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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not trust my childs grandparents?

69 replies

Wolfpac · 04/07/2018 11:06

My husbands parents are lovely people however they think they are always right and never listen to my rules and "suggest" things to me as if I didn't know anything. His dad also does things such as holds my baby by the arms when I tell him not to and try to feed her crap and his mum is a know it all. I have never let them baby sit my 9 month because of this. Aibu to not trust them to babysit or should I relax a little with my rules that i think are common sense for everyone?

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Wildernessie · 05/07/2018 04:53

Wolfpac-totally agree-im the "no thanks im fine"type&110%mean just that.. completely resented my overbearing ILs&their 1950's views on just about everything rammed down my throat from minute i was preggers-from forcing alcohol on me at every opportunity to giving me things to eat people dont do anymore ..fortunately ended up having DC overseas&just had2tolerate her/him on infrequent visits back-even then it was do everything i explicitly ask them not too&then some:ice cream&sprinkes for bfast..horrid sticky lollipops&other crap coz thats wat all the grandkids ate &the worse-fizzy drinks at every meal tv for hours on end(they seemed to have an aversion to fresh air apart ftom trips to Maccas)..11yrs on&all the other grandkids have teeth removed&multiple fillings&mine(bought up to brush teeth&eat better)are cavity free with really good health.So glad i was doin it all on my own my way-just not worth the stress for an occasional coupla hours alone.

Original poster

Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 05:00

Wildernessie- definitely their old fashioned views was always rammed down my throat everytime we saw them from the moment they found out I was pregnant. I guess when DD is older and she goes to their house I may ease up a bit for now I want to do things my way without being questioned!

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ReggaetonLente · 05/07/2018 07:50

The unsolicited advice can be very annoying especially when she just states the obvious.

SIL does this. While I was pregnant she earnestly told me that their heads are soft when they’re born, so don’t drop them or let them fall off a table.

Yes, thanks for that. I’m so glad you warned me.

PramCush · 05/07/2018 09:05

Wolfpac - you carried your baby for 10 months? A medical marvel! Perhaps you have a tendancy towards the hyperbolic?

Tvci5 · 05/07/2018 09:37

Most of you sound so petty, i bet its a differant rule for your own parents. Where are your other halfs in this, they sound so weak. My inlaws do things differently to me but i could never treat them so poorly. Such a shame the grandparent relasonship is so special.

KneesupGaston · 05/07/2018 09:52

They sound like normal grandparents and you sound like a normal pfb Mum. Let them spoil their grandchild like I'm sure your grandparents spoiled you. Indulge them by listening to their advice now and then, you never know some of it might be useful. This child is not your possession but a member of a wider family.

Fivelittleduckies · 05/07/2018 10:16

Indeed it sounds like you just don’t like them and are very stubbornly set in your own ways.

Ironically you comment how much they refuse to be told what to do... I find that a little hypocritical really given that you flat out refuse to even give them a say/opinion.

Yes you are the mother but their role in your daughters life is also an important one and from what you explain of them it doesn’t really sound as though they are incompetent neglectful people for you to be so unwilling to let them be involved more...

Original poster

Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 10:49

A lot of the time when things are said or done I dont say anything to DH so he doesnt start what would eventually cause an argument. And no my grandparents have done horrible things so no need to make assumptions about my life apart from what you know in this thread.
My job is to protect my DD so when I feel she isn't safe or I dont trust the people she should be alone with then I won't let them be around her alone. Their say or opinion is usually deameaning remarks towards me that I let go most of the time to avoid an argument. I think they can spend time at my house or with me around my DD without needing to "be alone" with her. Especially if I dont trust them

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Nanny0gg · 05/07/2018 10:58

I don't know what you've come on here to ask.

You've made your mind up. Some of your concerns are legitimate. Some much less so, but as you don't like the ILs nothing they can say or do will ever be right.

BTW, how soon did your parents meet your baby?

Original poster

Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 11:02

when DH went away last week for a day they said "how would you cope without him" the same way I would cope when I'm with her 24/7...

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Nicknacky · 05/07/2018 11:03

To be honest, I don’t think it would matter what they say. It sounds like you would find fault in it.

That’s just a throwaway comment people make when a parent goes away.

Fivelittleduckies · 05/07/2018 11:06

I don't know what you've come on here to ask.

I agree... it feels like you just want to feel justified in your vitriol towards your in laws they honestly don’t sound like horrible people and you sound ultra sensitive to anything they say/do and ultra protective of your daughter.

Perhaps the back story that you haven’t shared informs the reasons behind this more? But based on what you’ve shared I feel YABU

bigKiteFlying · 05/07/2018 11:55

I guess when DD is older and she goes to their house I may ease up a bit for now I want to do things my way without being questioned!

Unwanted advice -just smile and nod and try and let it roll off you. It's good practise when you go out in public later and complete strangers do the same.

I know it's easier said than done. Personally I found it better not to bite my tongue every time but cheerfully disagree or generally say something so I didn't dwell - other friends with similar issues found nodding and ignoring and doing what they were going to anyway best.

If you’re not happy letting them have your DC alone yet - don't but still see them with you around and intervene if you feel they aren't being careful and calmly explain your concerns - evoke HV or GP as source of why it’s dangerous if necessary or if you can use humour to defuse situation but make the point.

Neither IL nor my family were pleased about me BF – but by third DC they seem to give up trying to influence Dh and me – I tired numerous approaches prior to that but nothing stopped the comments – so had to find a way to deal with them so I wasn’t one stress out and angry.

Going forward pick your battles -I refused to wean early despite pressure from IL and my own parents but once they were fine with food occasional treat from GP or even occasional weekends with less than healthy food.

lazyminimoo · 05/07/2018 14:33

Yes thats very bad them ignoring you straight after you told them not too. are they trying to annoy you it seems like they are

lazyminimoo · 05/07/2018 14:36

I dont feel bad for them if they do stuff like that maybe they dont even want to babysit really or they would adjust and do as you asked , its not hard not just listen to simple things like no hot chips c,mon they arent bothered really

Original poster

Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 14:38

Lazyminimoo yes they do it on purpose because they think it's funny especially FIL.

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Original poster

Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 14:42

Exactly there are ways to spend time with DD without pissing off her parents. This is why I have held back from letting them babysit or go out alone with her because I dont know what they would do when I'm not watching. It could simply be the case of them just wanting to get a reaction out of me while I am watching- and if they do get her alone they may act totally different and be more cautious. So its the unknown of what they would do if i do let them watch her by themselves. If they wanted to earn my trust they would first of all follow my rules because at the moment I dont trust them.

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Original poster

Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 14:45

My own parents are a different story they didn't get to meet her until she was almost 5 months and even now they only visit for an hour then leave but they have no interest in looking after her by themselves anyway they have almost 11 grandkids so they raised their babies so now they feel it's their kids time to raise their own babies. Of course they would help my siblings if needed but they never would interfere or want to take DD or any other grandchild out by themselves. That's just their personality though.

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Original poster

Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 14:50

Nicknacky they find faults with anything I say too. If I wanted advice from them then I would ask for it. They even try to get me to give her nuts after I told them many times I dont want to give her nuts until she can talk they just keep going on about what they think is right. The unsolicited, common sense advice they give I don't want to hear. So yes I will continue to just nod and agree and do what I normally do and let DH handle them how he feels necessary.

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