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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About a visitors when DH and I are away

99 replies

WheresYouWheelieBin · 04/07/2018 12:02

DH and I are going away for a long weekend, the first time we’ve been away together for more than a night at a time since we had our DCs (oldest is 12). DH’s parents are coming to stay to look after the DCs, they are staying in the guest room as they normally do when they visit. Last week I found out that DMIL’s sister is also coming to stay and will be sleeping in one of the DCs rooms so that child will be sleeping in my room. Now I find out that DMILs brother and his wife are also coming to stay and will be sleeping in the other DC’s room, so that child will also be sleeping in my room. Both DCs will have to use my bathroom as there will now be 5 adults using the other bathroom (which they usually use). I have not been asked about these visitors, I’ve been told by DH that they are visiting and he worked out sleeping arrangements with the in-laws. I’ve spent the week cleaning because I knew that the in-laws would have local family around to catch up while we are away. Now I have to clean another bedroom for family to sleep in while my oldest DC gets moved out to my room. AIBU to be annoyed? MIL is staying to care for the children, now she’ll be looking after 3 adults as well (4 if you count DFIL). DH doesn’t understand why I’m annoyed. I don’t understand why everyone has to stay at our house, I was originally told that DMILs brother and his wife would be staying with another family member who lives 5 minutes away from here. DH and I have had a huge blow up about it and we’re aupposed to be leaving for our trip tomorrow.

OP posts:

Pippylou · 04/07/2018 14:09

I'm hyperventilating even thinking about it...

trojanpony · 04/07/2018 14:11

“DH has gone off at me”

He sounds like a total dick I would be cancelling / having an emergency / making life difficult for him.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/07/2018 14:13

Where do these men who make unilateral decision affecting their partners come from?

I can’t imagine DP inviting his extended family to come s stay at our house without discussing it with me and no way would he leave me to clean the house for their arrival.

So OP, you are meant to scrub the house clean before your holiday and on your return.

What is the point of this break? Will you be able to relax?

StaplesCorner · 04/07/2018 14:14

it's as much his house as the OPs but presumably the OP isn't a total dickhead who would install her in laws in every bedroom in the house meaning her kids have to give up their rooms, without asking the person she owns the house with if that was entirely fair and reasonable. Presumably. Because that would be a really dick-ish thing to do.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/07/2018 14:14

I think it's weird that so many posters would rather cancel their first weekend away in 12 years than leave the house uncleaned, which would be the option I'd take.

Honestly, no-one will care how clean your house is, providing it's habitable obviously, they'll just be happy to be getting together with family. Anyway, the sort of people who judge you on your house are not the sort of people whose opinions I, personally, care about, and I suggest you don't too.

Shutupsidney · 04/07/2018 14:16

Never understand this myself. Just say yes. Stop caring if they will judge your cleanliness. Job done.

We let people stay in our house all the time when we go away. First year my DH was a bit unsure. He's unclenched now so all good.

BrexitWife · 04/07/2018 14:18

Yep. The Op’s DH has agreed and he has as much right as she has to invite people in the house.
What is NOT right is to do so wo involving her (because it’s her house too!) and Just letting her know so she can’t have any input.
What is also not right is to increase the cleaning etc.. 10 fold but he isn’t doing any of it of course (and then of course doesn’t see how it could be an issue....)

Basically the issue is that he is taking the OP for granted, does whatever he wants, the way he wants it and expects the OP to just agree to it.

I would be very annoyed at it.

And then I would also be annoyed at the idea that oth my dcs are basically kicked out of their room by people who could have stayed somehwere else...
And the fact that the MIL will have shifted from the dcs to the rest of the family. I woudo be wondering what would be the consequence of that iyswim.
Aka whatnwill happen in the am if they can’t get tontheir toys/stuff because other relatives are sleeping in
What will happen if they want to do xxx but no you can't we will do Because family is there etc....

diddl · 04/07/2018 14:26

"Just letting her know so she can’t have any input."

But she's not even going to be there!

Bar the prep-which her husband should be doing, there's really no impact on Op.

I think it's great that the siblings want time together.

This is the sort of thing I can imagine that I would have got myself in a state about.

Now I think-why bother about such unimportant things?

Pacificwander · 04/07/2018 14:27

You've a DH problem here! Personally I'd either cancel the weekend away or inform mil that extra guests are a no go. That your dcs will be staying in their own rooms. I'd even lock own bedroom too.
If your DH has a problem with you making these new arrangements then he should have discussed the original changes with you instead of MIL.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2018 14:38

Can you afford to completely outsource? Get a cleaner in after - deep clean required otherwise its a quick flick over. Take all linen for full service wash and iron. Arrange for a food delivery for all eaten food. I’m sure your dh will be pissed off when he sees the £300-500 bill. If he won’t help sort the chaos out then you need to use a different language.

coffeeforone · 04/07/2018 14:42

This is the sort of thing my DH would do too! If I were you I wouldn't bother cleaning before you go (as your DH is also happy not to clean). I'd put clean bedding and towels on the beds, and let them make the beds themselves and don't worry about them judging any mess! Then just forget about it - as least you wont have to be there playing host!

