Why do we think monogamy is the right thing?

[ginplz]

NC for obvious reasons.

So just that really. Is it because we have all been brought up in a world where being faithful and loyal is the only way to be? And doing the opposite is condemned? Does it make you a bad person to seek more than one partner be it sexual or otherwise?

Surely we aren't ignorant to the fact there MUST be others in this world we are compatible with? Is it a case of finding someone that eventually you fall in love with and sticking with that person for life?

Has anyone ever went against society and never been strictly monogamous? Did/does this work for you?

Really interested to see people's honesty on this topic.

Does it make you a bad person to seek more than one partner be it sexual or otherwise?

Not at all, as long as everyone involved doesn't mind. If they don't know that's quite another thing!

To add, I used to do a hobby that for some reason attracted lots of polyamorous people...it sounded great in principle but they all seemed to be constantly in the middle of some sort of relationship drama. They were quite young though.

Until I met my husband I was never monogamous. I was serially unfaithful. I felt no loyalty and even when I thought I loved someone it didn’t make any difference. It has taken me decades to change. I’ve only changed because I realise it’s what most men want and expect. If I had a husband who’d happily have an open relationship then I’d be happy with that.

Monogamy doesn’t have to be anyone’s way of life.

From what I’ve observed though the people who are non monogamous haven’t informed their partner of this. And, furthermore, expect monogamy from them.

I think monogamy is probably not natural for humans as a species, but it serves an important social purpose in terms of creating stability. Some kind of communal living model would likely work just as well, if it were widely accepted.

Anyone else dying to know what @thisnamechanger’s hobby was...?

High likely a great many people have gone against what you're perceiving to be the norms of society and not been monogamous.

Thousands of people have affairs outside of their main relationships, always have done, and I imagine always will.

As long as no-one is getting hurt and everyone agrees then fine all round. It just doesnt seem to happen that way the majority of the time

That's fine when you're young, everyone involved is fully informed, and you are all being safe. A lot of people do. But you aren't in love and you can't bring children in to that so most people grow up out of wanting that.

As long as everyone is all on board and ok with it, than it does not matter.

Historically, monogamy also probably has a lot to do with the control of women as a reproductive resource.

It’s just for child rearing isn’t it? Our ideal is two parents to support the offspring until they can support themselves. It does make sense, in theory. Although clearly has issues in practice.

Historically monogamy is to ensure bloodlines and inheritance.

Piece I was reading about Lord Mebourne, he was one of 6 children and everyone knew No 4 was George V's son, and two of his sisters belonged to an Earl. Perfectly normal in the upper classes, even today, to do your duty (heir and a spare), and then both men and women have serial affairs. So long as its done discretely.

Because usually it involves lies

And usually people who go along with a partner cheating have low self esteems
Think of Saudi m n who have loads of wife’s o don’t they think this is frigging awsome and usually it’s the women who has to suck it up

@SlothSlothSloth are you Charles Manson?

I know monogamy is what I like, I'm not really sure why but I've just never been interested in anything else. I realise that the chance are I could be compatible with men her than my husband... but honestly.. from the minute I met him, I've never been remotely interested in finding anyone else. Perhaps that's unusual, perhaps it isn't that unusual. For some people though, it just feels natural to be in love and committed to one person.

There are plenty of animals that will mate for life so I think monogamy in humans is just that.

We find a partner we are compatible with and 'mate' for life.

In theory anyway, obviously we have more complex minds and personalities to animals so it doesn't always work out that way!

I think historically it's so that men know that they are raising their own offspring so that it's theirs and not other men's genes getting transferred into future generations.

overnight angel LOL no! But I imagine a communal living model where heterosexual relationships were fairly casual and the fundamental unit was focused on female relationships and shared child rearing (as opposed to the Manson model, which seemed primarily focused on, well, Manson’s dick) could actually be a pretty positive thing for women.

Monogamy has been socially enforced for centuries due to it being necessary to guarantee lineage / inheritance in noble families. But there is no moral reason as to why it has to be the right thing for everyone!

Non-monogamy is fine if all parties are fully aware of what is going on, consent to it, and are respectful. I do think there is more scope for hurt in non-monogamous relationships but there is nothing preventing that from being managed with some care.

I am and always have been monogamous in relationships and am happy that I will be with my husband forever. But I wouldn't judge non monogamous people at all.

I don't understand why poly relatsionships, where everyone is open and informed and mature about it all, can't work well for raising children? Why is one mum and one dad model so important? Surely, the more people are involved, the more they can share the workload and responsibilities too?
Sorry to suck the romance out of it. 😅

I think historically it's so that men know that they are raising their own offspring so that it's theirs and not other men's genes getting transferred into future generations.

Yes exactly this. Monogamy was created for the benefit of men (and throughout history it has never truly been expected to apply to men; only women). Any benefits to women are accidental.

I am happy in my monogamous relationship, and an open relationship wouldn’t be for me. But if this wasn’t the model I’d been raised to expect, perhaps I would feel differently. There are very glaring downsides to monogamy, most obviously that it’s failing to meet the expectation of monogamy that leads to so many break-ups and destabilises many childhoods.

Yes I'd love to know @Thisnamechanger hobby too

So it seems it's not as unanimous as I first thought. If all parties are aware and in agreement then all is ok. So why is it the vast majority of relationships are monogamous or at least portrayed that way? If a lot of people agree with the principle of having more than one partner (everyone involved aware) then do we all secretly want that but too scared to say it?

I have a partner and we are both faithful (or so I believe!), but personally I think I would be happier in an open relationship.

I don't mind if other couples are not monogamous if that suits them. I can only speak for myself and I would expect my partner and myself to be faithful to each other and loyal. If they are not, they are out.
I don't go with affairs either. Sort out your relationship or leave before starting a new one.

I guess thisnamechanger’s hobby was something to do with board games, card games or dungeons and dragons as that has been my experience with people who take part in those hobbies 😮