“I pay you maintenance” - AIBU?

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

Separated from Ex for a couple of years. DCs live with me, he has them EOW. He pays child support at the CSA minimum level - in fact he tells them he has DCs 3 nights and pays that amount when actually he only has ever had them 2 nights.

Ex thinks I should provide all clothes. He collects them from school Friday afternoon on his weekend and thinks I should send clothes for the whole weekend in their bags. I think he should buy a few items and keep them at his house. I pack a bag for them when he has them for longer in the holidays but for weekends I think that’s his responsibility. AIBU?

If they were tweens/teens they can be responsible for their own clothes, but for little ones I'd be loathed to supply them if you are not getting them back.

Tell him the reason he gets a reduction for overnight stays is for him to provide for them.
We have dsd EOW and she comes in a clean set of clothes. And her mum packs clean pants and socks to wear on her return with the clothes that she came In

We provide absolutely everything. She has a. Wardrobe of clothes. Own toy boxes, own shelf in bathroom for her items.. Id's a home from home..

I sort of provide clothes for when DC are at dad's but it's mostly hand-me-downs and supermarket/primark, they all get mixed up and swapped round and he (or his mum) buy bits occasionally like a pack of socks or a nice jumper which sometimes end up in my house. I need him to bring round school uniform sometimes though as he hoards it. As a pp said, the clothes belong to the kids and they can wear what they want. For all his, many, many faults my ex is not tight with money and desperately wants the kids to be happy.

Under no circumstances suck it up and provide.
File it under the "not my problem" category and move on.
He can ask all he wants for you to provide him with clothes for "his" days, but there is no way you should. He'll be asking you to pay for food on his days next.
Definitely contact the CMS about him only having them 2 nights as well. He's being a cheapskate and these are his children. He needs to step up and actually bear some of the responsibility of parenting.

Thanks for your comments the last few posters. I think I was misreading the resigned tone of some PPs with similarly tight arsed exes.

I always provided clothes for DC to take to their dads.

However, I wouldn't tolerate him cheating the system by payingless. Why haven't you done anything about this? It sounds as though you have your priorities all wrong.

Sausagerollers before DCs we’re at school he collected from my house and I did a packed dinner for the car so he didn’t buy their food that evening either .

He's just going to hoard them anyway. You will have years of this crap, nip it in the bud now.

happy because CSA take a percentage so if I reported him I wouldn’t actually get much more cash, and there would be his aggressive reaction to deal with. That might sound weak but I’m tired of conflict.

EURGH!! Not U at all. OH pays his ex an agreed amount of maintenance, on top of that DSS has everything he needs here, clothes toys everything etc.

I mean honestly how much does it cost to buy a few bits from primark or whatever, and surely he'd want them to feel like they have two homes rather than having to cart a bag around with them??

Tell the CMS he has them for less nights!

I can't believe that anyone would conceive children with such ... people. I have deliberated over that choice of word.

If you’ll get the clothes back, send them by all means, for the sake of the children. If not, or if you will get back some small crappy clothes in place of what you send, then don’t.

I once had to cut an 18-24 months sized top off my DD when she was 4 because clever daddy had decided he was keeping the clothes I’d sent her with for the next day and the clothes she had gone to him in. The top actually left deep red marks on her that were still there the next day. That’s when I put my foot down.

"I once had to cut an 18-24 months sized top off my DD when she was 4 because clever daddy had decided he was keeping the clothes I’d sent her with for the next day and the clothes she had gone to him in. The top actually left deep red marks on her that were still there the next day. That’s when I put my foot down."

What an absolute fucking arsehole.

the CMS wont take a cut if he arranges to pay you direct

the charging comes in if he dosent pay and he then has to pay them

if he pays ok now there should not be a charge

the CMS will calculate what he should pay so you should be better of

make sure the relevant people know he is lying about how many days he has your dc. Also from the childs perspective it can be hard. I had to take different clothes for each house. Worse still I had to take the dirty ones back to be washed! I never really felt I belonged anywhere. Your dc may work out what is happening as they get older but the downside is they may grow to see it as normal as they know nothing else.

Same with me. Ex has dc 3 days a week. He is high earner, I earn below tax threshold. I pay for: school uniform, school meals, school trips, clubs, all clothes unless he does the Disney dad act and buys expensive trainers etc.
I have tried the reasonable argument that maintenance is reduced from what it would be if I had them full time. He even tells the children that he gives mum money so she needs to buy everything! Now I just satisfy myself that I absolutely do the best I can for my children and what he chooses to do is beyond my control and hence not worth stressing over. One day the children will realise their father is an arse.

Same here. XH pays bare minimum and it really is shockingly bad. He doesn’t provide any extras I.e no extra money for uniform or school trips and he has never had clothes at his for them. In fact, he complains if they ever forget to pack something. He has them three full days a month... It’s shit.

My hot water was broken once so I asked ex if he could bath the dcs at his. It was a contact night anyway. He asked me to give him soap and towels.

He is much better now. He was always complaining that he didn't like the clothes i sent for the dcs so I told him to provide his own. He reduced the maintenance to do so but still pays cms levels. If dd comes home in clothes that are his I just send them back with her next time.

If only they came with “selfish arsehole” tattooed on their forehead OCSock. It would be so much easier to avoid them, and then be judgmental of other people’s mistakes

My exh has our eldest ds almost 18 (younger ds2 stopped going of his own chosing) 4 days and then i have him 4 days and he has never bought our son any clothes or paid for anything apart from his cricket match fees (£5 ) when he is with him in the past 4 1/2 years. My son would never ask him to and I'm sure if he did he would get told he pays me maintenance for that. Which he does of £60 a week for both ds and that has stayed the same for last 4 1/2 years.

Ask him to take them shopping in ASDA, get them a few outfits and then you can both send and return in clothing, that you will wash pack and return then to him in the outfits.
Then if he says anything ask him just how much he thinks it cost to cloth children. Then shut up and just keep looking at his face till he replies.

The bare legal minimum is definitely viewed by my ex as an upper "limit" basically he pays as he feels. Rarely. However, my children do need clothes. Yes it pisses me off that clothes go missing, yes it is frustrating to have had to do morning dashes to the supermarket as they've left shoes, coats etc behind and need to meet uniform standards. But i just do it. I used to get a bit grumpy. But we're 7 years in now. My dc are excellent packers and probably lose less stuff. Also very independent for school trips away as noted by staff. I see time with their dad as some very intensive independence training. They see me as a parent, him as a bind. Says it all really.

My hot water was broken once so I asked ex if he could bath the dcs at his. It was a contact night anyway. He asked me to give him soap and towels.

Bloody hell, there’s tight and then there’s tight! Did he not have soap and a towel then? Can’t believe these people begrudge their own kids this stuff.

Anyway you can keep the children at home and not let them visit until he buys them clothes etc. If he is going to be stupid you might as well be stupid back

I don’t really want to be petty or passive aggressive, and I don’t want my kids stuffed into clothes that are too small, or jeans in this weather. I will probably put some of the less special clothes into their bags so they have some lighter options at his house, though it enrages me that he can’t run to a couple of pairs of shorts.