DH and hobby in late pregnancy

[matchmakers]

I don't know if I am BU or if my DH is being a selfish arse.

I am 34 weeks pregnant but measuring 4 weeks ahead so bloody huge. I've got SPD, and am generally starting to feel really rotten and exhausted. I'm a SAHM to a 2.5 year old who really never stops except (luckily!) for a pretty regular hour nap at lunchtime.

By late afternoon I'm really struggling. I'm trying to make sure I always rest when she naps (either I nap or at least I sit down and relax), I'm snacking regularly to stop blood sugar dips. Nothing wrong with iron etc, it's just late pregnancy fatigue. I sleep terribly, especially with the recent heat. I was the same last time, all normal. I'm lucky in the fact that both grandmothers are retired and often spend time with me and DS in the week, giving me an hour or two to put my feet up while they play with him or nip him out to the local park.

DH works full time, Monday - Friday. He's out of the house from 7am-7pm. He gets home each night in time to read DS a story and put him into bed but that's it. DS is excellent for bed, he almost takes himself really so no difficulties with this. I do 95% of the housework in a reasonably sized 4 bed house as well as the cooking etc as he's out but he does help out at weekends, when he's here.

DH has announced this week that his football season is restarting early or they've got lots of friendlies coming up and basically that means he'll be out one evening a week for training (no issue with this at all, DS will be in bed anyway) and from 11am on Saturdays until about 6pm. So pretty much another day I need to have DS on my own when he could be here helping me out. His answer when I said I could really do with a hand here at the weekends at this stage was 'ask my mum to come and help' which she would but I don't want to do because she already comes in the week and I don't want to take the piss.

He has already told the team he's taking 3 weekends off when baby comes because I'm having a ELCS, but he thinks this is enough. AIBU in saying to him that I really need him here at his stage, and that actually as the games he's potentially missing aren't even league games it shouldn't really matter? He keeps up his fitness with training and going running in the evenings anyway.

Doesn't help that DS is starting to get to the stage where he's upset with DH goes, as he gets exciting when he's here at weekends! So not only do I have him on my own when DH could be helping, I have a grumpy, cross DS who is whinging for his Dad.

I'm not trying to be a precious snowflake, I'm very much a 'just get on with it' person but I'm really starting to find things tough. He just can't see why he should give up his 'me time' when he works hard all week. He does work hard, no disputing that. My point is he is 36 years old and at some point in life surely being needed at home has to come first.

Sorry that was longer than I wanted, I didn't want to drip feed. So. AIBU?

YANBU the length of his Saturday training is unreasonable. Myself and several family members have been involved in different amateur sports over the years. The maximum training sessions for a team activity is 3 hours. A solo activity will randomly have longer hours but not every bloody week and you do them so you start very early e.g. before 6am so you finish by noon.

I think while you are struggling a compromise could be made. One of the other team members could be deputised to do all of the pre amd post game stuff. He turns up for the last half hour of practice, plays the game and comes straight home afterwards. 3 hrs tops, and probably over DS nap time. Then after the baby is born, he needs to take the whole time off for at least a month and definitely until you are feeling strong again. He can take DS down to the match to cheer on his team from the sidelines if he wants to.

You shouldnt be approaching giving birth any more exhausted than you need to be.

Maybe try and give him a football analogy - its like him playing the league final game with a hip injury, long term sleep deprivation and his boss from work following him round the whole time telling him he needs to pay more attention to his day job. While you dont do anything to help him except sitting down with a cup of tea going, why dont you ask your / my Mum if she can help you out for a couple of hours

He's not 21. He's about to have a second child. Having a second child requires much more logistical support than having a first child, especially in the early days (e.g. When I was feeding the baby, it was invaluable to have DH take our toddler out to the zoo or the park for a couple of hours on a Saturday so that she didn't feel totally pushed out by a new sibling.) Your DH needs to realise that he now needs to be around for your DS and the new family.

Unless, as a pp wittily said, he's a professional footballer and your family finances depend on it.....

Tell him he can go play the match and come home. Then take a month off when baby is here like PP have said. It's 6 weeks recovery time for a C-section.

Some men really fuck me off. Like yeah you had an orgasm well done mate you parts done!

No support your partner who sacrificed every part of her to make you a dad ffs!

For fuck sake men like this piss me off! His life is pretty much unchanged since having kids, whilst yours is turned upside down. Why did he even have kids if he wants to act like he has no responsibilities? Why have kids if he doesn’t want to spend time with them? Why does he think it’s acceptable to leave you to do everything for them? Why does he think it’s the grandparents job to pick up after him?

I’d tell him that no way on earth is he going to be out of the house that long every Saturday. If he wanted to do that, he shouldn’t have had kids. Give him 4 hours max, and you take the same for yourself.

Please make sure you leave both children with him once the time is right, regularly.

I'm going to talk to him again tonight when he gets home. Although it depends actually, he's going to watch the England match after work (which I don't mind) but if they lose he'll be like a bear with a sore arse so maybe I'll leave it till tomorrow!

Mmmm help set up/team talk/eat and drink/ blah blah honestly op I bet most of the other guys arnt doing this to their wives or he’s the oldest there and desperately holding onto his youth as they are all care free 20s.

