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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in turmoil

68 replies

Itsjustlife · 02/07/2018 21:47

Hi all, having a tough time at home currently and not sure how to handle things. Never asked for advice before so bear with me.

I’m a new father (10 months and constantly learning), something I’ve wanted forever and I’m loving. My little one is amazing and a joy. However I believe my wife is struggling and im taking the brunt of it all. She watches me constantly with LO and correcting or advising on everything I do to the point where I’m holding back doing things for LO as I know I will be criticised throughout. I’ve always known she is controlling and have accepted it with things such as the house and where we go etc but I feel strongly about having an influence on LO I need to resist this. The control issue is also manifesting itself in my family being allowed to see LO monthly if that and her family several times a week which is hurting me. Fortunately my job has allowed my wife to not work and care for LO but she has become so obsessive, I’m quite laid back however these issues are something I feel I need to stand up for but I always met with a barrage of abuse. I dread coming home to it and never feel relaxed or comfortable. I’m sure I do things that annoy sometimes but nothing serious or intentional. What the hell can I do? I’ve never been part of a solid family unit and it’s all I want for my child

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/07/2018 21:51

Sorry to hear this. It sounds very upsetting for you. What reason does your wife give for only allowing your family to see the baby once a month?

Why haven't you just taken the baby to your parents house?

Original poster
Itsjustlife · 02/07/2018 21:56

I haven’t taken LO over as in all honestly I wouldn’t be allowed

OP posts:
Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/07/2018 21:58

What would happen if you say "we've been invited, you can stay if you want but we're going"?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/07/2018 22:00

You are allowed. Just as your wife is allowed to take the baby to her family.

You can't live like this. Have you tried talking to her? Telling her that you aren't happy and are scared to talk to her?

topcat2014 · 02/07/2018 22:03

You need to point out the fairness issue. You are quite capable of looking after your child on your own, the way you want to. DW does not need to helicopter you in this fashion.

Either the baby sees both sets of families once a month, or both several times a week.

Unreasonable to expect otherwise.

LankinMcElf · 02/07/2018 22:09

This reply has been deleted

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ThinkingCat · 02/07/2018 22:12

Could try to gently talk to her about why she seems not to trust you. She is a first-time mum and is probably anxious.

MVLipwig · 02/07/2018 22:12

@LankinMcEld would you say that to a woman whose husband corrected everything she did and limited her families contact with her baby?

Original poster
Itsjustlife · 02/07/2018 22:16

Not sure why anyone would go to the effort to make this up. I’m here as I want to know what I can do to put things right, I’m not saying I’m a victim but there is a situation to be addressed.
I have tried talking.. sometimes it’s accepted and apologies are exchanged but essentially nothing changes.

OP posts:
LankinMcElf · 02/07/2018 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LankinMcElf · 02/07/2018 22:29

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm gone strangely quiet here🧐

Angie169 · 02/07/2018 22:37

lankin
can you explain why you think that itsjustlife is a wimp ?
if it was the DM that was not allowed DC to see her family would you call her a wimp or the DH a bully for not letting her go ?
What is it that 'jars ' with you ?

itsjustlife
It seems that you have tried to explain the way you feel about been constantly corrected and it has fallen on deaf ears , so would it be possible to suggest that as a treat for DP she has a weekend away with a friend at a spa / activity holiday or if the funds wont go that far a day out with a friend shopping , coffee etc and you look after LO .
Hopefully she will see that you will cope very well and trust you to take care of things on your own a little more .
Failing that is there a parenting kind of class you could both go to so you can 'learn' things together.

Good look with sorting things out, keep us posted .

MVLipwig · 02/07/2018 22:39

ItsJustLife, I don’t have any better advice for you I’m afraid but how would your wife react if you spoke directly about this? Explain you feel pushed out of parenting, and ask if there’s any reason she doesn’t trust you. Also ask why she doesn’t like the baby seeing your family, and maybe frame you taking the child as a break for her? Things really do need to change for you, your current situation doesn’t sound healthy

AlphaBravo · 02/07/2018 22:41

"Wouldnt be allowed"? It's your fucking baby too. Act like it. Tell her you're taking the baby out to see your family. Unless the baby is breastfed it will be 100% fine without her. Even then several hours would also be fine.

Get a grip. Stand up for yourself.

Singlenotsingle · 02/07/2018 22:43

How well do you get on with your MIL? Could you speak to her and get her onside?

