To just want a job rather than a career

[Pansy0926]

I got and good grades in school and a 2.1 honours degree, so far following what I felt family and my teachers expected of me. Four years later I work in a supermarket deli counter and I try to hide whenever I see one of my old teachers in the store. After years of expectations ( mostly my own) I feel let down by the way my career progression stuttered to a halt as soon as it came to finding a ‘real’ job. And yet...I feel content in the situation I am in.

I didn’t really choose a particularly useful course to get a degree in, I followed my heart. The career I was aiming for turned out to be so competitive to get into that I did a few days as a volunteer (which was uninspiring because I wasn’t given any relevant work to do) and then looked at the struggle ahead of me and decided I enjoyed my supermarket job well enough thank you and decided not to try any further. You might say I had a lack of will power but honestly my interests lie with my husband and two kids, and quite apart from the long hours and stress the career would have brought me, the challenge to get myself to an employable state for the position I wanted was very expensive, and would take years, and also very stressful. I didn’t currently have the time or money for any more further education , which I would need.

Anyway, three years on I am still at the supermarket. I get on well with the other staff and enjoy my job, though I wouldnt say I love it, and when I work hard I can earn a decent amount. I have a constant feeling of worry that I havent got a real career, that I am wasting myself in my current position...and so on. However, I have a nice home and two lovely kids and a husband. My home and social life are great. I am happy. So I can’t help wondering if I achieved those goals so early - too early - and that’s why the career thing is stressing me out so much. Most of my friends are childless and aspire to what I have, but as I already have it, I suppose I’m directionless.

As I’m a little bit older now I’m starting to understand that maybe I’m happy being mediocre. Maybe I can relax and enjoy my kids and my life, and stop stressing about whether I should enrol in this or that course, and wondering where I would get the money to do so. I’d like to focus on a hobby instead, and direct my focus on working on my marriage. For me, these things are always pushed aside and I end up frantically researching careers and courses on my iPad when I could be taking up yoga or going for a run, or watching a movie with DH.

I have constantly felt like I need to be studying towards some career or other, but I can never decide which one. I always get put off by various things - I don’t like managing other people, I don’t like too much responsibility, I don’t want to be stressed outside my work hours or have to move to another town...

Is it wrong that I, a bright, high achieving kid when I was at school, want to consider just sticking to a min wage type job instead of aspiring to a career? Has anyone else made this decision and how has it been for you?

This is interesting because I'm in the same situation - was "destined" to be a doctor/lawyer/engineer after school according to everyone because I was Head Girl with 10 A*s and 4 As. I did a random humanities degree and dropped out halfway through to work in a restaurant. I hated working hard and never had to through school so had no interest in lectures or anything. I'm a manager now and mostly enjoy my job but do find it a bit uncomfortable when I see people I was in school with. My close friends are all doctors or researchers who live in the USA, Australia, Spain etc. and I sometimes feel jealous of their lifestyles.

At 27 I'm now married with two children and about to buy a house. I sometimes wonder if I've made the right choices but appreciate I'm still fairly young as my children will both be in school in 3 years. I may look into different options then. But you're certainly not alone.

"but the idea that if you feel differently in the future you can just set sail on a career and all that brings - especially now that you are married with children is rather fanciful." Why do you think that? I know plenty of people who've trained/retrained for 'careers' after their children are grown and they're older.

My mum was 47 when my dad retired, he'd been in army so she was trailing him and didn't see the point before then of trying to manage a career while also managing a home and 3 children and with him away on deployment months at a time with little notice.

She got a job at a supermarket - initially just to have something to do and a bit extra money still coming in. She'd done supermarket work many times before, but stuck to entry level positions. This time her boss noticed how good she was at handling irate customers (a breeze for her compared to my extremely abusive dad). So he offered her to move to customer services from the tills. By the time she retired 20+ years later she was a manager.

When I was at uni last I was a mature student myself - plan had been to retrain, car accident kiboshed that! There were about half the cohort mature students, using that degree to retrain into a new or first career. Those students were aged up to late 50's and have gone into lucrative roles. Their experience in other jobs/life has also been beneficial.

With pension ages rising someone in their late 40's could easily still have 30 years working life ahead of them.

Geez what a load of negative nellies! Yes play safe on finances but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to have a high stress, long hours career.

