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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH being cruel?

77 replies

Sosnafu · 10/07/2018 20:03

I’m so sorry for the long ramble. I would really appreciate some honest, open words of advice from some strong independent MN women which I’m sure I once was but failed to notice the point that I lost the fking plot!

So DH of 7 years has recently seemingly woken up one morning and decided that after two years perusing ivf treatment he’s done with wanting kids and ‘possibly’ with the relationship.

We have a bit of an interwoven life where I left my job early on to work with him to establish his business. I worked bloody hard to support him and worked labour intensive tasks (that no one wanted to do) for years and very long hours to boot (which hugely effected my social life) only to help the business survive difficult times. It’s been a rocky road and very hard at times but we built the business together and made it work.

It now provides us with a fine (average) income which I feel proud of. In the middle of all of that he was very vocal about wanting to have kids. And after a long time of nothing happening we ended up finding out that there were fertility issues and would need Icsi. So, we went for it. I got excited, I was overjoyed to think we might actually have a family. It had been a bit of a dream seemingly for both of us.

Anyway, one week before beginning treatment he has said he’s “not sure if he wants to have children with me yet, or ever” and that he doesn’t want me be to be involved with the business anymore as I’m not “pulling my weight” I am an equal director which he pushed for originally despite my concerns that it would cause friction. We were preparing for the possibility of having a baby and so were cutting down my involvement in the business which he now seemily entirely resents.

He says he’s not happy to “carry” me anymore.

It’s tough as although he has been very loving and supportive in the past he’s very critical of me these days, often comments on how I behave around people and is incredibly rude to my parents and the friends I have left.

OP posts:
speakout · 10/07/2018 21:05

Yup sorry OP- another woman.

SaltyPeanut · 10/07/2018 21:06

There's another woman either already involved or on the horizon.

He is also setting up to leave you penniless.

I'm sorry but have seen it all before.

The telling bit is the emotional disconnect, the new found disrespect and nastiness. The cheating man needs this because he is planning something horrible for you and needs to make himself see you as less in order to carry it out so he doesn't have to see himself as a complete cunt.

BewareOfDragons · 10/07/2018 21:06

I'm sorry, OP.

But it does ring of him seeing someone else ... protecting his business, which it isn't; telling you you're not carrying your weight, when you clearly have worked your ass off; suddenly deciding he doesn't want children with you; suddenly deciding he isn't sure he wants a relationship with you...

Something stinks...

BewareOfDragons · 10/07/2018 21:07

Consult a solicitor NOW. Find out what you can and can't do to protect yourself, your shared assets, and what you're entitled to.

Do not wait.

And get copies of everything immediately.

ThinkingCat · 10/07/2018 21:12

is incredibly rude to my parents and the friends I have left

^ I don't even know what to say about this.

Really seems to be burning his bridges

HyacinthsBucket70 · 10/07/2018 21:15

Oh OP, you must feel absolutely shit right now Flowers - what a devastating turn he's made.

I think everyone is thinking the same thing here - he's had his head turned. You need to think of no one other than yourself here. And don't let him push you aside. Solicitor ASAP for this.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/07/2018 21:17

Get legal advice fast. There may not be another woman yet (or another man) but his behaviour is that of a man who considers you have served your purpose and can be replaced. You need to make sure that your investment of time and effort in the business is recognised. It's good that you are married, as you will have more rights WRT money and the business than if you were not.

And if it turns out that this is him fretting over the IVF and he would prefer to stay together, then it is still a good idea to have your financial position protected and a proper awareness of your legal rights in case he starts dicking about again.

Tistheseason17 · 10/07/2018 21:18

As PP have said, get your hands on every bit of financial information.

You are an equal director and he is a turd.

So the relationship may be over but get your money so you can move comfortably.

Pollaidh · 10/07/2018 21:24

Check your legal position and do not let him force or encourage you to downgrade your involvement/legal rights in the business. My instinct is the PP are right and there's something unpleasant behind this.

Whether there is or not, you're married, you should be a team. He's clearly saying that team doesn't exist.

flowerpott · 10/07/2018 21:25

You need to get a good lawyer. If it all ends, and it might, you need to make sure you're prepared and can move quickly. Make sure you have full access to all the accounts and records. Are you an equal shareholder? Are you a signatory on the bank accounts?

This is horrible, and I hate that you're going through it. I really hope it doesn't mean what PP have said here, but if it does, get yourself organised and make sure you fight for everything you deserve.

kateandme · 10/07/2018 21:26

if you cant get somewhere where you can get actual copies.get online and screenshot.take photos onto your phone

Fadingmemory · 10/07/2018 21:41

OP, so sorry to hear of your circumstances. You are being treated appallingly.

I can only echo others about there being the possibility of someone else. Bide your time (yes, exceedingly difficult) and quietly look for any evidence of an OW - try not to let him know you are suspicious. Make sure that you know all the financial circumstances of the business, gather evidence of that, of all the work you have obviously put in over the years and of any consultations/treatment with regard to your wish to have a child. Speak to a specialist lawyer who will be able to tell you your entitlement vis a vis the business.

It will take strength at a time when you must feel very low. Take care of your physical health as others have suggested. Find trusted friends (yours specifically, not his or joint friends) and/or family (yours, not his). Keep posting for help and support. I wish you the very best of luck.

