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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About a visitors when DH and I are away

99 replies

WheresYouWheelieBin · 04/07/2018 12:02

DH and I are going away for a long weekend, the first time we’ve been away together for more than a night at a time since we had our DCs (oldest is 12). DH’s parents are coming to stay to look after the DCs, they are staying in the guest room as they normally do when they visit. Last week I found out that DMIL’s sister is also coming to stay and will be sleeping in one of the DCs rooms so that child will be sleeping in my room. Now I find out that DMILs brother and his wife are also coming to stay and will be sleeping in the other DC’s room, so that child will also be sleeping in my room. Both DCs will have to use my bathroom as there will now be 5 adults using the other bathroom (which they usually use). I have not been asked about these visitors, I’ve been told by DH that they are visiting and he worked out sleeping arrangements with the in-laws. I’ve spent the week cleaning because I knew that the in-laws would have local family around to catch up while we are away. Now I have to clean another bedroom for family to sleep in while my oldest DC gets moved out to my room. AIBU to be annoyed? MIL is staying to care for the children, now she’ll be looking after 3 adults as well (4 if you count DFIL). DH doesn’t understand why I’m annoyed. I don’t understand why everyone has to stay at our house, I was originally told that DMILs brother and his wife would be staying with another family member who lives 5 minutes away from here. DH and I have had a huge blow up about it and we’re aupposed to be leaving for our trip tomorrow.

OP posts:
SoftBallSophie · 04/07/2018 13:10

It seems MIL has turned babysitting for the weekend into the chance to have a house party.

The emphasis will not be on your DC, who not only will be missing their parents but they will also be turned out if their own bedrooms and have to put up with a houseful of adults.

It's unfair on them (and you too, having to get the house ready for guests)

I'd probably bin the idea of a weekend away, it just wouldn't be worth all the hassle and upsetting the DC.

rookiemere · 04/07/2018 13:12

Presumably you don’t live in a cesspit so I’d not bother cleaning the other bedroom beyond the basics.
Last visit we had from SIL when we weren’t there - there’s a specific reason why they need to come to stay a couple of times a year- I asked them to make up and strip the beds as there are quite a few of them and they seemed happy enough to do it. That made a big difference when coming home from a trip not to have to do that.

Having said that I’m not overly precious about what people think of my cleaning. They are getting a free bed and clean sheets and there are no obvious cleanliness issues , then I’m good. If they are unhappy with dust on the skirting board then perhaps a hotel would be a better option for them

Let them stay your ILs are doing childcare but don’t bust a gut on any extra preparation

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 04/07/2018 13:19

No, nope, noppity, NO ! So many levels of no-ness. I expect he thinks you’ll be feeling unencumbered, relaxed and it’ll be sexy - time too. GinWineFlowers Apply liberally as appropriate. Step away from the cleaning supplies : spend time hiding personal stuff instead - drop off to a trusted friends house. Feels less like a favour more like an invasion.

WhiteLily83 · 04/07/2018 13:22

Am I the only one who isn’t actually fussed? Ask DH to stick clean sheets on the beds. The family of however many adults are there can do the tidying themselves.

Go away and enjoy yourselves. Great for the kids to interact with their extended family!

Tulipsinbloom · 04/07/2018 13:28

For me its not even about the cleaning or the sheet washing, its the having people you didn't invite staying in your house and the OP's husband and mother deciding this between themselves without a thought about how she might feel.

diddl · 04/07/2018 13:29

I'm thinking that this might be a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation.
If I have understood there is only one extra bedroom being used to what was planned?

All the adults are capable of cleaning/tidying after themselves so there's just one extra set of bedding to deal with?

RhiWrites · 04/07/2018 13:29

DH won’t do any cleaning

I find these statements completely enraging. Angry why the fuck not? Because he has a penis? He’s certainly a big enough knob.

sexnotgender · 04/07/2018 13:33

He won't do any cleaning? Well then I suggest two can play that game!

Is he always such a selfish manchild?

CanaBanana · 04/07/2018 13:34

I wouldn't be happy at all. Especially about DC being put out of their bedrooms, without my consent, for people I haven't invited to sleep in their rooms. Under these circumstances I'd be cancelling the weekend away to teach DH a lesson. Your ILs are CFs for inviting their own guests to your home!

Bekabeech · 04/07/2018 13:35

Sorry but I would be going for that weekend on my own and leaving your "H" to sort it out.

You don't have an IL problem but a H problem. And yes he can clean.

