To think that when people say ask for help if you feel your mental health is poor they don’t mean it?

[Bizarretortoise]

Just that, really? Or they mean ‘you should ask for help, but don’t ask me’.
Been having a hard time recently, feeling in need of some support, and just that. I’ve tried speaking to a few close friends and family and they don’t want to know. Fortunately, I can afford to go to a therapist instead, but I’ve been really shocked at how people just palm it off (but are equally happy to post MHA ‘ask fir help’ memes).

Sadly I have to agree with you!!! Family members who avoided my for months and months posting this site memes

I'm really sorry that you have found your family/friends unhelpful.

I wouldn't tell people to ask for help unless I absolutely meant it. However, if I felt that I was out of my depth and that someone needed professional help, I would focus my efforts on helping them to access appropriate professional support, rather than getting involved in a way that could potentially make it worse. Could it be that your loved ones don't know how best to help you?

Awesome user name!
That aside, Im not sure that ordinary people are qualified to help someone with their mental health issues any more than they would be if they broke a leg. Unless you mean practical support like getting the shopping in and the obvious, like being kind.

I think the problem comes because the paucity of mental health services in the UK means that lots of people do turn to friends/family to support them in a way that's beyond their competency through lack of alternative.

I think the problem is that most people are well-meaning and would like to think they're the kind of person who would absolutely be there for people and save them from offing themselves. The reality of dealing with someone in mental health crisis, however, is a lot less heroic and a lot more frustrating and scary. Even trying to deal with someone who is deeply depressed and just wants to talk to someone is difficult if you're scared of making them worse and have no personal experience on which to base your response.

I get so pissed off with the crappy shared posts about how their door is always open and tea and coffee and a kettle available. I see people post them who are fully aware of theental health problems I have had and who would not once pick up a phone to get in touch to see how I was, and who would be frankly horrified if I turned up on their doorstep having a big, snotty cry and asking for them to open their door, put on the kettle and listen to me.

In my experience, the ones that mean it are the ones who've been there. I don't know if I'm fortunate or not that not many of my friends fall in that category, but enough do that I know who to call. And they're not the ones sharing the virtue signalling shite.

It can be difficult if you've never experienced it before. I have a work colleague who I'm close with who is going through a very poor spell with mental health- anxiety and depression mostly- and I chat to him about it a lot although I admit annoymously I struggle to understand it. With cancer, or another physical illness I think I'd find it easier to visualise that it could be me and what would I need to hear for comfort? With mental illness its much harder because for people who've never suffered with it they feel low, shake it off and get on with their lives. I can't put myself in those shoes, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps you could try reaching out to someone who has experienced similar and is now well?

Yeah it’s pretty shit. All the people who like to outwardly seem like they’d help dont, but at the same time the issues we face are only ours to deal with bad mental health seriously effects me, not as badly as it did a year or two ago, but I didn’t get one offer of help. Not ever.

Now I’m more on my feet, I’ve spent a while trying to help someone who struggles similarly, and to be really honest. I can do without it. It’s become a pretty full on job where it’s virtually expected that I was ups give up days to help them. Then do the school run for them after dealing with stuff that’s really their responsibility, then spending the morning to pick up car seats and pick them up and take them to the drs to take them back to their house with no thanks, chasing them down when they say they can’t take their child to school to take the child to school, all the while that this person acts too fragile to pick up the phone to me, sits silently in my car (I felt like a taxi driver) then when they leave their bag in my car demand I take it back at 10pm at night when they realise that it must be in my boot.

After this, no I’m of the belief that maybe it’s best that people are left to their own devices. Maybe that’s how I managed to get as close to recovery as I have.

I’ve been looking for just a friendly ear and some kind words. We have a disabled child and it’s very isolating and tough. When I tried to discuss with people, I know the issues are tough and they may feel out of their depth, but surely there’s more that can be said than ‘it’ll pass’ or ‘everyone feels like that sometimes’ - or in one case no acknowledgement whatsoever. Even just a question ‘tell me about it’ would be amazing. Just unburdening, whether advice is given or not, is enough to help,
Completely agree GrumpyInsomniac - - it’s the virtue signalling that really rankles.

Oh no, I’ve gone off on my own tangent. Well people are just being arseholes, what does it take to ask about a friends child?

FWIW I stood in the street outside DDs school today, talking with a parent about her child who’s just been diagnosed with aspergers, she just needed someone to understand, I was there for 3 hours, I’ve got the sunburn to prove it!

Now. What’s going on? I’m happy to listen (or read!)

I think people are just really unprepared for the reality of mental illness. People imagine someone who's feeling a bit sad but after a nice cup of tea and a rousing pep talk from them (probably involving the line 'we all feel down sometimes!') they'll bravely wipe the tears from their eyes and say how much better they feel. The reality is that you're very unlikely to feel you've made a real difference, may in fact be scared you've made it worse, and if you are going to give meaningful help it's not going to be a one-off thing and it's likely to be very demanding and draining. The other reality that people are unprepared for is that the very ill often aren't very nice while in the grips of illness - a lot of forms of mental illness make the sufferer very self-centred and inclined to lash out. It's very common for people dealing with those with severe mental illness to feel they have to distance themselves for their own self-preservation, and that's often the right choice.

