Why do we think monogamy is the right thing?

[ginplz]

NC for obvious reasons.

So just that really. Is it because we have all been brought up in a world where being faithful and loyal is the only way to be? And doing the opposite is condemned? Does it make you a bad person to seek more than one partner be it sexual or otherwise?

Surely we aren't ignorant to the fact there MUST be others in this world we are compatible with? Is it a case of finding someone that eventually you fall in love with and sticking with that person for life?

Has anyone ever went against society and never been strictly monogamous? Did/does this work for you?

Really interested to see people's honesty on this topic.

So why is it the vast majority of relationships are monogamous or at least portrayed that way? If a lot of people agree with the principle of having more than one partner (everyone involved aware) then do we all secretly want that but too scared to say it?

I think a lot of people want more than one partner for THEMSELVES. But they aren’t willing to let their partner sleep with anyone else.

Tbh it’s horses for course. I have no issues with polygamy as long as all parties are adult and able to consent.

Yes exactly this. Monogamy was created for the benefit of men (and throughout history it has never truly been expected to apply to men; only women). Any benefits to women are accidental.

Absolutely.

And, interestingly, women are told that we are 'naturally' monogamous whereas men are told that it's equally 'natural' for them to want to 'spread their seed' and seek out a large number of titsy young women to do that with. The narrative is that monogamous relationships are fab for women but a 'ball and chain' for men.

And yet women report declining levels of happiness after marriage, while the opposite tends to be true for men. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men are are less likely to express an interest in remarriage.

Work that one out.

I wonder about this from an evolutionary perspective.

Yes: monogamy was invented as a way of men controlling women. Lobsterknob was not factually wrong when he described it as a system which enabled lower-status men to own a woman each so that the low-status men didn't band together to overthrow the high-status ones. Except it never worked that well and is, in fact, counter-evolutionary if you think about it.
Men subsequently had to make monogamy, and submitting to male ownership, the only viable option for women, hence the idea that women could not/should not work or own money - things had to be set up so that a woman without a male owner would struggle to survive and therefore women must please and obey their owners.

More and more people are rejecting monogamy these days, though - it's been increasing for about 40 years. Monogamy-free life has its ups and downs, but if you think of how much time and effort is spent addressing the problems of monogamous relationship, you see the solution is probably the easiest one: live and let live.

For some people it is. For some it isn't. We're all different.

However, I tend to find that people's own insecurity projects in their view of other people's relationships.

I also support polyandry but couldn’t do it myself as one man is more than enough for me but there are some great polyandry books out there cough colters

I think a lot of people want more than one partner for THEMSELVES. But they aren’t willing to let their partner sleep with anyone else.

I agree once again!

Historically, this right has always been granted to men, at least elite men. It's always been quietly - or even not so quietly - accepted that they would have number side pieces on the go, but god forbid the same right were ever granted to their wives.

Yes IcedPurple monogamy is no easier for women than it is for men. The lie that it is has obvious benefits for men, but I think it’s often also a comfort to women whose male partners have cheated. He couldn’t help it - he’s a man!

If you’re with one partner exclusively for decades, you are highly likely to struggle with sexual boredom and/or lust for someone outside the relationship at various points - whether you are a man or a woman.

I was never into monogamy until I met my husband. I love him so much I don’t want to sleep with anyone else.

It's difficult. There is imo no golden state of being where everyone is happy and treating each other well. Being post childbearing and single I would theoretically love a part time partner whose wife is happy for him to have an 'arrangement' with me - hence why widows were always seen as a bit dangerous, as they were some of the only economically independent sexually experienced (and therefore probably gagging for it) women in society. But, absent a digitally signed certificate from his wife, how am I supposed to know whether she's really OK with it? And most husbands in that situation are going to search a good twenty years younger than me. And having never been in that situation I don't actually know whether I would like it. I believe that fidelity is not that vital for me but I don't know whether that's true.

I only want a monogamous relationship. It's all I ever wanted. I would never choose an open relationship, through choice. It's not that this has been drummed into me. It's what I crave, what I truely want. I only want one, devotion.

I don't have a problem with those that don't want this.
But I find it very offensive re the comments that this this is not natural/normal/ has been drummed into me, by men, over the decades!!!

But, absent a digitally signed certificate from his wife, how am I supposed to know whether she's really OK with it?

You can be pretty sure the opposite is true.

