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Original poster

First 'proper' date

75 replies

lottsco · 07/07/2018 00:28

Supposed to be going on a evening out tomorrow with a guy I've been seeing. We've had a tough couple of months, mainly due to him not treating me right.
We planned to go out, for him to treat me, and jut basically do something together away from all the crap and give things a go.

He's now messaged me saying can he go out for an hour with some guy who's left his job. They worked together for a year, never had a night out before, and he's gave him a gift and said goodbye on the guys last day of work.

Am I being unreasonable to feel really upset. The tough couple of months we had was regarding another woman he kept lying about so my self esteem is already pretty low.

He says I'm being silly because he still wants to go, just wants to pick me up at half 9 in the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 00:32

I should add he's known about this little drink get together for a few weeks. He said he wasn't going, made plans with me. I just feel second best and I don't know wether I should call it off and not go at all.

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KittyVonCatsworth · 07/07/2018 00:32

Fuck him. Not literally. But seriously, someone who’s not treated you right at the start of a relationship...why would you bother. He’s not putting any effort into you so why waste your time, energy and affection on him. You should work on your self esteem if you think this is all you deserve x

Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 00:35

Thing is he says he loves me. Messages me all the time, gets upset if I don't reply straight away. So in that sense he seems into me. And he says I'm crazy for not believing him.
But then this? Surely if you were trying to make something work you wouldn't plan to do something else, that messes up other plans.

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KittyVonCatsworth · 07/07/2018 00:43

He doesn’t love you. Or it’s a fucked up kind of love. It sounds to me like you’re a possession of his that he can pick up and put down when it suits him. That isn’t love my lovely, it’s a control thing.

You need to think why this is acceptable for you (not victim blaming here), but someone who’s treated you badly from day one...have you had similar relationships in the past? Why do you think you’re not deserving of someone who will treat you right xx

Sorry, probably not putting it right at all, wine head going on!

Merryoldgoat · 07/07/2018 00:44

Seriously, why are you still interested? He’s not considerate, it sounds like he gives you reason to mistrust you and doesn’t stick to arrangements.

He says he loves you - well, talk is cheap. Actions are what matter and nothing here is saying he loves you. He taking you for a mug my dear.

Merryoldgoat · 07/07/2018 00:45

Mistrust HIM

bumbleboots · 07/07/2018 00:46

That is not a kind or respectful kind of love. I would get out.

Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 00:49

I've never had s relationship like those before. I just don't know why he would try to tell me (to the point where he's cried when I've tried calling it off), that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I'm just so confused.
It makes it harder because we started off as really close friends, and I had no interest in him until about a year ago.
But now I do have feelings for him. I don't know whether I'm just being a bitch and should just say 'yes go for an hour or so and then come get me when your ready'.... but part of me is thinking I should be put first when he's asked to treat me. This doesn't feel like a treat Sad

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garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/07/2018 00:50

I have just joined mumsnet to tell you to run a mile

we've had a tough couple of months, mainly due to him not treating me right

don't need to know anything else. Unless he has been going through an incredibly tough time (parent has just died for example) and you've had loads of previous years of being treated perfectly then this alone should tell you what you need to know.

If this is a fairly new relationship as is implied then why on earth do you need a date to try and get over the shitty way he has been treating you. If you stay with him this will be the honeymoon period!

smackbangwhollop · 07/07/2018 00:52

I only read halfway through you initial post and though 'why the fuck would you want to date him'! Is that what you really think you deserve or do you think your're a pretty decent person and deserve better. I tell you what I'll answer for you. Leave it well alone. There are enough good fish in the sea that you don't have to catch a floater. You are not that desperate.

AjasLipstick · 07/07/2018 00:53

You've been with him for a while and never been on a date? Confused It's not a relationship OP....

Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 00:55

I don't know if I deserve better to be honest. I do love him. But I don't feel very loved even though he says it a hundred times a day.

