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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like being ambushed for a playdate

51 replies

Takersandgivers · 05/07/2018 15:53

I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed with my dd (8) when she comes out of school or an activity and begs for a play date/can she go to friend's house right then and there, in front of the friend and the mother. I never want to say yes but more often than not the other mother (not always the same friend/mother) is fine about it and I end up feeling like an uptight fun spoiler when I say no, and my dd will be extremely annoyed and rude about it when I say no. She will apologise afterwards and say she was just excited to go but at the time she really acts up and won't listen to me.
I would be quite a worrier and like to have my head around where kids are going and when they have play dates on and don't like things sprung on me, even if I haven't got other plans.
I don't want to be a spoilsport because of my own anxiety though. I remember having fun as a kid and the excitement of having impromptu play dates, but at the same time I feel like I spend so much energy into trying to keep kids happy/organise stuff for them that I shouldn't have to feel bad about making it a rule that I will not be pressured into last minute play dates. Plus it's always a bit awkward when both parents aren't sure if it suits the other and don't know what to say to kid.
Aibu?

OP posts:
TheyCanGoInTheBucket · 05/07/2018 16:09

YABU a bit. Kids do this, it's completely normal. It sounds like your anxiety issues are the issue rather than DDs genuine excitement. It would be a shame for your issues to prevent DD from experiencing what is a pretty normal thing such as a play date, especially if the other parent is fine about it

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2018 16:12

Your real problem is with your daughter. Sit down with her and very clearly let her know that she is never to surprise you with plans again. Tell her that all play dates must be discussed beforehand with you. Also, it is impolite to ask you in front of her friends because of you say no, their feelings might be hurt. I had to have this exact discussion with my daughter when she was about your child's age. It solved the problem.

lovelilies · 05/07/2018 16:15

Crikey, I don't think your problem is your DD as suggested. It's perfectly normal for kids to want to have impromptu play dates.
If there's no good reason to say no, chill out and let them play.

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw · 05/07/2018 16:18

My DD does this, and I say “yes, but some time when it’s planned in advance. I’ll sort out a time with X’s Mum”. Then I usually ask X to play at my house on a day that suits.

Cadencia · 05/07/2018 16:19

All kids do this!

Thehop · 05/07/2018 16:20

I once said “no ds. You know the rule about asking in front of friends, and I know friend mum won’t mind me putting my foot down”

They ask me privately now I’m the main x

heatwave2018 · 05/07/2018 16:22

YANBU I would embarass her next time she tries to do it by saying that if she hadn't have thrown a tantrum/not done her homework/bad thing here then she could go on the play date, apologise to the friend and the parent and take her back. She won't try that again!

RedSkyLastNight · 05/07/2018 16:22

In a year or so your DC will be "playing out" which is based entirely around impromptu playdates! So you might want to relax a little.
If the play date is inconvenient, then say so (but maybe suggest an alternative time). Rely on the other parent to say if they are not happy with the idea!

PorkFlute · 05/07/2018 16:22

I never used to mind the dc asking but the constant pestering when it wasn’t convenient used to annoy me. I spoke to them about it alone and told them if they pestered they could guarantee the answer next time would be a no as well whether it was convenient or not. They stopped after that!

aaarrrggghhhh · 05/07/2018 16:37

You are being extremely unreasonable to blame your 8 year old daughter for your own issues and expect her to manage your dysfunction.

Her behaviour is entirely age appropriate.

Sort your own stuff out.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/07/2018 16:48

Make it a rule that you don't do short-notice play dates. Tell your child the rule and then be consistent.

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 16:50

Yes you are being unreasonable, i’m afraid.

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 16:51

“YANBU I would embarass her next time she tries to do it by saying that if she hadn't have thrown a tantrum/not done her homework/bad thing here then she could go on the play date, apologise to the friend and the parent and take her back. She won't try that again!”

This?

Don’t do it.