NWQM · 10/07/2018 21:57

Can I add that I think you should confide - if you haven't already - in at least one family member or friend. Don't allow the isolation that his rudeness creates to isolate you further. The key is to develop your plan. He unfortunately seems to have his. Good luck - I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Jux · 10/07/2018 22:15

I'm so sorry your relationship has ended like this. He's not a nice man at all, so thank your stars you've found out how dishonourable he is.

Get as much financial info as you can find, make copies and send them to your parents for safekeeping.

Log everything from him, all the petty stuff, as well as bigger things, eg his sudden decision about children. Also anything he says about the company. Try (subtly)to getas much on paper as you can - text and email are very helpful.

Good luck.

Accountant222 · 10/07/2018 22:21

Sounds like you have carried him, what a wanker ! Start compiling a dossier on the company finances, without his knowledge, copy IT systems (if you have them), spread sheets, bank statements, order books, just in case he's backing out of your relationship. I hope everything turns out well for you.

longwayoff · 10/07/2018 22:35

Hes got someone else. Be glad no children. Change your bank accounts before he does.. He'll justify shortchanging you as hes 'carried' you so long. Do this tomorrow. He will leaveyou with nothing

Original poster
Sosnafu · 10/07/2018 22:52

Thank you everyone for so much support... I was concerned I was being ott by feeling so hurt. Absolutely agree on the legal advice which is booked for later this week. Really not sure how he’d find time for An OW but really it wouldn’t change how I feel. He’s ripped the bloody carpet from under me... I can never trust him again so good luck to her I guess. He’s saying he wants to try and make it work with me not involved in the business, unfortunately I don’t trust his motives.

In terms of the fertility it’s his issue and I’m 30 so you never know... maybe there’s still time. Although clearly I need much better judgment. Feeling much stronger now, although I’m sure this won’t be much fun in the coming months. thank you so much xFlowers

OP posts:
CollectingCoins · 10/07/2018 23:04

Well done OP. I think there is an OW as well. I also agree that you are right to be wary about his motives in business. I bet he’s had legal advice and has been told you have a claim to it and is trying to edge you out before breaking up. Dangle a carrot of saving relationship if you remove yourself from business. Well fuck that and fuck him.
Get copies of the records and accounts, client info etc. anything that backs up work you put in. This relationship is over but you deserve to have something to show for it.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/07/2018 23:06

He's writing you out of history. You need to get legal advice ASAP. I'd say talk to your company's accountant if you can. They are often the best clued up in these matters.

Tread very very carefully op and stay one step ahead of him without him knowing.

As a director, and a wife, you have lots of legal protection and my feeling is you're going to need it.

Newmanwannabe · 10/07/2018 23:08

Could he be on drugs, not necessarily an OW? Massive personality shift and sudden change? Sorry this is happening to you

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/07/2018 23:13

I definitely think there’s OW, and this kind of behaviour is most definitely influenced

Thehop · 10/07/2018 23:14

You have PLENTY of time to make the life you deserve!

I left my ex and started afresh. At 35 I was doing brilliantly without a man, but met my bow dh and we now have a daughter. I’m almost 40 and feel like life’s just beginning.

Get this piece of crap out of the way then go and live the life you deserve. Xx

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2018 23:15

There's another woman. Absolutely. Get a solicitor and move on as quickly as possible. He doesn't deserve you. Let the prick twist in the wind as his life falls apart, because it most certainly will.

Bramble71 · 10/07/2018 23:19

I'm glad you're feeling stronger, OP, as it sounds like you'll need your strength for a fight. I'm concerned that, all of a sudden, he wants you out of the business you helped to build. Could there be something dodgy going on there? Just a thought. I hope not.

Sadly, my first instinct was another woman, too. Whether or not this is true, you deserve better than the way he's treating you. I'm glad to bear you're getting legal advice, though I doubt any court would discount you and the huge contribution you've made to your marriage and business.

Wishing you all the best for the future, OP.

yorkshireyummymummy · 10/07/2018 23:33

Although you don’t know there is OW there seems tobe a fair bit of consensus on here about it.
So , if I were you, I would work on the theory that there is another woman who is whispering in his ear and encouraging him to leave - but not to leave peniless.
It’s also true that if this is the case he is ahead of you and you need to catch up - and fast
If it’s possible ( and it shouldn’t be too hard) act as if you are devastated. Cry, look miserable etc , pretend you can’t eat - this will throw him off the scent somewhat while you do as pp are saying - lawyer, emails, bank statements etc. It might give you the time you need to get what you need before he gets suspicious.
Then when you have everything you can possibly get hit him with a solicitors letter. Get your big girl pants on - you need them to play hardball. Your strength will return and will help you through this. Don’t let him take advantage. He is being a horrible twat at the moment but this will only add to your simmering rage ( think of it as a fire burning inside you that he can’t see - more fool him!) and so use that rage in a calm collected way to squash the bastard. Lull him into a false sense of security and then - wham. Knock the ball out of the park.

You have no fertility issues.
30 gives you loads of time to meet a decent bloke and have a family. So don’t worry about that.
Good good luck. Many of us have been caught out b6 falling for somebody who later let’s us down. God, men really often are their own worst enemy’s. And pricks.

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