to think i just don't fit into this world anymore?

[Indiarose123]

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for months and am ready for my first post. Not totally sure I'm in the right place but there always seems to be good answers here. This may be a long post as I want to explain everything and not miss anything out.

I had a really happy childhood, grew up in Manchester it was just me, my mum and dad as neither of them had any other family but I didn't mind they were the best parents. Primary school was fine but when I got to secondary school I just didn't fit in - I was shy and had bad anxiety and wasn't interested in going to parties or boys which everyone else seemed to be into. I left at 16 after my GCSE's and went to college to study hair dressing, made a few friends and met my future dh.

When I was 19 we moved in together, I fell pregnant and we got married. It was earlier than we had planned to have children but ds was the best thing that ever happened to me. Just before ds turned 3 we noticed he wasn't well and were devastated when he was diagnosed with cancer, he fought hard for a year but passed away 2 days after his 4th birthday.

I was utterly heartbroken and started drinking heavily, dh left me in the end - I don't blame him as I was a nightmare to be around. After about a year I had decided I had had enough and couldn't cope anymore, I wanted to end everything but just couldn't do it to my parents. They we retiring and had decided to move down south to Windsor and wanted me to go with them so I did, I thought maybe a fresh start would help and I would be able to move on but it didn't help.

I'm turning 29 next week and would like to sort myself out before I turn 30 but I have no idea where to start, I'm still living with my parents and house prices down here are a lot higher than I imagined so I have little chance of moving out any time soon.

I have no career, I work 24 hrs a week in a salon but I had to start from the bottom again so the money is rubbish.

I can't even think about dating as I'm still in love with my ex who is still in Manchester and has a new partner and baby on the way - I am happy for him as I know it was my fault we split up but receiving divorce papers last month really hurt.

I have no hobbies or interests and not a single friend in the world. I have always felt a bit out of place and the last 4 years have been such a blur I'm just existing not living and I'm only still here because I don't want my mum to go through losing a child like I did. My life is just one big waste of time.

I don't even know what I'm asking or what I'm expecting you to say but I'm hoping its something along the lines of I haven't left it too late and can still turn things around?

I have no words of wisdom but I couldn't just read and run.
Have you spoken to your GP about everything that has happened as you really have gone through the mill.
I hope somebody has some helpful advice for you on here soon

Oh op I don’t no what to say but I’m nearly in tears after reading your post. I can’t begin to understand how hard that must have been for you. you are still young you have plenty of time to find happiness again and have more children who will bring you joy again. I can’t imagine your pain and it will never truly go away but please don’t give up all hope

I’m so sorry to hear about your little boy no parent should ever have to lose a child and the fact that even through all your pain and grief at losing your son you didn’t want to put your parents through that shows the depth of your love and strength.

Could you maybe try a few things to see if anything takes your fancy? I accidentally discovered cross stitch and now I go to a cross stitch circle where I have made a few friends. Could you try a book club or yoga? How is your drinking now? AA is very community based, is that something you might benefit from?

You do fit, you have just been through a terrible loss and you’re not only grieving for your son but your marriage too. That’s ok, give yourself all the love and self care you can. Have you had any kind of counselling?

OP i am so so sorry for what you've been through and your doing amazing to be wanting to turn it around, it's NEVER too late.
Wishing you all the best

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. I’m sure your feelings are fairly common among bereaved parents.

Keep going with work and try and go for promotions when you can. Are you able to do more hours, keep busy and improve your financial situation?

Find someone to talk to, the Samaritans are always there and will listen without judgement.

In terms of meeting someone, sometimes people fall into your life when you’re least expecting it. In time you’ll feel ready for a new relationship.

The bottom line is, things can change. It won’t always be like this. Try not to lose hope.

Oh this is so sad, I am so so sorry about your little boy OP. Have you ever had any counselling or talked to anyone? What support have you had?

As a pp said you are still young and have so much chance to be happy again. Is there anything you want to do? Is there a career you’re interested in? Travelling? Studying?

Thank you to everyone that has replied. I never had any counselling as I was so depressed that first year after I was either drunk or just couldn't get out of bed. when I moved to Windsor I thought I'd be ok without it as I wouldn't have to see the nursery or the park I used to take ds to or the house we lived in but he's all I think about.

Awww massive hugs , maybe counselling would be a good move, you have been through such a lot. I agree, go and see your GP.

That’s completely understandable. Your ds is still very much alive in your memory so it’s only natural that a change in locations doesn’t stop you from thinking about all the things you did together. How do you feel about talking to a gp about how your feeling and possibly some grief counselling?

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. It does sound like you could benefit from bereavement counselling. Please do speak to your GP as soon as you can.

