AIBU to disagree on being too old to be a mum

[thefinn]

I guess that's pretty much it. DH and I have been happily married for a decade now, were together for five years before marrying. We are happy as it is with our pets but I would love to be a mum. I get down however anytime if I mention this to family and friends however. They all feel we are too old, both having turned 34 this summer... it makes me sad but a part of me feels I am being U and maybe everyone has a point.So wwyd?

[Loopytiles]

Your family have odd attitudes and have been rude.

Wouldn’t wait any longer to ttc, because of the risk of fertility issues.

[MrsTeach]

I don't understand why people think that someone's fertility/lack of children/current position is something that they can comment on! How rude!

I'm 29 and constantly being asked why my husband and I haven't started trying for children yet (in my circle of friends and family most people had three children by the time the hit 25!)

Why is it unreasonable to either just not be ready yet or simply not want to!

It's no one else's business but your own, please try not to let them upset you.

[VanGoghsLeftEar]

Dh's aunt was born when his GM was 45. Auntie now in her late 50s, and is fine! She was a surprise baby, her eldest sister was born 20 years before! (A war did interrupt proceedings). Auntie is only 16 years older that DH, who was also a surprise baby to his mum!

[flumpybear]

Very few of my friends had kids in their 20's the vast majority were mid to late 30's including me (36 then 40) .... absolutely normal imo

[BounceAndClimb]

@tjzmummabear that used to be the correct medical term for 35 and over so it wouldn't have been a personal comment. They're meant to use the term 'advanced maternal age' now though so he must have been a bit behind on terminology.

[DarklyDreamingDexter]

Of course you're not too old!! Crack on with it! It's nobody else's business but yours and your partner's! I was 34 when I had my son. Not too old at all. Do you feel old at 34? No? Well, what's the problem? The days when mothers were considered 'old' in their 30s have long gone. It's normal now. Where have your family been to miss this?

[SilverPartyShoes]

My grandmother had a child at 47...ignore your family 😇🙂

[Oliversmumsarmy]

34 too old? That's nuts, its perfectly normal. 50 is too old

Don't tell friend. After years of IVF failiures they made the concious decision to give up.
Then they found she was pregnant. She was 50 when she gave birth.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

The demographic having children has changed hugely in the last 30 years.
More children are born to women in their 30s than women in their 20s now. I had my last at 39 and at least 1/4 of the other children in his class have older mothers( probably more) , everyone is coping fine.
Your family are out of date on this.
Go ahead.

[HardyforTom]

What a ridiculous thing to tell you. Ignore your "friends" and family and start trying to get pregnant if it's what you want. I'm 34 in a few weeks and currently pregnant with my second. 34 is not too old.

[SmellyNelly2018]

28 to say 37 is the norm for first time mums nowadays.
Your family are being old fashioned. I was 38 and 39 when I had my two.

[Cornishclio]

No 34 is not too old. Sorry about your miscarriages and hope those are being investigated for you.

Your mum may be caught up in how things were 30 or 40 years ago when she was having kids. I got told I was an elderly mum when I had my first DD at 26! I would tell her that lots of people have babies in their thirties and forties these days and if she cannot be supportive then she can shut up. Does she know about the miscarriages? If so, she is being very unkind.

[Booie09]

I was 38 when my daughter was born, she's 9 now and defiantly keeps me young! Mind you the reflection in the mirror tells a different story!! It's wierd though that my cousin is now a grandad and has a daughter of nearly 30 but he was very young when he became a dad!

[bellinisurge]

I'm 52. My mum had me at 36. I had my dd at 41.
Your family are on the wrong planet.

[Mrsmadevans]

OP have you told your mum about your multiple miscarriages ? I ask because if she knows then it is extremely cruel and insensitive of her to say that to you. I hope you are having investigations into why you miscarry your pregnancies , there are such a lot of treatment that can be trialled to help you carry your precious baby. The great news is that you are able to get pregnant . Good luck my dear

[Ghanagirl]

unhappyhusbandunhappyfather
63??

[Toofle]

Your family has very different beliefs about this from most people in the UK. When you do have your baby you'll find most of his or her friends have parents around your age.

[Ghanagirl]

chumbawumbawumba
Spiteful and untrue

[Fatted]

I had my DS1 six weeks before I turned 33 and DS2 the day before my 35th birthday. I don't think you're too old at all.

We purposely waited until we were in our 30s to have kids (DH is 2 years younger than me). We did have problems TTC with DS1 but I believe those were related to how long I'd been on the pill and cos we were quite relaxed about it all. Not because of my age. When we actually got serious about it, timing when we did the deed and actually did it a bit more, I caught within weeks. Same with DS2, I caught within the first month of trying. I did have problems with pre-eclampsia in both pregnancies which is meant to be worse with age and each pregnancy. So sometimes I think it would have been physically easier to have them in my twenties, but it can definitely still be done in your 30s!

[Troels]

34 IS still young, go for it, stop discussing it with anyone other than your Dh. My last one came along at 42.

[ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay]

34 is not too old. But, risk of health issues for baby and you are much higher than someone in say their 20s

Also, if you want to be a mother you need to get on it ASAP. You have no idea what your fertility is like. For arguments sake if in a years time if your still not pregnant you go to the gp and get referred to specialists and ultimately need help ie ivf they wait could be long. Maybe 3 years or more. You'd be 39 then. Chances of ivf working drop hugely as you age.

I'm thinking worst case scenario but don't disregard it. It took 5 years to have my first child. Started trying at 27, dc born when I was 32 after multiple ivf's.

[NonnoMum]

I think if you need reassurance to stand up to your (ridiculous) family and friends then you are too young to have a baby.

[diddl]

"OP have you told your mum about your multiple miscarriages ?"

I also wondered that, & agree that it's an awful thing for her to say if she knows.

Do people think that you have been trying for all/most of your marriage-so it's not that they think you are too old, but that it maybe wouldn't happen after so long?

I don't think that 34 is too old to have a baby.

I personally wouldn't have wanted to be much more than that though.

[SugarIsAmazing]

Well I'm 38 and have a grandson so I personally would consider 34 old to be starting a family, but loads of people have children in their mid thirties so it's not like it's unusual.

[CountFosco]

A significant number of women are too old to have a baby by 35.

No. A minority of couples struggle with fertility at any age. All the stats on fertility are based on infertile couples and are skewed because of that. Women of lower socioeconomic groups have children very young (teens or early 20s), educated women have children in their mid 30s to mid 40s. The fertility 'cliff' is 40 not 35 but that's based on the average of menopause being 50ish. If you have a later menopause (about half of all women) then you will be able to keep getting pregnant into your 40s (I have lots of friends who had children in their 40s) and in some rare cases into your 50s. There is an increase in abortions in women in their 40s because they've been told by the media that they won't be fertile after their late 30s.

OP, if you've had multiple miscarriages you should get medical help to try and identify the cause. Maybe your Mum is rather cackhandedly trying to help you let go of the dream of a baby if she's seen you struggle with the miscarriages. But that decision is for you and your DH to make in your own time.