Very, very few women want their husband sleeping with someone else. Some might grudgingly endure it, but almost none will actually 'be OK' with it. Same for men.

And most husbands in that situation are going to search a good twenty years younger than me.

In which case they're going to be frustrated. Hardly any young women are interested in a sordid affair with a married middle aged dad.

But I find it very offensive re the comments that this this is not natural/normal/ has been drummed into me, by men, over the decades!!!

I haven't seen any of those comments.

Men subsequently had to make monogamy, and submitting to male ownership, the only viable option for women, hence the idea that women could not/should not work or own money - things had to be set up so that a woman without a male owner would struggle to survive and therefore women must please and obey their owners.

YY all of this.

I absolutely only want a monogamous relationship. The thought of my DH with anyone else breaks my heart. Equally, I have no desire for anyone else to touch me

I think if everyone is on board then it's fine. I have four sets of friends who happily are swingers or in open LTR.

The problems start when it is done in secret. The lies, deceit and heartbreak. Doesn't seem to stop people twats though.

Esther Perel “The State of Affiars” has a good chapter about non-monogamy that addresses some of these questions.

I think it’s often also a comfort to women whose male partners have cheated. He couldn’t help it - he’s a man!

Yup. All men will put it about if they get the chance. Well, maybe quite a few would (as would many women) but that doesn't make it OK or inevitable.

If you’re with one partner exclusively for decades, you are highly likely to struggle with sexual boredom and/or lust for someone outside the relationship at various points - whether you are a man or a woman.

Of course you are. Obviously for many the companionship and stability compensate for the sexual boredom, but let's not pretend that the latter does not exist - for both genders.

I remember reading once that monogamy serves to avoid inbreeding. The way it was explained its that if a male were to produce children with many different women and continue moving from woman to woman, creating more and more offspring, it is possible that when those children grow up and find sexual partners themselves, they may end up inadvertently reproducing with their half-siblings.

However I can't say how true that is, there are obviously lots of other factors that influence things like monogomy.

On a moral level I have no issue at all with non-monogamous relationships. In fact I can completely see why they would be beneficial and its something I would consider myself in the right circumstances.

But I find it very offensive re the comments that this this is not natural/normal/ has been drummed into me, by men, over the decades!!!

Well, our wants are always shaped by our environment. The message that you must find a long-term partner at all costs, ESPECIALLY if you are a woman, saturates all our media and art and has shaped our laws. Maybe you would still want a monogamous relationship if you’d been raised with a different model as the gold standard; maybe you wouldn’t. We really can only speculate.

But one thing is certain: if monogamy came easily to humans in general, we wouldn’t need so many social measures to enforce it (or encourage it, at least, nowadays).

I remember reading once that monogamy serves to avoid inbreeding

Hmmmm. Monogamy - life-long monogamy at any rate - is a very new phenonemon in the evolutionary timescale. If it were so beneficial, wouldn't humans have adopted it much sooner?

The way it was explained its that if a male were to produce children with many different women and continue moving from woman to woman, creating more and more offspring,

This is a fantasy view. For most of our history, humans lived in very small groups of maybe no more than about 200 people - men, women and children. So there simply wasn't the option for men to go around knocking up woman after woman. Men's options would in reality have been much more limited.

Woo, I never thought about monogamy from a feminist perspective, does anyone have any good book recommendations?

I'm struggling to picture a healthy open relationship that could work for children as I expect most kids would find it unsettling, but that might be perhaps because I've never seen such a relationship modeled

IcedPurple actually avoiding inbreeding makes more sense in a small community, most people ended up loosely related anyway.

IcedPurple actually avoiding inbreeding makes more sense in a small community, most people ended up loosely related anyway.

My point is that men didn't have the option to 'move from woman to woman' for the vast majority of our history. There simply weren't enough women around.

AFAIK, monogamy only became the norm when farming was invented, about 10,000 years ago - a very short time in the evolutionary timescale. This would strongly suggest that it has much more to do with preserving bloodlines and male control over their property - including women and children.

Not all cultures expect monogamous females. Some tribes in the Yemen and Tibet a woman is expected to marry brothers this is so land isn't split and there are enough people in the family to do the heavy physical work on the farm. So her children could be genetical any brothers but as they are related it doesn't matter. In Tibet where tribes do have polyandry as the norm not all women marry brothers but most do.