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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AWBU or Should We Not Have to Ask my In-laws to Pay Us Back?

102 replies

OhNoSusanna · 03/07/2018 12:33

Regular poster, NC due to very outing details, some minor details also changed.

Bit of background here, my MIL and my Mum decided to co-host a baby shower for me a few months back at my MIL's house. With my MIL's permission, gifts from family members who couldn't attend in person were mailed to her house.

My husband and I unfortunately came down with the flu and the shower had to be cancelled. Once we were well again we went to visit my in-laws and they gave us all the shower presents for our son, to take back with us.

Three months later we found out one of my Aunts had sent a gift card for the baby shower for a bit under £50 to my MIL's but we had never received. My MIL didn't recall receiving one so we assumed it had been delivered to the wrong address or lost in the mail so my aunt contacted the company to enquire about a replacement. They refused to replace it on the grounds that someone at the address it had been delivered to had used it.

My husband asked his Mum if she recalled any gift cards being delivered around that time from that company. It turned out that they were expecting a gift card from the same company for an item that my FIL had returned. They had mistakenly thought the gift card from my Aunt was for his return so had spent it. Then they cheekily thanked me for the meat grinder they bought with it. Hmm

I explained it to my Aunt and she said something to the effect that it was on my in-laws then to replace it, which my husband and I agreed with.

The gift card would have been addressed to my name, so it was a pretty bad mistake, but mistakes happen. So we figured they would offer to replace it in cash or gift card form. We are not well off and actually need to buy something for our son that we'd hoped to use that money for and they have the money to easily replace it.

4 days passed and they not only didn't offer to replace it but they didn't even apologise for the mistake. On the 5th day my husband asked his Mum directly by FB messenger when they would be able to replace the gift from my Aunt. His Mum read it and never responded.

My husband's theory on why she's behaving this way is because her birthday was shortly after the birth of our son, we were so busy and dealing with being new parents and my PND that we forgot to send her a card or get her a gift. We did tell her happy birthday though.

Before all this mix up happened we were planning to get her a belated gift to give her when we see her this weekend. My husband thinks she's butthurt that we didn't send her anything for her birthday and bitterly feels like we owe her so she doesn't need to replace the gift card. She has form for almost never ever admitting she's wrong or has made a mistake.

The gift card was from my Aunt though for our son! Not for us even and certainly not for my in-laws to spend on themselves from my Aunt they've never met. Angry

We don't feel like we should have even been forced to ask for the money let alone be ignored when we did. I guess to some it's a small amount and maybe they'd let it go but it's not a small amount to us nor to my Aunt who sent it and I feel my in-laws have been incredibly rude.

So my AWBU is would it be unreasonable if when we show up at the in-laws this weekend if they don't offer to make things right that we just pack up and leave again? That's how my husband has proposed we deal with them.

OP posts:
Cheerbear23 · 03/07/2018 12:39

It’s 2 separate issues, whether you go to the do or not is up to you but it’s shouldnt be a condition of if they replace the gift card.
In the subject of the gift card, they are CF’s of the highest order of they don’t replace it. Unfortunately I don’t think the signs are good for this happening.

Catinthecorner · 03/07/2018 12:44

Personally I wouldn’t bother going this weekend.

Slapbetcommissioner · 03/07/2018 12:47

Well if they mistakenly thought it was the gift card they were expecting from the same company for the exact same amount of money (Hmm) then surely when that gift card comes through they can give it to you..... Suggest that to them Grin

OhNoSusanna · 03/07/2018 12:53

@Slapbetcommissioner

I have a feeling they received the gift card for the return too and spent it already. Probably thought the company had made a mistake and took advantage of it rather then correcting it. That theory is based off of knowing how their minds work.

OT but I really like your username. Grin

OP posts:
Slapbetcommissioner · 03/07/2018 12:58

I thought something like that would have happened so theres no way if you being given the other voucher (if it existed) but I'd still mention it just to see their reaction Grin

I'm annoyed on your behalf, it's a horrible thing they've done and they should give you the cash equivalent.

Thank you!

OhNoSusanna · 03/07/2018 13:00

@Catinthecorner

That's what I've been thinking too, traveling a ways with a newborn is enough of a pain in the arse without turning around.

Or my husband can just go by himself and I stay here with our son. Which would probably really piss my in-laws off.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/07/2018 13:03

Don't even go this weekend
Seriously it sounds like they have no integrity. Who does this? It's totally completely out of order. I don't think you should go and see them until they resolve this.

