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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is punishing me or i am punishing him

65 replies

notthisagain83 · 05/07/2018 17:41

I love my DP and i know he loves me BUT we just can’t seem to sort an age old argument out that has some up yet again...

He spent 16 years with someone who never touched him and who used lack of affection as punishment and he thinks I’m doing the same I’m sick of being punished for her.

I've been super stressed recently and i haven't been as touchy feely as i usually would be.. esp in the bedroom.. He says this makes him feel rejected and THE MINUTE he feels like this he takes away ALL affection.

I'm not withdrawing bedroom stuff to punish him or because i don’t "want" him I’m simply not in the mood because I’m stressed.... so he withdraws completely and I’m left feeling he doesn't want me and we are going around in circles and I don’t know where to go from here.

I feel im not doing this on purpose i just simply dont feel like it where he is doing it intentionally to make me feel the same.

AIBU to think he is punishing me for because of his past or AIBU not to think about what im doing to him knowing how he feels?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/07/2018 17:43

So he makes affection contingent upon your providing him with sex?

Trinity66 · 05/07/2018 17:43

Sounds like he's a bit scarred from whatever went on with his ex, maybe he needs to talk to someone about it? You are allowed to not be in the mood sometimes

Confusedbeetle · 05/07/2018 17:44

I think he needs counselling

VI0LET · 05/07/2018 17:48

So if you don’t have sex how and when he wants it he withdraws all affection - is that right ? I’m assuming that’s what you mean by not being as touchy feels as he wants in the bedroom.

What do you mean by withdrawing affection ? Does he still act like a loving and caring partner but not kiss and cuddle you ?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2018 17:48

Maybe the previous partner was fed up of him wanting sex all the time? (Dunno, just putting it out there)

Original poster
notthisagain83 · 05/07/2018 17:50

Pennggwm no i don't think its about the sex more like just the lack of intimate touching and making him feel like i desire him.

He's very insecure and says this make him feel unattractive and that i don't want him.

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 05/07/2018 17:51

What to do depends on the wider context of your relationship, but if things are generally good and you’re both keen to stay together I think you’d benefit from something like psychosexual or couples counselling. I think the best way to approach it is for both of you to feel you’re working towards better understanding and a more comfy/healthy experience of affection together, rather than you feeling like the responsibility for sorting it is all on one of you (at the moment it sounds like you’re feeling like you have to change and be constantly touchy-feely if you want him to stop being moody/insecure, and he’s possibly feeling like it’s all on him to get over his previous partner’s controlling/abusive behaviour. It’s better to feel like you’re working together to improve something that’s making both of you feel rubbish.)

If things are generally a bit crap and he’s not prepared to work on it together and take joint responsibility for making things better for you both, you may want to call it quits.

TammyWincyette · 05/07/2018 17:52

I'd hate that dynamic. I think, tbh, you need some 1:1 counselling / talking, to determine how you feel about your future, why you put up with this crap, and where you go from here.

SurfingCats · 05/07/2018 17:55

Maybe the previous partner was fed up of him wanting sex all the time? (Dunno, just putting it out there)

This!

Sounds very much like my Ex.

Original poster
notthisagain83 · 05/07/2018 17:56

Mostly we get on great and most weeks we are intimate 2-3 times a weeks so when there is a drought its very noticeable..

I can't understand how he can feel rejected when i'm still very touchy-feely with him (even though no intimate touching) and im always telling him i find him attractive..

OP posts:
Original poster
notthisagain83 · 05/07/2018 18:00

Maybe the previous partner was fed up of him wanting sex all the time?

No i don’t think so.. he never really initiates it its usually me!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/07/2018 18:00

Maybe his ex wasn't interested in constantly catering to his demands for sexual attention

His attitude is horrible op

VI0LET · 05/07/2018 18:04

Maybe it’s just me, but I become a bit suspicious of men who say

“ You must do / not do this because of what my ex did “. It feels like manipulation.

You know, all this “ don’t have any male friends / colleagues because my ex cheated on me so I’m insecure “.

“Make sure the house is always cleaned to my standards because my ex was a dirty cow “

“ Always perform in bed otherwise I will feel rejected and act like an arsehole and it will be your fault “.

RebelRogue · 05/07/2018 18:05

You "reject" him(no you don't btw) because of stress,tiredness etc.
He rejects you as a deliberate punishment for not complying with his wishes. Punishment that he supposedly lived through and knows how much it hurts and can affect self esteem. So he's either lying or he is a very cruel man.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2018 18:08

Op, to an outsider this sounds like a manipulative way of Getting sex whenever he fancies it.

ToffeeUp · 05/07/2018 18:17

You 'initiate' because otherwise he withdraws his affection.

Maybe his previous partner was fed up with it being all about his needs.

XiCi · 05/07/2018 18:19

So if you couldn't have sex for a while, say because of illness, he would just stop interacting with you? He sounds childish and manipulative and I wouldn't tolerate it for a second. I love the way he is behaving like a twat yet he has you thinking it's your fault and making excuses for him. Don't, you have done absolutely nothing wrong and you shouldn't have to live with that shit. I doubt very much btw that he was with someone for 16 years that never touched him!

WonderfulWonders · 05/07/2018 18:22

Maybe the previous partner was fed up of him wanting sex all the time? (Dunno, just putting it out there)

Totally this!!

He's coercing you into being intimate with him. Yuk!

rosesandflowers1 · 05/07/2018 18:30

I think the responses have been a bit harsh. My first thought was that he's massively insecure and reliant on external validation.

Obviously, OP, it's not your job to give him that. I second therapy/counselling.

Original poster
notthisagain83 · 05/07/2018 18:44

He is massively insecure and yes I do feel like this whole thing is my fault..

OP posts:
TammyWincyette · 05/07/2018 18:53

Well it isn't your fault.

Ffs don't go to counselling with him. Go your own, for you.

Shoxfordian · 05/07/2018 18:54

None of this is your fault
It's his entitled sexist attitude. He thinks you should be sexually affectionate all the time. You're allowed to not feel like it and he should know it doesn't change anything.

ToffeeUp · 05/07/2018 18:59

This is not your fault.

And just how touchy feely is he towards you or is it just him who needs to feel wanted?

rosesandflowers1 · 05/07/2018 19:05

this whole thing is my fault..

It's not your fault. Sounds like his ex was very emotionally abusive/manipulative, which has led to him having strong insecurities.

Nothing to do with you.

RebelRogue · 05/07/2018 19:07

It's not your fault. It's not even his ex's fault anymore because he had plenty of time to realise he's not nice,it's not healthy,it's unreasonable and get some help. He's had plenty of time to want better for himself and for you.