AWBU or Should We Not Have to Ask my In-laws to Pay Us Back?

[OhNoSusanna]

Regular poster, NC due to very outing details, some minor details also changed.

Bit of background here, my MIL and my Mum decided to co-host a baby shower for me a few months back at my MIL's house. With my MIL's permission, gifts from family members who couldn't attend in person were mailed to her house.

My husband and I unfortunately came down with the flu and the shower had to be cancelled. Once we were well again we went to visit my in-laws and they gave us all the shower presents for our son, to take back with us.

Three months later we found out one of my Aunts had sent a gift card for the baby shower for a bit under £50 to my MIL's but we had never received. My MIL didn't recall receiving one so we assumed it had been delivered to the wrong address or lost in the mail so my aunt contacted the company to enquire about a replacement. They refused to replace it on the grounds that someone at the address it had been delivered to had used it.

My husband asked his Mum if she recalled any gift cards being delivered around that time from that company. It turned out that they were expecting a gift card from the same company for an item that my FIL had returned. They had mistakenly thought the gift card from my Aunt was for his return so had spent it. Then they cheekily thanked me for the meat grinder they bought with it.

I explained it to my Aunt and she said something to the effect that it was on my in-laws then to replace it, which my husband and I agreed with.

The gift card would have been addressed to my name, so it was a pretty bad mistake, but mistakes happen. So we figured they would offer to replace it in cash or gift card form. We are not well off and actually need to buy something for our son that we'd hoped to use that money for and they have the money to easily replace it.

4 days passed and they not only didn't offer to replace it but they didn't even apologise for the mistake. On the 5th day my husband asked his Mum directly by FB messenger when they would be able to replace the gift from my Aunt. His Mum read it and never responded.

My husband's theory on why she's behaving this way is because her birthday was shortly after the birth of our son, we were so busy and dealing with being new parents and my PND that we forgot to send her a card or get her a gift. We did tell her happy birthday though.

Before all this mix up happened we were planning to get her a belated gift to give her when we see her this weekend. My husband thinks she's butthurt that we didn't send her anything for her birthday and bitterly feels like we owe her so she doesn't need to replace the gift card. She has form for almost never ever admitting she's wrong or has made a mistake.

The gift card was from my Aunt though for our son! Not for us even and certainly not for my in-laws to spend on themselves from my Aunt they've never met.

We don't feel like we should have even been forced to ask for the money let alone be ignored when we did. I guess to some it's a small amount and maybe they'd let it go but it's not a small amount to us nor to my Aunt who sent it and I feel my in-laws have been incredibly rude.

So my AWBU is would it be unreasonable if when we show up at the in-laws this weekend if they don't offer to make things right that we just pack up and leave again? That's how my husband has proposed we deal with them.

If you do go this weekend (personally I wouldn’t) then pack up the meat grinder to take with you and sell on

you should go this weekend, and when you leave, take your meat grinder.

Great minds,, fourfox

Ok lets turn it round. It's £50 and Mil can't be arsed to repay it in order to keep things harmonious.

Fuck that she stole from your child. She can go whistle I wouldn't be speaking to her again without an apology and a replacement breathing monitor. (which I am guessing is to help with postnatal anxiety)

Stealing from their own grandchild is vile, I'd have DH tell them to put it right or not expect any visit from the child they have stolen from (nor his parents). I'd also be extremely wary of them in future.

The present was from OP's Aunt, but was stolen by the MIL, so they aren't the same family and I wouldn't want to get the other side involved, nor police, that's too much escalation for £50. Lack of access to their son and grandchild should be sufficient punishment if needed.

In your position, and assuming your husband is agreeable, he should send them an email saying sorry but you can't afford to visit them this weekend and could they please transfer the money for baby to your account as you need to buy the baby monitor it was earmarked for.

Their response will guide you as to how to treat them in future.

JessieMcJessie

"Look how nasty she was to her own son. No loss."

