Aibu to not trust my childs grandparents?

[Wolfpac]

My husbands parents are lovely people however they think they are always right and never listen to my rules and "suggest" things to me as if I didn't know anything. His dad also does things such as holds my baby by the arms when I tell him not to and try to feed her crap and his mum is a know it all. I have never let them baby sit my 9 month because of this. Aibu to not trust them to babysit or should I relax a little with my rules that i think are common sense for everyone?

What does your h think? And what do you mean by hold him by the arms?

He now agrees with me NOW he is grabbing her by the arms (she is a very small baby) holding her up in the air by her arms. She's very squirmy so if she all of a sudden decides to move quickly the first reaction anyone would have when they are holding a baby that way is most likely to pull them up by the arms which would hurt her.

If they can't keep her safe and feed her properly, then they don't get to babysit.

I can remember many children having dislocated shoulders,when i was younger (I'm 50). Likewise head injuries from the throwing up in the air of young babies.

The advice changed,people became aware and the injuries lessened. As did those on stairs and fires. A lot of the injuries that toddlers go to A&E with, are easily prevented with better supervision, safety equipment or just not doing things that don't need to be done.

Later on, around three years old, give a bit of leeway with food.

I speak as a very hands-on Nan, but one that goes with what my DD wants and what's best for my Grandchildren.

Also, my eldest DD sounds a similar personality and my DD gave her a chance, then stopped her babysitting, until she did what was needed, such as my GD wearing socks under sandals, which meant blisters. She now realises that if she doesn't look after her, as she needs to be, then she doesn't have her. My DD has relented on the odd happy meal, though.

I was once holding my son's hand and he stumbled so I pulled him to stop him falling and his elbow dislocated - and then it happened again, so we knew not to swing him by him arms ever. I wouldn't have known before this happened though (he is now 31). My older son had been swung by his arms for fun more times than I could remember. Grandparents should remember that they are never too old to learn.

It’s very hard and we have a similar situation although mine are older now.

They recently stayed with them and the two things we said were don’t do a long car journey as they can be distracting in the car if you’re not used to driving with a 5 and 7 year old (and the GPs don’t normally do a lot of long drives) and also please don’t let them unsupervised on the (grandparents). iPad.

So they took them on a long drive and my 7 year old comes home full of stories about various pop stars that he has read about on the internet.

Could have been worse and no real harm done except that I now don’t trust them to follow the pretty simple and straightforward rules/suggestions that we set.

They’re supposed to be staying with them again next week and my DH and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary and I feel that even if I say anything it’s just going to be ignored.

I get where you are coming from. It’s not like your 9 month old can advocate for herself. No one has to have your child alone unless you want them to, I’d hang fire til you feel more relaxed. Sure it will come as she gets older and more robust.

I struggle with my in laws too. They want and offer to help but their style of interaction and parenting with my two DS are a million miles away from mine.

Also the first time they took my SIL’s daughter out for a walk in her pram (maybe about 2 month old?) SIL asked that they brought her back after 30 minutes. 1.5 hours and refusing to answer their phone later, they strolled back in. They think it’s hilarious... so I don’t trust them!

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. I feel so much better about the way I'm feeling. I really do feel bad about them not getting the time that they really want with my darling. This is their first GC and I think they feel as If it's their right to take care of her and sometimes have a frustrated tone when they ask to take her somewhere or do something as simple as changing her diaper or feeding her which I always refuse! I know those are small issues but I can't help the way I feel! Gives me major anxiety everytime they come over but they are my in laws so I have to see them at some point just wish they would listen rather than shrug it off!

I didn't let my MIL take care of my DC for years because I couldn't trust her. She eventually came around and now has them whenever she wants (not that that is often but I certainly no longer feel worried about it because we both know that the very few rules we have related to things like allergies and not being fed alcohol are followed or they don't go back).

Mind you they always have to put their two cents in and state the obvious to which I just smile and agree to be nice but the comments can get really annoying. They are never around and I have taken care or my DD from birth all my myself with no help except for when my DH comes home from work or on weekends so I think I have most things figured out. If not I will learn the way I want to learn. Could just be my stubborn nature but I have always been the type to want to figure things out on my own and want no help. Also they are a bit upset still that I wanted no visitors at the hospital when DD was born. I wanted it to just be me and DH for the first few days then visitors afterwards. They had the idea that as soon as she was born the whole family could come up to the hospital but I'm very private and wanted to figure out this baby on my own as we all know they dont come with a baby manual! But each to their own I guess my DH should have told them ahead of time that I didn't want any visitors rather than the day she was born!

