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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i just don't fit into this world anymore?

74 replies

Indiarose123 · 10/07/2018 14:02

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for months and am ready for my first post. Not totally sure I'm in the right place but there always seems to be good answers here. This may be a long post as I want to explain everything and not miss anything out.

I had a really happy childhood, grew up in Manchester it was just me, my mum and dad as neither of them had any other family but I didn't mind they were the best parents. Primary school was fine but when I got to secondary school I just didn't fit in - I was shy and had bad anxiety and wasn't interested in going to parties or boys which everyone else seemed to be into. I left at 16 after my GCSE's and went to college to study hair dressing, made a few friends and met my future dh.

When I was 19 we moved in together, I fell pregnant and we got married. It was earlier than we had planned to have children but ds was the best thing that ever happened to me. Just before ds turned 3 we noticed he wasn't well and were devastated when he was diagnosed with cancer, he fought hard for a year but passed away 2 days after his 4th birthday.

I was utterly heartbroken and started drinking heavily, dh left me in the end - I don't blame him as I was a nightmare to be around. After about a year I had decided I had had enough and couldn't cope anymore, I wanted to end everything but just couldn't do it to my parents. They we retiring and had decided to move down south to Windsor and wanted me to go with them so I did, I thought maybe a fresh start would help and I would be able to move on but it didn't help.

I'm turning 29 next week and would like to sort myself out before I turn 30 but I have no idea where to start, I'm still living with my parents and house prices down here are a lot higher than I imagined so I have little chance of moving out any time soon.

I have no career, I work 24 hrs a week in a salon but I had to start from the bottom again so the money is rubbish.

I can't even think about dating as I'm still in love with my ex who is still in Manchester and has a new partner and baby on the way - I am happy for him as I know it was my fault we split up but receiving divorce papers last month really hurt.

I have no hobbies or interests and not a single friend in the world. I have always felt a bit out of place and the last 4 years have been such a blur I'm just existing not living and I'm only still here because I don't want my mum to go through losing a child like I did. My life is just one big waste of time.

I don't even know what I'm asking or what I'm expecting you to say but I'm hoping its something along the lines of I haven't left it too late and can still turn things around?

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 10/07/2018 22:12

OP, I’m so sorry! I mean it. Nobody should have to go through what you’ve been going through.
Healing takes time. Give yourself time and patience and love.
💐

CaMePlaitPas · 10/07/2018 22:21

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers Wishing you all the best

AlbaAlba · 10/07/2018 22:25

I'm so sad for you, but I can't begin to imaging what you've been through.

Please get some counselling, and don't be hard on yourself. All I can say is that things do get better - I haven't had a tragedy like yours, but have experienced a major traumatic event at a similar age, the ripples of which spread through my life. I've had some really bad times, but time and support and counselling do help.

There is a place for you, you've just got to find it, and that probably feels scary and overwhelming just now. Do you have any interests from the 'old' you, that you could pursue now and start, with baby steps, to build your new life?

Leyani · 10/07/2018 22:26

It sounds like you've not had a proper chance to grieve due to the drink? Do you think it might help to look for a support group for parents who've experienced similar loss due to illness? Just thought you might find people who really 'get it' and where you don't have to pretend and fake that you're ok when you're not. Maybe you're not quite ready to move on with life yet, in which case give yourself some time - you're still young!

Mammalamb · 10/07/2018 22:29

Op. I am so sorry for you. I honestly can’t imagine what you’ve been through. You have done amazing to start piecing your life together again.

tildaMa · 10/07/2018 22:30

Of course you fit! It may not feel like it right now, but you are young and there's a lot in the world for you.

Counselling is a very good idea, it will not fix you by magic, but will teach you how to deal with your experiences.
Also now that you feel able to interact with the world again maybe consider moving to a different career? Keep your mind busy learning new things, find a new purpose?

Ginkypig · 10/07/2018 22:30

Sweetheart there's nothing wrong with you, it's not that you don't fit, your broken hearted because you lost your child and then your marriage.

You need some proper help that's all. You can't heal because you need someone (a professional) to walk you through the process of learning a new way to live after everything that happened.
Nothing will stop you from missing your child, that changed things forever and you will live with that pain forever because you loved him! but you can with help forge a new way of living.

Livingtothefull · 10/07/2018 22:31

I am so sorry OP for what you have been through. You have had some great advice and I don’t have much further to add...but please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal. I absolutely believe you can turn things round but reach out for the support you need.

LikesAnimalPark · 10/07/2018 22:34

Cruse has a local bereavement group www.cruse.org.uk/tvb, might be a way to meet people who understand what you've been thru.

cunningartificer · 10/07/2018 22:37

You are a brave and good person, thinking of your ex, thinking of your parents. Now think of yourself as well. Yes counselling, yes join groups, but more than anything forgive yourself for your grief and your bad choices in the wake of that. Your baby, if he could, would want you to be happy, but this will take time, don’t rush the healing. You have done so much that is good. Have you thought about further education? What would you like to do in the future? Going to college could give you a new range of friends as well as other interesting things.

cunningartificer · 10/07/2018 22:41

And yes of course you fit into this world! The world is full of sad and broken people and people who have been bereaved, and lived on. I used to think the proper response to the death of someone you loved was to die too, until my sister went through it and I saw what courage it took to live and be happy.

