to think i just don't fit into this world anymore?

[Indiarose123]

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for months and am ready for my first post. Not totally sure I'm in the right place but there always seems to be good answers here. This may be a long post as I want to explain everything and not miss anything out.

I had a really happy childhood, grew up in Manchester it was just me, my mum and dad as neither of them had any other family but I didn't mind they were the best parents. Primary school was fine but when I got to secondary school I just didn't fit in - I was shy and had bad anxiety and wasn't interested in going to parties or boys which everyone else seemed to be into. I left at 16 after my GCSE's and went to college to study hair dressing, made a few friends and met my future dh.

When I was 19 we moved in together, I fell pregnant and we got married. It was earlier than we had planned to have children but ds was the best thing that ever happened to me. Just before ds turned 3 we noticed he wasn't well and were devastated when he was diagnosed with cancer, he fought hard for a year but passed away 2 days after his 4th birthday.

I was utterly heartbroken and started drinking heavily, dh left me in the end - I don't blame him as I was a nightmare to be around. After about a year I had decided I had had enough and couldn't cope anymore, I wanted to end everything but just couldn't do it to my parents. They we retiring and had decided to move down south to Windsor and wanted me to go with them so I did, I thought maybe a fresh start would help and I would be able to move on but it didn't help.

I'm turning 29 next week and would like to sort myself out before I turn 30 but I have no idea where to start, I'm still living with my parents and house prices down here are a lot higher than I imagined so I have little chance of moving out any time soon.

I have no career, I work 24 hrs a week in a salon but I had to start from the bottom again so the money is rubbish.

I can't even think about dating as I'm still in love with my ex who is still in Manchester and has a new partner and baby on the way - I am happy for him as I know it was my fault we split up but receiving divorce papers last month really hurt.

I have no hobbies or interests and not a single friend in the world. I have always felt a bit out of place and the last 4 years have been such a blur I'm just existing not living and I'm only still here because I don't want my mum to go through losing a child like I did. My life is just one big waste of time.

I don't even know what I'm asking or what I'm expecting you to say but I'm hoping its something along the lines of I haven't left it too late and can still turn things around?

Your post has left me in tears OP, & I am not a crier. I have no advice, none at all. Because if I was in your position I know I would feel exactly the same way as you do, lost & helpless. To have gone through what you have & still think of others says so much about your character, I'm not sure I could be as selfless. My heart hurts for you, & your little boy, truly. If anyone deserves a bit of happiness, it is surely you. I pray you will find it, in what ever form that may be. I will be thinking of you OP, you have made all of today's trivial bullshit seem so irrelevant. So much love to you ❤️

Hello India, I'm glad you decided to post.

What you have been through is every parent's worst nightmare. As someone said above, most people would rather lose anything else in the world, rather than a child. It is the worst kind of grief. I'm so sad for you, getting over the way you felt as a teen, things going right, only to lose your beloved son.

I'm not surprised you tried to obliterate all feeling with alcohol; it must have been/must be, unbearably painful.

Many couples who lose a child don't manage to hold it together; probably because you can't help each other, because you're both suffering. As a previous poster said, the marriage ending wasn't your fault or his, it was just all too much.

I would also like to say that you sound like a lovely, gentle person. The fact that you don't want to cause your parents pain says a great deal about you.

Don't even consider property ladders in the south east or what you should or shouldn't be doing; take everything in very small steps. I'm hoping that, the fact that you finally felt like posting perhaps suggests you're now ready to unlock some of the grief you tried to block out?

Just reading beautiful's post ... I too am in tears and thoroughly ashamed of the things I let bother me, when you're dealing with what you're dealing with. It's humbling.

Would you consider grief counselling?

Oh sweetheart, you are so young. It's all still up ahead for you. Keep going. I'm so sorry for everything that you've been through and am inspired by your strength that you've survived and are able to see it all and articulate it all. You are on the road to recovery from the worst kind of hell.

I am certain that one day you'll be glad that you didn't give up - something ahead will be worth waiting for. You totally deserve it and you will have happier times - there's so much still to come.

Big hugs OP. It sounds horrendous.

I think it would help if you find people who have experienced what you have been through. A quick google showed up The Laura Centre and there are lots more coming up that deal with parental bereavement.

