Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to think dh has shown his true self?

65 replies

Beelzebop · 04/07/2018 10:08

Does this behaviour show a nasty side in your opinion? I am currently miscarrying, which is horrid. My dh has allegedly asked for time off to come to appointments and allegedly wasn't given it. Fair enough. So I go on my own to these miserable appointments.

Anyway, he came home yesterday and announced that he was going to ask for time off that afternoon to do some bits and had told them I had a scan. When I got upset, he said two or three times that it was only a bunch of cells. I just am disgusted that he would use our miscarriage as an excuse. He obviously didn't ask for time off either.
This morning he said that my behaviour was disgusting yesterday ( I was upset, that's all).
This is just not on is it?

OP posts:

planetsweet · 04/07/2018 10:11

Not on.

Sorry

Cadencia · 04/07/2018 10:11

He sounds awful, OP . Have a virtual hug from me as you go through your miscarriage.

Not time to think about this right now, but when you are feeling a bit better you should probably re consider whether you want to try for a baby with this wanker.

lborgia · 04/07/2018 10:12

Unspeakable. Take care of yourself, and then when you're feeling better, make your plans.

PsychoPumpkin · 04/07/2018 10:13

He’s the disgusting one, not you.

A bunch of cells? Hmm maybe, but it’s a bunch of cells that you hoped would develop into a much wanted baby.

I’m so sorry

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 04/07/2018 10:14

I’m sorry Beez

That is so horrible of your husband. Even if his personal belief is that it’s a bunch of cells, there’s a time and a place to voice that and it isn’t when your wife is miscarrying.

Heartless and thoughtless, and then to call you ‘disgusting’ for being upset? I honestly don’t think it’s an overreaction to reconsider your entire relationship after that.

Cath2907 · 04/07/2018 10:14

I am so sorry for your loss. No of course this isn't on. When I sadly lost my first pregnancy my DH certainly didn't understand the level of my distress but he did his best to be supportive. I had some retained material so all in all it took 4 weeks to be sorted requiring multiple scans and eventually a minor op. DHs position was "well at least we know you can get pregnant" as we'd had 2 years of unexplained infertility. However he held my hand and patted my back and tried to care.
What I would say is that this is likely to be a VERY sensitive time for you at the moment. He may well be a bit lost and floundering about failing to support you rather than being deliberately hurtful. My mum upset me very badly during my miscarriage but she certainly didn't mean to.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Be kind to yourself and kick your DH in the butt!

MissionItsPossible · 04/07/2018 10:15

Fucking hell “a bunch of cells” I’d be disgusted if I heard anybody saying that. Sorry for what you are going through

gorgeoushazydaysofsummer · 04/07/2018 10:16

, OP. Take care of yourself.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/07/2018 10:16

What a selfish piece of crap.

for you OP.

I don’t know how you can build a future with someone like that - so selfish, so unkind. It doesn’t seem like a good idea.

But be very kind to yourself and seek out sympathetic people of spend some time with.

Mrsharrison · 04/07/2018 10:17

What a cold fish he is. He can't even admit his selfishness - he has to insult you while going through this awful time.

Be easy on yourself and have a good think about his character. In hindsight I'm sure you will realise he's always had a selfish streak.

SlothSlothSloth · 04/07/2018 10:17

Oh no, I’m so sorry this is happening to you 💐

Give yourself all the time you need to get over the miscarriage and then start thinking about leaving him. If a partner can’t support you through something like this then honestly what’s the point in even having a partner?

daffodillament · 04/07/2018 10:19

Absolutely outrageous ! Has he form for this type of behaviour ? He sounds like a dick but is it poss he is grieving hence the erratic behaviour ?

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2018 10:21

He's really unkind
Is he usually this shit?

FrozenMargarita17 · 04/07/2018 10:25

OP.. he sounds awful :((

Original poster

Beelzebop · 04/07/2018 10:26

Thank you thank you everyone! I am sat here waiting for another scan and feel so lonely. Mrsharrison, that's it. He's being very, very cold. I've had several miscarriages before, and he's never been like this. He even drank last night, which he had told me he'd given up. It's like he's doing it on purpose.
Thanks so much everyone xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Beelzebop · 04/07/2018 10:28

I was realising when I got pregnant that he wasn't kind to me anymore. Then wham, at far too old an age for me, positive test.

OP posts:

MrsMWA · 04/07/2018 10:28

Sorry for your loss, I’ve been there. Men have no idea. When I miscarried my husband was ‘too busy’ to come to the hospital so I did it all alone, he also then didn’t come home until gone 10pm as his work was ‘more important’. It makes you stronger. I’m bullet proof now, but 7 years on it still pisses me off. Hope you recover quickly.

Tinkobell · 04/07/2018 10:28

No it's not on. What planet does he live on OP?

Ginkypig · 04/07/2018 10:30

So he told you that work wouldn't give him time off to come to the appointments with you but then was going to ask for time off for a scan so he has obviously lied to you as work obviously have no idea about the miscarriage which means he has never asked so is deliberately leaving you to go alone to these (devastating) appointments!

I'm really sorry you lost your baby beel and I'm disgusted for you that you have to go through that with him as a partner.

User12879923378 · 04/07/2018 10:31

Awful.

I do think that to some extent men don't understand the relationship between a woman and the unborn child she's carrying or the true depth of sadness that a loss causes at any stage, no matter how much they want a baby themselves. But most of them would still feel some sadness and at if not then at least he able to understand that it is a million times harder for you. How unbelievable that he would dismiss it as a bunch of cells and how despicable that he would tell you he couldn't get time off when you actually did have scans and then actually get time off for pretending you had scans when you don't. I know who I think behaved disgustingly yesterday.

I am so sorry for your loss. It will get easier

Original poster

Beelzebop · 04/07/2018 10:32

I am so glad I posted on here. I'm sitting here feeling a bit stronger now. Thank you.

OP posts:

mummytippy · 04/07/2018 10:32

A similar thing happened to me OP 12 years ago before I had my ds.
I was 11 weeks but egg had stopped developing at 9 weeks.

My ex took a similar approach and it was hard as he had children already. I had to attend the appointments myself (and be told the hormone level decreasing etc). It was very hard but I put it down to it being his way of 'dealing with it'.

Maybe DH is really struggling and unfortunately isn't dealing with his emotions well. Not helpful to you I know... but men aren't like us sadly xx

meg70 · 04/07/2018 10:32

What sloth said above; what's the point in having a partner if he can't support you now? What would he be like when you are in labour or looking after a newborn (and yourself) after the birth? Is he usually insensitive like this?

Trinity66 · 04/07/2018 10:33

He's being very, very cold. I've had several miscarriages before, and he's never been like this. He even drank last night, which he had told me he'd given up. It's like he's doing it on purpose.

Maybe he is very upset and is dealing with it badly if this behaviour is so out of character? I'm sorry for your loss though :(

MissVanjie · 04/07/2018 10:34

so sorry for your loss op and I'm sorry your husband is being a dick. there's support here for you whenever you need it. you're not alone.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread