You’re absolutely right. And of course there’s a difference between ostentatious display and thoughtful gesture!
Nothing wrong with big splendid actions - special meals, gorgeous gifts etc - but when they make the receiver feel truly loved they have to be thoughtful.
A friend’s husband bought her a very expensive necklace once. He was trying to get her something she liked and that was a bit showy but hadn’t bothered to remember what she usually wore by simply looking at her jewellery, so he got the wrong colour gold and the design was fucking hideous. I’ve never seen someone so gutted to get a “big” gift. Looked like he didn’t know her at all or given a toss what she liked. She’d have been much happier with a second hand book he knew she’d enjoy or some gaudy bracelets from accessorize.
The good shit is the thoughtful deeds and actions. Like when DH bought me a cheese knife because it’s an in joke and it’s beautiful! Loads of people wouldn’t have liked it.
It’s me making two different sauces for my step DC because it’s not much extra effort and they love having something that’s just for them (I’m a soft touch). Not necessary but demonstrates my love in a small every day way that they appreciate.
Often it’s about time, about talking, the choosing to be what and where the people you love need.
It’s a common theme on here. People don’t expect enough from the people or person who claims to love them.
OP: “He spends all my money, he yells at me, he’s always out, he never does anything for me”
MN: “he’s awful, you deserve more, LTB.”
OP: “but we love each other”.
Drives me mad.