@Limpopobongo spousal maintenance is being phased out in England and Wales especially for younger women, and limited in Scotland. So if you get married in your 20s and are divorced before you are 40, then you are expected to do a clean break then get a job to support yourself particularly as the state pension age is going up to 68. Also if you have a self-employed husband it is very easy for him to decrease or hide what he earns.

Etino my degree was in classics. Essentially history. I had hoped to work in archiving as being a teacher didn’t appeal to me, museum curator involved too much public speaking. Getting any kind of job in a library is very difficult, I tried for quite a while and it’s surprisingly competitive. Those were the things most directly connected to my degree subject, though there were obviously more loosely related things

Hi BlueBug, good points. I was just using my current situation as an illustration.

My paternal grandmother lost her husband in her 50s. She hadn't worked outside the home since she'd been married. Luckily for her, she had been a teacher and things being different back in the sixties, was able to slot back into the profession after looking for and finding a job. But dear God, it must have been so hard. She had to get up at 6 every day and travel on a bus from their little house in a fairly remote valley into the nearest city and then back again at night. This with three teenagers at home.

And I imagine she would have been a lot better off than many of her contemporaries, being qualified to do something. If she hadn't got that qualification I don't know what she would have done.

You need to do what makes you happy, and as long as you earn enough money and a decen work/life balance, does it really matter what you're doing? People place too much importance on job titles, it's only a very very very small part of our identity.

There are days I wish I had a job where I could just do my set hours, go home and forget about the work. But in my job I can't do that, long hours are expected and it's 24/7.

What about one of the many jobs that just require any degree to be considered?

If your family works financially then it sounds fine to me, you guys must be amazing at budgeting to be able to support a family of four on one supermarket wage! I’d love to know your secret, that’s amazing!

Re the curator work, did you ever consider trying to get over your fear of public speaking so you’re not limited in your options? Toastmasters is great for that. Lots of jobs require at least a bit of public speaking!

I’ve just chosen to change from a management level job to a non-management level job. I really want to write (whether as a hobby or to publish, but ultimately it’s for my own satisfaction definitely not to chase a career as a writer!!) and the job I was working sapped all the life out of me. I thought about it when I was on mat leave and thought about the extra hours I put in, the energy, mental and physical, the responsibility, putting up with an extremely strange and quite nasty man as my boss, and thought, fuck it. I’d rather go back to my old department and be happy, and have the mental energy (and extra time! Slim to no unpaid overtime in this role!) to write when I get home. I’m giving up the career possibility but I think I’ll be ultimately happier.

The main thing is, you need to get over the embarrassment. I need to work on that too, I was so embarrassed about telling people. But it really isn’t anything to be ashamed of.

Challenges, fulfilment etc don't HAVE to come from work.

"But surely women can fleece their husbands through the courts on divorce...?" HA! Yea ok then 😂😂

Limpopobongo

Is it a big brand supermarket?
Yes

Have you considered moving up the chain within your organization?
Yes, but it’s very focussed on being a ‘people’ person, which I am not. If Also, I’d I’m going for a career change I’d much rather be anything else than a supermarket manager, they are a miserable bunch.

To me the important things are can you enjoy/tolerate/manage your job?
Yes

Does it make you enough money?
Yes

Hopefully it will last OP. I suppose I’m more cautious in life.

Whilst I’m in a stressful profession, I live an amazing life with a wonderful family. BUT, should someone ever choose to pull the rug from beneath my feet (like the men you read about on these threads, affairs appearing from nowhere) then I’m self sufficient. That’s what I like. I also feel great satisfaction for not only meeting my family’s needs, but making a significant contribution to society. I figure I’ve got the brain, so why not use it.

We’re lucky to live in a country where we can have these choices about what we do in life.

I'm not suggesting that it is that black and white. Circumstances and especially money permitting, retraining in later life is all the rage.

It's primarily about managing expectations. The sort of career I worked in in my 20s and 30s required me to be available to go to client meetings at short notice at various European offices. At times I was chained to my desk and in order to progress I was in the office first thing in the morning and didn't leave till very late. I'd spend a lot of time networking, going to conferences and generally trying to get as far ahead as possible. Could I have done this with a couple of kids to think about? No. Some women can, some men can... men happen to have wives at home that can keep that area of their lives ticking over - a woman primarily caring for her children could not; short of having a very expensive workforce.