I have told my husband that if she ever said anything nasty like that to our son then it would be the last time she saw him.

I think I would have trouble just letting it go as some suggested, it's not my strongsuit. I loaned a beautiful evening bag to a friend once that I never saw again, I suspect she lost it or damaged it. Had she come clean then we could have moved on but instead she told increasingly bizarre lies about having tried to return it to me. It soured the friendship and I eventually cut her out completely.

Then there's my sister who stole from me repeatedly from childhood until we were adults when she stole an item of sentimental value left to me by our deceased Grandmother. I cut ties with her after that.

She is a thief.

I wonder if there were any other (perhaps off registry) gifts that she stole, of which you are not yet aware?

If you normally get her birthday and Mother's Day presents then she shouldn't have got butt hurt that she didn't get one this yet this year because of newborn. If she was really bothered by it, she could have asked if your DH was planning to get her a present (although even that is quite grabby).

As it is, she has made herself look ridiculous for £50.

Did she get baby a gift?

@Nousernameforme

"and a replacement breathing monitor. (which I am guessing is to help with postnatal anxiety)"

Yes, one of my biggest fears is cot death. Not just with our son, but almost every baby gift I've given to friends or family has been an item that is meant to prevent it. Like those body positioners that prevent a baby from rolling over on to their stomach.

It doesn't matter what the reason was. Theft is theft.

They obviously thought they would get away with it, as it was unlikely you would ever know your Aunt sent you a gift card. But they have been found out, and the least they can do is pay the money to you. That they haven't immediately offered this, is really sad.

Baby showers cost money. They either spent money preparing to host the baby shower, or they planned to spend money to host before you fell ill. You still got lots of presents. They didn't even have the pleasure of hosting as you fell ill. Your in-laws behaved badly but to go to war over £50 suggests a really poor relationship between parents and son to start off with. I would give them credit for the expenses they incurred or planned to incur, and let them know that my unhappiness is not so much about the loss of the money but about the deceit.

Hi Mil,
Here are our bank details for the £50 gift card meant for grandson you accidentally used. We are going to use it to buy a breathing monitor for your grandson which we want to buy asap so would be grateful if you could transfer the money today. See you at the weekend, thanks"

If no response or they refuse then don't go. I would pop a Birthday card in the post either way so you retain the moral high ground.

@BasicUsername

Everything else purchased from the wish list is accounted for. I made sure to double check after this.

I had thought it strange my Aunt hadn't even sent a card to us. I don't mean that to sound grabby it is simply that I know how my family works, none of my Mum's siblings would feel right ignoring a birth. Kids are a really big deal in my huge family and we all thought I'd never have one. We even received handmade gifts from friend's of my Mum, who I've never met. It makes me a bit emotional still thinking about their kindness.

I already sent my Aunt a picture thank you card, it's not her fault obviously that we never received the gift and I already felt rude that it was so late. Had I not done so already I would have taken up the suggestion someone made to have my in-laws send her a thank you card!

jessie polish I'm not being goady, I'm just pointing out that this isn't as simple as "I’d break a relationship over someone stealing from me. In a heartbeat." (just as my example isn't simple)

"why should they get a loan for the amount to cover the purchase of the breathing monitor?"

The OP was rather implying that this was essential to them, so if it was so very important,t hey should get a loan (or whatever) to purchase this essential equipment, as this clearly isn't going to resolve itself immediately.

I have not read the full thread. Sorry if this has already been said. It sounds like a lie. A big made up story. She wanted to spend that gift card herself. Thought she would get away with it. Got caught out. She has now made up some stupid stories and feels embarrassed and ashamed.
I would tell her you're very disappointed in what she has done and leave it at that.
She has ruined your trust in her.

I guess more than anything it's the principle of it. I simply cannot fathom ever doing something like that to anyone let alone family. My guilty conscience would never allow it for starters...

If I made such a mistake I'd be mortified then apologise and make it right.

