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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my mother-in-law who deliberately leaves bright pink lipstick kiss marks on my baby?

91 replies

MammaBell · 09/07/2018 14:16

She does it every time we/she visits and when I wipe it off she will laugh and then do it immediately again. Just yesterday we visited and as soon as we walked in the door she applied her lipstick and gave my DD a huge kiss on the forehead and said "there you are, there's your lipstick" so I immediately began rubbing it off and politely said to her "please don't leave lipstick on her" and she replied "you stop rubbing it off as I'll just keep doing it, all over her head" and she chuckled away. I said "I'm asking you not to do that as I don't like it and I doubt she does either" and she laughed and waved her hand dismissively at me and walked away. I just can't understand why she wants to do that? I think it's tacky and no adult would want to go about with lipstick marks on their face and head! I make an effort to care about keeping my baby clean and presentable, so it's irritating that she wants to leave pink lip mark blotches all over her. I just don't get it lol and I don't know how to get through to her so she stops doing it. I know it seems trivial but it gets under my skin every weekend grrrrrr Angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
MammaBell · 09/07/2018 17:44

I never thought of it that way in terms of a territorial thing but in hindsight it kind of makes sense. Yes, as some PPs have hinted towards, there is some backstory but I'd be here all day typing lol. But basically since we told her we were pregnant my MIL has been bitchy to me...e.g. when we told her we were expecting she said "I thought you were looking fat" and she left the house; the following week she then came out of her huff to explain that it was because she was disappointed that we didn't tell her sooner (we did the standard 12 week wait after the first scan and our parents were the first we told); she went in a rage because we wouldn't find out (and tell her) our baby's sex, in fact on one occasion her exact words were "I bet you'll find out what make it is and not tell me"; and there's more examples like that and she's continued to act this way since our DD was born. My girl is now 4 months old, recently it's been criticisms about my breastfeeding...that I feed my DD too often, or for too long. She says it's annoying because no one else can have her because I'm feeding her...so yeah the territorial idea correlates with this!
I do honestly feel like she is doing it also because she knows it irritates me and she's winding me up. I hadn't bothered saying anything about it till yesterday as that time she deliberately put the lipstick on. I mean, it's fair enough if you already have lipstick on and you want to give baby a kiss, and like some PPs have said - when that happens, normal people would then wipe their lipstick off the child....that is totally fine! But to purposely want to put the lipstick on my DD and not want it wiped off is just weird, tacky and rude in my opinion!
My DH and his father NEVER stand up to her, she gets away with murder! So nah my DH won't talk to her. He's said just leave her be and wipe the lipstick off when she's not looking and not make a fuss. Tbh it shouldn't come to that though, if I've already asked her to quit it then that should be end of subject!
I think me making a fuss is probably like adding fuel to the fire so I might try just ignoring her and doing as my DH says. If I see her applying the lipstick again though to kiss my DD I'm going to walk away with my baby and tell MIL to behave lol!

OP posts:
PorkFlute · 09/07/2018 17:45

Buy the stickiest/darkest lipgloss you can and apply liberally before her next visit. Plant a smacker on her cheek when she arrives and reapply and do it again each time she wipes it off😂
In all seriousness though if you see her applying the stuff and heading for your child again put your hand out or walk away and warn her that if she smears lipstick over your child’s head again you and your dd will be leaving and do it. If you’re in your house leave her with her son.

diddl · 09/07/2018 17:49

Ooh-she can't bear not being top dog, can she?

I would be wary of ignoring-she'll just wipe her feet more firmly over the pair of you!

"In all seriousness though if you see her applying the stuff and heading for your child again put your hand out or walk away and warn her that if she smears lipstick over your child’s head again you and your dd will be leaving and do it."

I agree with that-she won't listen, so actions speak louder than words!

Original poster
MammaBell · 09/07/2018 17:51

Lol @thricethebrindledcat Grin that really made me laugh!!!

OP posts:
PorkFlute · 09/07/2018 17:53

Just read your update op. Seems like your dh and possibly dfil tolerate the mils behaviour and accept it’s just what she’s like. So they need to accept that what you are like is someone who isn’t going to tolerate her nonsense!

spudlet7 · 09/07/2018 17:54

I suspect you might be overreacting but lipstick marks gross me out (no idea why?) so I'm with you! Others are right - not reacting is probably your best bet. (I'd be gagging inwardly though Sad)

diddl · 09/07/2018 18:00

Why should Op put up with something she doesn't like?

Seasawride · 09/07/2018 18:10

Op sweetheart you will have problems with her unless you are firm now.

As I said I am a mil and this is creepy. Territorial and insidious.

As you said stay strong and he prepared to leave and have her slag you off!! Who cares??? Silly cow.

Get your dh in side though!

My mil was ace but my mums mil told her that ‘why did you need a c section when your hips are bigger then Joan’s ( her own dds)

Angry

Get your tiger mom hitched and take no prisoners love.

Seasawride · 09/07/2018 18:11

And I will watch my lippy am a bugger for it. Grin

spudlet7 · 09/07/2018 18:13

@diddl Oh I didn't mean she should put up and shut up indefinitely. I think her MIL is doing it all the more because she's getting a reaction. So if OP ignores, it might stop. Of course, if that doesn't work, a new strategy is required! Grin

peppapoops · 09/07/2018 18:18

YANBU!!! That would drive me mad!

