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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you are too ill to feed dc

60 replies

Horridhenry88 · 04/07/2018 02:05

Than you should be applying for pip and blue badge
Background . Dh works 9 to 5 in office environment. We have 3 dds from 13 to 5. I work erratically but as a result do pretty much all childcare and housework etc etc .

So today dd1 had an activity in the town where dh works. I drove all 3 dds there after school. Dh took younger two home and I stayed with dd1. All good.
Told dh that dd2 and 3 needed dinner.
Got home at 7.30pm and dh told me that he that dd2 and 3 still needed feeding.
Now I was livid but accepted it as he is ill right. But surely if you are so I'll that you can't pip a pizza in the oven than you should apply for support.
Aibu to think that he should apply for pip etc or if not actually parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 04/07/2018 02:07

Pop not pip. Too tired.

OP posts:
Greensiren2014 · 04/07/2018 02:17

I guess it depends what’s wrong with you but generally able to put a pizza in the oven wouldn’t be too much to ask

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 04/07/2018 02:27

I guess I am just fed up. I have health issues too but just have to carry on. Dh has arthritis and I know he suffers but can't help feeling he uses it at an excuse to opt out.

OP posts:
EatTheChocolateTeapot · 04/07/2018 02:33

How old is DD2? Even if he couldn’t physically put the pizza in the oven, could he instruct her how to do it safely?

DaisyDreaming · 04/07/2018 02:35

GettingPIP is very hard, why cant he cook? Energy, can he not cut things because of his joints or something else? Can we wash and dress without help? Does he need help with medication? Can he make a drink? If he can do all those I doubt he would get it.

Have you read the spoon theory. I don’t know your husband, maybe he does use his illness as an excuse or maybe he just used up all his spoons on the kids earlier and really couldn’t do dinner

DaisyDreaming · 04/07/2018 02:36

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory

ICJump · 04/07/2018 02:55

The spoon theory is all well and good but as parents we have to prioritise our children. An oven pizza, peanut butter sandwich or heck a bowl of cereal.

I’ve got fuck all spoons at the moment so I do thinks our precook meals do I can microwave of chuck in the oven.

Whereisthecoffee · 04/07/2018 07:06

I feel for him but if he’s responsible for the d.c he needs to feed them even if it means ordering in.

NoNarnas · 04/07/2018 07:09

Surely if he can work in an office 9-5 he can throw something in an oven?

HighwayDragon1 · 04/07/2018 07:31

Sorry this is so ridiculous it's almost funny.

OP pip is difficult to get, especially with an ever changing condition. I've worked for years with a lifelong condition sometimes after a day at work, then driving your kids around, your energy has gone. Particularly in the heat. I've had days recently where I've got in collapsed on the sofa and DP has had to help me walk upstairs to bed - I'm still not eligible for pip.

Saying that I wouldn't allow my DD to go hungry. That's what the just eat app is for!

Countingcrossroads · 04/07/2018 07:36

I have a feeling that op doesn't want her DH to apply for pip but to stop being lazy. Even pasta.and sauce should be doable

gorgeoushazydaysofsummer · 04/07/2018 07:39

If he's well enough to work 9-5 in an office, and look after his dc, he's well enough to feed them. Doesn't have to be cordon bleu. Pizza, cereal, sandwiches, picky tea - all easy, and dc can help/do it, depending on their age.

Does he often do things like this? The dc must have been hungry...

gorgeoushazydaysofsummer · 04/07/2018 07:40

he uses it at an excuse to opt out.

there's your issue. You need to talk to him.

AuntieStella · 04/07/2018 07:41

Yes, unless there was some damned good reason a normal person in good health can feed their DC.

And I'm s assuming there wasn't a damned good reason, because if there's had been there would be nothing to post about.

Snowysky20009 · 04/07/2018 07:44

I have PIP, am disabled but have really good days where I cook a complex meal from scratch (and a recipe book!) and bad days where I can sleep 22 hours.

I always make sure there is ready meals in the freezer, and salad, ham, cheese etc there. So if I am really poorly the boys can easily make something themselves. They've been able to put microwave meals in and make sandwiches etc since the youngest was about 7.

Failing that they will order from just eat off my phone as my card details are saved. No ideal, but at least they are eating!

Sleepyslops · 04/07/2018 07:48

Totes agree... that blue badge sure will feed the kids for a few nights.

gamerwidow · 04/07/2018 07:48

I have RA and and work and even when my pain is so bad I can barely move my arms to dress I can still manage to feed my daughter. It is very unlikely he is in so much pain he can’t put a pizza in the oven. If you have a long term illness and you’re a parent then you just have to get on with it (unless that rule just applies to mums Hmm)

ProfessorMoody · 04/07/2018 07:50

I was getting PIP and I couldn't have fed the DC on my worst days. Luckily I have a DH who could, but if he was out, there were occasions where DS had to make something on toast or stick a frozen ready meal in the microwave. He is 9 though.

It depends how bad he is and how old the DC are. Are they capable of making a sandwich or a micro meal?

If he can work and drive around, he doesn't sound that severe. Surely he could make a final push for the DC?

Sirzy · 04/07/2018 07:59

You need to sit down and talk to him.

You need to put plans in place for how to work things on his worst days and what he can do when he is having a better patch to help on those bad days (bulk cooking etc)

gamerwidow · 04/07/2018 08:00

f you have a long term illness and you’re a parent then you just have to get on with it
Just to caveat this I know sometimes it isn’t possible to just get on with it so any mumsnetters who can’t please don’t see this as a criticism.
I put this because the OPs husbands level of illness sounds very similar to mine. Yes it’s painful and debilitating but life can’t just stop and he needs to put better strategies in place to make sure his kids needs are looked after too.

rookiemere · 04/07/2018 08:04

I think it must be tough for him to hold down a f/t job with arthritis and I can see that he probably was at the end of his capacity by the time he got home.
However presumably he usually drives himself home so not that much different doing it with his DCs and putting on the oven and bunging in a pizza is about the simplest type of meal preparation that one can do.

Kahlua4me · 04/07/2018 08:18

My dh has arthritis and is often worn out by the end of the day. We run our own business so no chance to rest.

However, he finds he has to get everything done before he sits down as once he has sat it is really difficult to get up and moving again. Therefore he would have to cook the pizza and serve it up before resting otherwise it would be tough for him. Saying that though, he would always make sure dc were ok and fed and watered.

Perhaps your dh needs to try to get everything done as soon as he gets home and then rest.

TheMagnoliaTree · 04/07/2018 08:31

My children have always known that I have a debilitating illness but they have been able to make food under my direction, or they help open stuff when I have been very poorly.

At no stage did I wait for Dh to come home if he was out late.

5 years old dress themselves for PE in school so are more than capable with guidance to help make food. Even if it is beans on toast. It doesn't have to be a 3 course meal, just something to fill their bellies.

You need to tell him he cannot opt out of parenting.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2018 08:31

If your dh can work no way he’s getting pip. I got my B.B. recently and was told to apply for it. I couldn’t work in a million years. Just had a hysterectomy and am waiting to see how my health goes. I may or may not get it even if my health doesn’t improve.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2018 08:36

Kahlua
That’s the exact opposite from me. I have to rest to be able to do anything. I have to pace myself (a lot about pacing online). Interesting how different people are I suppose.

I should have said op you don’t know if it is opting out or not. My brother has been vile, threatened violence and has been violent to me because he doesn’t believe me. He drove off while I was unable to move and leaning on his car. Obviously I fell to the ground. My dh took a lot to get his head round how I am and can still be an arse and inconsiderate as my health fluctuates.