Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in turmoil

68 replies

Itsjustlife · 02/07/2018 21:47

Hi all, having a tough time at home currently and not sure how to handle things. Never asked for advice before so bear with me.

I’m a new father (10 months and constantly learning), something I’ve wanted forever and I’m loving. My little one is amazing and a joy. However I believe my wife is struggling and im taking the brunt of it all. She watches me constantly with LO and correcting or advising on everything I do to the point where I’m holding back doing things for LO as I know I will be criticised throughout. I’ve always known she is controlling and have accepted it with things such as the house and where we go etc but I feel strongly about having an influence on LO I need to resist this. The control issue is also manifesting itself in my family being allowed to see LO monthly if that and her family several times a week which is hurting me. Fortunately my job has allowed my wife to not work and care for LO but she has become so obsessive, I’m quite laid back however these issues are something I feel I need to stand up for but I always met with a barrage of abuse. I dread coming home to it and never feel relaxed or comfortable. I’m sure I do things that annoy sometimes but nothing serious or intentional. What the hell can I do? I’ve never been part of a solid family unit and it’s all I want for my child

OP posts:
LankinMcElf · 03/07/2018 00:26

itsjustlife
I’ve said sorry. Why are you not responding to all the advice you are being offered?

Blinkys · 03/07/2018 00:33

Not sure why men on Mumsnet so often feel the need to stick on their "I'm a man!!! Look! A man!!!" suit whenever they post.

LankinMcElf · 03/07/2018 01:03

I so hate it when I’m right

LankinMcElf · 03/07/2018 01:15

I don’t actually, I’m Mrs mc smug pants.
Please please tell me that I am an absolute bitch and that I was so very wrong about it all.
Am fully prepared to admit that I am a suspicious old bag. Not a troll, big thanks to whoever that was.

Maldives1986 · 03/07/2018 01:16

Has nobody considered that he's gone quiet because he's asleep? Just a thought...

@Itsjustlife I haven't bothered to real all the comments because quite frankly a lot of them are alarmingly sexist. Without knowing your wife, is it possible that she is suffering with postnatal depression. This could be causing her massive anxiety's about being parted from the baby and to be overly paranoid about the babies safety even when she has no reason to be concerned.

The first step is to talk to her about the way you feel but you must try to do it in a way that is non accusatory. Perhaps instead of saying you make me feel x, y, z. Because you're always having a go at me; Which could prompt her to get defensive....perhaps approach from the perspective of "is there a reason that it seems like you don't feel comfortable leaving me alone with the baby" this may prompt her to feel a little shameful but may also open up a line of communication without getting angry and shutting down the conversation. Hope you manage to sort it.

LankinMcElf · 03/07/2018 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/07/2018 01:41

Oh do put a sock in it Lankin

LankinMcElf · 03/07/2018 01:45

PyongyangKipperbang sock inserted

Monty27 · 03/07/2018 01:58

Lankin there's a 10 week old baby. People do get off Mumsnet sometimes you know? Like real life happens.
OP you are that child's parent. You need to talk to dp. gently but firmly. You sound like a good dad. And congratulations to you both.
Try not to fall out about, in this you are in it together. You need to work as a team. One has no more ownership. Dp carried the baby and gave birth so of course she's protective. But she needs to learn to trust you AND your family.
Good luck Smile

Fivelittleduckies · 03/07/2018 02:02

I feel like there needs to be more context added here. Could you provide some examples of what specific things you have been criticized on?

Also is there more of a background to the relationship with your family?

I’m not trying to find excuses for your wife as I certainly feel strongly that both parents need to have equal involvement in parenting - however it’s difficult to advise without trying first to understand why she’s behaving this way?

Is she close with her family and you are less so with yours? Does she know you feel they are being excluded?

The situation of course sounds difficult and frustrating for you but if you want to work on solving the issue you need to be able to communicate with your wife openly and honestly..

LankinMcElf · 03/07/2018 02:05

Choking on sock 🤢

LankinMcElf · 03/07/2018 02:35

Coff

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/07/2018 06:26

Wtf is wrong with you Lankin? Were you drunk last night or are you always a twat?

TypicallyNorthern · 03/07/2018 06:39

Really sorry and sad to hear this OP.

A running joke we have in my family is that if DH and I split up, he'd get the DC. I say this because my DH is very good at looking after my DC with regards to the nitty gritty. From the get go he has empowered himself and been in there at the rough and deep end changing nappies, feeding, wiping up sick and taking my DC into the hospital room for procedures when we had issues with DC2 when I didn't have the mental strength to do it. Think my DH make a massive effort to educate himself so as not to feel pushed out.

The above points are not to rub salt in your wounds but to tell you that your starting point is empowering yourself. You need to educate yourself how to look after your baby. Your next point it to take back some control and tell your wife that DC is your baby too and you want to be involved in everything. I would then be telling her that her family were over on X,Y and X days and now it is your families turn. It should be 50/50 when it comes to families.

