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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being upset? (Step-parent problem!)

62 replies

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 08:22

This has alot of background to it but I will try and keep it simple. My partner and I have quite an age gap (15 years) and he has a daughter from a previous relationship which I knew about when I met him and I've always supported him with this and pushed him when he's needed it. Still without getting involved in their relationship. Her mother took her out of the country (to my partners home country) without telling him and now they are in some sort of messy court case where they are demanding he pay more money because he now has contact. Anyway, we have a son together and I don't really have a family who bothers so we decided to go for Christmas this year to see his parents, so myself and my son can meet his family etc. I have also never been abroad so I was sooo excited and even though I'm on maternity, I've been saving frantically really wanting to do this.
Yesterday his parents said they don't think we should come just in case his ex says how can he afford plane tickets but not more maintenance than he pays. (Not to mention this country has no benifits and again, when she left without telling him she didn't want AMYTHING until he was granted contact). The court have even asked for me to contribute. (Which my partner asked to keep me out of) AIBU to want to go anyway? Am I silly for getting so upset? I support my partner in every way possible with all of this even as far as me picking stuff up for his daughter I would think she likes etc etc. (Even though she doesn't know about me yet) I just feel like this case comes first with everything and why should myself and my son miss out just because it could cause problems with court. Then I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm just really upset and disappointed right now but at the same time I feel selfish for being upset!

OP posts:

Bibesia · 07/07/2018 09:13

In relation to the trip, the solution is either to say that your partner's parents are paying, or simply to go somewhere else.

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 09:16

He did and the police took their sweet time as he saw her and the mother cut off everything and left without anyone knowing. She knows the legal system and said she was taking a holiday. Again, this is not what I was asking. He did try everything. Maybe IABU. I'm just trying to keep everyone happy and this was the only thing I've looked forward to in a long time. Again I have no family and was in the foster system and don't have treats. I saved and was looking forward to this. But you all are right. I should be thinking of that first and not myself.

OP posts:

nmuser3 · 07/07/2018 09:20

NO you anbu and I’m amazed at some of the responses you’ve had. You OH has spent years trying to establish contact / maintenance arrangements. Right now he is sensitively navigating his DD emotional needs and trying to balance that with the life he was FULLY entitled to live during YEARS of not knowing what was going on. He’s a human being with all of the same needs as the rest of us, OF COURSE he can have a life... just like his ex has!
Are you a distant third in this? No!! Your DSD will obviously need time, trust and relationship building but any contact with your DS is with you involved too! This integration of two families is complex but you are not some unimportant, irrelevant person in it all... ultimately you want to be a loving, supportive step mum and I think it’s fab you are committed to that.
Aybu being hurt and upset that the unreasonable ex is dictating your life and familial relationships? Nope, once again you are human with a right to these things. Are you PIL bu with their suggestion to stay away for now? No, they are looking at the longer term implications and trying to save you from a financial pressure.
Should your OH have put contributions into an account? Yes, probably, but he hasn’t and has no doubt spent an awful lot on legal costs to gain contact.
This issue is that contact was withheld and that was unreasonable, if we assume OH was not abusive.
So no OP I think you anbu but you are in a difficult situation where you have to accept the best course of action right now and look towards a future where you will have the relationships you want sooner. It’s an awful and emotionally draining situation for you and I genuinely hope a workable maintenance agreement is established so you can focus on the slow process of building DSD into ALL of your lives, so she can see she is valued and loved by all the adults who have a parental role.
Best of luck OP .

Troels · 07/07/2018 09:25

YANBU, you are paying for a trip to see the inlaws and step d is in that country, no business of hers what you have, and no you should not be contributing to what the Ex wants.
He needs to man up and tell the Ex No. Just because you go to see the inlaws doesn't prove you have money to burn.
Maybe your Dh should see a solicitor in his home country while he's there, and get himself represented in these court hearings, god knows what rubbish she's spouting off in court.

StepBackNow · 07/07/2018 09:29

Best of luck, OP. Ignore those saying you should help pay, the child's mother and the courts have no business asking that. Bloody cheek.

Taylor22 · 07/07/2018 09:32

Wow man losses child through abduction and he's still to blame.

The golden vaginas are shiny this morning.

Flyme21 · 07/07/2018 09:37

YANBU Op, I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. I think go on the holiday while you have the chance. Your finances are yours the way you have things set up and you're paying. You never know what is around the corner, just go.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 07/07/2018 09:42

Wow man losses child through abduction and he's still to blame.

There was nothing about abduction in the op, (or I missed it?) so apologies for me initially thinking the op’s dp was feckless for not paying CM. Clearly he isn’t,

What I will say now is that a holiday is the absolute least of your worries op. Hope it gets sorted.

On a side note, I do have family, but my mum is dead and most of the rest are a flight away from where I currently live. Tbh, because my mum died shortly before I fell pregnant with dc1 in sudden, unexpected circumstances, I naively (entitled maybe?) thought my in-laws would rally round and step in to be supportive. Nothing could be further from the reality. They couldn’t give a shiny one about us. They favour their other dc and gcs on that side. Just a word of caution if you’re getting your hopes up about your in-laws.

Yokatsu · 07/07/2018 09:48

You need to be listening to legal advice not opinions on here, we don't Even know what country your dealing with!

Without knowing what country and the legal system there (and how it relates to what is enforceable in this country) the opinions on here are utterly meaningless.

