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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH being cruel?

77 replies

Sosnafu · 10/07/2018 20:03

I’m so sorry for the long ramble. I would really appreciate some honest, open words of advice from some strong independent MN women which I’m sure I once was but failed to notice the point that I lost the fking plot!

So DH of 7 years has recently seemingly woken up one morning and decided that after two years perusing ivf treatment he’s done with wanting kids and ‘possibly’ with the relationship.

We have a bit of an interwoven life where I left my job early on to work with him to establish his business. I worked bloody hard to support him and worked labour intensive tasks (that no one wanted to do) for years and very long hours to boot (which hugely effected my social life) only to help the business survive difficult times. It’s been a rocky road and very hard at times but we built the business together and made it work.

It now provides us with a fine (average) income which I feel proud of. In the middle of all of that he was very vocal about wanting to have kids. And after a long time of nothing happening we ended up finding out that there were fertility issues and would need Icsi. So, we went for it. I got excited, I was overjoyed to think we might actually have a family. It had been a bit of a dream seemingly for both of us.

Anyway, one week before beginning treatment he has said he’s “not sure if he wants to have children with me yet, or ever” and that he doesn’t want me be to be involved with the business anymore as I’m not “pulling my weight” I am an equal director which he pushed for originally despite my concerns that it would cause friction. We were preparing for the possibility of having a baby and so were cutting down my involvement in the business which he now seemily entirely resents.

He says he’s not happy to “carry” me anymore.

It’s tough as although he has been very loving and supportive in the past he’s very critical of me these days, often comments on how I behave around people and is incredibly rude to my parents and the friends I have left.

OP posts:
Colbu24 · 10/07/2018 20:10

You most be feeling so low right now. After building a business now he tells you that you are surplus.
Such an awful thing to say. Now he is carrying you? It's supposed to be a partnership.
I don't think I need to give you advice. I think you know what you need to do.
I don't know how old you are but I hope young enough to get the life you deserve.
He is awful. Also find another job then take half the business.

Sevendown · 10/07/2018 20:13

I think you need to accept that he has told you the relationship is over.

LadyRussell · 10/07/2018 20:14

Is it possible there is someone else...?

DPotter · 10/07/2018 20:16

Get hold of every piece of financial information from the business that you can ASAP.
Ask around for a good family law solicitor - make an appointment so you can find out options and possible outcomes.

I’m sure others will be along with more practical information but for now hang on in there

HRHCatherinePrincessofWales · 10/07/2018 20:17

There’s an OW. Sorry, there’ll be lots of posters coming on to say he’s just stressed about the fertility treatment, or he’s depressed or he’s having a mid-life crisis or a breakdown.

But it’s so, so classic. I’ve seeb it on here time and time again. It might sound brutal but I’m just going to cut to the chase and hopefully save you a lot of headfuckery - Cherchez la femme.

mumpatrol · 10/07/2018 20:18

What @DPotter said.

I would also be keeping an eye out for a potential OW.

And please make sure he doesn't screw you out of the business.

RayRayBidet · 10/07/2018 20:19

What LadyRussell said

HollowTalk · 10/07/2018 20:20

I'd be looking for the other woman. In my experience it's rare that a man makes such a huge decision without someone outside the marriage helping to influence it.

As far as the business is concerned, I would get out, and I'd treat it as though you were business partners and not married. I'd get a solicitor involved and get whatever I could for my share.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 10/07/2018 20:20

I would seek legal advice, you helped to build the business & are an equal director-he doesn't get to call the shots. I would imagine a solicitors letter may take the wind out of his sails somewhat...
You need to plan for a future without him though, I wouldn't be able to forgive this kind of behaviour & nor would I wait around for him to decide if he wanted to 'possibly' remain in the relationship.

NapQueen · 10/07/2018 20:21

Copy everything.

He has cheated.

Apileofballyhoo · 10/07/2018 20:22

I also thought OW. I'm sorry, OP. Flowers

Start checking the financial situation immediately.

BipolarSunset · 10/07/2018 20:22

Look at all the possibilities OP. It could be stress it could be another woman. Listen to your gut. Get copies of everything in order and then talk to him x

Walkingdeadfangirl · 10/07/2018 20:23

Have you had 2 years of IVF or has this happened before treatment started? I know IVF is very hard on marriages.

TwinkleToes86 · 10/07/2018 20:26

It’s like he says jump and you say how high. He wants you more involved in the business then he doesn’t. He wants children then he doesn’t.

Maybe there is another woman and you need to investigate this. But other woman or not, it’s not acceptable how he’s controlling you. You need to get your finances in order. I’m sure there will be posters who have more practical advice.

HollowTalk · 10/07/2018 20:31

It's a week before treatment starts, though. It won't be the stress of the treatment.

