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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think dh has shown his true self?

65 replies

Beelzebop · 04/07/2018 10:08

Does this behaviour show a nasty side in your opinion? I am currently miscarrying, which is horrid. My dh has allegedly asked for time off to come to appointments and allegedly wasn't given it. Fair enough. So I go on my own to these miserable appointments.

Anyway, he came home yesterday and announced that he was going to ask for time off that afternoon to do some bits and had told them I had a scan. When I got upset, he said two or three times that it was only a bunch of cells. I just am disgusted that he would use our miscarriage as an excuse. He obviously didn't ask for time off either.
This morning he said that my behaviour was disgusting yesterday ( I was upset, that's all).
This is just not on is it?

OP posts:
meg70 · 04/07/2018 10:35

Hope you have good friend & family support. So sorry.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 04/07/2018 10:36

Honestly, I used to think he was sensitive. It's almost like he just can't be arsed. He was good with my other mc , but recent he just doesn't seem to want to bother.

OP posts:
sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 04/07/2018 10:40

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

My ex's told me to "get over it" when I miscarried. I should have known then. I did get pg again and when our dad was 9 months old he left me for someone else.

You've unfortunately been shown a big red flag.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 04/07/2018 10:41

Ugh autocorrect mistakes. Hope my post makes sense. And it's dd not dad.

StaplesCorner · 04/07/2018 10:44

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. Not now, but maybe in the not too distant future, you should ask yourself if its worth staying with him.

Threewheeler1 · 04/07/2018 10:45

Flowers and massive hug for you x

Juells · 04/07/2018 10:52

England game last night?

NotAnotherUserName5 · 04/07/2018 10:52

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Could he of said it’s only a bunch of cells trying to make you feel less upset over your loss? Could it be his way of coping?
When I lost my baby DH came with me to all the appointments, but went back to work very soon after. He kept himself very busy as he was devastated too.
Have you any one else around offering you support?

Sending you a hand hold Flowers

nohopemate · 04/07/2018 10:58

Could he of said it’s only a bunch of cells trying to make you feel less upset over your loss? Could it be his way of coping?

This is not acceptable. Even if he were thinking of the pregnancy as a 'bunch of cells' to make HIM feel better, that is a world of difference from throwing that in OP's face when she is upset. And that later on, when he has had time to reflect, telling her that SHE is disgusting to HIM.

Women are socialised into making excuses for men being shitty to them. And I include myself in this. I wish I had spent less time wasting countless fucking hours, thinking up rationalisations for DH's shitty behaviour to me and more time thinking ' I matter' . Then maybe I would have left the git when it was a whole lot easier to do so.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 04/07/2018 11:03

I love your strength nohopemate

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 04/07/2018 11:04

That's really horrible.

People do have really different responses to miscarriages and ways of viewing them. That's not especially relevant here though.

What is relevant, is that he knew you were upset, you wanted support - and he refused it. Then chose to rub your face in his lack of support by proposing time off to do something else.

Horrible. That would take a lot of apologising for to get over.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 04/07/2018 11:07

And that later on, when he has had time to reflect, telling her that SHE is disgusting to HIM.

Whoa. I totally missed that bit Shock

OP, Yanbu in questioning what kind of person he is. I’m so sorry he had chosen now to do so

Dungeondragon15 · 04/07/2018 11:09

He is being really awful. If you have had miscarriages before and he has been supportive, I suspect that he is actually very upset though. Some people's way of coping is to switch off and deny it's happening. I did that to a certain extent with my third and while it's not totally possible if you are a woman, for men it's much easier. He is being very selfish though.

babybythesea · 04/07/2018 11:11

Technically, he's just a bunch of cells too.
That's what life is. A bunch of cells. It's more than ok to be upset at the loss of a bunch of cells, because that is exactly what makes up a person.

I do think men see pregnancy differently. As soon as I knew I was pregnant, in my head, I had a baby. Talked to it, sang to it, changed what I was eating to keep it safe. DH kept saying things like "When the baby is here..." And I'd be answering "It is here. Look at the size of me. It's here." It just showed a different way of viewing it.
But, however you see something, part of being a decent human is showing support for someone you care about, being understanding. Accepting people see things differently from you and being sensitive to that.

His behaviour is shocking.

Mrsharrison · 04/07/2018 11:15

Yes some men do react seemingly coldly when something awful happens that they have no control over.

These men are emotionally repressed and likely to continue this behaviour when there's trouble.

That is not what a marriage is about. It means the woman is in for a lonely time when trouble rears its head.

Storm4star · 04/07/2018 11:17

For me it's not even the awful comment he made. As pp have said, maybe he isn't dealing with it well and this is how it's coming out. But what absolutely disgusts me is that after not coming to any appointments with you, he then uses an appointment to get an afternoon off! That's bordering on pretty sick in my mind. How can he do that?? Then he has the absolute nerve to call your behaviour disgusting when you are (totally understandably) upset! What a bastard.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

lborgia · 04/07/2018 11:26

I think the being upset concept goes up in smoke when he uses the m/c as a reason to take time off for something else..and doesn’t even bother to hide that from OP. Really very grim.

BrexitWife · 04/07/2018 11:44

I can get why he woudo think it’s just a bunch of cells.
I know a few women who are thinking that way. And having had an early miscarriage, that was my thinking too.

HOWEVER the issue is his lack of kindness and compassion. The fact HE doesn’t see it as an issue in no ways means that YOU should. He should RESPECT your feelings, not trying to impose his onto you.

I wouod also have an issue with the fact he is clearly totally detached from what is happening. And that this is a new thing for him (because he did support you before). The not asking for time off to support you and then ussing the miscarriage as an excuse to have a few afternoons off is a sign of that (and wouod make my blood boil!). I would wonder what is going on relationhsip wise.

FlowersFlowers to you.... he is being a dick in the worse circumstances possible.

BrexitWife · 04/07/2018 11:46

Women are socialised into making excuses for men being shitty to them. And I include myself in this. I wish I had spent less time wasting countless fucking hours, thinking up rationalisations for DH's shitty behaviour to me and more time thinking ' I matter'

I agree with that too. I wish I had made a stand a long time ago.

Arum51 · 04/07/2018 11:50

I'm really sorry this is happening Flowers

Not much to add really, just agreeing with the others. As he hasn't been this way before, this is probably his way of grieving. Unfortunately, it seems he's mentally/emotionally pulled away from the idea of having a baby, so is no longer with you in this.

Concentrate on getting through your miscarriage, then once you are feeling a bit stronger, have a think about what you want to do. Don't make any decisions now. Your hormones are all over the place, and you are grieving a child. This isn't the time for big decisions. Small ones: How do I look after myself today?

Original poster
Beelzebop · 04/07/2018 11:59

He is still saying he has done nothing wrong. I used the phrase "bunch of cells" when I was trying to reassure myself, I was talking to myself. He is now saying that as I said it, it's my fault.😶

OP posts:
nellieellie · 04/07/2018 12:02

So is he just a bunch of cells. What a pig. To use a miscarriage to skive off, but not bother to take time off to support you. Vile.

AnyFucker · 04/07/2018 12:03

You need to ask ?

He sounds horrible. Do you think your relationship might have run it's course ? I can't imagine my husband behaving like this, but if he did I would not want to stay with him.

trojanpony · 04/07/2018 12:04

Is this totally new behaviour or is this part of a (recent?) pattern?

And he is being awful - sorry this is happening.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/07/2018 12:05

Your fault? Does he usually believe that you are responsible for his behaviour? You 'made him do it' did you?

His reaction could be an aggressive form of self-protective denial. But, that would be no excuse for treating you the way he has.

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