AWBU or Should We Not Have to Ask my In-laws to Pay Us Back?

[OhNoSusanna]

Regular poster, NC due to very outing details, some minor details also changed.

Bit of background here, my MIL and my Mum decided to co-host a baby shower for me a few months back at my MIL's house. With my MIL's permission, gifts from family members who couldn't attend in person were mailed to her house.

My husband and I unfortunately came down with the flu and the shower had to be cancelled. Once we were well again we went to visit my in-laws and they gave us all the shower presents for our son, to take back with us.

Three months later we found out one of my Aunts had sent a gift card for the baby shower for a bit under £50 to my MIL's but we had never received. My MIL didn't recall receiving one so we assumed it had been delivered to the wrong address or lost in the mail so my aunt contacted the company to enquire about a replacement. They refused to replace it on the grounds that someone at the address it had been delivered to had used it.

My husband asked his Mum if she recalled any gift cards being delivered around that time from that company. It turned out that they were expecting a gift card from the same company for an item that my FIL had returned. They had mistakenly thought the gift card from my Aunt was for his return so had spent it. Then they cheekily thanked me for the meat grinder they bought with it.

I explained it to my Aunt and she said something to the effect that it was on my in-laws then to replace it, which my husband and I agreed with.

The gift card would have been addressed to my name, so it was a pretty bad mistake, but mistakes happen. So we figured they would offer to replace it in cash or gift card form. We are not well off and actually need to buy something for our son that we'd hoped to use that money for and they have the money to easily replace it.

4 days passed and they not only didn't offer to replace it but they didn't even apologise for the mistake. On the 5th day my husband asked his Mum directly by FB messenger when they would be able to replace the gift from my Aunt. His Mum read it and never responded.

My husband's theory on why she's behaving this way is because her birthday was shortly after the birth of our son, we were so busy and dealing with being new parents and my PND that we forgot to send her a card or get her a gift. We did tell her happy birthday though.

Before all this mix up happened we were planning to get her a belated gift to give her when we see her this weekend. My husband thinks she's butthurt that we didn't send her anything for her birthday and bitterly feels like we owe her so she doesn't need to replace the gift card. She has form for almost never ever admitting she's wrong or has made a mistake.

The gift card was from my Aunt though for our son! Not for us even and certainly not for my in-laws to spend on themselves from my Aunt they've never met.

We don't feel like we should have even been forced to ask for the money let alone be ignored when we did. I guess to some it's a small amount and maybe they'd let it go but it's not a small amount to us nor to my Aunt who sent it and I feel my in-laws have been incredibly rude.

So my AWBU is would it be unreasonable if when we show up at the in-laws this weekend if they don't offer to make things right that we just pack up and leave again? That's how my husband has proposed we deal with them.

Ah, so she has form.

I think the 'you don't see your GG until this is repaid' position is reasonable. Although she still may not capitulate. Sad to say, I don't think you'll get it back. And never, ever have stuff go to her house again.

There has been no mistake here, she stole the gift card because she thought she would get away with it. Even if you had bought her birthday presents she would still have taken it because she is a thief.

Who would steal a present from a baby

Actually... maybe that's the way to phrase it to her? "Hey MIL, we need baby's gift money back now, remember how there was that mix-up a while back and how baby didn't get the money? Here are my bank details, have you got a pen? I'll let you know when the money comes through so that we can buy that monitor for baby this week"

OP, I'm fuming for you and have come back hours after reading your post with something that occurred to me. I haven't RT(entire)T so it may have been mentioned.

Did she spend a lot of money on your cancelled baby shower? Maybe on food, drink, decorations? I'm just thinking that she may have seen it as a way to recoup what she had spent.

Either way she's still a CF and there is no way I could just suck it up unless I could find some logic behind it. She wouldn't be getting any birthday/Christmas presents from me for the next few years.

What a weirdo.

Who would hurt family over such relatively small amounts?

OP said up thread that it was her own family that paid for the shower.

There is one more thing to consider as well. I assume gift card was in envelope addressed to OP and her DP? If so opening the envelope by MIL is breaking the law as it is tampering with the post. It's not 'only £50' it's general attitude of MIL that she is willing to break the law for such a small gain. Personally if my MIL or own mother did something like this I would go NC altogether.

I would have your husband send her the link to the breathing (Angelcare?) monitor. Then say ‘ You know how you opened then spent babies gift card, well this is what we want to use the money for, so you can order it and send it to us or we can pick it up this weekend. We need to sort this now though, as we don’t want Susannah’s family thinking you are a thief! Especially as Aunt is coming to visit Monday etc. We would also like the card that came with the card, as we are putting his baby box together!’ If she says no reply with ‘ok, that’s fine, so when can you sort it by? We will just rearrange/ delay visiting until you have ordered it or if you don’t want to order the monitor, we are happy to accept the cash, just let us know when you will have it ready, so we can arrange our visit to save a double journey’

I would also not visit your in laws on Christmas or birthdays. If you do, make sure you open any gifts at home. Get dh to ask bil to give any gifts via your dh/ your address. Or this will just repeat itself!

This reminds me of the CF MIL who deliberately kept a beautiful handmade gift that a relative had sent for her new grandchild. She claimed she thought it was for her, even though it was wrapped and labelled and more importantly embroidered with her new grandchild’s name and d.o.b! She had also opened and re wrapped all of their other gifts so could easily have stolen other gifts!

