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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like being ambushed for a playdate

51 replies

Takersandgivers · 05/07/2018 15:53

I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed with my dd (8) when she comes out of school or an activity and begs for a play date/can she go to friend's house right then and there, in front of the friend and the mother. I never want to say yes but more often than not the other mother (not always the same friend/mother) is fine about it and I end up feeling like an uptight fun spoiler when I say no, and my dd will be extremely annoyed and rude about it when I say no. She will apologise afterwards and say she was just excited to go but at the time she really acts up and won't listen to me.
I would be quite a worrier and like to have my head around where kids are going and when they have play dates on and don't like things sprung on me, even if I haven't got other plans.
I don't want to be a spoilsport because of my own anxiety though. I remember having fun as a kid and the excitement of having impromptu play dates, but at the same time I feel like I spend so much energy into trying to keep kids happy/organise stuff for them that I shouldn't have to feel bad about making it a rule that I will not be pressured into last minute play dates. Plus it's always a bit awkward when both parents aren't sure if it suits the other and don't know what to say to kid.
Aibu?

OP posts:
justchangingagain · 05/07/2018 17:22

I had similar only it was DS friend that every day would come out of school and ask if they could come over, it went on for far to long as I was wishy washy about saying no thinking that the mum standing next to me would say something but they never did. I toughened up and just said no eventually.
I wouldn't mind if you said no, equally I didn't mind saying yes sometimes.

Loonoon · 05/07/2018 17:22

I didn’t like this either for various reasons and DCs knew that if they sprang it on me on the day in front of the other child/parent the answer would always be NO. They soon learned to ask at least a day in advance.

I wouldn’t worry too much about being a ‘fun spoiler’ in this respect. Sometimes that’s part and parcel of parenting.

2up2manydown · 05/07/2018 17:24

I hate this too. My 4 yr old does it! Constantly asking for play dates - at 4!

NameChangingParanoid · 05/07/2018 17:24

I don’t think YABU, I did this as a kid & my Mum told me in private never to ask her in front of friend / friend’s Mum as it made for an awkward situation so I’d just go on my own to ask.

I’ve not had this with DD yet but I’m sure it’s on the horizon, don’t think it would bother me but if it started to, I would do exactly what my Mum did.

Thinksthinksthinks · 05/07/2018 17:26

You are being unreasonable - impromptu play dates can be the best in the way that spontaneous adult plans can be.

Thinksthinksthinks · 05/07/2018 17:26

Constant is one thing, but never a spontaneous play date?

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 17:30

“I wouldn’t worry too much about being a ‘fun spoiler’ in this respect. Sometimes that’s part and parcel of parenting.”

What, fun spoiling for no good reason? That’s not part and parcel of my parenting.

Peartree17 · 05/07/2018 17:31

You can have a go at talking with your daughter about how you prefer to have things planned in advance, and who would she like to invite for a playdate and when, and what you might do, and get out the diary...but I think you will still find that spontaneous requests crop up. Especially in good weather, especially towards the end of term when school is winding down a bit. What harm comes of saying yes? Is it about collecting? is the evening then knocked completely sideways with other children/activities/planned meals? If there is a logical, practical objection, fair enough. If it's just irritation at being caught on the hop, well, why can't you leave your irritation to one side?

And OP, I mean this kindly, if you don't like last-minute changes and new arrangements now, you are going to find the teen years tough. Fluid arrangements, facilitated by mobile phones, decent public transport and the absolute god-like status of friends and FOMO, mean you will constantly be presented with changed arrangements. If this makes you anxious, I would learn to deal with it, because you are in for a lot of anxiety otherwise!

pinyata · 05/07/2018 17:34

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread.

She is a child I remember actively making plans with my friends to ask parents together because they were less likely to say no, you are being massively unreasonable if it doesn't suit just say no. It's not a drama.

Singlebutmarried · 05/07/2018 17:35

Did this after school today.

DD had a fab time and I’ll return the favour next week.

Shumpalumpa · 05/07/2018 17:36

my dd will be extremely annoyed and rude about it when I say no. She will apologise afterwards and say she was just excited to go but at the time she really acts up and won't listen to me.

Do not reward her rudeness by agreeing to the play date. Of course she'll apologise later when she has had her way. Stop letting her manipulate you in this way.