I live close to Windsor too, please PM me if you want some support. Hugs

You sound like a very strong woman and even posting here is a great first step. Please see your GP, you’ve suffeered enough. I’m sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you've been through, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must have been.
I don't have much advice that previous posters haven't already said (I really think seeing your GP and counselling would be a good idea, and maybe seeing if there's a hobby or group you could try?), I just wanted to say that it's definitely not too late to turn everything around, it's never too late! Despite everything, you're still here, which means that you're stronger than you probably think you are. You've gone through all that and you haven't given up yet so don't give up now! Really wish all the best for you x

[email protected] is how you can contact the samaritans, they are amazing.
So sorry you have been through this.

Please stop blaming yourself for your dh leaving you. You lost a child and couldn't cope. However you behaved was a result of this but your dh couldn't cope either. It's no one's fault!
Even after all this time I think bereavement counselling would help. See your GP as others have suggested.
You have been incredibly strong to post this on Mumsnet. Get the help you need and deserve.

You can definitely turn things around, you are still young. Life can be unbelievably cruel, but it can also be so amazing and special. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through.
Speak to a councillor if you can, I think it's great you wrote this post and I wish you well.

For you op. You're so brave to even come on here and explain how you feel. You've already taken steps to improve your life by stopping drinking and things will continue to get better. It will take time but you'll get there and there will come a time when thinking of your little boy will only bring you joy. All love to you xx

I nearly cried reading your post. What an incredibly strong woman you are! You have been dealt with the shittiest possible blow for a parent and yet are here, thinking of others (your parents), asking for help and guidance and looking forward. The future might look bleak now, but the fact you can ask for help shows that you will get through and change your current circumstance.

I second counselling; now might be a good time. If not one to one, perhaps a support group?

Also, have you thought about joining a choir? A wonderful way to help mentally and emotionally, and you may just make some friends along the way.

You've got my greatest sympathies for what has happened to you and that you're still determined to turn your life around!

I agree with all posts above:
See a GP for counselling, it'll take time but it'll certainly help.

Have you ever written down what you'd like for your own future. My counsellor gave me an exercise of writing a letter to my future self about what I want for my future self. Just write down anything that comes to mind and keep focusing on that.

Can you try get more hours or help out in a different saloon? Working keeps my mind from silly thoughts, and every extra pound helps towards getting your own place.

Try the meet up app for finding social groups, you don't have to like going out but having social contact is terribly important to our mental wellbeing.

And if you're afraid, just do it afraid. Life can be terrible to us, but it doesn't have to stay like that

op well done for joining up and making a post. Even talking to internet people is a good thing - you're talki ng. I really don't know what to say about your child - what you went througn and are still going through, no words can do it justice.
I think you're tougher than what you think, the worst thing that can happen has happened to you, and you're still here. It would absolutely destroy some people, they woul dnt surv ive it.
Did you have counselling? If you've been asked this and answered, sorry, I've missed it.
I can only go throu gh what helps me, and ive had it pretty easy compared to yoi, but have you tried mindfulness? do you like reading? Those two things help me. Also exercise (I know, i know, i fucking hate the thought of doing it), but its the best mood booster available.
op, you're NEVER too old!

Hi Op, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you - so much sadness and you are still so young. What you have gone through is very extreme and anybody would be devastated. You haven't done anything wrong, you are a bereaved mother, and sadly I think a lot of relationships don't survive the death of a child - as nothing is the same. Yes it is a shame you turned to alcohol but nobody would blame you and now you are ready to try different things. How about an evening class to learn new hairdressing skills? They should be starting in September so now is a good time to research.

OP = amazing
In awe

www.eastberks.ac.uk/courses.html

Just cried my eyes out reading this op. Manchester isn't too far away from me and if you were still there I'd drive over tomorrow to give you a big hug. It's definitely not too late, you sound like a lovely strong person, you have your life ahead of you to find someone else and move on, maybe even have a family again if that's what you wanted. If I was you I'd stay put for now with your parents, but look out for any new classes starting near you, for anything really! Could be exercise or learning a language, I only say this because there will be other people there on their own as well so you have a chance at making friends.

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom but I didn't want to read and run. I am so, so sorry to read about your son. You may not feel it, but you are such a strong woman. You have some so far, in such tragic circumstances. As others have already said, you may find counselling beneficial.
I sincerely wish you all the best for the future and hope that you soon begin to feel that you find your fit in the world

Hi OP, I’m so sorry to hear about your little boy. It’s completely understandable that you’re still feeling down, and I agree that some kind of grief counselling may help. Have you got a GP in your area? Windsor isn’t too far from London - I live in London and would be more than happy to go for a coffee with you if you need a buddy