To just want a job rather than a career

[Pansy0926]

I got and good grades in school and a 2.1 honours degree, so far following what I felt family and my teachers expected of me. Four years later I work in a supermarket deli counter and I try to hide whenever I see one of my old teachers in the store. After years of expectations ( mostly my own) I feel let down by the way my career progression stuttered to a halt as soon as it came to finding a ‘real’ job. And yet...I feel content in the situation I am in.

I didn’t really choose a particularly useful course to get a degree in, I followed my heart. The career I was aiming for turned out to be so competitive to get into that I did a few days as a volunteer (which was uninspiring because I wasn’t given any relevant work to do) and then looked at the struggle ahead of me and decided I enjoyed my supermarket job well enough thank you and decided not to try any further. You might say I had a lack of will power but honestly my interests lie with my husband and two kids, and quite apart from the long hours and stress the career would have brought me, the challenge to get myself to an employable state for the position I wanted was very expensive, and would take years, and also very stressful. I didn’t currently have the time or money for any more further education , which I would need.

Anyway, three years on I am still at the supermarket. I get on well with the other staff and enjoy my job, though I wouldnt say I love it, and when I work hard I can earn a decent amount. I have a constant feeling of worry that I havent got a real career, that I am wasting myself in my current position...and so on. However, I have a nice home and two lovely kids and a husband. My home and social life are great. I am happy. So I can’t help wondering if I achieved those goals so early - too early - and that’s why the career thing is stressing me out so much. Most of my friends are childless and aspire to what I have, but as I already have it, I suppose I’m directionless.

As I’m a little bit older now I’m starting to understand that maybe I’m happy being mediocre. Maybe I can relax and enjoy my kids and my life, and stop stressing about whether I should enrol in this or that course, and wondering where I would get the money to do so. I’d like to focus on a hobby instead, and direct my focus on working on my marriage. For me, these things are always pushed aside and I end up frantically researching careers and courses on my iPad when I could be taking up yoga or going for a run, or watching a movie with DH.

I have constantly felt like I need to be studying towards some career or other, but I can never decide which one. I always get put off by various things - I don’t like managing other people, I don’t like too much responsibility, I don’t want to be stressed outside my work hours or have to move to another town...

Is it wrong that I, a bright, high achieving kid when I was at school, want to consider just sticking to a min wage type job instead of aspiring to a career? Has anyone else made this decision and how has it been for you?

You’re happy, contented and enjoy your time with your loved ones without any stresses. Don’t beat yourself up about what you think you “should “ be doing

No, of course it's not wrong. I don't think you are as happy with your lot as you'd like to be though, so it might be worth being very honest with yourself about what you'd really like to achieve, even if that's not easy or conventional.

I immediately thought of the John Lennon quote after reading your post op..."When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."
You sound content in life you like the job you do and it’s provides you what you want and need. My only concern would be that you obviously feel the need to be embarrassed of your job which is a shame.

You don't have to have a career.

No life is for living!

I moved jobs after my first was born from an accountancy firm with a very clear career progression to an estate agents to look after their accounts - not much career progression to be had in that role but I love it. It's closer to home, it's part time, I go to work, come home and switch off, no stress about anything.

Suits me, suits my family, suits my mental health. I have a mortgage a car on finance and can go on holiday.

Life is for enjoyment and if you're happy doing what you're doing your already better off (emotionally) than someone killing themselves for career progression.

I think it's absolutely fine to just be content with what you have and not spend your life chasing more.

I teach but don't have a career; I don't want to move up any pay grades so won't do LMT or push myself. I just love my job as it is. I used feel guilty when posts come up that I knew I ought to apply for but as time has gone by have learned to just be content with what I have. My boat doesn't like being rocked, so I don't rock it.

DH is a 'more' chaser; in his business he prides himself on making more money each year than the previous one. I watch him constantly trying to prove himself (though he's only ever interested in competing with himself) and think 'nope, nope, nope' because he puts in a level of dedication, time and energy you'd never get from me.

You don't have to have a career if your job covers your half of the bills and would allow you to live independently should you need too. If it did neither of those things, I would be aiming higher. I

Would you be happy with your children doing the same job? Always a good test.

I do think it's a waste of a degree though, even more so if you took student loans to pay for it that you will never repay.

