AIBU to think dh has shown his true self?

[Beelzebop]

Does this behaviour show a nasty side in your opinion? I am currently miscarrying, which is horrid. My dh has allegedly asked for time off to come to appointments and allegedly wasn't given it. Fair enough. So I go on my own to these miserable appointments.

Anyway, he came home yesterday and announced that he was going to ask for time off that afternoon to do some bits and had told them I had a scan. When I got upset, he said two or three times that it was only a bunch of cells. I just am disgusted that he would use our miscarriage as an excuse. He obviously didn't ask for time off either.
This morning he said that my behaviour was disgusting yesterday ( I was upset, that's all).
This is just not on is it?

I'm afraid that it sounds as if he's checked out emotionally.

Previous posters have given good advice (look after yourself, allow yourself time to recover and grieve, then weigh up what you’d like your future to look like relationship wise).

All that said, I’d be tempted to contact his boss and mention that he’s using appointments as an excuse and not even attending because frankly, how fucking dare he?!

With every sympathy here - I once had a miscarriage myself & it was a miserable time.
But, if someone is undecided about abortion and asks MN advice she will be told "it's fine", "your choice", "only a collection of cells yet" etc.

However, when a woman miscarries naturally it's suggested that she LTB (more or less) when her partner sees it this way.

At the same length of gestation it seems it can be a group of cells or a baby, and which it is depends on the woman's emotion.

It really isn't logical, is it? (tho' I do agree OP's husband is an unfeeling twat)

This morning he said that my behaviour was disgusting yesterday ( I was upset, that's all).

You haven't elaborated on what provoked his comment.

How incredibly nasty. Well wishes and prayers OP

Is it possible it's his way of coping? My DH has been a bit of a twat lately dealing with my DD's illness. It's not acceptable, but it might offer some insight into his behaviour - maybe thinking of it as a "bunch of cells" makes his loss easier, and he deliberately evaded the appointments because he didn't feel like he could cope with it?

Him turning it back on you with his ludicrous suggestion that you're "disgusting" might suggest so. That would say it's not his "true colours" as such, but a reaction to recent turn of events which is obviously not excusable but perhaps understandable.

I'm not defending him, but I would say no one knows the pain of miscarriage until they've been through it.

How he feels and copes is entirely his business, until he seeks sympathy, comfort or a conversation.

This is about how he behaves towards OP. We know nothing of his feelings or his motivation.

Maybe he is upset, maybe he isn't. Imposing his upset on her by behaving shittily towards her, would not excuse his behaving shittily towards her. He is choosing to behave shittily towards a woman who is experiencing a miscarriage. We don't know why. At this point it doesn't matter why.

We do know what effect it is having on her. We do know it is inexcusibly nasty behaviour. We also know that he hasn't apologised, or sought to make any excuses - however much posters here might wish to offer them for him.

OP, I really think you need to distance yourself from him, until he comes to you with an apology and makes a sincere effort to win you back. Perhaps at that point he'll outline his feelings by way of an explanation - while recognising that they don't excuse his behaviour.

And didofino yes, how people feel about a pregnancy is the important thing. Wanted and unwanted pregnancies are different experiences. The issue here isn't what he thinks, or even what he feels. It is what he chose to say out loud to her, in what tone and with what accompanying behaviour.

Women are socialised into making excuses for men being shitty to them. And I include myself in this. I wish I had spent less time wasting countless fucking hours, thinking up rationalisations for DH's shitty behaviour to me and more time thinking ' I matter

This. Op, you matter.

It sounds like you've been dealing with his shitty behaviour for a while. You don't have to.

Maybe he is upset, maybe he isn't. Imposing his upset on her by behaving shittily towards her, would not excuse his behaving shittily towards her. He is choosing to behave shittily towards a woman who is experiencing a miscarriage. We don't know why. At this point it doesn't matter why.

Sorry if it came across that I was saying that possible motivations might excuse his behaviour!

I was replying directly to the title about his "true self" with what I said; that it might not be that he's really just a horrible person, but he's just coping very poorly. To reassert, that was an incredibly insensitive, cruel comment and trying to turn it back on OP was manipulative and showed a complete lack of responsibility or ownership of his actions. Avoiding the appointments was selfish and lying was incredibly deceitful. 'm not trying to deny or excuse any of this, just bring to light that it might not be that he's just always been a horrible person underneath, but that in this situation, he is behaving horribly.

lottiegarbanzo -
" And didofino yes, how people feel about a pregnancy is the important thing. Wanted and unwanted pregnancies are different experiences. The issue here isn't what he thinks, or even what he feels. It is what he chose to say out loud to her, in what tone and with what accompanying behaviour."

Your 2nd sentence - yes, they are different experiences, and different emotionally, but what is lost/destroyed during a miscarriage/abortion is the same thing. Do you not see? It is a collection of cells OR a potential baby. Our emotions do not alter the substance. This is not to say, of course, that one should never have an abortion, just that fudging issue is not a good thing

Your last 2 sentences I agree with absolutely.

Of course I 'see'. I'm saying debating the biological status of the foetus is irrelevant and pedantic, when the issue at stake is people's feelings.

The point is that saying 'it's just a bunch of cells' to a woman experiencing a miscarriage is just as tactless and insensitive as saying 'it's a real baby' to woman experiencing abortion.

That, insensitivity and feelings, is what is important here. Whatever the husband chooses to think, however he wishes to rationalise this to himself, he has behaved shittily towards his wife and done so very deliberately.

Thanks for all the different insights. He has behaved in the past like this, but he has always backed down. He didn't even seem pleased when I told him there was hope. Which is really sad. I'm hoping he is a little bit. Whatever happens next he helped cause this situation after all!
Someone asked what I had done when I was upset. I can't remember it exactly but cried, asked him repeatedly to explain what he had done, tried to explain why I was upset . Probably told him to flock off

Very sorry about your mc.

Do you already have DC?

Sounds like he has treated you badly many times before. This is yet another “wake up call” about him.

If you don’t already have DC with him suggest thinking twice before ttc.

I was going to ask the same, i.e. whether you already have DC. He sounds pretty selfish.