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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH being cruel?

77 replies

Sosnafu · 10/07/2018 20:03

I’m so sorry for the long ramble. I would really appreciate some honest, open words of advice from some strong independent MN women which I’m sure I once was but failed to notice the point that I lost the fking plot!

So DH of 7 years has recently seemingly woken up one morning and decided that after two years perusing ivf treatment he’s done with wanting kids and ‘possibly’ with the relationship.

We have a bit of an interwoven life where I left my job early on to work with him to establish his business. I worked bloody hard to support him and worked labour intensive tasks (that no one wanted to do) for years and very long hours to boot (which hugely effected my social life) only to help the business survive difficult times. It’s been a rocky road and very hard at times but we built the business together and made it work.

It now provides us with a fine (average) income which I feel proud of. In the middle of all of that he was very vocal about wanting to have kids. And after a long time of nothing happening we ended up finding out that there were fertility issues and would need Icsi. So, we went for it. I got excited, I was overjoyed to think we might actually have a family. It had been a bit of a dream seemingly for both of us.

Anyway, one week before beginning treatment he has said he’s “not sure if he wants to have children with me yet, or ever” and that he doesn’t want me be to be involved with the business anymore as I’m not “pulling my weight” I am an equal director which he pushed for originally despite my concerns that it would cause friction. We were preparing for the possibility of having a baby and so were cutting down my involvement in the business which he now seemily entirely resents.

He says he’s not happy to “carry” me anymore.

It’s tough as although he has been very loving and supportive in the past he’s very critical of me these days, often comments on how I behave around people and is incredibly rude to my parents and the friends I have left.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 10/07/2018 23:41

OP, it seems to me you've got lots of good advice here, and it’s great you’ve already booked to see a solicitor. In the meantime, I’d be documenting everything I could remember about giving up the job, all the hours you worked etc etc, anything that demonstrates your contribution to the business and the timings. If you’ve kept any kind of diary, even if it’s just appointments or ‘to do’ reminders, this too could prove valuable collateral to help you -wipe-the-floor-with-him-win your case.

Giraffey1 · 10/07/2018 23:41

Sorry, was trying to do strikethrough, epic fail!!!!

YoucancallmeVal · 10/07/2018 23:42

My then h and I were told adoption was our only option. He then decided, similarly, that he didn't think he wanted children at all. Ironically, we fell pregnant naturally. Our relationship fell apart (violently so) v soon after and he left when dd was 3. Don't sit and wait, you are young and have choices.

stressedoutpa · 10/07/2018 23:42

I would say OW as well.

Play the game to buy yourself time. In the background, do all your finance/solicitor stuff gathering all the information you need. Don't let on that you suspect another woman.

Really rubbish but you there is some great advice on this thread. Best of luck.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 10/07/2018 23:52

So sorry op does sound like there is another woman behind all this, I would be getting as much information on the business as you can and seek a solicitor for how to handle things.

You have a ton of emotional support on here WineFlowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/07/2018 00:05

So he wants the OW and all the money in the business that he wouldnt have without you? Charmer isnt he?

Say that you are happy to let him run the show but that you want to keep your directorship for your own security. I would bet a months mortgage money that he accuses you of not trusting him and that he cant possibly be expected to "try" and make it work if you dont prove you trust him by giving up your share........

Carrotshelpuseeinthedark · 11/07/2018 00:18

Doesn't mean there's ow but not don't stress yourself out wondering. Save yr energy planning yr way out financially etc as others have said. If you want dcs don't stay with this time waster. Get out and find yourself someone who wants kids and is committed. Good luck. You may have had a lucky escape.Flowers

Lovebeingmama · 11/07/2018 06:20

I think he’s sorting out his exit strategy. He hasn’t walked out yet as he wants to try and protect assets as much as he can. So he can leave on his terms.
In the meantime he’ll give you a crumb of hope by saying he’s not sure if the relationship is over. This should buy him a bit of time he thinks; all the time he expects you to be fawning after him trying to make the relationship work.
Don’t be a fool, look after yourself. You have plenty of time to have children and set up your own business if you choose. Honestly, use your head and not your heart. After letting you down like this, why would you want to continue with him? Never mind have children. The hurt won’t go away.
It does sound like an OW may be involved but whatever is the case there, he already has one foot out of the door.
Be strong, be brave. You deserve better x

LadyRussell · 11/07/2018 07:23

Mine too!

LadyRussell · 11/07/2018 07:24

Sorry wrong thread Blush

Shortstuff08 · 11/07/2018 07:33

I was in a similar position 2 years ago, regarding the marriage ending and business involvement.

But I spotted it coming. I found myself a full time job and made sure I had access to all financial records to the business and took copies of everything.

Within 18 months the marriage was over but I was in a good position. I promised myself I wouldn't get worked up about how much work I had put into the business. That's was done and gone.

I wanted to be independent. Exdh has tried to hide business money but I had enough evidence to head him off.