There's more to life than work! At various points in my life I've aimed and trained for 'careers' but I've also had 'just jobs' and honestly I was happier when I was in 'just jobs' - go in, do the work, no stress outside work ABOUT work, but still getting paid enough to cover bills and the odd luxury. Able to enjoy social life and relationships without having to work overtime if I didn't want to and do cpd.

There's pros and cons to both and not everyone is suited to being 'career driven'. Happiness/good mental health is underrated.

But I agree with pps - own your happiness, chances are at least a few of these people you think would judge/you would be embarrassed to tell them what you do - would actually envy you!

At one point I ended up in a role that would have been great 'career' wise - high pay, high stress and awful bullying bitchy colleagues. I quit - it was making me ill. I stressed about the decision but then in one conversation with then husband he said 'look just quit! We don't NEED the money and NO amount of pay is worth all this misery' he was right (one of the few times he was and few times he was supportive).

Is it just you putting pressure on yourself to have a 'proper career' or is anyone else putting the pressure on?

Also - have you considered maybe where you work is where you can get the career suited to you? I only say IF you wanted to do this, most supermarkets have good career pathways and opportunity for advancement. Even 'just' staying on deli side of things you can IF you wanted become a real expert in this area - maybe open your own small deli when kids are older?

But if you're also happy carrying on as you are that's absolutely acceptable. Having the energy to pour into family, life outside work is something many people would love to do. Lots of people feel trapped in their high paying careers because their mortgage etc is dependent on the pay, their spouses would be unhappy with them downsizing etc. Not everyone in a career is happy.

I think it’s fine not to have a career. I have a decent enough public sector admin job. I’ve never really wanted promotion, I’m happy at a non executive level.

I'm in a similar situation, good education, good degree and feel like I should have done more & made myself a career. Last 5yrs I was doing the same role, part time, easy & well paid but not exactly fulfilling.
An opportunity came up which potentially could lead to promotion, lots of new opportunities, proper career. It was initially for a year and I started in January - now I understand why I didn't have a career before!
Like you I don't want tons of responsibility, I don't like the thought of managing others. I'm a worrier and I've found with the new job I'm thinking about it a lot at home whereas before I never thought about work if I wasn't there.
A colleague who did the same transfer is now looking at promotion and I'm really happy for him but I'm just not interested.
I'm really glad I had the chance to try it out because it's shown me not to have regrets. I'm happier having time for kids and DH and doing my horses.

You need to ask yourself if deep down you do think working on the deli counter is what will make you happiest long term. Are you sure you are not disheartened by initial setbacks and are doing what is comfortable but not necessarily most fulfilling?

I felt like giving up after a few setbacks at the start of my career but I'm glad I didn't now.

You obviously have conflicting feelings or you wouldn't be asking so you need to work out how you really feel. Why do you worry that you haven't got a career? Why do you feel you are wasting yourself?

Personally, I need that direction that work gives me. I need to feel like I am moving forward in life and achieving things. It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. But of course non-work interests can give you that, it is all individual.

I'm doing a basic job now and I couldn't be happier.

I did the career thing and earned a lot of money plus Mercedes and perks etc but I was exhausted and got little time with DC.

People have different priorities. If you're happy I wouldn't let it bother you.

Meant to say I too have a degree and MBA but happier having my time to myself in the evenings.

I will become a SAHM at the end of the year. My family is far, far more important to me than work. I always say that if you leave a job you'll be replaced in days. To your loved ones you are irreplaceable. I understand this isn't for everyone and I respect everyone's choices. I hope people will understand mine.

Oh my goodness, your post OP could be me. I have finally in my 40s, have ‘the career’, good salary etc, but there’s not a day goes by where I don’t long for my days as a barista. The stress is just not worth it. I enjoyed my work, chatting to my team and the public. Leaving work on time and not worrying all night long about legal stuff and emails. Honestly, it’s not about mediocrity, it’s about finding happiness and when you are older, sure you’ll have regrets (most people do), but you’ll never regret the happy times and the not worrying and the time spent with family and friends. Good for you. I am envious. ❤️

Your post comes across as quite defensive. Like deep down you do want a career but you’re trying to talk yourself out of it? Would some life coaching/career guidance help you talk it through with someone impartial?