I suppose it also depends on what you consider a career. I have a friend that works 9-5 at a local high st solicitor's office. She and my other lawyer friend both attended the same law school but second lawyer friend is working in global mergers/acquisitions - if she started work at 9 and left at 5 she'd be shown the door before the end of the week.

Of course it varies depending on people's individual circumstances.

Yanbu.Those who are clever enough are encouraged to push further and aim higher and what that usually means, in reality, is ending up in a high stress and long hours job. It's not for everyone. It's not for me.

I'm happy being mediocre as well OP. Good education, excellent grades, STEM degree.... I currently work as a teaching assistant. I am forever asked when will i train to teach but tbh, I don't want to. I love my job, I go in at 8.30, work with the students, do some admin, walk at at 3.30. No stress. Why change? I don't want money, I don't want glory,

Its ok to be content with what you have. Happiness is far far more important then a fancy career title or £s in the bank.

Archivist is perfectly achievable but you have to put a lot of work in to get the "breaks" you need. It also requires a lot of public speaking though.

I have a career, but I could be so much better at it if I tried, because I am actually quite good at it, but it doesn't interest me anymore. But I think I burnt out in my early 30s. I have never been ambitious, I have always wanted a 'good enough' job to pay the bills and give me enough for a treat within the month. Once upon a time I was a graduate trainee for a large supermarket, and honestly it was hard graft, I hardly slept, ate badly and was full of anxiety.

Sometimes, I long for a 'drop everything job at the end of shift', but realistically I would never drop everything because of the type of person I am, even when I worked in factories/bars as a student, I could never leave work behind, I would always worry about it.

I am about to adopt two children, and I am really looking forward to being a SAHP. I will do some re-training during. I think that I have spent too much time making a career, that doesn't actually make me happy, the wage does, but then again, I don't actually need that much!

What makes me happy and fulfilled is really making a difference to other people (my job is B2B, so no altruistic feeling emanating from that). I love making those closest to me feel good and know that I love them, building up their self esteem and letting them know that I want to spend time with them. But that's really easy for me to say because my husband has a great job, so I have choices, and I don't forget how lucky I am (he's bloody lucky too).

Have you tried paraprofessional? Archive or Library assistant? Information Management assistant?

Yes still competitive but there's a reason.

Obviously I still stand by the opinion if you're happy then crack on! It's just this is my area of work.

I think it sounds like you have an OK job for right now, it's unconventional but you know it's right for lots of reasons. Things will change over time and I bet something more 'right' will come up.

I have just a job. It's great. I love it.
5 mins walk from home, very flexible if I need to nip to the dentist, doctors or a school assembly (as in I phone my boss and say 'got to go to the doctors I'll phone you when I get back').
It quite a big place, always something to do.
If DH left I could just about manage on my wage, before any benefits I would be entitled to.

You know, I’d forgotten this but what mainly halted my interest in librarian/archiving/information management was the lack of opportunity in my area and hence an even greater level of competition when it came to those roles. I love the town we are settled in, and our home here, and I’d have to be prepared to leave here to get those jobs, there is one big city near us but most of the jobs are further away, though there are some here.

I have seriously been looking into teaching. Thing is, my mum works as a classroom assistant and comes home stressed and upset about all the child abuse cases, awful parents, and kids who aren’t given food at home . She always has these heart rending stories about staff breaking rules to slip kids extra food and she cries at the start of the summer holidays because she know the kids are starving. She works in a deprived area but all schools are going to have the same problems to some degree. I couldn’t handle that.

You sound like you’ve got a great life, but a shit job. I think it’s obvious from your post you’re dissatisfied with it.

I think it’s sad if the 50% of your waking hours you spend at work don’t involve something interesting & that you’re proud of.

I think you know that too, that’s why you are posting. Being older than you, in my 40s, I know people who’ve followed a similar path and while it’s not terrible, none of them seem wholeheartedly happy about it.

You're quite defeatist, I commuted for 1.5 hours to get to a job. Moved. There is always a way to make it happen. Your heart isn't in it, when you want something you find a way. I get the feeling you are waiting for something to happen. There is nothing wrong in a "job", but there is when you're not happy, you don't sound satisfied. You're in such a fortunate position to have a husband who stays home, you could do anything if you put your mind to it.