Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is punishing me or i am punishing him

65 replies

notthisagain83 · 05/07/2018 17:41

I love my DP and i know he loves me BUT we just can’t seem to sort an age old argument out that has some up yet again...

He spent 16 years with someone who never touched him and who used lack of affection as punishment and he thinks I’m doing the same I’m sick of being punished for her.

I've been super stressed recently and i haven't been as touchy feely as i usually would be.. esp in the bedroom.. He says this makes him feel rejected and THE MINUTE he feels like this he takes away ALL affection.

I'm not withdrawing bedroom stuff to punish him or because i don’t "want" him I’m simply not in the mood because I’m stressed.... so he withdraws completely and I’m left feeling he doesn't want me and we are going around in circles and I don’t know where to go from here.

I feel im not doing this on purpose i just simply dont feel like it where he is doing it intentionally to make me feel the same.

AIBU to think he is punishing me for because of his past or AIBU not to think about what im doing to him knowing how he feels?

OP posts:
itsBritneyBeach · 05/07/2018 19:11

He sounds like a manipulative prick tbh with you, and has some issues he needs to sort out. It's absolutely not your fault and you don't owe him anything Thanks

Maelstrop · 05/07/2018 19:13

He is massively insecure and yes I do feel like this whole thing is my fault

But quite clearly it is not. He has made you think it is. It is not. It is his problem. You should not have to be constantly reassuring him or having sex when you don’t want to.

Daddystepdaddy · 05/07/2018 19:14

Why are you stressed? Is this something you can tackle?

Arum51 · 05/07/2018 19:15

He expects you to initiate sexual interaction, and be constantly 'proving' to him that you fancy him by requesting intimacy. The second you're a bit stressy, he withdraws affection to punish you for not stroking his fucking ego 24/7?

Life's too short, love.

ToffeeUp · 05/07/2018 19:23

Why are you stressed? Is this something you can tackle?

Having a partner who shows compassion and understanding and doesn't put more pressure on you would be a good start.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/07/2018 19:26

His insecurities now make you feel like his withdrawal of affection is your fault. He needs therapy. So do you do you understand what you can and can’t influence. Perhaps this isn’t deliberate but his behaviour is definitely still manipulative.

Juells · 05/07/2018 19:27

All those bloody ex wives. Crazy, frigid, filthy, cheating cows. Poor men.

😂

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 05/07/2018 19:28

Is he supportive of you, does he try to help you with whatever is causing the stress? Or is literally everything about him and having his needs met?

DeadHerring · 05/07/2018 19:31

It absolutely isn’t your fault. But I’m astonished at some of the black and white perspectives you’ve had in the replies.

Everyone can be a jerk at times. Doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a bad person - it can just mean there’s something they’re unable to deal with in a rational way.

If he feels he’s being rejected and feels unattractive, then withdrawing affection is a very common reaction. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone you want them if you think it won’t be reciprocated. It’s even harder for men because most of them are trained from birth to view emotions as a weakness. And telling someone that you need them or love them? That’s an unacceptable level of vulnerability for many men. But he can’t expect you to initiate and then complain you don’t do it enough - both partners need to show vulnerability and trust in order to reach out to each other, otherwise it’ll never get resolved.

However, I can’t stress this enough - it is not your fault. It also doesn’t sound like it’s something you can just fix without working entirely around his libido and that’s not a healthy solution for either of you.

If you’re able to set aside some time, maybe try talking about it when you’re both calm and happy. Try to work out what you both want, how you both feel and what reassurances you both need to feel loved and wanted - that’s a great place to start.

Otherwise, as others have suggested, counselling may be helpful for you both to get the conversation started and have someone else mediate to make sure it stays on track and constructive.

Juells · 05/07/2018 19:33

I wonder what his ex thinks led to their break-up?

KurriKurri · 05/07/2018 19:39

I presume you only have his word for what happened in his last relationship - his ex might tell a very different story - possibly one similar to yours.

I would take care - he sounds manipulative and disrespectful of your needs - it sounds as if everything is about his needs.
Sex is of course a lovely thing. But is it really very fulfilling to have sex with someone who is unwilling,because you have emotionally blackmailed them into it by casting up a previous relationship?

If it were me that was suffering from stress and tiredness, someone being demanding and making everything about them would be a major, major turn off. He needs to back off a bit and find out what you are feeling and what would make you feel comfortable and happy.

Instead he is being demanding and using an old relationship as an excuse why everything has to be about him.

crimsonlake · 05/07/2018 19:50

This all sounds like too much hard work and he sounds like a demanding spoilt child. I could not put up with this no wonder you are stressed, tell him to grow up.

diddl · 05/07/2018 20:10

So he punishes you in the way his ex supposedly punished him??

Sounds too much like hard work to me.

Is anyone always affectionate to the same degree all the time?

Sometimes you fancy a kiss/cuddle/sex-sometimes you don't!

Oldraver · 05/07/2018 20:15

It is perfectly normal in relationships to have times were there is for whatever reason less intimacy/sex.

He is however, purposefully withdrawing affection when you dont dance to his tune.

This is not on

BadPolicy · 05/07/2018 20:29

It is not your fault.

mummmy2017 · 05/07/2018 20:43

Kiss him when you go out, and come home, he needs you to do this to show him you love him.
This does not mean you sleep with him, it means making an effort to simple touch him as you go past him on the shoulder, or the cheek, you will find making an effort everyday makes him more secure, which means less work emotionally for you.

RebelRogue · 05/07/2018 20:56

@mummmy2017 who says OP doesn't do that? It's the lack of intimate touching that her husband is objecting to.

Daddystepdaddy · 05/07/2018 21:01

@ToffeeUp I personally think internalising external stress within a relationship and blaming a partner for it is really unhelpful, but that is just me I suppose.

mummmy2017 · 05/07/2018 21:01

Nope it does say especially, so refers to intimate.. Kissing is very intimate. But doesn't have to lead to sex, and does show someone you want them.

WhiteWalkerWife · 05/07/2018 21:09

He is punishing you. He is a dp. How long has he been?

Honestly, it sounds like coercion and manipulation to keep you under his thumb and on his penis.

ToffeeUp · 05/07/2018 21:14

Daddy I didn't read it as she was blaming her partner for the stress, just that he is adding to her stress by his behaviour

Original poster
notthisagain83 · 05/07/2018 21:20

Thank you so much every one for your advise.. most very helpful!

Mummy2017 I do those things everytime I see him without fail. It's the lack of intimate touching he has an issue with.

Daddystepdaddy I'm not blaming him for my stress at all and I've taken responsibility for starting the "issue" between us.

He making out this is my issue but I think it's our issue and we should both take responsibility and deal with it together.

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 05/07/2018 21:40

If he’s only ok while you’re providing sex on tap (whether you want to or not), he definitely has work to do. He will feel better taking responsibility for his own wellbeing and putting the work in to move beyond his insecurities like an adult rather than relying on external validation from you.

Really hope you find a decent way forward.

mummmy2017 · 05/07/2018 21:48

Oh sorry, so it's not your fault, or anything you can fix, tell him to stop being childish and maybe you would fancy the grown up man more than the man hold.

mummmy2017 · 05/07/2018 21:49

Sorry should read manchild..