Others won't agree but I would be making rumblings about her going back to work as you need the money if she doesn't play fair with you. See how she likes a taste of her own medicine. She doesn't hold all the cards.

Motherofajuggernaut · 03/07/2018 06:46

I had PND and Post natal depression and I behaved like this toward my ever loving husband. It almost broke us. Thankfully I got treatment. But I spent the first 2 years of Dads life in a state of hyper anxiety, paranoia, stress and I believed that unless I controlled it all I had failed as a mum.

When becoming a parent you also have to learn how to be a co parent. Mother's instinct tells us that everybody but us gets it wrong, but I trusted my own Mum next to me, not my MiL or my partner. I needed my.mum but found anyone else including the in-laws hard to be near and hard to.let them do anything other than cuddle the baby

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/07/2018 06:53

It might be PND, but the wife was controlling before the baby.

dannyb2018 · 03/07/2018 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/07/2018 07:59

I think it could be anxiety on her part but it also sounds like you fall into the 1950's patterns of incompetent man and wife-who-does-it-all at home, she might feel like she's failing to keep up her standards.

Have you tried also stepping up in other areas? Have you attended vaccination appointments and supported her in the nights with the baby?

I bfed my DS and DH took over breakfast and bath/bed duties as he was home for these times and it was an opportunity to bond with DS. He also cooked dinner a couple of times a week. About 10 months into maternity I felt a bit like I was losing myself into motherhood/housewife and it helped to have these chances to be detached from DS and recenter myself.

Just making sure you're hands on when she's still in the room. 10mo is the perfect time to really start playing and reading with baby if you're not already. But also be mindful that if a basic need comes up while you're busy having fun that you're the one that notices and deals with it first. If you're on the ball and prove you can do it then once she starts to trust you then you can relax and be more laid back again.

Flyme21 · 03/07/2018 08:05

Lankin why don't you just go play on another thread? He might be asleep, might have gone to work but he might even get put off posting again by your snide and stupid comments.

LyndseyKola · 03/07/2018 08:08

No concrete advice OP other than to say I’m sorry for the dickish responses you’ve had on here so far, it’s amazing how nasty posters will be to a man seeking advice for the exact same issue they’d be saying ‘LTB’ about if it were a woman. Imagine a woman coming on here saying their husband won’t allow her to do things with the baby without criticising her, that she’s ‘not allowed’ to take baby to see her family etc?

Based on the very small snapshot you’ve given, your wife is being emotionally abusive and controlling, undermining you as an equal parent and if this doesn’t get better you may well have to consider splitting up so that you can have a closer relationship with your child (she won’t be able to micromanage or control what you do on the days you have LO like she is 24/7 now). I’m really sorry. In your shoes I’d be insisting we see a couples therapist on condition of continuing the marriage, this can’t go on.

Perhaps the knowledge that you’re willing to leave will help her see how unreasonable she’s being, especially as she doesn’t work due to your income and so she’ll have to return to work if you divorce to support herself, which will ultimately mean less time with LO anyway. At least you’d be able to be a full parent then.

Toofle · 03/07/2018 08:41

Reported dannyb2018's post.

Original poster
Itsjustlife · 03/07/2018 09:04

I was indeed asleep... then a busy morning as is usual and didn’t log on in front of my wife or when I had the baby.

Lankin can you leave this alone now, do you attack everyone for asking advice or just men? Obviously you have a perfect life to the extent you spend half the night on here personally attacking people and finding it amusing.

I believe she has anxiety and can’t bear to have LO out of her sight. I’m here to find advice on how to support and rectify the situation and not to blame her or leave her. She’s a great mother. I think I am a good father but want to be more involved.

Kind of put off a bit by lankin so will just try and talk to her again and see if changes can be made

OP posts:
Homemenu1 · 03/07/2018 09:12

It’s hard when you first have a baby, you can be so fearful of doing it wrong. Somtimes something you wanted for so long isn’t as ‘nice’ and blissful as you thought.
All these things can manifest themselves and make you feel like you need control in everything.
Talk to your wife explain how you feel, give some examples and try to listen to what she says maybe don’t bombard her but start with one or two things you want to improve upon

TotHappy · 03/07/2018 09:34

I think f it was me i would talk to her mum and explain your point of view. But that depends on what kind of relationship you, ans she, has with her mum.

It depends as well what you mean by controlling - if you mean she likes housework etc done a certain way and makes a meal of it if you do it 'wrong', i don't think that's unusual or abusive. If you mean she needs to control where you are, who you talk to etc, that's more worrying.

What sort of things does she criticise about you with the baby? Can you give examples?

dannyb2018 · 03/07/2018 10:05

Toofle - Why have you reported my post? I've not broken any rules?

I was simply offering free advice.