OhNoSusanna

Exactly. It's very plainly wrong. We are taught from a young age that this sort of thing is wrong. It's o.k to make mistakes as long as we make it right again and deal with the consequences we are given. It may not be a lot of money but it's just so morally wrong I wouldn't know how to handle a family member doing it to me then lying about it.

She may have the replacement already to give to you this weekend?

If I was your DAunt I’d be pretty pissed my gift never reached you. In fact I would have called your MiL and asked for it’s return (to me).

I've had some other oddities with MIL pop into my head now.

Like how her parents told me (while I was still pregnant) they gave her a cash gift of £150 to give to us to buy things for the baby and it was 2.5 months before she gave it to us. Yes we got it in the end but it was just so weird and we felt uncomfortable bringing it up.

Also last Christmas my BIL gave me a £25 gift card (from the same company as the gift card this thread is about) that went missing. I had thought they might have accidentally thrown it away when picking up wrapping paper but I'm always so careful with gift cards, never lost a single one.

Also how when my MIL drove my son and me somewhere in our car she drove in the Bus Only lane. So a fine came to our house and she tried to partly blame me for it to my husband saying it only happened because I had no idea where we were going. My phone was giving audible turn by turn directions and none of those included "Drive in the lane with the gigantic words that say BUSES ONLY" I think she tried to blame me so we'd pay the fine.

Your MIL is lucky that your DH gives her the time of day, let alone makes the effort to drive so far to see her.

If I was your DH, it would be the straw that broke the camels back.

Even if struggling, they've had time to pay you back weekly, or save and do it in one go.

Is she a self-centered, selfish Woman, in general? It sounds as though she needs the spotlight on her and feels entitled to do whatever she wants, if it isn't.

If this isn't resolved, then don't go to live by her and go LC. Your DH needs to ask outright for it back.

It isn't what she has actually done, but what the incident represents.

Hi Op, first off I think you've handled this amazingly well. I loved it when you said, "I really don't want to think that.." and the tone of your posts sound like your able to stay open to the possibility there may be more going on here.

Don't answer any of my questions, just think about them

Whats the bigger picture in terms of your financial relationship with them? In the past, if you go out for meals together etc are they the ones to pay or do you split? Have they ever taken you on holiday?
Have they ever given you money as a gift for no reason other than it was a gift? Have they ever given you money as help with a deposit and have you faithfully repaid them if you had an agreement to do so? Whats the possibility that your DH has recieved money you didn't know about? What was your baby shower gift from them or financial involvement in previous life events such as a wedding etc? Is it possible she spent time and money on food/ drink/ decor for your shower that you couldn't attend?

The way you describe your MIL laughing and joking about the meat grinder indicates she could be very embarrassed by the situation.

Whats their relationship with money as a couple? Does FIL hold the purse strings, can MIL ask him to pay you back without being caught in the middle about finance? Is there anything else going on for them you might have missed in terms of changes in health, what I mean is arguements between them about forgetfulness etc?

The 'leech' comment indicates MIL has had v.strong feelings around your DH 'financially standing on his own two feet' for some reason in the past and that's why this came out in a very painful way. Did they make any contribution towards paying for his living expense or education? How did DH support himself at uni?

Has MIL been known to be a yes saying jackal(!?) meaning, does she saying "Yes, dear alright, yes fine, yes thats all alright, yes, of course" agreeing and agreeing, going along with things when inside she really wants to say "nooo!"

When people do this (especially over many years) it can come out in very uncharacteristic surprising ways as an attempt to rectify a real sense of injustice they feel but have imagined they can't talk about. Letter writing/ texting/ messaging is quite indicative of someone who can't (for some reason) open up honestly face to face.

I really liked the comment that the gift was from your Aunt to the baby, not for either of you. If you can be brave enough to tell her that, preferably from a calm centered place over the phone, I think it could be helpful for her. Scarey I know.

She's hitting out at you however she can.

Has her's been a happy marriage? You say she threw out your DH, was FIL around?