WeaselsRising · 05/07/2018 16:54

Well I'm over 50 and my DM always impressed on me that I should never ask in front of the other person, as it made it awkward for her. So no, YANBU.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 05/07/2018 16:54

If your dd asks “ can I go to Ambers house tonight please?....pleeeeeeeeease” your stock answer should be “that depends on if Ambers mummy wants you. ”

Then you look Ambers mummy square in the eye and say “if that’s not ok with you we do understand “ then make sure you reciprocate when you do get invites. sort it out with Ambers mummy beforehand and remind your dd in the morning “don’t forget, amber is coming to tea and play tonight”

It’s really not that hard.

Myotherusernameisbest · 05/07/2018 16:56

Kids do this and yes sometimes it can be awkward. Especially if you don't know the other parent very well.

I've sort of learnt that really if it's actually not a problem to let them play/let them have a friend over just say 'yes it fine, othermum if that ok with you/if othermum is ok with it them its fine with me'.

If it isn't ok just say 'no its not fine today, we have such and such on etc'.

Seems to work pretty well for us.

overmydeadbody · 05/07/2018 17:00

Why, if all you're going to do is go home with your dad, would your say no?

I don't get this. Yes it's not nice to have things sprung on you, but surely if it's ok with the other mum they're is no reason to say no?

I'd see this as win win. Your dd gets too have fun with hey friend and you get some time at home without her. She'll be happy when she comes home.

Speak to your dd about asking more descretely, but if there is no reason to say no then why say no?

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 05/07/2018 17:00

I'm on the fence. On one hand this is normal, my kids do it all the time "can X stay for dinner/ stay the night/ stay for three weeks??" , so it's normal. Otoh, it is a pain when they do! I say things like "I'm sure Xs mum has plans of their own" but if Xs mum seems keen, then what the hell! Unless it's truly inconvenient I tend to go with the flow.

mosessupposes · 05/07/2018 17:03

I think YANBU because of your final sentence. You should tell your DD very firmly that the answer will be always be no if she asks you in that way in the future, but you will make an effort to organise play dates if she gives you some notice.

Mookatron · 05/07/2018 17:04

I completely sympathise.

Whether or not I say yes depends on my ability to manage the anxiety. If I know I could but I just can't be arsed, I say yes (I try to say yes whenever possible). That way when I say 'not tonight' and arrange another date instead my kids know I mean it.

It's all very well saying 'sort your own stuff out' but realistically your kid has to live with your kid's parent.

Your DD needs to know that when you say no, you mean no - but that does also mean you have to say yes when you can.

OohMavis · 05/07/2018 17:08

I like to have a clean and tidy house for playdates, and it is rarely so. So yanbu, this would make me feel awkward.

But don't say yes if you don't want to, that's silly. A big breezy "not tonight DD, we have things to do. Maybe another time?" nice smile to DD's friend and parent, off you go. Don't stand there and listen to the whining and the fussing, walk away with DD.

Easier said than done with social anxiety though, I know.

OohMavis · 05/07/2018 17:11

Oh I thought we were talking about her asking if her friend could come and play, not if she could go and play. Which is it? It makes a big difference imo.

TheHandmaidsTail · 05/07/2018 17:17

Is she asking to go to other people's houses? That pisses me off if a child comes legging out asking their mum to come to mine for a playdate. The answer is always no, and it makes me feel I should say yes. I don't as I have other dc and work FT so playdates are tricky.

If she's coming out and says can x come to ours for tea that's not so bad - easily dealt with in a "let me talk to x's mum and we'll arrange a good time"

UpTheBumNoBabies · 05/07/2018 17:19

I just say no!

They do like to push their luck in front of friends especially if they know you don't feel comfortable saying no in front of the friend.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 05/07/2018 17:21

My response was always that playdates had to be arranged between mums and I would sort something with X's mum. The story of my sister in law's impromptu play date was also well entrenched in family legend so my children knew that there could be dire consequences for arranging anything without parental input!

Many years ago my sister in law arranged an impromptu play date. This was in the days before mobile phones. She was brought home by taxi (lived in the middle of nowhere) and walked into the house with best friend in tow. Mother in law had no idea she was coming and could not leave the shop she ran to take her home. The little girl's family had no phone so she couldn't even ring the mother to say that her daughter was safe. They had to wait until father in law came in from work so he could take her home at 6 o'clock. The mother must have been out of her mind.