MidniteScribbler · 03/07/2018 13:06

Absolutely annoying, but your chances of getting the gift card now is slim to none.

Just have learnt that your in laws are pains in the arse and never have anything to do with money with them ever again and keep your distance.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/07/2018 13:13

Don't be ridiculous, there was no gift card from the company, there was no mistake, that is complete bullshit and one of the first excuses ever. She has stolen from you!!

Tell your husband yo text her "Hi Mam, see you this weekend, will you have the replacement card ready, Susannas aunt has been asking about it and we'd like to sent her photos of (insert product) which we are using to buy ds"

If you want to be super nice add in "We'll bring cake as a belated birthday treat"

Then when you go be as brazen as her and ask for the card, when there is none, put your hand out for cash and don't accept no for an answer off the sly thieving cow

pasturesgreen · 03/07/2018 13:13

It doesn't sound as though there's much you can do about the gift card now. Unbelievably cheeky on your IL's part, but I'd just chalk it up to experience.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/07/2018 13:13

*worst excuses

Thewhothewhatnow · 03/07/2018 13:14

Wow, that's lousy. They've stolen your child's present. They should be really embarrassed by their behaviour.

PragmaticWench · 03/07/2018 13:14

See I'd do the opposite. Go this weekend WITH a birthday gift for your MIL (although maybe don't spend as much as usual) and then your DH can ask about the gift voucher or equivalent cash. I'd make them feel quite uncomfortable.

You maintain the high ground, and can then be certain it's about the money and not your MIL's birthday if they don't give you the money.

JessieMcJessie · 03/07/2018 13:15

I must live in a parallel universe because I can’t imagine how any sane human being would think that it was perfectly OK to steal £50 from their own grandchild.

How did you find out what the Aunt had sent, by the way? Not doubting you but it’s not that normal for people to chase when they don’t get a thank you.

JessieMcJessie · 03/07/2018 13:16

This really isn’t “cheeky”. It’s way more dishonest than that.

OhNoSusanna · 03/07/2018 13:16

I'm honestly very shocked they have done this, I had a decent opinion of them before all this happened. We'd even considered moving closer to them so they could see our son more and they had said they could help us out more. I have MH problems prior to pregnancy and the support would have been nice.

I would have had an even better opinion of them had his Mum not briefly kicked him out as a teen and not called him a leech because he stayed with her for 2 weeks while job hunting after graduating from university. Shock

She denies calling him a leech now, but she called him that in a letter she left under his door and he showed me the letter.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/07/2018 13:17

She’s trying it on. I wouldn’t entertain going.

choli · 03/07/2018 13:18

Let it go. In the big scheme of things, it's not worth the family upheaval.

Figgygal · 03/07/2018 13:18

They are taking the major piss even if it was a genuine mistake you apologise and rectify it not just carry on regardless unless you have the hind of a bloody rhino.

Call them and say unless they repay this gift from your Aunt for their grandchild you wont be going to see them at the weekend. Don't waste your time going there if it is likely that you will have to walk straight out again.

Your MIL is a grown up and shouldn't be sulking about a fucking birthday being missed in the circumstances.

Inertia · 03/07/2018 13:20

It's really rude of them. However, they clearly don't intend to replace it.

You could tell them that you can't afford the petrol to visit now, as you need to spend the money on X item for your child that you'd intended to use the gift card for. You have also had to cancel MIL's planned birthday present as you need the money to buy the same baby item.

Sealant · 03/07/2018 13:22

I completely agree with @PragmaticWench

Take the moral high ground and then she can’t use the birthday as an excuse

Thewhothewhatnow · 03/07/2018 13:25

I'd go with what Inertia suggests. I would be raging if I were you

OhNoSusanna · 03/07/2018 13:25

@JessieMcJessie

"How did you find out what the Aunt had sent, by the way? Not doubting you but it’s not that normal for people to chase when they don’t get a thank you."

On our baby wish list there is a thank you card option, I don't normally make wish lists (because I feel very uncomfortable asking for things) but my Mum insisted I needed one for the baby shower. So I didn't realise until recently how the thank you card option on the wish list works. Blush When I looked it over I saw that it gives the name, address, and gift purchased by anyone who directly shopped off of it.

OP posts:
TheMonkeyMummy · 03/07/2018 13:30

In my head, I would be having words but in reality I would probably swear a lot under my breath and wish I had the courage to say something.

It's totally off, IMO.

JessieMcJessie · 03/07/2018 13:31

Perhaps you should tell your MIL to send a thank you card to your Aunt.

There is no difference between this and pocketing cash. You could actually call the police on her you know.