The Radfords

[highchairhell]

Hey all, after a night struggling with a teething baby and a toddler with chicken pox I ended up thinking about how the radfords cope? There just wasn't enough of me last night to give both the constant attention they wanted, and my DH was helping but it was constant and exhausting.

How on Earth do the radfords cope? Surely their children teeth, get poorly, need advice, homework help, feeding, bathing, one on one time etc so HOW?

I guess my aibu is to think they can't? Surely they can't be in 21 places at once?!

Even if she would have done that she would have struggled to get them all in one school. Tbh she’d have fun in my borough as siblings no longer get priority after people next to schools no longer got places as ppl were getting first child then moving away.

Fluffy why does that bother you? I think Alfie is very much part of their family and the siblings feel that way, I don't think it is the parents pushing that. I remember Chris tagging Sophie on Alfie's birthday/anniversary as he had lit a lantern thing and released it...he wasn't even living with the family but seemed to do this from his own violition.

I think it is really in bad taste and insensitive to say that how a family mourns a baby is odd/wrong.

Fluffy it makes me feel guilty.

I lost my boy at 24 weeks the same year. I only have 3 living children but I just don't have the time to visit him that much.

I really hope the family especially Sue received some emotional help after it happened. The loss of a child and sibling is so huge. I needed counselling as did my oldest DD.

The mum Redford feeds her narcissism with babies, and the children pay the price. They are unlikely to realise this or be allowed the space to discuss. It would be unsurprising if many of the children follow their parents' lead - just as so many do.
But this is all about the mother and nothing to do with what's best for the children.

wow Cheesey spot on.

panda so sorry for your loss I agree that the loss of a sibling is a huge thing, even if they didn't 'know' him/her. Don't feel guilty about not visiting your little one much, you know yourself how he is loved and thought of everyday.

I also remember in one of the shows where Sue had a mmc at 12 weeks and being quite surprised but touched by the reaction of a boy who was about 12 at the time. He was really tearful and saying how upset he was as it was his brother/sister and from the moment they are conceived that they are loved and part of the family. (I paraphrased a bit but that was the gist) I was moved but at the same time admittedly a bit surprised by his reaction. Then I had to remind myself that their pregnancies are very much a family thing; they go to the scans together, choose a new pram, choose clothes etc so from the minute Sue announces her pregnancy that baby is very much their sibling no matter how many weeks it is.

Cheesey, I don't disagree with that but I think that many women are narcissistic in that way, they just have fewer babies. The baby is all but a 'prop' and is for the benefit of the woman who feels that she needs that baby. It's all a bit messed up.

At what point was it narcissistic for the Radfords to have that number of children? 2? 4? 9? 15? How many?

@lastnightidreamtofpotatoes I don't know, she was only 7 when it happened, so it struck me. I guess we all deal with loss differently. I think it would probably be better to just stick with saying there's something about this mother's attitude to having babies that disturbs me and bothers me. And there is something that bothers me about the family. I do have a number of friends who've had loss and every family deals with it differently. There is no right or wrong. I agree with pp about hoping she/they had counselling and things are as mentally healthy as possible.

@pandamodium I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤️

As awful as it sounds i think if your 11 yo is devastated at a late miscarriage you have involved them WAY too much in the pregnancy emotionally. No child should need counselling for the loss of a pregnancy half way through term. Awful for the mother, yes. But shouldnt be for the child.

Fluffy I get what you are saying, but it must have been a huge shock to the children who were used to a newborn arriving home nearly every year. I too hope they got help if they wanted it.

Just that was my point, Sue's pregnancies seem to be a very collective family event, the dc are heavily emotionally invested from day 1. I remember Chloe was devastated, saying that you love them unconditionally from day 1. I suppose when you are in a mega family you naturally take on the role of a 'sibling parent' and the line between parent and sibling is more porous than smaller traditional families.