He bought me out.

There wasn't an OW in my case. Lots of people on here jump to there must be a OW. And sometimes there is.

It could also be stress. Of the IVF, of you removing yourself from the business etc. Lots of couples have difficulties when going through IVF. It's not unusual.

However, whatever is going on, you need to focus on getting yourself in a good position in case the marriage doesn't last.

Lizzie48 · 11/07/2018 07:42

I'm so sorry about what you're going through, OP, what a turd your H is. I agree with PPs that you should get legal advice immediately so that you can protect yourself financially. Thanks

clippityclock · 11/07/2018 07:55

He's met someone else and he has been having an affair. He's following the script already by belittling you and making it your fault.

As they 'get your ducks in a row' in regards to that business which is probably half yours. Go see a solicitor pronto to find out your options and know what you need. Then start stealth copying everything you need for financial reasons.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Rachie1973 · 11/07/2018 08:04

Hiya. Just on the business side. Is it a Ltd company? Are you the company secretary? And have you a copy of last years books? If not your accountant should be able to provide a copy. If Ltd all the books have been filed at companies house and easily accessible and impossible to hide. Just worry about the stuff since the last return.

LakieLady · 11/07/2018 08:19

Wow, what a shit he is.

Concentrate on the financial and legal side of things. Channel your hurt into protecting your future.

Really sorry this is happening to you.

Ennirem · 11/07/2018 08:25

So heartened by your second post OP, you obviously have a ton of self-respect and are going to look out for yourself. So few women do! Good for you and good luck. He's in for a nasty shock I think, he clearly expects you to just roll over - you show him who he married!

And yes you have loads of time if you do decide you want children. You are young and clearly hardworking and courageous, the world is your oyster.

Ginger1982 · 11/07/2018 08:33

Good luck OP. And if this is the end, 30 is still super young for kids. I had ICSI at 34 and have DS Thanks

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2018 08:55

I’m so glad he loved you enough to share the business with you. It was totally the right decision btw. My parents were business partners when I was a child even though my father was the main worker and my mother did the accounts, secretarial work, banking etc and also the main caregiver.

You sound incredibly strong. Gotta laugh at his solution to not “pulling your weight” is to make you completely financially dependant on him. Then what next? Make your life so difficult that you leave the marital home perhaps? Hmm

I’ve had ivf. You need a partner, who is 100% behind you. It’s hard going. Thank goodness he called it off before you start. Flowers

Bluesmartiesarebest · 11/07/2018 10:49

It’s great that you are seeking legal advice about your share of the business. Be prepared for him to either change his mind for a while or turn nasty when he realises that you may be entitled to half of everything and won’t just walk away with nothing.

You are 30 so you have plenty of fertile years left. If you wanted to, you could have a baby on your own by this time next year. You don’t have to be in a relationship or have a partner to have children. This man clearly needed you more than you need him. You deserve better than him and I’m sure you’ll be fine without him.

Cutietips · 11/07/2018 11:08

Just a thought. If it’s a limited company, can he move all the clients and assets over to another company, calling it eg. Jones (London) Ltd instead of Jones Ltd. Another thing to check out with lawyer. And make sure you don’t sign anything without checking it out with a lawyer. Play the long game and don’t act like your suspicious. Good luck OP

Jamiefraserskilt · 11/07/2018 13:26

He's had a better offer...either someone offering money for the business (serious money that he doesn't want to spend on ivf) or ow.
Brace yourself, your goals are different. He needs to make you feel worthless so he can back out with everything how he wants it.

BewareOfDragons · 11/07/2018 18:17

I'm glad you're seeking legal advice and realise you can't trust him. He's trying to limit your knowledge and access to things you have worked just as hard as he has at and have an equal interest in. Incredibly worrying.

I'd make plans to go. Get your share of everything.

As for the infertility being his issue, you have plenty of time. Really. I met my DH several years older than you are now, and we went on to have three very lovely children. It can happen, and I hope it does for you.

DarkDarkNight · 11/07/2018 18:34

It sounds like he wants out, and he is probably trying to push you into being the one to leave. It would be very convenient for him whether there is another woman or not for you to walk away. His behaviour is very callous, I am Sorry Sad

I would agree with others about getting legal advice. You hav gave up your job and put a lot into making the business a success. You should not leave with nothing.

trojanpony · 11/07/2018 23:04

At 30 you have time at least I hope so as I’m 33 but you need to get moving

Good luck and as I said once the adrenaline dies you will need self care to tide you over

Good luck Flowers

Beaverhausen · 11/07/2018 23:07

Oh sweety, but your gnarliest pair of boots on and kick that cuntwaffle in the fucking balls! Excuse the french but what a twat.

Seriously you need to see where you stand and the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to get a good solicitor.

Ugh fucking spineless little shit of a man that he is. Show him who he is trying to fuck with.

Again apologies for the french.

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