Kahlua4me · 10/07/2018 22:42

Cruse bereavement offer counselling mainly aimed at loss so they should help you. They will come to your house, or meet you at their office, whichever suits you best.

Have a look online and find thebranch nearest you. I used the branch in Bracknell and found them very helpful.

Have a look at your local college to see what courses are available for you as that is often a way to meet new people or join a keep fit class etc..

RaininSummer · 10/07/2018 22:50

Goodness you have had a sad time. So sorry about your little boy. I wondered how much you still enjoy hairdressing or if you might consider retraining in a different field? You are young and studying again whilst living with parents might be the ideal time for a big change.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/07/2018 22:50

Yes, there's time. There's plenty of time.
It is completely and utterly understandable that you went off the rails. Of course you did. It would be strange if you hadn't really. There can't be anything worse in the world than what happened to you. You drank, other people may have done something else.
Moving, posting here, setting yourself a time limit, are all positive things to try to get your life back on track.
Just wait.
You'll get there x

neveradullmoment99 · 10/07/2018 22:53
Flowers Don't be hard on yourself. You are grieving the loss of your baby boy. I honestly don't know how you can come to terms with that loss. I cant begin to imagine. Remember, you are still grieving. In all honesty, I agree with others who have said to go to the doctor. Its a step in the right direction to get the help you need.
Candyflip · 10/07/2018 22:55

Oh OP, you poor thing. I am so sorry for all the heartbreak you have been through. Please look into counselling. Life is hard and it is very very unfair, but you are young and things will get better for you. I hope you find peace and happiness soon.

RainyAfternoon · 10/07/2018 22:59

Just seen you are in Windsor. This organisation is local to you (they are national, but based in Bucks). childbereavementuk.org/ They support families when a child dies, as well as supporting bereaved children. This lists the type of support they can offer
childbereavementuk.org/for-families/support/buckinghamshire/

Wishing you the best for a brighter future.

Matilda15 · 10/07/2018 23:01

I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through, you sound amazing.

I think seeing your GP for a recommendation for grief counselling would be a good idea, it will help to get it all out there.

Look after yourself xx

20nil · 10/07/2018 23:04

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please do seek counselling. It can be hard to ask but it it really can make a difference. I don’t expect that anyone can ever fully recover from the death of a child, but I hope you can find some peace at least.

BlackberryandNettle · 10/07/2018 23:05

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been through a horrendous loss and aftermath, it's no wonder you feel disconnected. Plus it must be hard seeing your ex moving forward. On the other hand, it sounds like you have a lot of self awareness and you are still so young. I'd say try to get some counseling, as much as possible, and seek out a support group. Perhaps through that you can rebuild some social connections and go from there. Good luck and stay strong.

WereAllBladesArentWe · 10/07/2018 23:05

FlowersFlowers To you OP.
Be kind to yourself, take time to heal a little at a time and look at all this wonderful advice here from these fabulous people. Now THAT'S a world that has a place for you x

mummyof2munchkins · 10/07/2018 23:09

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies. I read the OP and i have to tell you i admire you so much. You have got yourself up and managed some way of getting through the hell I imagine you have been living. That in itself makes you an incredibly strong and amazing person. You have been through more than torture, most of the people reading this thread would rather suffer personal pain, harm, anything than face the incredibly horrible situation you have found yourself in. I hope you have found some support in real life, if not please reach out to any of the mn's who i have no doubt will be expressing their support. You are amazing, far stronger than many of us prey we will ever have to be. Huge hugs and please message if you need to talk. xxxx

Wittow · 10/07/2018 23:11

Absolutely horrific to lose a child. I simply don't want to think about it but you've been through it...

You must need some sort of therapy to get through that; it's amazing you're still on the planet. All love to you xx

Ssssurvey · 10/07/2018 23:12

I think more people than we realise have that feeling after something so traumatic that they don't fit in. You really need someone to talk to that you can confide everything with, from your point of view (a counsellor would be better than someone you know as you will worry about their opinion). You are trying to cope with the day to day. It's possible you have post traumatic stress as you have been through a devastating loss and then a life changing break up. Please be very very very kind to yourself and seek help. You are a very important and valued person and you deserve to give yourself the best after what you have been through xx

AlbaAlba · 10/07/2018 23:17

Good point Ssssurvey, that feeling of isolation and not fitting in is a pretty classic PTSD symptom. You don't actually have to be the person in danger to get PTSD, OP, it can be caused when someone you love is in danger.

I think you're being incredibly brave OP.