Last yes I agree with you.
Children should only, especially when little, become excited right at the end. In the case of stillbirth it is different, as the grief cannot be avoided for any of the family. And it is normal for a child to be excited about a born, existing baby. But they don't have capacity to understand before, particularly in early pregnancy, so any grief they have is that which is projected onto them by the parents, which isn't fair, and is emotionally damaging.
It also influences their reactions to future pregnancies where children may develop anxiety it will happen again, whilst all the while nothing in their world has changed whatsoever.

The only people who should be truly heartbroken by pregnancy losses, are the parents.

I agree with both of you and it is something I find very hard to put into appropriate words.

I dont think it is healthy to tell children everything all the time. Crazy, old fashioned thinking eh?

I'm very jealous of how easy she finds pregnancy and childbirth and babies.

If I wasn't so unwell during pregnancy then we'd have more babies - albeit not 21! 😂

Huge respect for them! 🙌🏻

Me neither pump.
Fwiw we dont know she finds it easy. We see an edited couple of days on tv and facebook photos. She could feel rough as hell and really depressed.

respect? er no

From personal experience; the older DC are likely miserable, the middle DC will be resentful of the younger ones, and the younger DC will be unaware who their Mother actually is.

My DSS' is the oldest of many children his DM has (can't say how many as it would be outing) and he is fucking miserable. He doesn't get freedom to have friends around as there's no room, or freedom to even go out and see them much as he's needed at home to help with the littler ones. He gets no quiet time to revise for his exams as his house is bouncing.
He has no privacy, shares a room with 3 siblings, and is about to have even less time as DM is pregnant again. He has said he knows it will be more stress on the family, but being the oldest it will fall to him to pick up the slack as he has done each time she's become pregnant. When DM needs a lie down due to pregnancy tiredness, (pretty much daily as she's past 40 now) he has to sort out his siblings and always has done. He helps with their school work to the detriment of his own. He has said how much calmer it is at our house, and also he likes how much more talking there is, as his own home is just "noise". He's said his favourite thing about here is that it's nice to be able to sit and have a chat about stuff. How fucked up is that? This is with a lot of siblings, but still far less than the Radfords.

They can delude themselves that because their DC aren't complaining, they aren't suffering. But they are, and are just too respectful of their parents feelings to be honest about how their urge to keep breeding is impacting their own lives.

The Radfords are selfish in the extreme, although I judge Daddy Radford more harshly due to his being a sexual predator, plucking a schoolgirl out of Year 9 and making her a mother at 13 gave her very little other choice than to keep going.

They're an embarrassment to themselves, but this is one of the possible outcomes of reproductive freedom.

Some people are incapable of balancing their impulses against what's best for their children.

What do you mean she "had to keep going"? Having a baby at 14 doesn't mean you have to go on and have another 20.

As awful as it sounds i think if your 11 yo is devastated at a late miscarriage you have involved them WAY too much in the pregnancy emotionally. No child should need counselling for the loss of a pregnancy half way through term. Awful for the mother, yes. But shouldnt be for the child.

I find this comment very upsetting. I lost 2 daughters 21 and 24 weeks and it's far more than a 'late miscarriage'. I was showing both times and had felt movement for weeks, been for scans etc. Both times we knew the sex etc. Late loss is very rare so of course most siblings will know about it by mid pregnancy. It's perfectly find to remember those that passed away. They remain part of the family. Nothing ignorant you say can change that.

And Pink I am sorry for your loss and that is horrendous. But for children who are siblings to share the same heartbreak, is, to me, not right. They have not felt the movements, they don't have the same attachment a mother does.
IMO it is disappointment, as opposed to grief, for a child. The grief is the parents'. I appreciate I haven't been in that position, but for a child to need professional help seems extreme.

Pink. There isn't a problem remembering, I didn't say that. But children shouldn't be forced to grieve for their parents. I would attempt to shield my child from any loss because I feel it's unfair to put that grief on them. Understandable they'd be upset for a while, but not totally devastated because they shouldn't see that level of grief. I am not saying it's inappropriate that you were devastated at all.