Surfingwhippet · 04/07/2018 13:37

Hmm am i the only person thinking football Saturday afternoon

FinallyHere · 04/07/2018 13:40

DH won’t do any cleaning

Then why is he agreeing to visitors without consulting you? This is absolutely a DH problem, nothing to do with the visitors. Oh, and in your shoes I'd get a cleaner, a really good one and not discuss that with him.

rookiemere · 04/07/2018 13:41

Whitelily83 - I'm kind of with you, perhaps its because I'm not overly precious about who is staying in my house - have done house-swaps before, often have relatives staying and recently had to decamp to a spare single room whilst US relatives took our bedroom because futon was too uncomfy for them.

ILs are doing a big favour looking after the DCs, yes if they hadn't pre-agreed that others would stay it's a bit of a faux pas - but perhaps they either discussed it with the DH or assumed that as OP wasn't there she wouldn't mind.
Also OP said that these other visitors would need looking after, thus diluting attention for her DCs. Well they are all adults I believe so capable of looking after themselves.

It would be a real shame to cancel a weekend away because of this.

teaandtoast · 04/07/2018 13:42

I'd be cancelling the weekend away.

Fivelittleduckies · 04/07/2018 13:48

YANBU - Seems pretty disrespectful on every level really

Seasawride · 04/07/2018 13:48

You know what op I would be furious that it wasn’t discussed with me first.

I would phone mil and tell her it’s not happening as you don’t want people stopping wen you arnt there and don’t want your kids to b in your bed. If she doesn’t like it and won’t babysit I would go away for the weekend by myself.

He won’t clean indeed!!! I don’t bloody think so.

Whipsmart · 04/07/2018 13:50

How weird! Is this a cultural thing? I can't imagine asking someone to house/babysit and have them invite a bunch of other people to stay with them.

jumblefun2 · 04/07/2018 13:54

The problem is your DH

Plumsofwrath · 04/07/2018 13:56

I agree with pp. Your kids are going to stay in their kids’ rooms, and the adults are going to sleep in your adult room with adult bed and adult bathroom.

If this was the price to pay for a weekend away, it wouldn’t be worth it for me. I’d cancel. The mood at Home would be fucking awful though, and the fallout with in laws even worse. He’s done a real number in you, your DH. There’s no way you can come out of this without looking uptight.

Does your room have a lock on it?

Oakmaiden · 04/07/2018 13:57

Seems pretty disrespectful on every level really

But why? ILs are doing OP and DH a huge favour and asked DH if a couple of other family members could stay over too. DH said yes.

I don't see why all the angst. Children will probably have a great time with their extended family, it is adults staying so its not like they will be using the premises disrespectfully. The only real issue is the cleaning - I would just leave a pile of sheets on the end of one of the beds - I think they would get the hint.

Delatron · 04/07/2018 13:58

He won't clean and if he did a token clean it would be you cleaning the toilets, washing bedding, making sure there is enough towels etc. Then clearing it all up and doing all that washing when you get back.

I'd just cancel.

Plumsofwrath · 04/07/2018 13:59

Actually, thinking about it, maybe the solution is to tell MIL you don’t want her hosting people in your home, don’t have time to prepare for it and would rather she didn’t spend her time getting your house ready for her guests. Say it in such a way that she’s left in no doubt that you simply don’t want these extra people in your house. Tell her the original plan you agreed to (extras staying five minutes away) is the best one. I’d go so far as to say that if that didn’t work for her, you’d be left with no choice but to cancel your holiday. Put it back on her and DH.

mrsm43s · 04/07/2018 14:01

I dunno. The OPs DH agreed - it's as much his house as the OPs, and I don't see why her wants automatically trump his. (I'd be livid if my DH told me I wasn't allowed to let my relatives stay in his house, and I wouldn't be expecting to ask his permission). DP/MIL should absolutely be doing any prep/cleaning through, just not OPs job.

I would think that it would lovely for the children to spend the weekend with some of their extended family. My guess is that the ILs are proud of their grandchildren, and just want to show them off.

I'd be boxing up any private/sensitive info, and putting it the loft, but beyond that I'd just let them crack on with it, and hope they all have a wonderful weekend. But I'm not very territorial, or a my children, my rules type, and I love the relationship my children have with both my and DHs family.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/07/2018 14:03

I would just cancel the weekend away TBH. I couldn't bear to have all those people in my home while I was away.

My thoughts precisely.

diddl · 04/07/2018 14:09

"The OPs DH agreed - it's as much his house as the OPs, "

I agree-it's his aunts & uncles who are staying.

Presumably he knows them!

Him not doing any prep towards it though-whole other issue!