Why do we think monogamy is the right thing?

[ginplz]

NC for obvious reasons.

So just that really. Is it because we have all been brought up in a world where being faithful and loyal is the only way to be? And doing the opposite is condemned? Does it make you a bad person to seek more than one partner be it sexual or otherwise?

Surely we aren't ignorant to the fact there MUST be others in this world we are compatible with? Is it a case of finding someone that eventually you fall in love with and sticking with that person for life?

Has anyone ever went against society and never been strictly monogamous? Did/does this work for you?

Really interested to see people's honesty on this topic.

I think (and this is solely based on my own relationship/marriage history) that for me being monogamous feels the right way to live. In the sense that it's what I'd expect from a DH/DP and what feels best for me as a woman.

I genuinely believe that a marriage/relationship functions best when both parters give their 'best' selves to the other person. You can't do that when you're splitting your best self between several different people.

Good post, Rita

I think it is very strange that people get so upset about their OH having sex with someone else. Even more extreme is people that break up families over it. I know a lot would disagree with me but I really don't get it (please don't quote trust at me - cause I don't get the link at all). So long as me and OH are happy when together and secure in our relationship, I really don't mind what he does when we are apart.

I think it is very strange that people get so upset about their OH having sex with someone else. Even more extreme is people that break up families over it.

Why? Marriages - most marriages - are based on an agreement that you will only have sex with one another. If you sleep with someone else, you are violating the terms of the agreement.

Of course if both of you agree that it's OK to sleep with other people, that's fine. But most couples don't work on that basis.

So long as me and OH are happy when together and secure in our relationship, I really don't mind what he does when we are apart.

Presumably he would be equally indulgent if you were to take a few hot pieces to bed every now and then?

Starzig it sounds like you have never promised each other you will be monogamous though, so your set-up is different to most.

The link to trust is that most couples promise to be monogamous. So breaking that promise involves a lie.

Most people do not want partners who habitually lie to them.

I think it's socialised that we think it's "morally" right but I think for me monogamy is what I would prefer regardless. I don't think that's a contradiction in terms. I also think it's quite likely that people would have different preferences whichever practice was socialised as the norm.

Actually I think I'd quite like living in a larger group but I'm not that interested in sex to want to have sex with more than one person regularly anyway.

I don't believe there is ONE right person for everyone, I find that absurd. I think there are vast numbers of potentially compatible partners for every person on the planet. That doesn't mean that everyone would be happier with multiple partners at once but it is a reason not to waste time in a relationship which is mostly OK but has niggles out of fear it's the best you'll ever find. IMO there is a high possibility of finding somebody else who is at least as good but probably better.

I do wonder if polygamy was less stigmatised whether people would cheat less, if it was seen as less taboo? Because it seems to me that the current societal practice to insist that monogamy is the only/right choice morally has the potential to trap people who would be happier in a monogamous set up into believing that monogamy is their only chance at any relationship and therefore nobody asks when they get together if their partner is more interested in monogamy or polygamy. That means you have the potential for mismatch and if the mismatched partner who is happier with polygamy truly believes that what their partner doesn't know won't hurt them, they might well have affairs. Whereas if it was less taboo and you could just ask when you got together with somebody there would be more chance for people's monogamy/not preferences to be matched up from the start, so (in theory) people who wanted to be monogamous could be with other people who wanted to be monogamous as well and people who were happy with a more open relationship would have different boundaries about what we consider as cheating.

So it seems it's not as unanimous as I first thought. If all parties are aware and in agreement then all is ok. So why is it the vast majority of relationships are monogamous or at least portrayed that way? If a lot of people agree with the principle of having more than one partner (everyone involved aware) then do we all secretly want that but too scared to say it?

I've been non monogamous with agreement from all parties to explore my sexuality and had a brief 6 month open relationship with another woman and my partner fully consented and we all communicate. We told some friends who were accepting but as continued to be open, others were as not which caused me anxie. And since then I have not told anyone else about those 6 months because people could not understand. I think society shames non monogamous and thus we will not admit we want it.

I've often thought that if we weren't meant to be monogamous then people wouldn't tend to get jealous so easily or be emotionally hurt so badly when a partner strays.

There are always going to be some exceptions with that of course, some that don't get jealous or feel a deep rooted need for strict sexual loyalty from a partner.

Monogamy can work but the institution of marriage is bullshit. It's a cage disguised as a scaffold.

I always thought marriage was great tbh. I had better sex in a secure marriage than I ever did in less committed relationships. But I'm hoping that age might have changed that. I suppose you're right though about very few open relationships being genuinely happily open. Bugger.

Life long monogamy these days is somewhat different to the past where men would die from war or disease and women from childbirth or disease so life long might be less than 10 years.
I guess if we were in an open relationship and my wife became pregnant I’d want a dna test which goes back to the point of forced monogamy ensuring a man was bringing up his own children.

Sadly I suspect there a relitavely few relationships of say 25-30+ yrs where one partner hasn’t strayed at some point.

The AIBU asks Why do we think monogamy is the right thing?

My answer is that it was for me. I'm a widow now but my marriage was wonderful. The richness and beauty of our relationship relied on monogamy. It was the floor on which we stood

However this may be totally wrong for other people. People should do what suits them.

Although I would say that IME people who make a big deal about how open their relationship is often go tits up in a flurry of heartbreak and rows.

To be honest, while it may not be ‘natural’, I’m not sure there’s ever been a time when monogamy has made more sense.

That means you have the potential for mismatch and if the mismatched partner who is happier with polygamy truly believes that what their partner doesn't know won't hurt them, they might well have affairs

Or put differently, that person likes having all the benefits of monogamy - security, stability etc - while enjoying a bit on the side too?

I mean, you could say that we're all 'into polygamy' in the sense that most of us would like to have sex with different attractive people if we had the chance. But most of us also accept that if you enter into a monogamous relationship, you have to sacrifice that possibility in order to enjoy the many benefits of monogamy.

And I'm not sure open relationships really are a 'taboo' these days. I would say we're more well, open to multiple relationship formats than at any time in history.

And I'm not sure open relationships really are a 'taboo' these days. I would say we're more well, open to multiple relationship formats than at any time in history.

I agree, and I think we're at a pretty interesting time in human social history (thanks in huge part to feminism, the pill and a decline in religious beliefs).

Family structures are becoming more diverse and will eventually settle into more natural patterns. People will find what suits them.

There may not be a normative one size fits all. The only basic requirements will be honesty and consent.

Hopefully we'll all be happier.

Sex isn't just about reproduction, though. Sex is not just PIV. So arguing in favour of compulsory monogamy because of unwanted pregnancies if people have a lot of different is... not a valid argument.

And stability for children is really a matter of having at least one adult caregiver in their life who loves them and puts them first. Several consistent adult caregivers is a good thing. It does kids no harm (and helps encourage society away from compulsory monogamy) to see that different ways of organising your life are possible. The old nuclear family model worked for men and children but it was shit for women.

I don't think everyone wants to have sex with loads of people. I think that's a myth based on the fact some people do because they're more into polygamy but live in a society where monogamy is the norm.

Open relationships are definitely still taboo especially once you get to the stage of marriage because of this idea that "stability" is only possible within a monogamous set up. Just because something is more accepted than it was in the past it does not mean that it's mainstream.