To think that if you are too ill to feed dc

[Horridhenry88]

Than you should be applying for pip and blue badge
Background . Dh works 9 to 5 in office environment. We have 3 dds from 13 to 5. I work erratically but as a result do pretty much all childcare and housework etc etc .

So today dd1 had an activity in the town where dh works. I drove all 3 dds there after school. Dh took younger two home and I stayed with dd1. All good.
Told dh that dd2 and 3 needed dinner.
Got home at 7.30pm and dh told me that he that dd2 and 3 still needed feeding.
Now I was livid but accepted it as he is ill right. But surely if you are so I'll that you can't pip a pizza in the oven than you should apply for support.
Aibu to think that he should apply for pip etc or if not actually parent.

he needs to feed them even if it means ordering in.

Assumption of course that the OP has wads of cash to burn

Even if DC2 is only six they could be directed to make some ham sandwiches (or bring the stuff to daddy) and pass round some apples. There’s no excuse for them to be not fed.

How would a Blue Badge have helped him in this situation?

Ordering in not always an option- I live semi rurally and there are no takeaways that deliver to us.

Pasta and sauce isn’t necessarily doable. There are several times when I am completely incapable of standing long enough to do that.

Luckily my eldest is able to do basic things like scrambled eggs etc and both can use the microwave as sometimes I can’t even get to the kitchen to put a pizza in the oven.

And yet other days I could merrily do enough chopping, stirring etc to make a lasagne from scratch.

PIP isn’t an out of work benefit, I did get DLA when I was working and plenty of people get PIP while working too. If it’s a sedentary job it could still be worth applying. Even if you only got a little, it could be used to buy more simple food - things like frozen chopped veg are amazing. When I got my PIP this time it meant I could do things like get a taxi without feeling guilty about the money.

If your dh can work no way he’s getting pip.

That’s not true at all. PIP is an inwork benefit and plenty of people work and claim it.

I’ve got a chronic illness, including arthritis and fibromyalgia, and it’s been rare that I’ve been unable to feed my kids. They’ve always known that I’m not well and as a result of this they’ve been able to cook a meal, with supervision at first, from a very young age. It takes very little effort to shove a pizza in the oven.

I don’t think the problem here is claiming PIP or not, it’s the fact that he’s using his arthritis as an excuse not to do simple tasks.

"My wife suffers from arthritis. she says sometimes it's absolutely crippling. I got in this evening and she hadn't even cooked the kids tea because she said she was in too much pain.

AIBU in thinking that she is just lazy and is using her illness as an excuse. BTW, she is the main breadwinner and I do a bit of work around the kids and that"

-would yield a completely different set of responses. Double-standards mumsnet at its finest.

People are getting waylaid by the blue badge comment. There's no reason, if DH is ok enough to work in an office that he can't take ready meals out of the freezer and put them in the oven, or direct the children to do so.

I say this as someone with chronic long term health issues, whose mother has severe arthritis. You can get adaptations and tools to help. I always have a stash of food in the freezer and cupboards to throw in the oven if I get too ill to cook.

There are 1000s men with no physical impairment who can't manage to get their children's supper either.

This is more of a wifework issue than a disabilty issue I think.

Agreed FairyCaravan.

There are 1000s men with no physical impairment who can't manage to get their children's supper either.

True. Or can't be arsed.

For me I’d be far less likely to manage dinner (even walking to the oven to put a pizza in, and then returning to get it out again, getting plates and cutlery out - honestly that feels like Everest sometimes) if I’d been at work all day. I can generally manage cooking better if I’ve not done anything else - if you like, I’ve used up less spoons.

Before I lost my job, most days that was literally all I could do, I’d get home, collapse on the sofa and be unable to move for hours. Sometimes even now if I’ve been out of the house DH has to take my shoes off for me when he gets in from work hours later, as I couldn’t even kick them off at the door, or take my coat off.

Nobody can say if the DH is trying it on or not of course, but the fact that he’s working doesn’t necessarily mean he can easily cook as well.

It would be worth planning the shopping to allow for these times. Healthy stuff the kids can scavenge themselves (depending on age), batch cooking on good days so that they can be microwaved, short cuts like microwave veg/rice sachets are fantastic (again this is something that getting PIP makes more affordable).

I have arthritis and sometimes can't get out of bed.

I have things in the freezer that can go in the oven or microwave. I also order more take aways than usual.

Assuming he was taking them home by car then this is what drive throughs are for Something else I have more than I would if I didn't have arthritis.

OP, you sound ableist and emotionally abusive.

I have arthritis and it is pretty awful at the moment. I am struggling to use my hands at all and my H had to brush my teeth and hair for me last night, so I do sympathise with your H. I would be able to put a pizza in the oven, but I wouldn’t be able to open the box or cut it after. I also have a stool I sit on when cooking for bad days.

As others have said, the best thing is to put strategies in place for days when it is really bad. Have a few ready made sandwiches, leftovers, or microwave meals in the fridge/freezer that he can throw in. I also agree that I find it easier to do things when I come in, rather than sitting and then trying to get going again. I use all my energy to get through work, so when I get home I am quite burned out.

