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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it’s cheeky fuckery to ask to bring baby?

91 replies

IncyWincyMouseRat · 10/07/2018 11:16

Friend from work is having a birthday meal about a month after my due date, being organised by some other colleagues. It’s possible I’ll have a six week old baby but also entirely possible I’ll have a two week old baby.

Was IBU to ask if baby would be welcome (if all was well)? I said it was absolutely fine if not (as I totally understand that it opens up the floodgates to anyone dropping in the old ‘I could get childcare’ excuse and the place being overrun with toddlers) and I didn’t want to detract from the special event.

What is the normal etiquette for stuff like this? I have no idea!

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 10/07/2018 12:52

I think it’s rude to ask and putting the person who’s Birthday it is in a very difficult position.
Let them enjoy their meal and arrange for everyone to see your baby another time - it does make it “all about you”
I’ve just had a baby recently so I’m not unsympathetic. I expressed if I wanted to go out but appreciate not everyone can.

MargaretCavendish · 10/07/2018 12:53

My concern if it were me would be less about the baby disturbing things and more about it becoming a bit 'all about me' if it was the first time everyone was meeting the baby? It could feel a little like hijacking someone else's event.

Racecardriver · 10/07/2018 12:54

I would expect young babies to be brought along tbh. I wouldn't have anything g against people bringing toddlers etc but would expect them to be left at home with grandparent/baby sitter etc.

Bagadverts · 10/07/2018 12:58

I'd find it hard to say no. Although possibly nice for you, everyone wanting to hold the baby and coo over it could overshadow the birthday. This will especially be true if it is the first opportunity for them to see the baby/congratulate.

seventhgonickname · 10/07/2018 13:15

I would ask but only go if the chairs were soft.I didn't find leaving my baby at that age easy as the leakage at around the next feed time was not conducive to enjoyment.

Katedotness1963 · 10/07/2018 13:30

I wouldn't. The birthday person should be the centre of attention at their birthday celebration. But a newborn is likely to be instead.

NameChangeUni · 10/07/2018 13:36

I would expect young babies to be brought along tbh.

To a colleague’s birthday lunch? God, how entitled are you? It’s about the celebration of the friend’s birthday, not someone’s baby. Absolutely no reason to ‘expect’ children to be there - it’s not even a family get together!

ChanklyBore · 10/07/2018 13:37

I don’t know if they are invited OP but just ask.

FGS of course you can go out for dinner with a newborn. I was at a fancy birthday dinner with a few day old baby who just laid in a sling asleep and I ate. Newborns are great. And someone else makes you food. Really what isn’t to like about that?

gamerwidow · 10/07/2018 13:41

I think if it’s an informal non boozy lunch it’s fine but I absolutely wouldn’t take a baby to evening dinner .

Jux · 10/07/2018 13:56

Just ask.

Original poster
IncyWincyMouseRat · 10/07/2018 14:23

I asked and then had no reply (birthday girl isn’t organising, it’s other friends) so was worried that I’d made a massive faux pas. Did make it clear it doesn’t matter but would be unlikely to be able to come without baby so would have to let them know nearer the time. Just a bit annoying as it’s a pay in advance type affair so would be happier to do so knowing baby would be welcome if needs be (if I can’t make it on the day and lose the money, that’s my problem).

OP posts:
runsmidgeOMG · 10/07/2018 14:44

It depends on the circle of friends. In our group of 6, three of us have DC ranging from age 1-3.
When it's daytime stuff it tends to be a "I can come but will have to bring DC" the others have never minded that we know of and we can always tell if it's an age appropriate occasion
Ie. Lunch at a cafe, yes
30th bash in Amsterdam... probably not Wink

user1486915549 · 10/07/2018 14:48

I think asking has made it difficult for them to say no.
It does alter the dynamic and moves the focus away from a Birthday celebration.
Couldn’t you invite them to meet up again some time soon to meet baby ?
Actually I bet you won’t even feel like going when the time comes.

MadMags · 10/07/2018 14:53

I’d just pull out, OP.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/07/2018 14:54

Well, it's also difficult for OP if she's supposed to confirm whether or not she can come in advance, and she doesn't know if her baby will come on, before or after its due date. So it's not at all unreasonable to ask whether it would be possible to bring the baby.

CalmBlueOcean · 10/07/2018 16:08

No way would I want to commit to something like that with a newborn on the horizon. I wouldn't go with or without the baby, personally. Was still bleeding, sweating, leaking milk, dealing with vaginal stitches and surviving on 2 hours sleep at 2 weeks. And by 6 weeks he had colic and was crying constantly!

CalmBlueOcean · 10/07/2018 16:08

In answer to your question, it's not CFery to ask.

anotherBadAvatar · 10/07/2018 16:15

Hahahaha

^What CalmBlueOcean said

Even the IDEA of going out for dinner at that stage wouldn't have entered my mind. I was a sleep-deprived hallucinating wreck.

I'm sure some people bounced back on their feet 30mins after giving birth, but that is far from the reality.

SnapCards · 10/07/2018 17:04

I'd get DH to drive us to lunch (assuming he's available) feed baby in the car, go in for 2-3 hours and get DH to pick me up, feed baby and go back in or just go home.

I wouldn't take a newborn to a work colleagues lunch, personally. And if you ask, you put the person in the difficult position of being the arsehole who told a new mum you don't want her baby there.

SnapCards · 10/07/2018 17:06

Reading my post back, I laughed to myself anf thought 'like fuck would I do all that!'

I'd be at home, in my PJs on the sofa!

greendale17 · 10/07/2018 17:11

Say "I'd love to come but won't be able to leave the baby"
She'll either say "bring the baby" or "shame, we'll miss you"

^This is perfect

Tumbleweed101 · 10/07/2018 17:13

In my circles a baby that tiny would be welcome for a lunch meet up. They would all want a cuddle.

Sleeplikeasloth · 10/07/2018 18:16

I'd been out for dinner, loads of lunches, taken baby to a party strapped to my chest etc, by a few weeks. If your baby cries a lot, it might not be appropriate, but mine never really cried much (maybe 30 seconds every few hours if hungry before was given bottle). They are very portable, and providing you leave if baby kicks off, then it makes sense to be able to take them IMO.

KneesupGaston · 10/07/2018 23:28

'To a colleague’s birthday lunch? God, how entitled are you? It’s about the celebration of the friend’s birthday, not someone’s baby.'

You know, life happens to us all and it isn't suspended for somebody's birthday. Most people don't expect a mother to leave their newborn at home for a birthday lunch and that's not being entitled, it's being realistic and just not being an arsehole tbh.

gamerwidow · 11/07/2018 07:58

In my circles a baby that tiny would be welcome for a lunch meet up. They would all want a cuddle.
See in my circles none of us would be interested in cuddling a baby. Which I think highlights that only you know which category your work colleagues fall into.
I think I’ve you've asked and not got a yes back you need to assume your baby isn’t welcome.
Don’t take it as a slight they don’t hate you or your baby but for some a baby spoils the dynamic.

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