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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“I pay you maintenance” - AIBU?

53 replies

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw · 04/07/2018 19:22

Separated from Ex for a couple of years. DCs live with me, he has them EOW. He pays child support at the CSA minimum level - in fact he tells them he has DCs 3 nights and pays that amount when actually he only has ever had them 2 nights.

Ex thinks I should provide all clothes. He collects them from school Friday afternoon on his weekend and thinks I should send clothes for the whole weekend in their bags. I think he should buy a few items and keep them at his house. I pack a bag for them when he has them for longer in the holidays but for weekends I think that’s his responsibility. AIBU?

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 19:24

XH doesn’t pay any maintenance, never has and he has the same attitude.

My attitude is that if you can’t provide what your child needs in your house you don’t have him. I actually had to specify that he needed a toothbrush, clothes and a fucking lightbulb in his room a few weeks ago!

You’re not the one in the wrong OP, he is. Any parent who niggles over providing for their child is a dick.

Cheerbear23 · 04/07/2018 19:26

YANBU, how old are they? If they are little Primark are selling tshirts for £1.80 and leggings for £3, appreciate older teens may not be thrilled with a Primark outfit but he should be able to provide whilst they are in his care at his house.

Yambabe · 04/07/2018 19:28

Smile sweetly and explain that his maintenance is reduced for the days he has the kids so he should be providing what they need on those days.

Shitonthebloodything · 04/07/2018 19:28

Tell the CMS how often he really has them then use the extra maintenance to buy some basics for his place.
I've always provided clothes etc for mine at their dads they only have toothbrushes there that's it.

Isleepinahedgefund · 04/07/2018 19:34

My ex is the same, he used to steal clothes from nursery to put our dd in, and then when she started school he started keeping clothes I’d sent her to his with. He’s not so bad now after I started asking for every single item back.... If I don’t pack her an outfit for the next day when she stays overnight, she comes home in the same clothes aside from pants, he has deigned to buy her a pack of pants. He was the same with his other kids when we were together, I was forever gathering up school uniforms and spare clothes to give back to their mother as he would keep them all on the premise that he, apparently, had paid for them anyway. Mean fucker.

kitkatsky · 04/07/2018 19:37

My ex doesn't pay maintenance but has to provide clothes for when DD with him as I got fed up of being attacked for what I sent e.g not enough clothes, sending jeans when I didn't anticipate weather warm enough for shorts etc. I still lose tho as I send her in well fitting clothes and he sends her home in stuff that's too small. So I do send her in basics these days, but can't wait til she notices what he's doing. Can't imagine it'll be long as she's a smart little cookie

Original poster
MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw · 04/07/2018 19:42

Thank you for your answers. They are little, and Primark, H&M and supermarkets are what they wear at home unless they get hand downs from cousins. He used to keep clothes I’d got, but now they are at school they are in uniform when he picks them up so he wants me to send other clothes.

It sounds like this is standard - for tight, mean ex’s, anyway.

OP posts:
flopsyrabbit1 · 04/07/2018 19:48

if its just the weekend and you get them back i wouldnt sweat it to be honest

holidays a bit differrent but he should supply toothbrush etc regardless

SoNotaWendy · 04/07/2018 19:49

He's already stealing from you. IF you are bearing 80% of the sacrifice and responsibility of raising your children then he is already stealing from you.

Honeyroar · 04/07/2018 19:52

We always had clothes and toys at our house for my stepson. Things got passed between houses, and if he was going on a holiday or school trip that required certain clothes (he generally had more outdoorsy clothes at our house) he'd call round and collect them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2018 19:53

Does he send the stuff back? If he does I’d do it for the children. Mean prick that he is. Definitely tell the cms he only has your DC’s 2 nights. That’s money he’s stolen from your children.

PatheticNurse · 04/07/2018 19:54

My children leave in an outfit on a Friday.... and return in an outfit on a Sunday. What they do inbetween is up to stbxh.

I don't do wife work anymore, so I'm not going to be packing, unpacking and washing clothes from his contact time

Djchickpea · 04/07/2018 19:55

Standard cockhead behaviour.

NauticalDisaster · 04/07/2018 19:59

No way! Women need to stop treating men like babies and doing this for them. It is time for him to step up and provide for his children. Maintenance helps cover his portion of the cost of the children when they are not with him. Tell hom to get lost with his unreasonable demands.

kateandme · 04/07/2018 20:10

id tell on the day they come back that he has two weeks now to get them clothes.you wont be providing them anymore.get in touc hmid week for a reminder with there sizes.
get the kids to remind dad they need clothes next weekend.
or if he really cant be arsed.tell him if he really needs to, send some money and you will go with them and get them a supply for his house but he needs to send the funds to do so.

missymayhemsmum · 04/07/2018 20:19

Wierd. Ex used to moan that I let the kids pack for themselves and they turned up with a random outfit and no pyjamas or socks. It never occurred to me that they should have 2 sets of clothes. Isn't that a bit odd for the kids, having mums house clothes and dads house clothes? What do they do, strip and change on the doorstep? Or always have a favourite outfit in the wrong house? Surely what's being lost here is that the clothes belong to the children? especially when they grow out of stuff so quick. Having them come home with clean clothes rather than dirty laundry would be good coparenting though.

Wallywobbles · 04/07/2018 20:25

My very wise step mum told me to make sure this was absolutely in the contact agreement. He still kicked off about despite giving him 5 x 100l bin bags of hand me down clothes in every size that he'd ever need. He didn't recognize nighties as an alternative to pyjamas. He sent the kids bag with bleeding feet as he was to tight to buy socks. He paid no maintenance at all and had them the legal minimum.

Wallywobbles · 04/07/2018 20:27

They go in one outfit and come back in the same clothes. Occasionally you do a resort if things get mixed up.

SugarIsAmazing · 04/07/2018 20:28

Mine take clothes when they go to their dads

purpleshimmer · 04/07/2018 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw · 04/07/2018 20:32

So consensus seems to be that I’m not BU but should probably just suck it up and provide? I always do anyway. I work full time and sort out childcare, after school activities, medical appointments, hair cuts, birthdays and everything else, I think he could get a couple of T shirts and pairs of shorts Angry

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 04/07/2018 20:37

Wy suck it up and provide? I don't think that's the consensus!

I think you should keep sending them in uniform and tell CMS he only has them 2 days.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 04/07/2018 20:40

No you shouldn't suck it up, I agree with PP who said this "Smile sweetly and explain that his maintenance is reduced for the days he has the kids so he should be providing what they need on those days."

kateandme · 04/07/2018 20:43

when they are old enough they will start asking them to buy clothes.he will be in trouble then.

kateandme · 04/07/2018 20:46

no no no I got the feeling people want you to tell him to get the dam clothes himself hun.
don't back down,dont provide tell them he will be picking them up in uniform as usual and the clothes they change into will be from him.
this would be different if he was doing his share.paying his way.and did provide some clothes etc. you would then be ok to have the kdis choose some of yours to take with them sometimes if they wanted a particular t-shirt one weekend.but he isn't.they need to be getting proved for from both ends