Katedotness1963 · 05/07/2018 17:37

I hated it when my kids would put me on the spot like that, so I told them if they did it, it was an automatic no.

ArianaMini · 05/07/2018 17:39

What on Earth is the problem with a 4 year old?

sirfredfredgeorge · 05/07/2018 17:42

I feel like I spend so much energy into trying to keep kids happy/organise stuff for them

So stop putting all that energy into it, and just say "Yes" when they ask to go on an impromptu play date.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/07/2018 17:45

I don’t mind this if I know the other parent really well so that we can just be honest with each other about whether it’s a good night but I would hate it if I didn’t know them well. They might think it really rude. They might work from home or have siblings or any number of other reasons why not and I would hate anyone to feel pressured to entertain my child.
Your dd is old enough to consider this from the point of view of the other family.

Original poster
Takersandgivers · 05/07/2018 17:49

Wow thanks for all the helpful responses and advice on how to handle it. I know it's totally normal for kids this age to ask, although I think my dd's reaction when I do say no is extreme and that's where I need to lay some ground rules down and will try some of the suggestions made here so thanks:-)

I know my feelings about it are down to my own worries about her being away somewhere without me, (it is generally asking to go to a friend's house not come to ours) but I do try to fight these feelings and say yes at least 50% of the time. I also organise play dates for her on a regular basis whether at home or at friends, I think it's just when it's sprung on me or I feel bullied into it I end up getting totally stressed out!

OP posts:
VI0LET · 05/07/2018 17:55

I hated it when my kids would put me on the spot like that, so I told them if they did it, it was an automatic no

This. We have the same rule - if you ask in front of someone, the answer is always no.

DerelictWreck · 05/07/2018 17:56

YANBU I would embarass her next time she tries to do it by saying that if she hadn't have thrown a tantrum/not done her homework/bad thing here then she could go on the play date, apologise to the friend and the parent and take her back. She won't try that again!

Jesus Christ do not do this.

That's appalling

worstmotherintheworld · 05/07/2018 17:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and think it's a bit unfair to say you are. I absolutely hate being ambushed like this - not everyone is good when put on the spot. However, I think you have to be prepared to do some things on the spur of the moment sometimes. Could you speak to your DD and suggest that most things need to be planned in advance, but that on the odd occasion she could very discretely make a request at the school gate?

OlennasWimple · 05/07/2018 18:02

I don't like being ambushed either - I will make play dates happen, but it;s very rare that our arrangements are such that it can happen instantly

I've told DC that if they ask me in front of the other child, it will always be a no, because they shouldn't put me on the spot in front of other people. But if they ask me separately, I will always try to make it happen if I possibly can

Oblomov18 · 05/07/2018 18:09

I disagree. I don't think it's ok for your dd to behave that way and I think you need to sit her down and say : " I appreciate you are excited, but the behaviour at the time, is not acceptable".

Oblomov18 · 05/07/2018 18:11

I like notice. I like to arrange today that Samuel/Sam/Oliver is coming to play with Ds2 on Tuesday.

TheHandmaidsTail · 05/07/2018 18:12

But she is asking to go to someone's house - they will often feel obliged to say yes. It's rude! There are a couple of kids that do that at dc school and the mum just stands there waiting for me to deal with it.

You jump in and say "no, it's rude to ask, me and x's mum will discuss x coming to ours" You should have the playdate at yours first anyway if it's your dc doing the asking.

FinallyHere · 05/07/2018 18:24

“no ds. You know the rule about asking in front of friends, and I know friend mum won’t mind me putting my foot down”

I remember my mother setting this rule. She stuck to it absolutely do that I knew to not ask in front of friends.

Rely on the other parent to say if they are not happy with the idea!

Please don't do this, it's really not fair. Much better to set a rule of not asking in front of people. Much better practise for real life

It's not about the spontaneity, and everything about not putting the parent on the spot. There could be any number of reasons that the parent does not choose to let the child visit that family, on that day. It's important for the parent to make those decisions in private.

Racecardriver · 05/07/2018 18:25

Children need to learn

  1. that it is rude to put people on the spot and,
  2. that their parent's lives do not revolve around them. There is no harm in asking reasonably and politely whether you can have an impromptu play date but pestering, begging or whining is never OK. Sulking or otherwise expressing anything beyond polite disappointment is also not OK.