It might be a start and you will build your life back together bit by bit. You are still very young and don't force any age-related artificial deadlines on yourself. You are ready when you are ready.

Your post has really moved me. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been through so much, it's no wonder you feel so lost. I'm sure there's a life worth living here for you, and reaching out to us is the first step towards it.

I wish you the very best IndiaRose, please seek support as others have suggested. Wishing you peace and hope in your future xxx

So sorry for your loss OP you sound like a lovely person to be so concerned about your parents. I think the reason you feel like you don’t belong in this world is that you haven’t got over the loss of your little boy or the breakdown of your marriage. These are huge issues to deal with, especially without any help. Agree with all the PPs who’ve said please seek counselling. I really hope things work out for you.

I am so deeply sorry for what you have experienced (and your son and family).

Other people have offered some excellent avenues to explore for support.

My observation on what you posted about fitting in would be that you are being incredibly harsh on yourself. Firstly, many many teens find secondary hard and don't feel they fit. Then whilst you were still a teen and finding your feet you got married. You would have been wrapped up in your new relationship and then married life. Clearly when your son then arrived life went in hold firstly as babies and toddlers tend to have that effect and secondly due to your sons illness and loss.

You have then had grief to contend with on top of a complete upheaval in your life in every sense.

Add to that you have been drinking alcohol which is a depressant so worsening your pain and struggles.

With all this you are still young so youve been for one hell of a ride and coped with far kore than many people could. I genuinely think you should be kinder to yourself and acknowledge that actually you're doing pretty well all things considered. Your strength is something else

You can most definately turn this around. Have a few ideas you feel you can commit to. Either try one at a time or several at once, just make sure they feel manageable and appealing. If one doesnt work, try another. Wishing you all the best.

You poor poor thing, you’ve been through such a lot. Please be kind to yourself, you don’t need to have it all together, you just need to start very gently enjoying life again and things will start to click into place for you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Only somebody who has experienced it can understand. I would strongly recommend counselling too and also finding a group of women who have had similar experiences.
Your counsellor could hopefully help you find this. It can be awkward at first but once you open up and find people you can trust, it can help you so much. You'll probably spend most of the time crying but you wouldn't be human if you didn't.
Also, remember most people have a time where we feel we don't fit, trust me you do fit and you're still here. Loads of love to you xxx

Oh OP, my heart aches for you. That sounds like a cliche i know, but i really am aching inside after reading your post. You have been and are still going through so much. It doesn't sound like you've been able to grieve fully for your son yet and like others I'd suggest trying bereavement counselling, to explore whether it could help you find some modicum of peace. You sound so kind and emotionally generous in your post. The world is a better place for having you in it; whether you believe that right now or not - it is true.

Enjoy spending time with your parents. Cherish the precious memories of your son. Above all, please be kind to yourself; you've had an impossibly difficult time. But you're still so young, with so much potential for future happiness ahead of you.

Just wanted to add my support OP, you sound great & echo the advice given here. You might find a support group useful to talk with. Your feelings are totally understandable & you can definitely feel like you fit in again.

Have your parents links with Windsor or why did they choose to go there? I too will be thinking & hoping brighter things for you x

Just a thought: it's very common to feel like a square peg in a round hole in the world when you have an addiction. Not very well put - addicts almost always feel we just don't fit in the world bcs we are fundamentally different to everyone else.

Go along to AA and just listen to the shares. Hang around there and it may be you'll meet your people at last.

Thinking of you

I'm sorry about your son.

I can't believe how much support I've had on here, kind of wish I'd posted sooner now.

Thank you to everyone that has offered advice I definitely think I will give counselling a go or at least join a support group. To whoever asked me if I still enjoy hairdressing? Not really but at nearly 30 I just don't know what I could retrain as? I did ok in my GCSE's (all a-c grades) but I didn't take any A levels and the only thing other than hair dressing that I was interested in was childcare but I don't think I can do that after losing ds. The girls at the salon are mostly younger than me 23/24 and are getting their lives sorted whereas I'm having to start from the beginning.

I also feel for my poor parents I think they were looking forward to a quiet retirement and now they're stuck with me, they don't seem to mind and are very supportive but realistically how long can I stay with them without being a weirdo?