Dc2 is due to arrive in a couple of weeks and I'm going to ask MIL and DM to refrain from dousing themselves in perfume before visiting.

It's not even like they just have a couple of sprays on. I've witnessed them putting it on before and it's so much!

It takes away that beautiful newborn smell. If I wanted to smell shitty overpowering floral crap, I'd wear some myself!!

SpandexTutu · 09/07/2018 18:45

These stupid pointless power plays really drive me nuts. Op - you need to put a stop to it or face years of similar games.

Lizzie48 · 09/07/2018 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 09/07/2018 19:06

Sorry, wrong thread! I'll ask for it to be removed! Grin

Seasawride · 09/07/2018 19:07

Lizzie

I think I missed something Grin

nokidshere · 09/07/2018 19:10

do honestly feel like she is doing it also because she knows it irritates me and she's winding me up. I hadn't bothered saying anything about it till yesterday as that time she deliberately put the lipstick on. I mean, it's fair enough if you already have lipstick on and you want to give baby a kiss, and like some PPs have said - when that happens, normal people would then wipe their lipstick off the child....that is totally fine! But to purposely want to put the lipstick on

Christ no wonder there are so many disfunctional families.

It's lipstick not poison, It's not the end of the world. She's winding you up because you let her. You need to take a deep breath, tell yourself you are not going to let her wind you up and ignore. Keep some baby wipes handy, each time she does it wipe it off without comment and change the subject. Just keep wiping it off without making any comment each time she does it. A bit of lipstick from a kiss does not make your daughter dirty or unpresentable. In the great scheme of things you are going to have a hard time keeping her clean as she grows whilst making her stressed about getting dirty if you insist.

We can not control what other people think, do or say. All we can do is look at our reaction to their behaviour. We have the ability to control our own feelings.

Alternatively you can stop pussyfooting around and say assertively "mil you are really pissing me off now by keep doing that, If you do it again then you are not welcome around your grandchild". And mean it.

Lizzie48 · 09/07/2018 19:49

I can't imagine getting so upset about lipstick, that's what baby wipes are for. Your MIL does sound pretty childish, though, having said that; probably best to not give this headspace, I think.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 09/07/2018 20:03

Op seriously you need to get some boundaries in place otherwise she’ll be doing this and worse til she pops her clogs. Seem too many threads about toxic mils that start with lipstick and end with... telling your DC to call her mummy or something.

Maelstrop · 09/07/2018 20:24

Lipstick is a red herring, tho, isn’t it? This is about mil controlling you and doing what she wants with YOUR child. Next time, babywipe at the ready, you front her out and say ‘I have asked you on multiple occasions not to do that. You will not be allowed to hold her if you do it again. Understand?’

Lizzie48 · 09/07/2018 21:12

I agree that this is the time to set boundaries in place with your MIL. You're the mum, so it should be your rules. Until you know she'll respect that, I wouldn't trust her to babysit at all.

Piffle11 · 09/07/2018 21:28

The fact that she is putting on her lipstick purposely to kiss your DD shows that she is basically letting you - and anyone else there - know that she will do whatever she likes with your DD. I had something similar with MIL's DH (not my DH's DF) - not with lipstick, obviously!! - he would repeatedly do a certain thing I didn't like: I would say 'can you not do that again, please' and his response (in a sort of sing-song voice) 'well you'll have to get used to it 'cos I'm not gonna stop'. After a few times of my trying to be firm and getting nowhere I said 'well then you won't be getting DS any more'.

Original poster
MammaBell · 09/07/2018 23:01

Hmmm @nokidshere ...dysfunctional family (particularly over lipstick) is not where I'm at thank you very much Smile. I think I'm allowed to be irritated by a family member before we end up on Jeremy Kyle lol.

Similar to you @Piffle11 my MIL isn't my DH's biological mother, she's step mum but practically raised him since he was a teen. Sadly DH's mother passed away before that. So my DH is my MIL's only child. And similar to your MIL's DH, she did the singy-songy voice too...just to be that extra bit irritating lol.

My Dad's been saying similar to other PPs about setting boundaries and that I should stop "pussy footing" around her ever since DH and I got married!

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 09/07/2018 23:13

I would get bright red lipstick and cover both your dh, your dd and fil in bright red lip marks! Once she sees that you are playing her at her own game, she will hopefully give up! Either that or get really pissed off at her property (fil and dh) being covered in your kisses!

CanaBanana · 09/07/2018 23:53

MIL is deliberately ignoring the boundaries you have set regarding your child. The fact that it's lipstick is irrelevant, it's the principle. You need to put your foot down and enforce your boundaries or she will continue to walk all over you, not just with this issue but with everything. Tell her if she does it again she won't be allowed access to your child as you can't trust her to respect your wishes. And mean it! Pick up your child and leave.

Seasawride · 09/07/2018 23:59

coolGirlsNeverGetAngry

Mmm mil pops her clogs??? Er I am 12 years older than one dil and 15 years older then the other!

Not every mil Is in her dotage Grin

You stay strong op! Your mil sounds a silly idiot

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