Man in turmoil

[Itsjustlife]

Hi all, having a tough time at home currently and not sure how to handle things. Never asked for advice before so bear with me.

I’m a new father (10 months and constantly learning), something I’ve wanted forever and I’m loving. My little one is amazing and a joy. However I believe my wife is struggling and im taking the brunt of it all. She watches me constantly with LO and correcting or advising on everything I do to the point where I’m holding back doing things for LO as I know I will be criticised throughout. I’ve always known she is controlling and have accepted it with things such as the house and where we go etc but I feel strongly about having an influence on LO I need to resist this. The control issue is also manifesting itself in my family being allowed to see LO monthly if that and her family several times a week which is hurting me. Fortunately my job has allowed my wife to not work and care for LO but she has become so obsessive, I’m quite laid back however these issues are something I feel I need to stand up for but I always met with a barrage of abuse. I dread coming home to it and never feel relaxed or comfortable. I’m sure I do things that annoy sometimes but nothing serious or intentional. What the hell can I do? I’ve never been part of a solid family unit and it’s all I want for my child

It sounds really difficult. That behaviour by the mother might be understandable at a few weeks, but not at 10 months. Most mums I know are only too keen to get time to themselves at that stage. And most Dads really enjoy one on one time.

Can you build up slowly, take the baby out for walks, trips to the park etc?

I’d separate this from not seeing your family which I see is upsetting too but a different argument.

Itsjustlife Ignore the idiots and just look at the good advice.
Usually the relationships board is a much nicer place.
So please post there from now on.
You'll get far more support over there.

I also think your DW may have PND.
Is that something she would be prepared to talk about and look into with her GP?

Amazed lankin's posts are still standing

I believe my wife is struggling and im taking the brunt of it all
Try focusing on the first part of that statement instead of the second. She doesn't sound happy or well to me.

Lankin seems like a sloppy drunk..

Sorry you've had some negative comments op but thought I'd give some specific advice. Perhaps invite your family over to your place so she can see how good they are with dc. Then at that point, when everyone is together, plan another visit to them or a day our with your family and dc.
I wouldn't want her to feel picked on but at least she will have to justify her issues if she refuses.

Just for context, when you have a baby the mum is constantly told by health visitors, midwives etc that "mum knows what's best for baby" Even the most rational woman becomes very over protective, thinking that they should instinctively know how to deal with everything and anything that goes wrong will have them being accused of being a bad mother. When you talk to her bear all this in mind.

Apologies if I’m totally out of line, but if what you say is true you are a wimp at best @LankinMcElf

Would you say that if the roles were reversed? Which they often are, by the way

Nasty comment.

I hate to admit that I was somewhat like your wife with regards to my in laws having contact with my DCs. It was a result of anxiety. I felt threatened by them and felt like they were judging everything I did or didn't do. I tried to limit contact because the idea of seeing them made me feel so awful. But it was my fault, not theirs. Yes, there were things that they did that did wind me up, but ultimately it was my own insecurity that made the situation that way. I would suggest speaking to your wife to find out if there's anything like that, and if it is that she feels threatened or judged by them, then try to work out why that is and see if there's anything either of you can do to make that not the case.

Could you do some form of joint counselling? It is hard when you are the main caregiver to see the other do it differently, partly as you're used to doing it yourself and partly as you probably know the child better so know what works and what's going to put them out their routine etc

However she does need to recognise you are the equal parent and your views count just as much. It's fundamentally not fair to just parent the way one person wants and to only see one parents family (if both families are willing and there are no issues with either of them etc)

You could try baby steps - if she is afraid to leave him then start out for a few minutes at a time and build up to a longer period but agree thins like food / schedules etc in advance if that's what's worrying her and write lists together (don't forget snacks, hat, suncream etc) so she can relax knowing he will be looked after the same as he would be with her.

However if she is like this in every aspect of your lives together it's going to be difficult for her to change even if she wants to and I think you might need outside help. You know if you split up you might see him more!

Some great advice there, I’m going to make notes and approach it calmly and understandably. See how I can make it easier for her. Thanks everyone who has helped and I feel better about it.

You weren't advising Danny you were spamming/touting for business, which is against the rules.

Besides, did you think your message appropriate?

Thanks Helena.
Danny, you were hoping the OP was planning to leave his wife. You saw this as an opportunity to advertise your services.

I commend you for wanting to parent without being micromanaged. It's worth fighting for. The more you do the more you learn and the more mutually rewarding the experience is! Maybe the time has come for an honest discussion. This situation can't go on. If she drives you away and you split, ironically then you will be entitled to regular time alone with your little one. I'm sure she doesn't want it to come to that.

It sounds like your wife issuffering from anxiety. Has she seen a doctor about her controlling behaviour. Things like limiting access to people you don't know well/get on with, micromanaging how small things are done, being unable to cope with last minute changes to plans are disruption of routines are all common expressions of anxiety.

Glad the more obnoxious of Lannikin's posts have been deleted

@Itsjustlife if you don't mind me asking, what was the birth like? I know it sounds odd but I had quite a traumatic birth and sadly barely got to hold my baby before I had to go and have surgery post birth and still to this day it makes me sad that I didn't get much skin to skin in those first moments. I was just in complete shock! I was so anxious for most of the first year.

I'm embarrassed to say it made me quite controlling with things regarding little one. My poor DH was made to feel awkward too and looking back it makes me feel awful but I was just so anxious. There is such thing as postnatal anxiety which can definitely still be going strong at 10 months.

I hope you both manage to work through this together.

Forgot to add the main thing that helped me calm down a bit was DH taking little one out for a walk on his own. It sounds so stupid saying it now but he would go for short walks, increasing the time each time he went. It really helped me to do it gradually and I could then see that little one is absolutely fine and extremely well cared for with DH.

It all just improved from there. Now I'm really happy going out for a coffee by myself at the weekend, whilst DH takes little one to soft play or to see the in laws for the morning!!

I am a bit alarmed about the replies you are receiving on this thread. First I will try and imagine the other side without making excuses. Young mothers are frequently anxious, over protective, bossy and the expert. They also often favour their own family over the in laws. None of this makes it ok. She may be very vulnerable, or she may be a bully. Only you can work this out. The first thing to do is to sit down and have a frank conversation without putting her on the defensive. Explain how you are feeling as a result of criticism. You will only learn babyskills if you are allowed to practice. 40 years ago women were "allowed" to own babies but no longer. Why does she not want yourfamily to see the baby.