I would like to meet someone new and often think about having another child but that makes me feel guilty like I'm betraying my ds. Also don't even know where to begin with finding a new man let alone explaining to him why I'm such a mess and all the baggage I come with.

Thank you all again.

Your parents love you very much and won’t consider it as “being stuck with you”. You’re they’re daughter and they want to be happy. You stay with them for as long as you need to, from all you’ve said here they sound like wonderful people who want the best for you and I’m sure they’ll be happy to have you as long as you want/need to be.

Hairdressing is hard! I couldn’t do it. Not just the practical side but the social bit too. You’re amazing to have accomplished it through your grief and pain but if it isn’t what you enjoy anymore there are lots of options for you. I can understand childcare would be hard but could you explore maybe something creative like writing, pet care, gardening?

I also think it’s realky worth exploring counselling. You havd suffered so much and the alcohol will have numbed that, it may help you deal with the grief. Sorry if I’ve missed you saying but is your drinking ok now? AA isn’t for everyone but it is a very loving community that helps lots of people.

Well done for posting here. And I hope all the above makes sense, I had a fit last night (I’m epileptic) and am a bit fuzzy headed!

Lots of love

I am glad you have found your thread so helpful. It was me who asked about hairdressing. With decent GCSEs, you could look into access courses leading into a degree if you want to study for a more professional career. If you want a less academic change, dont forget the apprenticeship route. You do not have to be a school leaver and it can be a route into many different vocations. Take the time to think about different jobs and see what is around to get ideas.

I would like to meet someone new and often think about having another child but that makes me feel guilty like I'm betraying my ds. Also don't even know where to begin with finding a new man let alone explaining to him why I'm such a mess and all the baggage I come with

You are young, there's no rush. You need to concentrate on just you for now. Your feeling about betraying your ds if you have another child is natural, many parents who lose a child feel that way. Counselling will help you with that.
You've done well this far, ...believe it and be kind to yourself.

Hi OP. I haven’t read all the replies but wanted to give you a virtual hug! Have you tried connecting with other parents who have lost their little ones? That might help you with your grief and getting your head and heart around your loss. Xx

India you are not on your own,,many people feel the same way from time to time. I feel the same sometimes too. I walk around Manc and think, i dont belong here !

Clearly your ex has moved on so you need to try and move on also. The world is a big place and when the right time comes, there will be another special person in your life.

There is a lid for every pot :)

I feel that you are mildly depressed and have lost your way

May i recommend a really good book? you will be able to pick up a cheap used copy on abebooks its an easy read, not full of psychobabble,,it helps the reader to recognise negative thought patterns and unproductive behaviours

Brilliant CBT by Dr stephen Briars

I cannot tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your Son, sending you lots of love and hoping that you are able to get some counselling. Please be very gentle with yourself and draw on the strength of your parents. One suggestion for the future might be to start your own hairdressing business, but your priority is clearly to look after yourself. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are getting on.

so very sorry about your little boy.

I think counselling would be a good idea for you. You are still very young, with a lifetime ahead of you. Sometimes life takes you to places you never thought about.

I think the idea of sorting your life out by the time you are 30 is a lot of pressure.
Take one thing at a time. If you aren't happy with work, maybe think about retraining, a different job may increase your income which could lead to you being able to afford your own place, and so on.
I know its a bit cliched but try and join a few social clubs, a gym, anything to give you a bit of a social life so you can make some friends.

Rebuilding a life takes time. Don't worry about what anyone else is doing, or what they have achieved at what age. Focus on yourself, set yourself some goals, small ones at first so you get some confidence back.
good luck

Take some time to thing about what interests you, what did you dream of doing as a kid? It might still be possible, you are definitely not too old for a career change and retraining, especially with good GCSEs.

When you're ready you can always start a thread on here, explaining and I'm sure the mumsnetters will have all sorts of ideas you may never have heard of, but we'd need a few starting points of interest!

But first counselling and starting to create a support network.

So sorry about your little boy you sound like a wonderful mummy. You are so young and have been through so much and you have survived. You can do anything, but please seek counselling and let your parents support you (if you have a close relationship, I hope you do). You are amazing x