TorviBrightspear · 10/07/2018 20:32

Sorry, OP, I have to agree with those saying OW.

He knows how hard you've worked to build the business up, but to suddenly say he's carrying you suggests he's re-writing the history of your relationship in his mind to "justify" leaving you for someone else, by making out you're the bad guy.

He's saying he “not sure if he wants to have children with me yet, or ever”, another indication he's pulling away from you in his head.

Get the financial information ASAP. Create a new email address, eg gmail, and email everything to your new email, company accounts, details of assets, bank statements, etc, etc.

If he's detaching from you, he'll be ahead of you mentally and you need to act fast to catch up, including checking if there have been any odd movements of money, and where to, if possible.

BrexitWife · 10/07/2018 20:43

No idea about the OW (even though it seems they always come up) but it seems he has checked out of the relationship.
IVF is very stressful and I could get the ‘I’m not sure i want a child anymore’ but not him telling you he doesn’t want you in the business anymore.

I’m afraid I agree about going to see a solicitor and gathering all the information you can about the business (incl accounts!!).
Then you need a heart to heart chat.

Melanippe · 10/07/2018 20:45

Oh love, I'm sorry.

As others have said, gather every single piece of financial information about the business you can, any evidence you can about the work you put into it.

He's checked out of the marriage already.

A link to The Script for you to have a look at.

trojanpony · 10/07/2018 20:46

I’m going to agree with the others - get in there and get every scrap of information you can and get a shit hot lawyer ASAP.

Do not do the pick me dance (google it) and I put a cheeky fiver on the fact there is an OW lurking somewhere.

Basically, it’s hideous and shit and not what you planned but you need to buckle in and get moving.

Do not let this just “happen to you”, start with the finances then I’d recommend taking extra care that you are eating nutritiously and sign up for some gym class and or new hobbies, get a massage/ your nails and hair done, get a night out with friends in the diary ... whatever floats your boat
The main point is to begin practicing “extreme self care” it will help get you through

kateandme · 10/07/2018 20:48

do you want to be with him?how do you feel about this.has it totally blinsighted you or did you see it coming.
what do you want to happen next.try to work to repair it or move on.
if you don't see a way back.if hes a twat.and if hes possibly got ow then get out and do it in control with your head held high.
do it with all your finances in place.all copies and half the business.
also if you start talking taking him for half and he starts backtracking don't take that shit and walk away telling him "too fucking late!" if you are equal partners and have done you half then your deserve as much as him in this.
go find someone who deserves you and your time and future.

OCSock · 10/07/2018 20:49

Sadly, I think the groupthink here is probably right and that you need to do everything possible to safeguard your position, rights and assets ASAP.

SlothSlothSloth · 10/07/2018 20:53

Really sorry you are going through this OP 💐

As others have said I’m afraid you probably do need to start planning to separate. If he changes his mind about all of this, could you trust him not to hurt you again?

He probably thinks he can just oust you from the business and that he has total control of the situation. He will likely be quite taken aback if you take the initiative to take things out his hands, leave him and get serious legal advice to safeguard what’s yours.

Are you of an age where children might still be a possibility if you leave? And do you think you would have got as excited about the idea of children if he hadn’t pushed for them?

Sending you lots of strength. You have a good sense of the sacrifices you have made, you know your worth and you can get through this 💜

crazychemist · 10/07/2018 20:57

Oh dear, sounds like classic OW.

I would guess that difficulties with conceiving made him feel "less of a man" and he has sought to prove his manly credentials in other ways.

Really sorry OP.

Focus on getting paperwork sorted and knowing where you stand, then try to get him to settle down for a frank conversation. Do you still want to be in this relationship? Do you want to work through it (which may mean giving up on children), or move on? (Which means starting again, you haven't said what the nature of the fertility problems were). There are some painful issues for you to face, I hope you have supportive friends and family in this difficult time Flowers

yesiamgoingtoeatthat · 10/07/2018 21:02

OP, this could be my story. I left my job to help ex with fledgling business. Worked hard, brought experience he didn't have; was rewarded by being told I wasn't doing enough, wasn't bringing in the cash. It didn't seem to matter that he did the sales while I ran the projects... Fast forward a few years and he had removed me from the accounts and I was completely dependent on him for financial support, while being stuck at home with a LO. He rarely came home. I wish so much I'd read the signs earlier and been brave enough to leave.

BTW I don't think that his freaking out about having a baby is necessarily too much of a flag - he may just be freaking out about having a baby. But the fact he is treating you with such little respect, speaking of "carrying" you etc, is a big, fat, red flag. This man does not love you.

As others have said - see a solicitor, play safe, make lots of notes and copy everything. Good luck xx

Deux · 10/07/2018 21:02

Are you a shareholder as well as a director?

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