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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being upset? (Step-parent problem!)

62 replies

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 08:22

This has alot of background to it but I will try and keep it simple. My partner and I have quite an age gap (15 years) and he has a daughter from a previous relationship which I knew about when I met him and I've always supported him with this and pushed him when he's needed it. Still without getting involved in their relationship. Her mother took her out of the country (to my partners home country) without telling him and now they are in some sort of messy court case where they are demanding he pay more money because he now has contact. Anyway, we have a son together and I don't really have a family who bothers so we decided to go for Christmas this year to see his parents, so myself and my son can meet his family etc. I have also never been abroad so I was sooo excited and even though I'm on maternity, I've been saving frantically really wanting to do this.
Yesterday his parents said they don't think we should come just in case his ex says how can he afford plane tickets but not more maintenance than he pays. (Not to mention this country has no benifits and again, when she left without telling him she didn't want AMYTHING until he was granted contact). The court have even asked for me to contribute. (Which my partner asked to keep me out of) AIBU to want to go anyway? Am I silly for getting so upset? I support my partner in every way possible with all of this even as far as me picking stuff up for his daughter I would think she likes etc etc. (Even though she doesn't know about me yet) I just feel like this case comes first with everything and why should myself and my son miss out just because it could cause problems with court. Then I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm just really upset and disappointed right now but at the same time I feel selfish for being upset!

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 07/07/2018 08:25

Wait, you've been with this guy long enough to have a son, but his daughter doesn't even know you exist?

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 08:27

He's only just been granted contact (skype) and he hasn't spoken to her in a long time but she will know about me just not yet. Don't worry we've had that talk too!

OP posts:

Thehop · 07/07/2018 08:29

Surely he just tells dd “Nanna and grandad have bought us plane tickets so we can see you”

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 07/07/2018 08:30

It doesn’t matter if he’s had contact or not. Children aren’t pay per view. So the ex ibu insisting he not pay maintenance. Now she’s changed her mind. Good. He should be paying, regardless.

funinthesun18 · 07/07/2018 08:31

Are you being asked to contribute towards maintenance? If so, fuck that!

Snappedandfarted2018 · 07/07/2018 08:31

What do you haven’t met his dd does she know she has a db? Surely his main focus should have been regaining access to his dd not having another child with someone else.

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 08:32

No he was willing to pay before he had contact! She went missing and he couldn't find them for years they just up and left. They went to court for my partner to try and have contact and she didn't want him too so didn't accept any maintenance offer. Now he's been granted it she wants more money than what we can afford and back dated. She didn't want it before he had contact but that's a different story.

OP posts:

BounceAndClimb · 07/07/2018 08:37

How long did he not pay for? He needs to work out how much he has not paid and then add an amount each month until it is repaid.
Then he can explain that to anyone saying he should be giving her more maintenance rather than spending on himself, and he will be able to honestly tell his DD that he made up for the time when he didn't support her financially when she's older if it comes out.

BounceAndClimb · 07/07/2018 08:39

Did he not think to put the money that should have gone towards her in a savings account until things were sorted rather than spending it?
If her mum refuses it again at any point he should be doing that so its going towards her at some point at least.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/07/2018 08:45

To be fair, the guy can't pay child support if his ex takes the child away, refuses to tell him where she is and refuses any payment. I don't think she should just get to change her mind, having denied him a meaningful relationship with his own child - those missing years can never be got back.
I think that denying him the right to even know where his child is, is criminal (barring abusive behaviour from him).

He should pay what the court considers to be fair. You should not be contributing - you have nothing to do with this. And he dhould most definitely be telling his dd about you. The holiday is the least of it really but yanbu to want to go and meet his parents etc.

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 08:45

Again- his ex left the country with his kid and he was looking for them for years. She stopped answering calls, left the house he knew they were etc I understand what you're saying by he should have been concentrating on that etc. But he was. He's older than me. I wanted a child so he agreed as he is getting older and tbh I've had my own problems so I didn't know I would fall pregnant so fast. He is paying maintenence. He has searched the world and found his kid and he took her to court when he found out where she was to ask to pay towards her and have contact. He's made so many offers but now there is contact she wants more, which we cant afford we are already paying a resonable amount but she wants it back dated etc etc. Its a long story but AIBU?

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/07/2018 08:47

She can't have it backdated unless a UK court says so. I don't fancy her chances. She should be prosecuted for child abduction.

