to ask with your help re how to respond to questions? (Complicated pregnancy)

[MichiganSparkles]

I'm currently awaiting test results which could give an indication as to whether my baby is ok or not. It's all extremely stressful and I'm not coping with it very well.

I've had a bit of time off work due to anxiety. I've never had time off work before and they've been extremely supportive of me (even if my manager is a bit awkward talking about pregnancy stuff!).

I'm back to work for the first day today, and expecting lots of questions about how I'm doing, how baby is, what's been going on etc. As far as everyone else is concerned I've been on leave the past week and a half (I asked for this to be put on the calendar as I am quite private and don't like people knowing something is wrong).

How do I respond to these questions at this highly emotional time without giving away that there might be something seriously wrong? Without bursting in to tears?

I understand people are trying to be nice and I don't want to lose my cool with anyone, but I don't think I'll cope well with the intrusive questions. I have a terrible poker face and people will know something is not right.

AIBU to ask for your advice? Not really an AIBU but lots of traffic (and honesty!) on this thread...

Would it actually help you to be honest without giving too much detail? Perhaps you could explain "we are concerned about our baby having some problems and I find it very hard to talk about it, thanks for your caring, it means a lot, I will let you know when I am feeling like I have things together again". This way people will be aware of your being sensitive in this matter and you will also avoid over-enthusiastic questions about your baby.

I am thinking of you and your baby and wishing everything works out for the best. Big hugs!

Thank you @aurynne - I couldn't even read your response without welling up a bit. I can feel little one kicking me. To think baby might not make it after we've come this far is our reality right now..

I don't know if I have the strength to be honest!

Different scenario but I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, it was the period between testing and diagnosis I had some time off to attend appointments etc but had to return whilst awaiting the results, I knew people knew I was unwell but couldn't bare the thought of having to tell the story over and over, my manager knew so I asked her to forward an email to everyone just explaining that id been off ongoing health issues a blah blah and that although I respect all colleagues id appreciate not discussing it at work but would discuss when I was ready, could you do so something similar, I actually found people were super understanding and it was OK, wishing the best for you BTW x

MichiganSparkles, please think that you are already giving your baby the best possible protection in the world: your womb, your blood, your love. You are doing your absolute best and everything in your hand to protect him/her. I am a midwife and would love to help you with anything I can, please feel free to PM for questions, a chat, a rant, sometimes talking to a stranger is easier.

Can you ask your manager to briefly explain to everyone for you? Not in great detail, obviously, but reminding people that it's all a bit stressful for you and your partner and you'd rather not talk about it right now, but wanted people to know in case you're a bit quiet over the next few days, or something?

Also, I really hope the results come back saying that everything is just fine - I'll be thinking of you and your baby.

So sorry you’re in this horrible situation and hoping for a positive outcome for you and your baby.

My daughter was diagnosed with trisomy 18 at 23 weeks and we chose to continue with the pregnancy. It is hard when everyone from colleagues to strangers on the train acts like you’re happily pregnant with no idea that you’re worried everyday you’re baby has died and you know the chances of her living until a year should she make it to birth are less than 10%.

I was very honest and open with everyone in the end. I found that led to fewer questions than being vague, vagueness seemed to encourage them to inquire further. Straightforward “my baby has a serious illness and probably won’t survive” meant it was usually them changing the subjects.

Thanks everyone. I don't know if I could cope with my manager sending out a message. I think people would just act off with me then which would be equally as difficult. But I can see how that would be helpful.

I just burst in to tears in our kitchen area because my friend just sent a message to announce the birth of her baby girl. I'm so, so happy for her. It just brought it all home. I'm a complete mess. Why am I at work? I've never felt like this before in my 30 years of life. Just awful.

Are you sure you are ok to be at work. I worked with a lady that came into the office whilst in process of diagnosis of her unborn baby and she just sat at her desk looking teary and not doing much. I felt so sad for her and wished she had felt able to just spend time at home rather than being in such a public place.

