Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

He is punishing me or i am punishing him

65 replies

notthisagain83 · 05/07/2018 17:41

I love my DP and i know he loves me BUT we just can’t seem to sort an age old argument out that has some up yet again...

He spent 16 years with someone who never touched him and who used lack of affection as punishment and he thinks I’m doing the same I’m sick of being punished for her.

I've been super stressed recently and i haven't been as touchy feely as i usually would be.. esp in the bedroom.. He says this makes him feel rejected and THE MINUTE he feels like this he takes away ALL affection.

I'm not withdrawing bedroom stuff to punish him or because i don’t "want" him I’m simply not in the mood because I’m stressed.... so he withdraws completely and I’m left feeling he doesn't want me and we are going around in circles and I don’t know where to go from here.

I feel im not doing this on purpose i just simply dont feel like it where he is doing it intentionally to make me feel the same.

AIBU to think he is punishing me for because of his past or AIBU not to think about what im doing to him knowing how he feels?

OP posts:

Tinkofhousepan · 06/07/2018 02:23

*Daddystepdaddy I'm not blaming him for my stress at all and I've taken responsibility for starting the "issue" between us.

He making out this is my issue but I think it's our issue and we should both take responsibility and deal with it together.*

The only issue I see here is a man that claims to care about yoy manipulating you into having sex with him when you don't want to.

He is using the exact method his ex used to get what he wants out of you. After all who wouldnt choose lying on your back for 10 mins and thinking of England over being ignored by the person who is supposed to love you for days.

Quite honestly, he sounds despicable and manipulative, unless he is otherwise wonderful and does everything he can to de stress you as he knows you are very strssssd at the moment....

But I'm betting on him not doing anything to de stress you or help you. As he sounds like an absolute cunt.

My first LTB. This has given me the rage

Tinkofhousepan · 06/07/2018 02:26

As a side note. What does he do to make you feel he wants you? You initiate the sex. You placate him and give him what he wants. Does he do the same?

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 06/07/2018 09:33

He is very supportive in my aspects of our relationship and if i ask him to do something he will do it no questions.

This is not about the sex its about intimacy. When we do get intimate he 99.9% of the time make sure i get out of it what i need. However, after a lot of thought last night i should not be made to feel like shit when i simply don't feel like getting intimate and he needs to not take it personally. if he stopped withdrawing and actual tried to put me in the mood (which wouldn't take much) then we wouldn't ever have a dry spell!

OP posts:

Juells · 06/07/2018 10:11

He is using the exact method his ex used to get what he wants out of you.

He is using the exact method his ex allegedly used to get what he wants out of you.

Sounds more like the ex gave up feeling guilty, and left to find someone who didn't play games.

Bobbybear10 · 06/07/2018 10:22

It’s called manipulation.

He is manipulating you into giving him sex whenever he wants it.

If it was me I would be pissed he thought I was stupid enough to fall for it tbh! I would also LTB due to his manipulation and frankly borderline mentally abusive tactics.

Honestly my take is, It will only get worse and he will become more manipulative and controlling in other aspects of your relationship.

It would be very interesting to get the other side from the ex!

In saying all the above, he is your partner not mine and you know him best so maybe I’m wrong

Juells · 06/07/2018 10:32

so maybe I’m wrong...

...but you don't bloody think so 😁

Sorry for joking about what's a very serious issue for you, OP. I suspect a lot of posters, myself included, have been on the receiving end of this kind of guilt-inducing pressure. Being made to feel guilty and run around placating and appeasing when we'd done nothing wrong, but had a partner who stayed in control by keeping us wrong-footed. It's very wearing to have your emotions and feeling of well-being subject to someone else's whims.

If this wasn't going on in your life, how do you think you'd be feeling about yourself?

In your shoes I'd want to find out the truth of the break-up of his previous marriage.

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 06/07/2018 10:51

Unfortunately i can't find out from the ex as he no longer has contact with her (6 years ago they split). He did mention this when we first got together and his mother (who he is very close to) backs his story up, although im not sure that make a difference as it is only HIS story.

When we are good as a couple we are really good and it is the first relationship i have had where i feel we are a TEAM and he he very supportive in many ways.

But you are right when things are not going his way he does blame it all on me and that it is MY problem.

OP posts:

Juells · 06/07/2018 11:06

If you want to save the relationship, perhaps counselling would help? He may not even know that he's doing the manipulating - although I suspect his ex will have yelled it at him as she left. Having it pointed out to him in a non-confrontational way may work. You do need to talk to him about it, though, and explain how controlling it is.

NotMe321 · 06/07/2018 11:15

Whatever you do, don't have children with this man. He really won't be able to handle you giving a baby the level of attention s/he will need, let alone you being to tired/sore for sex.

VI0LET · 06/07/2018 11:42

If you want to save the relationship, perhaps counselling would help? He may not even know that he's doing the manipulating - although I suspect his ex will have yelled it at him as she left

How can he not know it’s manipulative ?

He approaches his partner for sex, she’s not in the mood so says no. He then withdraws all affection for days.
She caves in and has sex when she doesn’t want to , just to stop him sulking.

Rinse and repeat.

He does this over and over again because it works. Are you suggesting he doesn’t know he’s doing it ?

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 06/07/2018 12:06

@Violet is does not approach me for sex.. hardly ever really... most of the intimate affection starts from me and i have NEVER had sex with him if i have not wanted to and he would hate that and would know if is was not into it. When we do have sex its great. SEX is not the issue here.

We are quite a touchy feely couple but but as soon as the intimate touches stop on my part for whatever reason he withdraw ALL affection and we go around in a circle.

OP posts:

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 06/07/2018 12:08

@notme321 i have a 7 yo DD who he is brilliant with and she absolutely adores him.

OP posts:

VI0LET · 06/07/2018 12:11

Sorry if I have misunderstood OP

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 06/07/2018 12:39

@VIOLET i understand why you would think that but thats really not the case..

I guess his issue is deep routed and he does need counselling but i doubt he would go.

OP posts:

Juells · 06/07/2018 12:45

You really can't win with someone who uses sulking as a weapon. I've mentioned before, on a thread like this, that I thought my ex's sulking was something outside of his control - until long after we'd split up and one of our DDs did something very minor that upset him, and he told me that we should 'withdraw approval' so she'd learn a lesson She was eighteen! He kept using that tactic on our DDs until they got fed up of it, and let him sulk for six months rather than chasing and appeasing him. Eventually he contacted them again pretending nothing had happened.

Flip

1 2 3