There is a place for a cup of tea and a chat though, I think. It’s a gateway to unburdening - and then seeking the right sort of help. It’s the holding it all in that often causes the crisis.

Yes there is. And it's a pretty crappy friend who can't offer that once in a while.

I do agree that's often the case. When people say come to me for help too often they mean come to me for help (as long as it's a simple problem than I can solve quickly without expending too much effort.)

This is a sad post to read. I would always want to feel that I could provide comfort and support to a friend in need, but the reality is that life is so busy (work, three DC, a voluntary role, a DH who works long hours) that I feel I'm not there for my friends as much as I'd like to be. I do have a friend (not a very close friend) whose DC has serious learning disabilities and I think things must be very tough for her. It's easy to feel a bit helpless and hard to say the right thing

I think it depends on what help they need.

I had an relative (not MH) who would called at 8.30 one morning for a bottle of lemonade, just because she fancied some. My offer of "call if you need anything" became abused.

I was more then happy to collect essentials, or do some house work but it became petty things that didn't need doing straight away - and so in the end I became resentful and stopped offering.

That's because majority of people couldn't give a fuck about listening to other pile problems as they're too keen to share their own. Sounds flipant, but I'm Serious.

Too often I've listened at length to other people's problems and complaints only to be ignored when I have my own.

I am at a loss as to how to handle other people's severe mental health problems but I don't post trite memes about how my door is always open either.

I'm sorry you are suffering op .

I think op and other pps have hit the nail on the head unfortunately. I have experienced mental health problems for most of my life and have lost many friendships, as often people have a very unrealistic idea of the impact it really has.
I have found people, that I thought I knew well, to be extremely judgmental when I actually needed them. Any invisible illness is difficult for people to truly understand but I think MH in particular is highly misunderstood. All this ‘I’m aware’ crap on Facebook just frustrates me as it always seems to be posted by people who have been distanced themselves from me in real life.
I have come to realise that people prefer a happy ending and are much more supportive when you have ‘recovered’ and ‘survived’. In the midst of it people often don’t want to know.

I think people are just really unprepared for the reality of mental illness. People imagine someone who's feeling a bit sad but after a nice cup of tea and a rousing pep talk from them (probably involving the line 'we all feel down sometimes!') they'll bravely wipe the tears from their eyes and say how much better they feel.

^^THIS^^

I'm sure people mean it when they say they'll be "there for you" or to "talk about it any time", but they don't actually understand what that means. It's not about "talking" for everyone, sometimes it's just about understand why a person might be a little distant, or not wanting to socialize, or are extremely emotional/lashing out and just continuing to check in on them and not get angry at the behavior.

I'm quite open with people about my battle with chronic depression, when I realize that I'm having an episode (I don't always consciously realize it, or it might take awhile) I tell my family & close friends "Look, I'm depressed right now, I don't know why, I'm on my meds, it will pass, just let me have my space and don't get upset if I'm distant or a little emotionally unbalanced right now."

DH gets it, and gives me the space I need. Some of my close friends get it, and they are fantastic, others haven't and it's ruined friendships because they take it personally, or think that I'm being dishonest about it, or don't understand why I can't just "fix it".

Mental illness is still so horribly misunderstood.

@BizarreTortoise

I don't have a disabled child but I have a baby with a health condition that impacts on his life massively. He's had surgery but it's a case of fixed never cured.

In my experience, people were very interested in being sympathic in the early stages, when we were in NICU. But now ten months later hardly anyone gives a shit. It's not as if I go on and on about it and talk of nothing else, but it is a huge part of my life and I would like to be able to share it with my friends.

It's been incredibly isolating and I can imagine that your situation might feel a bit similar?

What is it you are struggling with at the moment? People on here will be happy to listen

It’s better than it used to be, encouraging people to talk is a good first step but knowing how to listen to someone with long term mh issues is another set of skills most people don’t have as people expect conversations to have resolutions and end with trite homilies about everyone having stuff to deal with/insert unhelpful closer of choice.

Tbh, I’ve friends with chronic mh and physical health issues and anything chronic people struggle to support

@Rocknrollwithit Yes, I think that’s it. When my son was first diagnosed, lots of people said ‘always here’, etc. But fast forward a few years, it’s almost as though they expect it to have magically disappeared. I try to deal with most things myself, with my husband, but sometimes it’s unbearable and I just want a bit of an ear and some reassurance.
I am ok though - the therapy has helped coming to terms with it. I’m just very disappointed that people use MH memes for their virtue signalling, but don’t want to know when they actually have a chance to help a friend. It’s like a death - I see some people actively avoid us at parties etc, because they don’t know what to say. As with a bereavement, something is often better than nothing.

People can listen but they are often ill equipped to advise.

With the best will in the world, any one with an illness, physical or mental, is prone to talking endlessly about their own problems, ailments and conditions to the exclusion of other people. If you are that captive audience, repeatedly, then it becomes emotionally draining.

I will give the example of my very dear friend who has bi-polar subsequent awful PND that I do make sure I make time for. Three hours recently and she didn't once ask about my DH who is terminal.

If your illness/situation becomes the only focus of your life, then peoples empathy runs dry very quickly.