Do you know when the test results are expected back? Maybe your GP could sign you off until then. Personally I wouldn’t go into work, your mental health is more important. I’m sure they can cope without you in exceptional circumstances such as these.

I don't know. I'm currently in tears in the bathroom so probably not but I don't get paid if I'm off and I just can't afford to be docked another two weeks worth of wages. It's a terrible reason not to look after my health but I can't afford the time off. This is awful. We do have money but it's for my maternity leave. We also just spent 450 on NIPT which is one of the tests we are waiting for.

I could be getting some results back today, but that's only a maybe. I guess they'll just come in one by one over the next two weeks.

I have been in your exact shoes. Unfortunately for me, my results weren't good and ultimately my son was stillborn when I was induced at 38 weeks. I sincerely hope things turn out better for you.

To the point though - when people asked I just told them as much as I felt comfortable with. I told some people that my son had problems, and other times I just told them I was doing okay and the pregnancy was going fine. Despite my son's problems, that wasn't strictly untrue. For all intents and purposes, the pregnancy itself was going well and in the words of the drs 'functioning as it should'. It really just depended on how I felt that day.

You don't have to push yourself to say more than you are willing, but it does lessen the burden to be able to confide in people and have some support.

Best of luck

Thanks @sosks - now to control the crying. I'm such an awkward person anyway, I'm rubbish in situations like this.

So sorry you went through that. I can only imagine how it feels

Thank you so much @aurynne - I'm brand new to mn. How do I PM? Do you know anything about echogenic and possibly dilated bowel on an ultrasound?

So sorry for those who have shared their stories on here with me. It's so tough. I'm still sat on the loo waiting until I feel safe to leave the bathroom and not ball my eyes out.

Staring at my phone waiting for it to ring...

There is a link at the top right side of every post that says "Message poster", you can use that for private messaging.

A echogenic bowel on its own, without any other soft marker, can be absolutely nothing (an artifact) in the majority of cases. I've had 3 women on the last year come up with an echo in the bowel and baby was perfectly fine. I understand that if it comes together with dilation, or other markers, it could indicate a number of disorders, however without detail the best person to guide you through this will be the radiologist and obstetrician, who will be aware of your specific case.

The absolute worst at the moment is the not knowing, as you well know by now. How far along your pregnancy are you?

Thanks @aurynne - I can't see it so much not be available in the app.

I'm 23 weeks. They should have done the blood test as soon as they found the echogenic bowel but it was 5pm and they made me come back a week later. If I knew the agony this would cause I would've pushed to come back the next day. Anyway, it's done now.

I feel like I'm really far along and can feel baby kicking me. It's just a constant reminder. I was so happy up until my 20 week scan and now I'm just a nervous wreck.

Echogenic bowel was still seen in the second scan, and a third one they did yesterday. Ah man, this is horrendous.

Oh michigan I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I would absolutely recommend taking the time you need if you don’t feel able to go to work right now. Could you even take one week off while you are waiting for results? I would not want to be in work waiting for results like this.

I’m thinking of you and your baby

I now have a missed call on my phone and am terrified it was this hospital with some results nobody is picking up in their antenatal unit.

Thank you @Yerp - I'm here now so going to struggle through the day, but will re-evaluate tomorrow if I don't get good news today. If it's bad news I won't need to worry about maternity leave so can take a bit more time off. Hopefully it won't come to this.

Keep trying the line, I always had trouble getting through in the mornings. If they did call you with results, fingers crossed for the best hope you get through to them soon!

Thanks @sosks - they're going to be so sick of me calling!

No problem! Don't worry about annoying them, it's for a very good reason

i have sent you a PM, let me know if you get it, and then you can just reply to it :)

Is there anyone in work you are close to and trust to be a wingperson of sorts so that if anyone asks you can just say 'waiting to hear back about a few things'. Most people would just say hope all's ok but if anyone tried to pry wingperson could swoop in with a distraction/work question?
Sorry I know waiting is awful but if someone was able to divert the others it might help.
And I do hope it all goes ok for you 💐