Haven't read all replies but I am the same as you OP. High achiever, all A and A* at school, encouraged to apply for oxbridge, dropped out of uni before finishing 2nd year. The expectation was just ridiculous and I burned out. I now have two kids, a lovely DP, a house, about to get a car, and have a lovely part time in catering management. No regrets, I was bloody miserable at uni! Think the idea that work has to be fulfilling, your 'calling' is a joke - what is more fulfilling for me is family life, time spent well with my kids and DP and watching them grow. Might change my mind in a few years , but then they'll be at school and I could go back to studying

There was once a businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Brazilian village.
As he sat, he saw a Brazilian fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore having caught quite few big fish.
The businessman was impressed and asked the fisherman, “How long does it take you to catch so many fish?”
The fisherman replied, “Oh, just a short while.”
“Then why don’t you stay longer at sea and catch even more?” The businessman was astonished.
“This is enough to feed my whole family,” the fisherman said.
The businessman then asked, “So, what do you do for the rest of the day?”
The fisherman replied, “Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fish, then go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I take a nap with my wife, and evening comes, I join my buddies in the village for a drink — we play guitar, sing and dance throughout the night.”
The businessman offered a suggestion to the fisherman.
“I am a PhD in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you should spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fish as possible. When you have saved enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fish. Soon you will be able to afford to buy more boats, set up your own company, your own production plant for canned food and distribution network. By then, you will have moved out of this village and to Sao Paulo, where you can set up HQ to manage your other branches.”
The fisherman continues, “And after that?”
The businessman laughs heartily, “After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, and you will be rich.”
The fisherman asks, “And after that?”
The businessman says, “After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning, catch a few fish, then return home to play with kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night...”

Thank you. You have made me think about a few things.

I think I’m worried I’m ‘wasting’ myself on the deli job more because I worry about what other people think too much. But on the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying life now and if I feel differently in the future, working towards a career then.

I honestly think school and parents push kids to get good grades and go to higher education when they don’t necessarily need to. My own parents never got a degree, so they didn’t really understand what they were encouraging me towards, but even if they had, the job market has changed and a degree no longer = a job. I went to uni because it was the thing to do, not because I had a clue about what career I was after. If I could go back I’d leave school at 16 and possibly get an apprenticeship.

Your responses have been really encouraging. I don’t plan on doing this job forever of course but for now I’m going to stop stressing about it and enjoy what I have

Sorry but I think you are kidding yourself.

I prefer to see my children so I work part time in a "job". I too have a degree but the children come first.

I see your point and I agree wrt degrees are largely mis-sold, I too went to uni because there wasn't much else of an alternative but the idea that if you feel differently in the future you can just set sail on a career and all that brings - especially now that you are married with children is rather fanciful.

As you've kind of acknowledged, you didn't have what it takes to have the career you initially thought you wanted. That kind of success is not just down to intelligence and good grades. Determination, resilience and most of all the utmost desire to do it are arguably even more important. When it came down to it, you really weren't that bothered so there's no point thinking about what you 'should' have done or being doing on that score, because as your title makes clear - you actually don't want it.

You haven't been doing the supermarket thing that long and although you say you've got older, I'm guessing you're still relatively young, so there may well be time for you to outgrow your current comfort zone and discover something else that stimulates and stretches you more. That may well be entirely unrelated to your initial degree/career. It may be vocational or it may be another kind of 'just a job', who knows. Chances are you will know it when you find it, so no need to stress about it or keep searching around now if indeed you are reasonably content.

I work in a library part-time. I love it, and never miss the high flying career days I left behind when the DCs were little. Now that I'm 50+ and DCs are grown up, finished Uni and working - I'm enjoying having time for my hobbies and leisure. & I love books so working in the library suits me very well. There is career progression available but I don't want it, I'm happy as I am.

It's fine to want a career but equally fine if you don't.

At this age and stage in life I now know it could never have been a high flying career that would make me feel contented. Different strokes for different folks as they say

Do you think it's possible that you might have anxiety? I do and my working life improved by 100% when I started on medication. (Unfortunately I've had to come off it now as we're TTC.)

The fact you wrote this suggests that you're perhaps not quite as happy as you claim and I think it may be worth exploring the reasons behind it all. (Of course you may just be tired of other people telling you that you're wasting your talents.)