YANBU. Any adult that I couldn't fully trust with my child wouldn't get to have them alone.

My MIL and her DH used to occasionally have DS when he was a baby. One time they came and picked him up, I showed them how to do the car seat etc. When they returned the straps were done up under his arms so the top part of his body was completely loose. Their car was a very small, basically cardboard box of a car as well. When I pointed out the straps, MIL just said "oh well, we can't be expected to remember everything" in a tone that really showed she couldn't have cared less. I didn't let them take him in the car again as I didn't trust them to take his safety seriously. If they had been in an accident (and they would have travelled on a 70mph road), DS would have been flung from his seat. She literally couldn't have given a toss. She doesn't like to be told anything either.

My IL were the same - worse even as if I said don't do something MIL went out of her way to do it - even stupidly dangerous stuff. DH did back me up but they ignored him too.

I had to ensure they werenver left with them - which was harder than you think as they kept trying to orchestrated situation where they took eldest off - MIL especially had to be watched one time nipped to loo she was out back door with Bf baby no one knew where they were came back hours after feed time baby red bummed as needed nappy change for ages – wasn’t only time.

They improved with time.

Family friend with same age baby was allowed to know everything and corrected them a few times, social circle shifted away from people saying DIl is evil ignore - to more people who had more experience of children who were aghast at some of their ideas and stories. They got more used to concering the children more generally and stoped acting like DH and I knew nothing about our own children.

If anything they are over caution now – we often have to point out children’s ages and that the task is perfectly normal thing for them to do and DH often reminds them he was doing it years before our kids are.

I have yet to let them babysit on their own so I think they are wondering why they aren't allowed to. They have even bought a car seat from their own doing thinking I would let them take her out. I have never left her side since the day she was born. I dont want to insult them by telling them what they are doing is wrong which is why I'm glad dh has stood up for me this time but their answer back to him was written in a very sarcastic tone which gives me another reason to not allow them to babysit! All your stories are quite similar to my life! Must be an IL thing haha

When she was a newborn they would tell me things they want to do with her as if she's a trophy. Might just be their excitement of finally having a grandchild but I was (and still am) in no rush to let them alone with my little darling even if they wanted to take her for a walk in the pram! It was a no from me! I feel really mean for thinking this though :(

My IL kitted out an entire room out and got shitty they weren't allowed DD1 overnight - she was bf and co-sleeping for god’s sake and they live over hour and half away.

I did worry they seem to see DD1 as more of a object to show of than a baby with needs - that improved as DD1 started to talk and started to be able to demand things. They just didn’t pick up any of the babies cues.

We did give in and let them take DD1 out for a walk by themselves - wasn't doing us any favours at all for their benefit - went for hours and didn't answer mobiles and friends saw them leaving DD1 outside the shops something we'd asked them not to do ever. She was five before we let MIL have a planned trip with DD1 without us there - she managed a few disappear acts before that though FIL wasn't pleased by them either.

Bigkiteflying exactly! I know it's their first but I'm very private I have limited photos of her on social media and they took great offence when I told them I dont want them putting her photos on their pages for people I dont even know on their friends list to see.
Some woman,when asked if they need a hand doing something their response is "no its okay" but they actually want the help but dont want to trouble anyone- I'm the type of woman that I actually really DO NOT want any help I would rather do things by myself when I say "no its okay"i mean it.
It seems like the IL dont realise she's not a toy or an object she is a baby and relies on us greatly so knowing the baby cues is a must which is like your IL they seem like they have no clue most of the time they laugh it off. I take parenting very seriously as all you woman do but again I dont think they do. They raised their kids, let me raise mine without the obnoxious, critical behaviour.

Your ILs sound very much like my ex ILs, the moment my DS was born they wanted to claim him as their own prized possession. I was having problems bonding with him after a difficult & traumatic birth, they wouldn't leave us alone so I could have time to get to know him & bond, my ex SIL came round one day when I had nipped upstairs for something & asked ex DH if she could have DS for half an hour, ex DH said that it was ok & she took him round to ex PIL's, I came back down to find him gone, she hadn't taken nappies or bottles for him, he was probably only 10 weeks or so old, three hours later she still hadn't brought him back, I was frantic & had to have a full on argument with DH to get him to ring & demand DS was brought home immediately. It took nearly an hour for her to bring him home (ex ILs only lived round corner) I went ballistic with her, he was wet through, was sick as ex MIL had been giving him solid crap that he was too young to be having. We had a party & my DM caught ex MIL feeding him quiche, he had an egg allergy, she mentioned to ex MIL that DS shouldn't be having any egg products & got told ex MIL "didn't believe in allergies, only that he didn't like eggs as he hadn't been allowed to eat them" my DM picked him up & kept him with her until I came back from serving food. The whole six years I was part of their family was a nightmare once DS was born, my happiest day was when I decided my marriage was over & DS & I moved out away from them.

