For being upset? (Step-parent problem!)

[Mummabea]

This has alot of background to it but I will try and keep it simple. My partner and I have quite an age gap (15 years) and he has a daughter from a previous relationship which I knew about when I met him and I've always supported him with this and pushed him when he's needed it. Still without getting involved in their relationship. Her mother took her out of the country (to my partners home country) without telling him and now they are in some sort of messy court case where they are demanding he pay more money because he now has contact. Anyway, we have a son together and I don't really have a family who bothers so we decided to go for Christmas this year to see his parents, so myself and my son can meet his family etc. I have also never been abroad so I was sooo excited and even though I'm on maternity, I've been saving frantically really wanting to do this.
Yesterday his parents said they don't think we should come just in case his ex says how can he afford plane tickets but not more maintenance than he pays. (Not to mention this country has no benifits and again, when she left without telling him she didn't want AMYTHING until he was granted contact). The court have even asked for me to contribute. (Which my partner asked to keep me out of) AIBU to want to go anyway? Am I silly for getting so upset? I support my partner in every way possible with all of this even as far as me picking stuff up for his daughter I would think she likes etc etc. (Even though she doesn't know about me yet) I just feel like this case comes first with everything and why should myself and my son miss out just because it could cause problems with court. Then I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm just really upset and disappointed right now but at the same time I feel selfish for being upset!

clears throat Not claiming to be any kind of voice for the site, being relatively new myself. But when newcomers post on here hoping for constructive views, and get ripped apart over issues that aren't even why they sought advice in the first place, as a 'welcome' you've gotta say it kind of sucks, especially when they end up feeling worse than before they posted. :(

OP I hope it all works out for you.

@newyearnewme

Yep, I’d be the same. I don’t judge stepparents at all - feel free to look at my posting history. I feel sorry for the stepparents who are doing a thankless job looking after dcs who are sometimes anything but grateful, while also dealing with exes. And then they’re judged by all and sundry. It’s a very, very tough gig. You couldn’t pay me enough to do it and I have sympathy and respect for anyone who commits to it. It can obviously be wonderful too and it’s fab when that happens.

Being a jaded old cynic due to witnessing a lot of divorces and remarriages irl though, I am always a bit wary of NRPs who say the RP who has their dcs is evil, won’t let me see my kids, which is why I don’t pay any maintenance etc etc. That’s why my first comment on here was a bit . The op has now said her dp isn’t one of these though and he’s been pretty saintly in all this, so we have to assume that’s correct.

But I was never judging the op. Just to be clear. Even if her dp turned out to be an epic bastard, that’s hardly her fault.

Should be a new paragraph between my comment to @newyear and the rest of that post, sorry.

What a mess. I agree with the posters who are saying your partner should go by himself first and try to re-establish some kind of contact with his daughter before introducing his new family.
I fear this is not going to be the nice family holiday abroad your are hoping for and that it could turn ugly. You need to protect yourself and your son from any possible fall out and being stuck in a foreign country.

Could your partner pay for his parents to visit you all at home?

Could you not have your own holiday? I mean a week in Spain or something? You dp & ds? (assuming you are in UK, and dp is not Spanish!)
I don't think you should miss out on a holiday you have saved for but maybe going to his home country is a bit close for the dsd at this point?

In terms of dsd maintenance. I think he should pay/put aside what cms says he should be contributing. He can say to the court he has used the UK system to decide what is affordable to him and that's that. He can then add to this by sending more/doing stuff with dsd when he gets that far if he can afford it. But no you should not be contributing. You say do - so not married so I doubt there would be any legal requirement in any court to connect you.

Your money is for you, your son and your DH. Your ILs don’t sound like they are super keen to see you, I think you are better off going on your own holiday, somewhere where you want to go.

And those saying he should go alone- we would be in the same situation. They could still ask how he can afford it... He is trying with his daughter and if we go he can do that. I don't have to be with him or even meet her. That's for them to decide. We could all go and he could still be with his daughter and me and my son can do other things. Like visit family and I have a couple of friends out there. This isn't just about a family holiday. I feel like alot on here are missing the point and not reading what I wrote.

You're not reading this properly 😂😂😂 I'm not insisting we tag along. It was a planned holiday.

And I am thinking about his daughter as I always do when we plan things. When I see things she might like. When I remind him it's time for contact.

He can actually spend time with her in person when he goes. The only barrier for him is the country. He was not abusive etc. Actually he is a special needs teacher- who has gone through very intense checks for his job. If we go he would time with her in person. Also one of the reasons we wanted to go. This does not have to involve me or my son.

I just feel like I have been reasonable and I have helped with all the agreements. I have sacrificed- which I knew I had to when I met him and he said he had a daughter. I have gone out of my way to make real effort for his daughter and for him to establish the relationship. It is very important to me to and is the forefront of all my decisions.

I just got upset because the one time I want something, everyone is quick to defend his ex and say that we can't because she MAY ask for yet more money.

Partner is neutral on this right now, which I understand.

I guess I'm new to all of this and I'm trying my hardest to be understanding and it seems like the step parent is always in the wrong. Like my family will always come last.

And for those who still haven't read my other responses.

This is not about the court case. I simply wanted a bit of reassurance or advice on how I'm feeling or what I would need to think about.
He has a solicitor etc etc and we don't need legal advice and I'm not asking for it.

Thankyou to everyone who actually read what I've wrote and didn't just assume because my partner is the dad that clearly he's to blame.

I'm sure if it was a guy who left the country without telling the mother and did this you would all be reacting different.

I’m so sorry you’re getting a hard time, OP. I think everyone has missed the actual question about whether YWBU to be upset about this.

YAdefNBU. Losing your own parents, and then having major obstacles put in the way of developing a relationship with in-laws IS tough.

The whole thing is unfair and you’ve got really unlucky to be pushed into this situation through no fault of your own.

The problem is that presumably most people involved aren’t really aware of or prioritising your feelings. Presumably that’s because either they aren’t aware of how much it matters to you, or your feelings come low down in the list for them.

I think it would be reasonable to talk to your DP about this, not to put more pressure on him, but just to make sure he u derstands that you have feelings too, which are not just simply about supporting him.

I don’t imagine it will change the outcome, but it might change your feelings and the dynamic around the situation.

Thankyou, This makes alot of sense. I will have a chat with him

Allfed not everyone! I said almost exactly what you did much earlier in the thread!

Yanbu. I don't think some posters have read your posts properly.
You sound like a lovely step mum.

It is also understandable that you want to put the needs of you and your son first. It is obviously important to you that you and your son meet his grandparents and the situation with his daughter should not prevent that.
You have says you have been on maternity. Not sure if your employer has a staff counsellor you could talk to, or if you could get any form of legal advice (if wanted,) through a union or home insurance.
Good luck.