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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not trust my childs grandparents?

69 replies

Wolfpac · 04/07/2018 11:06

My husbands parents are lovely people however they think they are always right and never listen to my rules and "suggest" things to me as if I didn't know anything. His dad also does things such as holds my baby by the arms when I tell him not to and try to feed her crap and his mum is a know it all. I have never let them baby sit my 9 month because of this. Aibu to not trust them to babysit or should I relax a little with my rules that i think are common sense for everyone?

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Nanny0gg · 04/07/2018 15:31

And yes agree again with MIL thinking she knows a lot. A lot has changed in the past 30 years some old wives tales are still handy today but others just need to stay in the past!

They're not all 'old wives' tales'. I know some things have changed and I have followed my DC's rules and guidance. But some things haven't changed and I managed to raise my children without killing them.

I think you don't like them very much and you're determined to keep your distance from them. I'm glad I don't have the same relationship with my DiL. I'd be devastated.

rockcakesrock · 04/07/2018 15:32

Your absolute first priority is to keep your child safe. That trumps any desire of others to be involved in their lives.

i have lots of GCs ranging between 25 and 2. So much about raising babies had changed when the first was born, even more now. It amazing me how many of my age group, moan about not being ‘allowed’ near the GCs. Then in the next breath are belittling the parents and dismissing modern day parenting rules. Even boasting about doing things their own way. They cannot seem to grasp the correlation between their behaviour and the lack of contact.

My own mother, back in the 60s, said that sterilising bottles was rubbish. I saw her take the bottles out of the steriliser and wash them in the bowl that she had just used for washing up after a roast dinner. I had no courage to stand up her, but took the baby home straight after. She was never allowed to have them at her house without me after that.

Original poster
Wolfpac · 04/07/2018 15:41

Yes you're right fivelittleduckies. They won't be here forever so this is why I'm having such a hard time even thinking the way I do. I certainly do wish I could just let some things slide but a lot of the time we visit they are simply being careless which does sometimes hurt DD these situations could be avoided if they were being more attentive. Children will have bumps and bruises at some point while exploring but at times DD has been put into unsafe zones. The thread I have created is for this particular issue I have though. Again they are lovely people (and yes I'm probably making it out to be as if they are dangling DD from the rooftop hence why I hate messaging as the tone can be taken out of context) but I do want some respect from them. I have no confronted them in anyway over how I feel as I know it will cause a bigger issue hence why I wanted to let me feelings out in this thread so I can see different opinions. Thank you once again fivelittleduckies It may not seem like it but I really am trying!

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Fivelittleduckies · 04/07/2018 15:48

Maybe it’s best if your DH becomes involved in setting the boundaries then?

Eg. If you don’t want PIL feeding DD then DH can be the one to confront his parents about it in a gentle way?

It sounds like DH is supportive of you and your wishes and this way you don’t need to feel so stressed about the situation and setting the rules or confronting your PIL

But I think that maybe you could relax with some aspects of their involvement where your DD safety is really not in question and give them a chance too?

Just some ideas but you of course need to do what feels right for you and your DH

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2018 15:51

My own mother, back in the 60s, said that sterilising bottles was rubbish.

Bottles were most definitely sterilized in the 60s. So that was her personal uninformed decision.

user1499173618 · 04/07/2018 15:52

I remember one of my uncles throwing my baby sister in the air, and my maternal grandfather would grab us and swing us around when we were children. I hated this - the horrid memories of people who really didn’t mean any harm are quite difficult - and we now know this sort of behaviour to be totally inappropriate and dangerous. Perhaps your PILs need some FIRM updating?

Original poster
Wolfpac · 04/07/2018 15:53

Yes rockcakesrock. Things like that get totally disregarded as if their way is better. If I could confront them without them being upset or getting defensive then I would unfortunately this is how IL are.

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Original poster
Wolfpac · 04/07/2018 16:01

Yes DH has set boundaries but they got offended instead

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Confusedbeetle · 04/07/2018 16:02

I am a grandparent of 10 and cannot understand grandparents who think they "have a right" to have sole care, babysit etc. Of course, a first-time mother feels like this especially when the in-laws are doing stupid things and going against your wishes. As she gets older it will be less of an issue. Grandparents must follow the mother's wishes entirely, and earn their trust. It is a privilege to see your grandchildren, not a right. Also, your daughter will get more robust and able to say what she wants

Original poster
Wolfpac · 04/07/2018 16:06

user1499173618 believe me I have told them many times it literally goes in one ear and out the other.
Yes I remember my uncles doing that to my brother and it didn't look fun for him at all!

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Original poster
Wolfpac · 04/07/2018 16:10

Thanks ConfusedBeetle. My thoughts exactly. I dont have to hand over my child to anyone just because they are family and think it's their right to have them in their care. Trust is definitely what they haven't earnt at the moment so until then I will just wait until they realise that. I understand waiting so long to have a GC and then finally getting one can be exciting but they can be excited as well as knowing when to take a step back a listen for once.