Nat6999 happy you chose to leave that family. Your son definitely deserves better. They dont seem to take anything seriously. 10 weeks is definitely too young to be away from mum for that long!
Yes my Fil thinks it's funny to try to feed others kids chocolate, cream or sugar anything to annoy the kids parents but no one would say anything to him to stop him. So when I put my foot down they take offence to it and think I'm controlling. They aren't the ones that have to deal with our babies upset tummies.

My MIL makes a point of saying I'm spoiling my son and making life a lot harder for him by not letting other people look after him - by this she means her.

I have had his auntie baby sit for a couple of hours about 5 times but PIL are elderly and in no state to look after my baby. Also her attitude towards me makes me let her see him less and less as she is always making some dig about my parenting.

To be honest you do sound a bit mean

I get that you take issue with some of their behaviour - but honestly I feel sad for your DH and his parents.

Your “darling” is also your DH darling and his parents sound excited to be a part of her life. You are just completely refusing them any oppprtunity to bond with their grandchild. Why shouldn’t they be able to change a diaper or walk her in the pram. They don’t sound so horrible that they can’t be trusted to care for a child they so clearly seem to want to spend time with. It’s sad that you label that as them thinking she is a trophy - they sound like regular excited and proud grandparents imo...

And with regards to not letting them meet their firstborn grandchild for a several days after birth... I think that’s also sad.

I just feel sad for how cut out they are and feel that you are being unnecessarily overly controlling l

I completely understand where you're coming from! I could've written this myself.
I live 200 miles from my family and my OH's parents are the only family/babysitters my DS has where we live. So I've had no choice but to try and relax with them looking after him.
They wanted to take him out and all sorts when he was first born and I point blank refused. Now that he's 8 month I'm back at work and they have him 2 days a week (that's all I can bare for them to have him!)
They don't have a car seat so can't take him far, I pack his bag so precisely that they have everything they need so no need to use anything else. I know they would never intentionally hurt him but it's been over 30 years since they've even been near a baby and a lot has changed.. yet they think they're the experts! I have to just bite my tongue if they give any unwelcome advice. Thankfully my OH is on my side with a lot of things and so will tell them what's what.

My advice to you is (try) and relax. You don't want this to cause a wedge in between you all. It's so difficult and I really do get it!
What I did was allow them an hour at a time and just built it up. My MIL still does things in ways I don't like but she absolutely dotes in him so she might put extra blankets on him or not give him a nap at a certain time etc but he is safe and with people he loves

Thanks for your opinion fivelittleduckies. Yes I know I may sound mean and probably a bit controlling hence why I wrote this post to see if I'm just being silly for the way I think or if others agree.
It was not "several" days after they met my DD I wanted some time to bond with my baby at the hospital as well as the first day we came home. I carried her for 10 months so I feel like I need to be selfish and have that bonding time with her as did my DH think as well. There was a lot of other factors as to why I didn't want ANY visitors at the hospital and also their stubbornness to not visit when we were ready for visitors.
And yes I know they are just excited about their first grandchild but could following some rules be too much to ask?

It just sounds as though you’re being excessively restrictive is all... surely there would be no harm in allowing them greater involvement while you’re there? They are her grandparents and you are also denying your dd the opportunity to develop a Relationship with them too.

Obviously I don’t know your full situation nor any of the people involved . Maybe they are very horrible people. But from the information you’ve shared I feel you are being unfair.

They did raise your DH - surely they can’t be the worst at caring for a child?

Thanks tinykirst! Yes my IL live over an hour away from us and FIL is working some days but when they both aren't I think they almost expect to let them take care of DD.
I totally agree with you. Some things I do let slide which can be hard but other times I just need to say it so they dont do it again with them being the way they are they do take things to heart. I do feel awful but I can't help the way I feel.
And yes agree again with MIL thinking she knows a lot. A lot has changed in the past 30 years some old wives tales are still handy today but others just need to stay in the past!

I agree completely with @Fivelittleduckies

Do you want to be part of an extended family or not? Because the way you're carrying on I would assume not.