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 08:51

And he will tell her he's only just been granted contact and is going at her pace as its alot for her to take in as her mother is feeding her lies. Its not he doesnt wnat to tell her he does. Hes just establishing a relationship with her, if she asks he will tell her. And if we go, he will tell her. He has papers to prove that he was looking for her and he has set up a savings account etc with money in but she still wants more for private school, holidays, she's made a list of things she wants him to pay for now he suddenly has contact.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 08:54

That's what I said. They court also said they can't implement him paying any amount they agree on because she's not in the UK but he wants to pay regardless. This has broken him. The court seem to be ignoring the fact she left, and the way she did things saying he had abandoned her even though he saw her 2 months prior the date we found out she had had left. Its taken him years to get to this point.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 08:58

Yes they actually said "can't your sons mum pay more towards the house hold so you can pay more maintenance?" We pay halves. I pay most, (even with being on maternity) so he can pay his maintenance it's in our monthly budget and so has the account been part of our spending.

OP posts:

BlueBug45 · 07/07/2018 08:59

This shouldn't really be in this section as there are lots of unanswered questions e.g. which jurisdiction is the court in, why where your earnings dragged into it, is the fact there is now another child considered by the court.

Also unfortunately you come along way third in all this. The daughter needs to know her father first and then her half-sibling second.

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 09:00

He's done this but her figure is rediculous. She's on low income as that country doesn't have benifits. The court just seem to be siding with her except the fact they've agreed that she's kept him away from his daughter and is telling her daughter lies. They know about all of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 09:02

I've never posted on here before sorry! I wasn't wondering about the court case etc. I was asking if I was being unreasonable for being upset and feeling selfish to want to go.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/07/2018 09:03

I feel really sorry for both him and his dd. At least he can prove to her that he was looking and that he did care. It's great that he is saving money for her - I would give that directly to dd when she is grown, not now when it will be taken by her mother.

In his shoes I would tell ex wife that she could have had more maintenence but the money was all spent on looking for dd, so she will be getting what a UK court feels is fair and not a penny more.
There's probably not much he can do about her taking the child unless he takes her to court in the country where she lives.
Most important thing is to build his relationship with his dd. Kids aren't stupid - the time will come when she wants to hear his side of things and she will make her own judgements about both her parents.

Jessbow · 07/07/2018 09:04

How old is the child that has been taken abroad?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 07/07/2018 09:05

So he didn't set any child support aside for the time he didn't have contact despite you saying he was happy to pay?. Children are not pay per view.

The he rushed into having another child in a new relationship and another on the way and his other child has barely seen him and no idea they have half siblings? Now he can't afford to support all three properly and it never entered his head to think it was a bad idea?

How many posts on MN do we see from RP complaint the NRP is going away yet not paying child support or doing the bare minimum and not taking the child away too. They are always slated for it.

I think his parents are correct, I'd be saying exactly the same. He has responsibilities and has avoided them until a court is forcing him to. A holiday is the last thing he should be planning.

I'm not sure you are getting the full story, most parents would have reported the child as missing to the police if they vanished with another parent or didn't come back from a holiday.

52FestiveRoad · 07/07/2018 09:06

So it is not being heard through the UK courts? In that case it is hard to know as the system may be different in another country. Most people on MN will only know the system in the uk courts.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/07/2018 09:09

It probably cost a fair bit to try and track the child down, esp if abroad. I don't think it's entirely fair to condemn him for having one other child with his new partner. He can and is paying cs - it's just that the exw, having refused maintenence has now changed her mind and wants more than is fair. She is the one treating the child as pay per view.
Although I would be asking him why he didn't contact the police. That's a fair question.
Wrt the holiday, the OP is paying for a lot of it and her money shouldn't be taken into the equation. Exw has a cheek expecting that.

catinboots9 · 07/07/2018 09:11

I'm not sure you are getting the full story, most parents would have reported the child as missing to the police if they vanished with another parent or didn't come back from a holiday.

^^This

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 09:12

He did all of this. Read above. Set up a savings account etc etc she wants MORE and the court haven't agreed to it yet, because it's too much she's asking for. I get it. We've always made this a priority. I get what you're saying though! Thanks for being honest! I guess I am being unreasonable and me and my family should come last to all of this even though I am paying for this holiday not him...

OP posts:

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