E.g. taking your salary into account may be unreasonable in this country. However if child maintenance in that country is set higher, it maybe that realistically he simply can't afford maintenance and your joint housing costs. You may have to pay higher.

Only hypothetical of course, depends on the legal situation of the countries your dealing with.

But do be careful for yourself though. Older man slightly vulnerable younger woman, mad ex who ran with child. Do be careful. Sometimes it's not the ex wife whose nuts and tells lies....

JessieMcJessie · 07/07/2018 09:52

Goodness OP, you’ve had a lot of people going off on a tangent here and trying to delve into the detail of your DP’s child access matter when you only gave that for background.
As I see it, this boils down to the fact that you have a new baby and no family of your own, and it looks like a much-anticipated trip to your DP’s family is being threatened by the complex situation with his ex.
I too had no parents around (both died young of cancer) when my son was born. My relationship with my inlaws has been extremely important to me in feeling that my son and I have a place in a family structure, and I have very much enjoyed seeing the joy that they get from my son. I also feel that my MIL has been more able to see me as a daughter since her grandson was born (though this can sometimes spill into her telling me off like a teenager...!) I think that you are probably yearning for this sort of wider family context a bit. You’ll also be curious to see your DP in his family context. Have the inlaws had much contact (Skype etc) with your DS before now? Have they been to visit you? Hopefully they will be lovely people but do try to be a bit prepared for them not to be surrogate parents. There may be language issues perhaps?
Of course YANBU to be disappointed. My suggestion would be to speak to your DP and be very very honest about how much this means to you and urge him to find a solution. Could the parents come to visit you maybe?

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 07/07/2018 09:57

@jessie

That’s really lovely re your ILs. You are very fortunate in that respect,

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 07/07/2018 09:57

Why do my full stops keep coming out as bastard commas????,,,,,

JessieMcJessie · 07/07/2018 10:03

Thanks Rhubarb. I do definitely count my blessings there. Makes me sad as I think my DH would have got on like a house on fore with my own parents too.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 07/07/2018 10:09

Ah yeah, I feel the same about my mum and dcs. She’d have been besotted (I think).

DuchyDuke · 07/07/2018 10:20

Why are you insisting on going with DS. If you loved your DP surely you would let him go alone, meet his DD. You seem very selfish here.

BlueBug45 · 07/07/2018 10:24

@DuchyDuke the DS sounds like a baby so he can't very well be away from his mother for long periods.

BlueBug45 · 07/07/2018 10:26

Also there is nothing stopping the OP meeting her ILs but not meeting the daughter in that trip. You are aware you can go to places and not meet everyone aren't you?

JessieMcJessie · 07/07/2018 10:29

@BlueBug DuchyDuke was suggesting that the DP go alone leaving OP and baby behind I think.
@DuchyDuke the trip is planned a Christmas visit for OP and baby to meet his parents. She says that clearly in the OP.

DuchyDuke · 07/07/2018 10:47

I still think DP should go alone. OP needs to think about his dd and all she seems to be thinking of is ‘ooh family holiday’. Sometimes as adults we need to be less selfish.

bringincrazyback · 07/07/2018 10:52

...and in a new record for MN, it takes all of three minutes for someone to post a judgy response to a stepparenting dilemma.

The OP seems to be getting slated for her partner's perceived wrongdoings and for things that happened before she was in her partner's life. How is that constructive? We don't know the backstory here, there could be all sorts of factors in play here that we don't know about, but as usual it seems like as soon as a stepparenting question rears its head on AIBU, the mental blinkers go on and the gloves come off. The ex moves his child to another country without telling him and yet somehow he is at fault? Nice.

OP, there's clearly a lot going on here but based on what you've said, you don't sound like you're BU and I think you're getting an unfair pasting on here. IMHO you shouldn't be having to contribute to your SD's maintenance costs either.

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 11:01

He is actually read my responses

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 07/07/2018 11:03

O/T TBH OP, I wouldn't be taking any child abroad to a fathers home country. But I'm a dreadful cynic.

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 11:06

This is my first time posting on here and it has made me more upset. I did not ask for advice for my partner. I don't get involved with the court case I just give him the odd advice an negotiate with him when it comes to money. This is the first thing I have actually stood my ground with and said is unfair. I worked up until I was 9 months pregnant and saved and saved with a newborn with complications. I have worked damn hard to provide for my family and to save a little bit so I could get a holiday- which I've never been on. I just felt silly and selfish that I was getting upset over not being able to go on the off chance she could say that in court and it would go against him. I did not expect this response. Sorry, I just don't have any family or friends I can talk to and thought I could turn to here. Thankyou to everyone who offered thier support. We are discussing it iver the next week or so I will let you know what we decide xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummabea · 07/07/2018 11:26

Thankyou and thanks to everyone else offering nic3 comments. I did not ask for opinions on my partners court case xxx

OP posts:

Boulshired · 07/07/2018 11:34

This is so complex, that is is hard to actually give a response, different countries, different legal systems and maybe different cultures. In some countries a holiday/ visiting inlaws would be viewed as a normal occurrence whereas in other countries travelling would be seen as a show of great wealth and therefore more for maintenance. The same with money in the uk the wife’s / partner money is separate for maintenance is some countries a women’s wealth becomes automatically her husbands or family money.

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