Your MIL seems to have previous for stealing from you. She is clearly a thief, a liar and a CF! Be very careful in future!

Bit of a coincedence dont you think???

00100001
if you're willing to break the relationship over £50 then go for it

What a ridiculous comment. It's the MIL who is willing to throw away a relationship with her son, DIL and grandchild because she is a thief.

I would get your dh to cancel and tell your in laws a)that you are short of cash as you have had to spend your petrol money on items for the baby you had planned to use the gift card for and b) you’re not sure you want to spend time with anyone who would steal from their own grandchild.

This!!!

I told my husband this morning that I don't want to go this weekend and he said he didn't blame me.

The only reason we're still considering it is because it's my BIL's birthday and his GF's family are throwing him a party. BIL rents a room from MIL and FIL so we don't have any options for staying elsewhere locally. His brother is great and we'd hate to miss his party.

Wow! You certainly See her true colours now! I've no advice on how to get your money back, but if you don't £50 lost now may save you hundreds of pounds and trauma over the course of your families lives!

Your Dh should contact his relatives and request that presents, family invites etc should go straight to him as mother has a habit of forgetting or loosing them. Then start distancing yourselves from this woman. I certainly would never spend a major occasion at hers e.g. Christmas. And you will need to teach your kids that granny has sticky fingers :)

If she's holding against you not getting a present because you had given birth then she is a horrible women.
How evil to take money meant for a child.
She's not a nice lady.
Best wishes to you and your family OP. X

Sent you a PM OP.

What I find even more odd about this situation is that my in-laws absolutely adore our son, they're more excited to see him then us, that's for sure. She emphatically thanked me for giving her a grandchild (her first one).

@Shumpalumpa

"Did she get baby a gift?"

Yes, a baby bath and clothes.

@taxicum

My husband is very independent and responsible with finances. His father (not MIL's current spouse) has always been the one to help him if needed.

We would never accept a large cash gift from his Mother because she would only offer it to gain power over him. Deep down I think she resents how completely independent he is of her.

In-laws didn't help with wedding or shower expenses or his education expenses at university nor his house deposit or car.

We don't go on holiday with them and rarely for meals out since my MIL loves to cook.

@PivotPivotPIVOTTT

Replied.

Maybe you should call BIL, explain the situation and why you won't be attending this weekend, but you would love to meet with him for a birthday get-together at another time elsewhere, as you obviously don't hold this against him. But out of principle you cannot pretend all is well when you know your MIL has stolen from her own GC.

I'm sure he'll understand.

I think you might regret it later down the line if you have a massive row over it/don't go see her etc. I think you should go see her and wait for the right moment to sit down and have a face to face chat. You need to allow her a way to make amends graciously. Perhaps you could explain how difficult finances are and that you were counting on that money to buy the much needed monitor and ask whether she could see her way to helping to fund that for her GC. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing about stealing from her GC.
Try to leave a way open for a harmonious relationship in the future for the sake of your child.

If you dont need them for anything, eg childcare then go have it out with them

I think if you’re at the stage of avoiding special family events because you don’t want to see her, then you have nothing to lose from a pretty direct conversation asking for the money. It’s not like if the conversation goes badly it’s going to disrupt existing plans.

As previous posters have suggested, ask for the money directly, calling it “baby’s money” and soecifying what you want it for.

At that point MIL may realise the jig is up and repay it swiftly. Or given that you’ve been direct with her, she might be direct with you and say “Well since you didn’t get me a birthday present I figured I’d keep the money.” Or she might come up with an excuse as to why she can’t give it to you. Or she may even have an unexpectedly legitimate reason for what’s gone on. One way or another you will get to hash it out with her, and you’ll either be able to attend BIL’s party with clear air, or will be able to give an explicit reason why you’re declining.

Whilst she isn’t a thief my MIL justifies her shitty behaviours by blaming something others have done (spent your weekend doing something nice when you could have visited her instead, expect repercussions for that) she thinks she’s 100% right and puts her feelings and agendas above anyone else. I honestly could imagine my MIL justifying keeping a gift card And spending it because she didn’t get a mother’s day pressie on time and didn’t get a bday present.
We are at the end of our tethers with MIL and are now low contact however if she pulled a stunt like that it’d be the final straw. The people who are saying don’t lose contact over this, I really disagree with - by maintaining the status quo you’re showing her do whatever she likes and you’ll put up with it. Why should you and why should your son have to grow up with someone who will happily do things like this as if it’s normal? I’m fuming on your behalf and I wouldn’t be going.
I’d be using the excuse about petrol money mentioned above and leave it at that.

She sounds horrible, and a thief and liar to boot. What company sends refunds by gift card these days? For the exact amount as the gift card? I think not. Then she'd lied about receiving it and spending it until there was proof it was used.

I wouldn't be taking the baby to see her until she replaces it and I'd get your DH to tell her exactly why. It's not a petty thing. The money might not be a huge amount, although if you're short of cash then it's a particularly nasty thing to do, but it's the principle. By ignoring it and brushing it under the carpet you are sending out a signal that you can be treated like that. Don't fudge it by talking about petrol money. Tell it like it is.

So she has form for poor behaviour? I would say about the baby's present, i would have your dh call her. If she refuses i would then refuse to go as it will be too uncomfortable. Your dh should tell his brother the truth if that happens that his mum has stolen from her grandson.

I agree that you should go ahead with getting her the birthday present. Then ask when she's replacing her grandchild's gift card.