Emmasmum2013 · 04/07/2018 14:47

@Strugglingtodomybest it wouldn't be about me leaving the house clean and tidy. I'd want to cancel the weekend away because

I value my privacy and wouldn't want a load of people to have free reign over my house.
I wouldn't want to go away with the man who invited them all to stay without talking it over with me, and then expects me to set up what has essentially become a holiday home for his family. Because he "refuses" to do any housework.

Unless he can somehow redeem himself, tell his mother to tell her brothers and sisters that its not an AirBnB then I'd be seriously considering cancelling.

rookiemere · 04/07/2018 15:06

I agree that the no housework is bad Emmasmum2013 but from the other side, I'd be upset if my spouse wouldn't let my family stay in the house when they were doing us a huge favour by babysitting.

What's really interesting from this thread is how people have completely polar opposite views on the use of their home. Some people see it as their sanctuary and are keen to guard their privacy and ownership, whereas others are comfortable with having visitors - even if its more than anticipated. I don't think either view is wrong - it's a personal view at the end of the day - but hard for others to appreciate if they're at the other end of the spectrum.

Delatron · 04/07/2018 15:09

The point is then, if you are the type to go in to a cleaning frenzy and have a DH who does nothing then yes this is very stressful and not worth it for a weekend away.

Who has a constant supply of clean bedding for that many guests? Towels?

Then when you get back you have to deal with it all. Days of washing and cleaning. They won't do it.

Emmasmum2013 · 04/07/2018 15:12

@rookiemere You're right, it is interesting. I'll bet as well that those who are saying they'd be happy to have the people stay are probably those who also have large close knit families.

I'm like OP and I have a very small family, and we'd never dream of just assuming we can stay at someone else's house while they are away. Especially if we only lived 5 mins away anyway.. it just doesn't make sense to me at all.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/07/2018 15:19

@Emmasmum2013 I'm definitely with you on #2! Very strange to have not mentioned it.

I'll bet as well that those who are saying they'd be happy to have the people stay are probably those who also have large close knit families.

I don't, I have a very small family who tolerate each other. However, I'd have loved a large close knit family so maybe I'm projecting?

Having said that, we have strangers come every summer to dog sit for us, so I know that I don't care about who's in my house.

Alanamackree · 04/07/2018 15:31

No, no and no.
I’d come down with a bout of norovirus and lock myself in the bedroom to binge watch Netflix, leaving DH to mind the dc. In laws can make alternative plans for entertaining as your house will be an infectious no-go zone.

ReservoirDogs · 04/07/2018 15:36

DH made the arrangements so blame him that you weren't told.

DH won't do the cleaning. Don't do it either. Tell MIL you won't have time to prepare for her guests so she will have to!

The kids won't care. When we were little we didn't have guest rooms at all - we all used to muck in when people came to stay.

Andylion · 04/07/2018 15:46

I don’t feel that I can expect my MIL to do it as she will still be a guest in my house,

Except now that she has invited other people she is sort of the host and she should be responsible for seeing to them.

But I would be pissed off to, OP.

BarbedBloom · 04/07/2018 16:02

My children wouldn’t be kicked out of their rooms for a start - they can all sleep in the living room. Your H can do all of the prep since he thinks it is such a great idea. It may be his house too, but it is also yours, which is why I don’t think anyone should be telling someone else what is happening. There should always be a discussion involved. P

auntyflonono · 04/07/2018 17:45

I would cancel, you wont enjoy it now.

WhiteLily83 · 04/07/2018 19:14

I was someone who wouldn’t be bothered. I know my DH has got stressed in the past when I’ve said we are away (with our kids) and my extended family have used our house. In reality I just leave sheets out for them. Also I don’t get the big deal of it all.

I suppose I do have a tight knit extended family

iamawoman · 04/07/2018 21:43

no way would i want a load of relatives, that are parents/ brothers or sisters staying in my home when i wasnt there.....god all that extra cleaning and they will be nosing through your things no doubt as that is what people do......

rookiemere · 04/07/2018 21:51

I don’t have a big extended family.

I suppose though perhaps one of the reasons I don’t mind folk staying is that I’m not terribly houseproud.

Don’t get me wrong the carpets are hoovered, the bathroom cleaned ( by the cleaner) but if people are expecting 5 star hotel standards then they will be disappointed and if they are then they can stay elsewhere in future.

Not particularly keen on visitors using our bedroom, but other than that I’m pretty chilled about it.

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