Also I don’t like the way you seem to dance around his feelings. He was obviously the spoilt golden child. Don’t carry this on.

He’s far too old to act like this and you need to put your foot down. You don’t want his mum there you need him there. His kids need him there!!!!

Honestly I would find it very hard to love or like a man who did this. Stand up for yourself sweetheart and say no you can’t. Game over.

It’s completely different having your husband in the house pulling his weight and having MIL standing in for him , my in laws would stress me out more , it’s your husbands responsibility to be there for you and your children and Co parent with you , he can’t just delegate to someone else .

I’d fuck off out of the house early on Saturdays and try and make sure the grandmothers were unavailable.
He can take his child with him.

I’m at same stage of pregnancy as you (and also measuring 3 weeks ahead, now feeling MB about that so thank you!!) and I don’t even have SPD and I couldn’t cope with this.

Also-you’re going to need support for 6 weeks post section, not 3, so make that clear now!!

Can he come with you to a MW appointment and maybe raise it in discussion there? Get some professional back up?

YANBU-the problem with being a ‘get on with it’ capable type person is no one is expecting you to not manage. You need to be even clearer when you really need help.

Unless he's Harry Kane. In which case YABU.

I can promise you all, he's definitely not Harry Kane If he was I'd pipe down and buy in childcare (along with a cook, cleaner, housekeeper and masseuse).

Alas, he is just an very enthusiastic and passionate amateur footballer who is driving his wife up the wall!!

Is it bad I sometimes wish he'd get a football ending injury? Nothing terrible that would hurt him badly, just something that at 36/37 years old would mean he can't play every week anymore?!?

I am a wicked old witch.

Good point about maybe having a professional make a point too (along with me, I'm not leaving this!). I actually have the HV coming to do my antenatal appointment soon, I might try and move it to when he's home and give her a ring in advance. I know her quite well she was amazing with DS was tiny and gave DH a flea in his ear a few times when she thought he needed it. He was great but used to try to take over a bit when DS was tiny doing things his way, she very much told him him being helpful was great but he needed to do as I asked with regard to helping feed baby for example. He does respond well to being 'advised' by a professional person. Makes me feel a bit shit though, why can't he just take it from me? Might work though.

YANBU it’s all good and we’ll having a hobby but family time comes first. If he still wants to play then he should resign as captain, arrive, play and come home. I bet a lot of the blokes do this anyway and it’s actually ‘him’ that wants to stay. All day on a weekend is simply taking the piss.

As others have said, where’s your ‘you’ time. He’s absolutely unreasonable if he’s saying in the evening, and as you quite rightly said, if you buggered off all day Sunday you’d have no family time.

Kids come first, football is an ‘as and when’ it’s convenient

Would a compromise be that he steps down as captain while he has a young family, goes to the warm up and matches only , and most definitely skips the post match meal? If he loves it so much. Plus takes a break of a month or so around the time of the birth.

Your last post brings back memories of my mum wishingthat it would rain so that my Dad wouldn't spend all Saturday playing cricket. Sad for women to be left wishing for events to intervene rather than men doing the right thing.

Sounds as if it could work if he steps down as captain so he only does the 3 hours of driving and game. Then you'd have 1/2 day on Saturday too for your time. And you'd both have Sunday at home as family time.

Plus 6 weeks off post c-section.

Is there any way he'd see something like that as being reasonable?

Regarding only listening if he hears it from a professional, wait until your DC are a bit older. You will tell them something until you are blue in the face and they wont do it. Then one day they will surprise you by doing that exact thing and if you ask them why the change, they will say, “Well Miss X at school told me it was a good idea”. Grrrrr

He doesn't seem to be very considerate of your health and needs, but also when does he spend quality time with his son? One day a week isn't enough from a NRP let alone a live in one.

No Fucking Way, basically.

Of course YANBU. And the fact that he played when you met him is neither here nor there. When a 21 year old has a football hobby, that doesn't mean it can be presumed that they'll want to play 7 hours every Saturday when they have a heavily pregnant wife with SPD.

OP a caesarean is a major operation that takes at least 6 of recovery time. I think many people especially men forget this. Factor in that you will have a newborn baby and a young child and he should realise that he needs to be around as much as possible. Not disappearing for hours on end for a hobby. If only women could do this.

And YANBU to wish a football ending injury on him. Here's hoping...

kids get in the way of hobby time. he should have thought of that before losing the condom.

and a footy game lasts 90 mins with half time. not all day.

God how depressing that he might listen to a professional and not the pleas for 'help' from his own wife!

I don't like the phrase 'help out' or 'babysitting' when it's their child and house too. I suspect your SPD will be so bad this Saturday that you won't be able to get out of bed (except to crawl to the loo) and not only will he have to cancel football he will have to look after you too - or maybe he'd just call his Mum?

Talk to him tonight after the football regardless, it doesn't have to wait just because England are playing - it's his family FFS!

Have your 7 hours on a Sunday. Even if you go to a friends/your mums to sleep. Will make point how long it is and affect it has on family life. Do this a few times and then talk.

he is being selfish! like my ex, all day at cricket leaving me after c section with a toddler and a new born.

he's now an ex!