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ReggaetonLente · 04/07/2018 17:30

We have the same issue, I can’t trust MIL to keep DC safe. She almost sees her laxness as a badge of honour and often says things like ‘well no harm came to my children’. Which isn’t true - DH was hospitalised twice as a child due to avoidable accidents, including when he was rescued after swimming in a lake unsupervised aged 3. BIL went mad a few months ago after she encouraged their children to play in a building site, and took pictures of them sitting in the scoop of a digger.

She also strongly advocates hitting children as punishment, and tells me that next time she has DC alone she’ll pierce her ears.

As a result she doesn’t have DC alone.

It’s her choice. I don’t feel guilty.

Ozgirl75 · 04/07/2018 20:28

My in laws also used to do that weird thing of taking the baby out for “an hour” - arranging a time and place to meet and then just not turning up and refusing to answer their phone.

I assumed at the time it was to try to get me to relax and chill out but in fact made it the total opposite. But it was their loss as I just always said no when they asked to take him after it had happened a couple of times.

I just find it so rude to totally disregard what the parent has said, especially because in lots of ways I let them do what they like.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/07/2018 21:20

I agree with confused beetle, I don't get why grandparents feel they can only bond with grandchildren by spending time alone with them.

Original poster
Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 02:46

Exactly in my eyes they can still spend time with DD while I'm here they have told me they want to take her to see their friends and go to the mall when they get her alone. Again I know they are just excited but I feel there is no need to do that. Surely they would understand the feeling when they had their kids but then again they had plenty of help raising their kids so they almost expected for me to allow them to be around 24/7.
Reggaetonlente if i ever found out they planned to pierce my DD ears without telling I would he absolutely livid! That to me alone would suggest they are trying to tick you off on purpose. That is disgusting and rude if they pierced your DCs ears!

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Original poster
Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 02:51

And yes I know of quite a few incidents where avoidable accidents have happened to their children and they had an "oh well" attitude.
Ozgirl75 yes trying to do things to make me relax a bit doesn't work either just makes me more anxious!

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Original poster
Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 03:06

I assume when they see other grandparents taking their grandkids out for the day or going alone out to lunch and see It being splashed on social media they think they should be able to do that also.
My reasoning for them not to be actually alone with DD, stems from other issues as well that I have not stated so this is why i just can't bring myself to let them take care of DD.
My parents I have expressed how I want to learn how to do things on my own being it my first child and they completely understand. They never give unsolicited advice unless I ask them a question. Mil has always wanted to state her opinion even when I do explain the way I want to do things my way is always wrong. The unsolicited advice can be very annoying especially when she just states the obvious. I have tried to just be nice about it but after many unsuccessful attempts of DH trying to tell them nicely he has finally been abrupt with them and telling them that what they are doing is annoying and has now made them defensive with their actions.

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PintOfMineralWater · 05/07/2018 03:31

"well no harm came to my children"

I really hate that attitude, it just shows how low some set the bar for parenting, when simply not harming or killing your child is seen as a measure of success.

I remember gritting my teeth when DC1 was a baby, eight months or so, and MIL sat in the back of the car with her popping raisins into her mouth. She was lying on her back (the baby, not MIL) and I kept asking her to stop. "Oh it's fine, don't worry," she said in an "aren't you ridiculous" tone.

That very night, she told us a story about how SIL started choking in the car as a baby and she'd had to stop on the motorway and run around and save her life. She'd been eating grapes! My mouth was hanging open at the lack of self awareness.

But SIL lived to tell the tale, so all good. Hmm

lazyminimoo · 05/07/2018 03:52

I understand why you would not let them have her if they think its ok to swing her by her arms and wont listen that its bad, Seems pretty strange they wont listen though, apart from things like that though I feel for grandparents who cant babysit or anything with their grandkids, I know if my son has children one day Id like to babysit

TheMythicalChicken · 05/07/2018 04:06

I don't trust my in laws. They tend to ignore the DC and hardly ever interact with them. DS had a nasty accident when they were meant to be looking after him. I let it go, but then recently DD fell off a wall because they left her unsupervised in the front garden. She's 5. I was furious but didn't say anything.

I have made a mental note never to let them look after the DC again. To be fair, they're not really interested in them anyway. They were interested in DS, but then the golden child SIL had a baby and the PIL dropped us like a hot potato Grin.

TheClaws · 05/07/2018 04:30

How can they earn your trust if your won’t give them the opportunity?

Original poster
Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 04:39

For starters they need to listen to me and DH when we tell them not to do something or to do something in a particular way.
It's as if when we say "Dont do this" either one of them just does the exact thing we told them not to do right after we told them not to do it.

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Original poster
Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 04:41

Such as dont hold her by the arms. Fil laughs then suspends her in the air BY THE ARMS right after i told him. Or don't give her hot chips then right afterwards I catch them both giving her hot chips. It's just quite disrespectful.

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Original poster
Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 04:43

They have always been like this. Their whole family hate being told what to do so when I put my foot down when I had DD then they think it's funny to ignore me and not listen.

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Original poster
Wolfpac · 05/07/2018 04:48

And of course it hurts that I hate them being around her especially since we have all been so close and now that DD is here everything seemed to change.
In a perfect world I would love for them to just come over when they are available and be able to spend time with her. But that doesnt happens because they totally disregard everything DH or I say. He has even acknowledged that since DD has arrived they have been acting strange.

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