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Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 00:58

No not properly. We were best friends before and have been out in our local town together.
But only had one proper 'date' in a nice place out of town, for a meal etc. It was for his birthday and when we were in the train station on the way home, I saw messages to a girl he said he didn't like and had no interest in. He clearly did. I felt so stupid Sad
I just left him in the train station and asked a friend to come pick me up, and I broke up with him. But he's been begging me for another chance. And he's been round to my house. But tomorrow was supposed to be the night we proper start putting everything behind us. And honestly I did want it to work out.
But now this.

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garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/07/2018 01:01

But I don't feel very loved

Whether he loves you or not is irrelevant. Maybe he does probably not as much as he loves himself but if he doesn't make you feel loved he is not treating you right. If he is making you feel like this now imagine how he would make you feel after 5/10/20 years when you have both put on weight and got all saggy and wrinky and have less sex because of the kids and exhaustion.

Trust me I don't know you but I strongly suspect you are worth more than this.

Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 01:06

All this has made me feel disgusting anway and it's only a few months in. I used to be so confident but I barley feel like going out anymore. I'm not blaming it on him, but him messaging another woman hasn't helped.

Going out with him tomorrow was a big deal for me as I've been feeling so anxious. But I genuinely wanted to go with him. But I didn't want to go after he's been to see off a work mate that he's already said his goodbyes too.

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PintOfMineralWater · 07/07/2018 01:08

"Thing is he says he loves me. Messages me all the time, gets upset if I don't reply straight away. So in that sense he seems into me. And he says I'm crazy for not believing him."

Anyone can SAY "I love you", and sending messages is easy. But he's not stepping up. And he's keeping you in line with the "you crazy" thing, training you to not kick up a "fuss" when he's acting like a shit.

It's only going to get worse, believe me. If this is the honeymoon phase, what'll it look like a year or so down the line?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/07/2018 01:12

So far he has made you feel disgusting and ruined your self confidence. It won't be easy but please please walk away.

He doesn't love you and even if he did that doesn't give him license to treat you like shit. You will meet someone who loves you and treats you well but not of you are tied up in a relationship with this bastard.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/07/2018 01:13

Messages me all the time, gets upset if I don't reply

that's emotional abuse and manipulation-not love

Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 01:14

Why does he get so upset when I say we need to end it? That's what makes it so hard to walk away. When I love him, and he's sat there crying saying no we shouldn't end it, he can't lose me, he doesn't know what he will do etc. Why do they do that?

OP posts:
Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 01:17

Thanks for all your advice anyway. It's nice to know that I'm not being unreasonable to feel this way, and that others would feel the same x

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garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/07/2018 01:21

Why do they do that?

To manipulate you. If someone loves you they treat you well because the idea of you being hurt or badly treated is abhorrent to them. Obviously over time they might make a mistake but in the first year of a relationship there's no way you should be accepting that. Don't set such low standards for yourself.

holidayplanner · 07/07/2018 01:37

Do not put up with this. You will kick your younger self if you put up with this. Every day you waste on him is a day taken away from a happier you.

Toodamnhot · 07/07/2018 01:48

Don’t even give him a chance. You know that if he says 9.30 it will be way later than that and you will be sitting on your own all dressed up feeling stupid. Where is his loyalty?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 07/07/2018 01:52

He sounds like a prick, and that he’s just nice enough to keep you on the hook.

Dump him, get your self esteem back and date someone else who is actually nice to you Flowers

Original poster
lottsco · 07/07/2018 02:01

It's the feeling stupid that's the worst.

Preparing stuff so I can do things with him and I try not to get too excited. but then tonight I've dyed my hair, bought new earrings.... and then it's like oh it doesn't mean that much to him. It's just so embarrassing.

This happened with a concert we were supposed to be going to too. It was awkward for me to go. And I kept telling him to take a friend. But he kept asking me to go. So I said ok and we arranged everything. Bought new hair extensions, new clothes and put money aside for it.
And then when I mentioned it to him he looked sheepish, and said he'd actually invited a friend. It makes more sense for him to go with the friend. But it still hurt. He then made it out that he asked the friend as it was awkward for me.
Yes it was awkward but as he kept asking id arranged it for him. I don't know why he's doing it.
Unless he's really stupid or it's a game.

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