I do worry my H will be like you and start getting resentful and angry with me on bad days. You haven’t mentioned which type of arthritis he has, I have psoriasic arthritis and the medication alone makes me very unwell. It is hard living with someone with a chronic illness and you can get burned out too. I think adaption is key here really

First off, there are multiple types of arthritis.

If it is osteo, then the pain can be a bit much and it can be tiring. But if it as an autoimmune type of arthritis then the fatigue can be totally and utterly debilitating. It may be that not only was he not physically able to put food in the oven, but that he could not do it safely.

I have psoriatic and rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and other health issues and am bipolar. This is an ok time of year for my joints as its warm, but a terrible time for my bipolar as its sunny 18 hours a day. I have terrible days for both and do my best to juggle 3 children between 9-17, studying and the house etc. I do ok. My house is never going to win any show home competitions but that's fine. My fridge freezer is full and my kids can all cook beans on toast/micro-meals etc.

Last night I was invited to a bbq with my youngest. I went. My husband had to collect me as my car had a flat so I had a few glasses of wine. He turned up at 8 and moaned very loudly that I should be at home cooking his and the eldest two kids dinner. I burst out laughing. I killed myself traipsing around Aldi, iceland and farmfoods filling up the fridge freezer, why on earth would I , a person with several chronic health issues, need to be there to cook beans on toast for 3 fully able people? me and my youngest had already eaten. Yet my 50 year old husband suddenly felt he was incapable of turning the cooker on and as I "stay at home" it was my job. I do what I can, and that is it otherwise it is on time stolen from tomorrow. Thankfully he is not like this 99% of the time but will be getting a very stern talking to when he gets home and if he does not like it he can sling his hook.

But you are healthy, work very little and seem to think he has limitless energy. batch cook and freeze stuff for emergencies, I do and I study PT, work PT and run a house and 3 kids. I really do not get your OP when you know he is ill and working full time, he is bound to have bad days!

I agree with you OP, if he can manage a 9-5 job he can toast some bread or butter some crackers, warm a tin of beans, soup or ravioli, jacket potatoes in the oven an hour in advance or make a ham sandwich.

He CBA could he?

I'm a full supporter of and believer in sooo theory but when you have children it's not good enough. You can't use up all your spoons and leave them to go hungry. And if something unavoidably forces that to happen, you have to put in place measures to prevent it - like getting additional support in. The solution can't be that the kids' needs are neglected. So OP, YANBU!

YANBU to be frustrated by this situation as it is ridiculous particularly if he gave you no warning before you got home though you are a bit U for writing about blue badges and PIP in the manner you have. It sounds kinda like you're using them to mock him and neither would have helped in this situation by themselves.

Also, you are both BU if you do not already having an agreed upon plan in place for this type of situation. I have multiple disabilities, I live with two other adults who both also have multiple disabilities plus the kids and we all have plans in place for our bad days. He needs to figure out an acceptable if not optimal go to plan and you both need to agree upon it to avoid conflict on it in the future (you may have different levels of acceptable, you may need to consider if that changes if either of you have so many bad days in a row...).

High pain levels can cause brain fog and a lot of other issues which make it difficult, but there should be something in place to ensure the kids get their needs met even if it's having the supplies and tools accessible for the kids to do it themselves. It's not great but as many others have shared theirs, it is something parents with disabilities usually consider and have firmly in place to make the best of things.

If he works 9-5 then he is absolutely able enough to put a frozen pizza or fish fingers in the oven ffs. ill or not he was being a lazy sod!

When your a parent if they need feeding unless for some reason you are actually unable to move, your feed your bloody kids because well you are a parent and that’s your job

And perhaps it’s the working 9-5 which is making it harder for him to function when at home on a bad day.

Perhaps you need to look if hours can be changed?

Of course you're upset because the children weren't fed, but if I knew I had to take the older one to an activity and my husband had to sort out the younger ones after a day's work and dealing with chronic pain- then I'd try to make things easier by having something ready for them to pull from the fridge.

I don't think I'd consider this wife work in this situation, more supporting my partner through his arthritis.

BUT if he has form for generally 'CBA with the kids, then you're rightly pissed off.

Not sure that dinner prep could be any easier than bunging a pizza in an oven.

I couldn't bung a pizza in the oven on a bad day. I can't even lift my head up in bed, let alone get downstairs, stand in the kitchen opening it, bend down to put it in, take it out, get plates out and serve it.

I also couldn't afford to order food in.

If you know this could happen again, OP, you need a plan such as sandwich materials, frozen micro meals or beans and toast and the children need to know how to prepare it (depending on age).

Male or female
If you can manage a 9-5 job you can manage a bowl of cereal / microwave meal / piece of fruit etc.

If he's well enough to work then he's well enough to feed the kids. I'd have lost my shit if I'd come he to be told the DC hadn't been fed by 7.30 because DH was too lazy. I hope you didn't make his tea as well