Deshasafraisy · 02/07/2018 22:45

Lankin- ffs a guy asking for advice and you attack him? Not cool.

Itsjustlife - I really think you need to talk to her, a baby can be a difficult time for a couple. Communication is essential to get through it.

Deshasafraisy · 02/07/2018 22:48

Alpha - that’s terrible advice. If his wife is struggling to cope, being over protective etc can you imagine the distress she would be in if he just took the baby? Never mind the lasting damage it would do to their relationship. He sounds like he’s trying to fix it not make it worse.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/07/2018 22:53

You need to take the baby to see your parents or invite them round.What do you mean by not being allowed? How's.could she stop you?

If you.want your marriage to.succeed you need to talk to her about these things. If you can't talk to her then maybe its better if you considef separating. It sounds like you and your family would get more time with your baby if you did that anyway

You haven't mentioned whether you love her and how your relationship is in other ways.

Storm4star · 02/07/2018 22:54

I’ve always known she is controlling and have accepted it

When a woman comes here asking for advice in a situation such as yours then admits things weren’t great before, she is always asked “so why did you have a child with this man”.

You admit you knew she was controlling so stands to reason she’d also be controlling over your child. Didn’t you consider this? Sorry to sound harsh but this is what I see women asked so the same question applies here.

I don’t know what you can do, you say you’ve tried talking and it’s got you nowhere. In a reverse situation people would be saying “ltb” but you can’t do that because of your child. Maybe if you say the relationship is at risk due to her behaviour it may be a wake up call or she may just call your bluff. Not easy.

teaandtoast · 02/07/2018 22:56

What are your family like with the baby? Could your wife limit time with your family as they're unsafe with the baby/take the baby off her/belittle her or her mothering?

There could be many reasons. It would be good to understand your wife's position.

AlsoAppearing · 02/07/2018 23:11

@Lankin - WOW! Entirely unjustified. I knew a woman like this. Her husband was lovely, and tried to do everything he could for her. She clearly had mental health issues. He spent his life trying to minimise situations/events that would set her off. Their children seeing his family was a big trigger, to the point that she insisted that they move away, so that his family would lose contact. His family had done nothing wrong, and doted on the children. That was the point that he decided enough, and filed for divorce.

I don't have any words of wisdom, OP, but please ignore the troll that calls itself an elf. If you were a woman, describing those behaviours in a man, probably LankinMcElf would lead the chorus of LTB.

LankinMcElf · 02/07/2018 23:26

Big apologies to all I have offended. I have clearly been inappropriate. Am now shutting up.

ForestDad · 02/07/2018 23:42

Hi OP, clearly this situation needs resolving.

Start small, find a time she's most likely to be receptive to a conversation about her behaviour (when child asleep, cup of tea etc.). I'd tell her how you feel, pointing out imbalance in family contact etc and what you'd like to do to change (if she doesn't ask). Based on your OP it sounds like this may make her angry. Be ready for this and maybe ask her to think about it and calm down. If she doesn't seem to care how you are being affected by her behaviour you probably need professional help.
At 10 months you should be easily able to take the baby out for a few hours by yourself, frame it as good for everyone (break for her etc). Alternatively if she doubts your abilities perhaps go somewhere all 3 of you and ask her to let you look after the baby even though she is there. When she sees you can do it she might back off.
Hope this is helpful, to be honest it sounds like you have a hard road ahead changing this.
Can't believe some of the other responses above (some people on here seem to assume that any relationship problem is the man's fault).

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 03/07/2018 00:01

What is it that you do «wrong»?
I can see that relaxed and laid back might be flacky depending on the person’s standard. For example my DH didn’t see it as a big deal to get a coat for the toddler when it was chilly. He saw that as being a relaxed parent and me just a nag. Until our toddler cried all the way home because he was very cold that day and his dad had taken him to the park with just a tee-shirt. Not a big deal on it’s own but the some of all of those occurrences made me think that my DH wasn’t up to the job to care for our son. His attitude with it, making out I was the one being unreasonable for getting upset by his incompetence, made matters worse.
Another question to ask yourself is «Is she knackered? «, because that tend to make people very snappy or overeact. Do she get some respite from caring from your son or doing household chores? Does she get time to catch up on lost sleep?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 03/07/2018 00:02

The sum, not the some

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