to tell someone they're making me uncomfortable

[LittleMermaidRose]

A workmate seems to have formed an unhealthy attachment to me.

After work drinks have been arranged for this Friday but I've decided not to go (just don't want to) but now my workmate won't stop badgering me about it.

Lots of other workmates are going so it's not like she'll have nobody else to talk to. We aren't even close to each other anyway.

It's constant questions about why I'm not going, her trying to pressure me to go. I've told her no, tried ignoring her. She's in a bit of a huff with me now (perfect!) but I know that won't last and she'll be back to bothering me again.

I'm genuinely starting to feel creeped out now, it's like she's obsessed (and this is not the first time this has happened, I'm aware I might come across as conceited).

What can I say to her to let her know she's making me uncomfortable?? I don't want things to be awkward at work.

Tell her that you have anxiety and are uncomfortable with maintaining a level of friendship you can't cope with.

If she persists, send her an email saying the same.

If she still persists, raise a grievance with HR.

Tell her you're sure she doesn't mean to cause you angst but you find the continual asking uncomfortable.

Please don't tell her she 's making you uncomfortable. How you feel is up to you. Address her behaviour, which she can affect, e.g. please stop asking me about the drinks, I don't want to go. If you are feeling less bold, say you have other arrangements.

Oh I think you need to put this in writing to your manager or whoever you answer to.

Just email it...so it's down on record.

It sounds a bit odd.

Having a quiet word with your manager might help (depends on the manager, though), especially if you lay it out like it is here.

Don't tell her she is making you feel uncomfortable.

Next time she tries say loudly and firmly "Just STOP! I am NOT going."

If she tries after that email your manager, HR etc and ask them to talk to her about harrassing colleagues.

Jeez you're not at school, don't go to the manager.

If you're really uncomfortable just say to her, please don't ask again, it's making me uncomfortable, and leave it there.

You need to make sure she knows you want her to stop. So tell her, and keep a diary saying what you told her and when. If you go straight to management she will face a disciplinary and may well lose her job, and without a reference will find it hard to get a new one. Although you may feel that's fair retribution for the distress she has caused you, it is actually downright cruel if she doesn't understand her advances are unwelcome (and strange as that seems, it may well be the case).

Might your colleague be on the autism spectrum? People with autism sometimes develop an ‘obsession’ with a person. She might not know she’s doing it, so just tell her you need a bit more space.

I used to have a friend who started getting too close (basically copying me in everything, becoming a second me), but she was then diagnosed with autism, which explained it. We had a few talks and she changed her behaviour, and we were good friends again after that.

Some people just get used to badgering others, because mostly it works, others give in eventually to get rid of them. It may not be you at all, just how she deals with everything she wants - badger badger badger, nag nag nag. As others have suggested, just say No loudly. Just No.

Google broken record technique. Work out your sentence for saying 'I'm not going' and just keep saying it each time she raises the subject.

Look her in the eye and say “What part of NO don’t you understand? I’m getting very sick of repeating myself. I... AM...NOT...GOING!”

Just politely confirm that you are not going. That isn't going to make it awkward at work, why would it? If you are not close friends with this woman why would it be an issue?

What stood out to me is that this has happened to you before - in a different workplace?

'not at school' - which means the OP is no longer bound by 'don't sneak'.

if a colleague is a nuisance and behaving inappropriately, that is what managers are paid for.

Tell her you’re going, just to shut her up then don’t turn up.

Send her an email (so it’s in writing) and tell her that, as you’ve already told her several times, you will NOT go the work do on Friday.
If she asks again, tell her to stop asking continuously as this will not change your mind.
If she really insists still and it starts feeling like a real annoyance/bullying or has some effect on your work or work relationships (eg she is starting to involve other people), then yes I would involve HR.

I suspect she will stop at the end of the week when the work do will have happened.

Mysocks
That’s going to make it worse.

Tell her you’re going, just to shut her up then don’t turn up.

😂

Sod's Law she'd be waiting after work to accompany the OP to the pub in case she makes a run for it.

I'd be very rude in a jokey manner "Blimey, you're a real pain in the hole when you want something, aren't you?" accompanied by a friendly laugh and followed by another No.

'no matter how many times you ask me, my answer isn't going to change. in fact the more you ask me, the more i'm NOT going.'

definitely start distancing yourself so it's clear you don't consider her a friend. it is harsh, but if she weren't acting like this, you wouldn't have to make it clear...

Tell her calmly before you snap.
This happened to me once and the woman just never gave up going on and on about the works' drinks and why I wasn't going.
In the end I told her really firmly "No, I'm not going. Just drop it". I should have been firmer with her earlier and calmer. Unfortunately it came across snappy. She reported me to the boss and I got an absolute bollocking.

I would not recommend going to a manager. Personally, as a manager I would wonder why you were not able to sort out the situation yourself. She's irritating and relentless but as pp just be strong and stand your ground. She will get the message. Running to the manager could escalate a harmless situation. It's hardly bullying.

She reported me to the boss and I got an absolute bollocking.

Some people are oblivious to how rude they're being, but ultra-sensitive to perceived slights.

In the end I told her really firmly "No, I'm not going. Just drop it". I should have been firmer with her earlier and calmer. Unfortunately it came across snappy.

You got a bollocking for that veggie? That seems really unreasonable of your boss. How is it their business if you snap at someone for pestering you?! It's not as if you snapped at them for something directly to do with work!