He isn't their Dad !

[boltondad]

Just a bit of background. My ex wife (still married) ended our relationship 18 months ago. She was having an affair with a guy from work. I found it very hard but on the whole have managed to keep things civil. Her and my son and daughter moved out of our family home and in with him after a month. He also had a fiancée who he ended his relationship with and asked to leave the home.
I have my son and daughter every weekend which is fantastic and take them both to their after school clubs each week, although obviously I miss them dearly and wish this hadn't happened. We have a great time together going to football matches and watching movies etc.
My mum is still a Facebook friend of my ex and last week she posted a picture of her new bloke with his birthday cards and gifts from the kids. The card said to a great Dad ! The kids are too young to go shopping alone so I am assuming she picked it out or got them to pick one. I know it is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it's just a huge kick in the teeth. They are my children he is not their Dad !

Bang out of order on her behalf. Why post on f.b tho. She will look a right idiot and most people will think it!

She is one for posting everything on Facebook. We have already had the I'm so happy with the love of my life etc. I am not on there but my mum is and likes to see the updates of the pictures of the kids. I have actually asked my mum not to tell me what she puts on there anymore (obviously unless it's something to be concerned about) because it is just so upsetting for me that in less than two years things have changed so much

Ouch. I’m a single parent and I’d be really hurt if a new partner got a “Mum” card - and that’s without the cheating.

My only advice is to rise above it. Posting it on Facebook is a goady thing to do and any reaction from you is giving them what they want.

You know your their dad and the kids know it, that’s all that matters. If their relationship falls apart he won’t see them again but you will always be in their lives.

Thanks I haven't actually contacted her or mentioned it to anyone else only my mum. It's not a massive thing it's just hurtful
The kids are my life

My eldest child (now young adult)isn't my husbands biological son.
When we got together he knew my child had an active parent in his life and greatly accepted he was a big part of our lives.
Fifteen years later my child still calls my husband by his name however the relationship between child and dad hasn't been the best in the last few years.

I agree it's wrong for her to do that totally and can see why your hurt and upset op.

Just make a promise to yourself that even as they eat older and do stuff with friends on weekends please please persist and organise catch ups and keep in touch at least weekly as once they get older and the absent parent hasn't done as much as they could the Disney dad routine wears off and they aren't interested In the holidays the weekends away the gifts and fun tunes eating out etc.
What the do see is the parents that help them with emotional and practical things and are there for them no matter what.

It's sad and I'm disappointed that it didn't pan out how I've spent years hoping and helping for it. I wanted them to have a good relationship so please remember you will always be there for them unconditionally.
He probably won't be the last partner she has in their growing up years so you be the go to parent

I’m sorry OP, she sounds like a cunt of the highest order. I agree with pp that people who see that will think less of her. It suggests to me that she isn’t very happy or secure in her choice to post that stuff.

I'm sorry. That's a kick in the teeth.

You sound as though you have been very dignified, but I think you are well within your right to ask your ex whether she intends for your children to be raised with two people to call 'Dad'. I think that, in the end, they should be given the choice of how they address her new partner and not be coerced into calling him 'Dad' when they know full well that he isn't.

However, down the line, if they decide they do want to, then I think that you have to let it go. But for now - definitely speak up and absolutely ask that she doesn't embarrass or hurt you on social media.

Totally agree my father was very much absent in my life it was always just me and mum. I promised myself I would never do that.
I really hope that she isn't feeling insecure or unhappy in her choice as it will have a huge impact on the kids.
Obviously when you have a break up mutual friends like to get involved and tell you what is going on. Apparently he has had several relationships and proposed to quite a few of them. But always ended up cheating on them. The last one was very ill when he got together with my ex so that makes me really question his character. All I can do is be there for them and for them to know they are always secure here with me.

When they speak about him they don't call him dad they call him by his name. In all fairness he is great with the kids and they seem to like him a lot. It just seems really soon to me to be thinking of him as their dad. I have been dignified and not mentioned it mainly because I get told to move on and get over it and that I am jealous of him etc

My SIL is like this. Every three years ashe finds the love of her life and gives him a dad role. She has hardly any friends left because she is so neglectful in her parenting in so many ways. She spends her days spending money to look sexy (manicure, pedicure, leather clothes, suntanning etc) while the kids don't get braces, beds, dental appointments, glasses, shoes that fit etc. it's a disgrace. The kids have a real dad and as they get older I see them being happier with dad than mum (which is really sad for my MIL). I wouldn't be surprised if they end up moving to dads house when they hit their teen years and they get to choose for themselves where they want to live.

I hope they treat your kids well, if not then go for custody. She can buy as many dad cards as she likes, the kids know who their real dad is, don't worry about that.

Your there dad and no amount of ‘dad’ cards will change that. All you can do is carry on being their rock, it sounds like they may need it.

I never had a dad, well not one that bothered with us anyway- yet there’s you that wants your kids in your life and she’s playing happy families...he isn’t their dad, he will never be their dad, they have a dad and that’s you. Your ex is playing stupid games and it will backfire on her esp when kids get older and start the backchat up with youre not my dad ect etc at him.
I love the patronising advice of moving on an getting over it..move on from where? get over it how?
When people say that they need slapped.
If he’s a renowned cheat, he will cheat again when he does you do not take her back..ever!
Just be there for your kids and to hell with her, seems twisted and living in fantasy land.
Some fkin women don’t kno they have it good

*you’re

she will look like an idiot, i always cringe a bit when I see people doing this , rise above it .

God no not a chance in her coming back ! She has changed a lot from the woman I knew. As a poster above said she is all about her appearance now she was never like that before. I just worry her choice of man will affect the kids because although he is good to the kids what's to stop him turning round and telling her he doesn't want to be with her and moves on again. I haven't even thought about the prospect of her eventually introducing someone else, I am just trying to navigate my way around this one.

@boltondad

That is horrible, you poor man.

Why is she trying to hurt you even MORE?

Ask her what you have done to deserve it?

That's awful OP. I never did that after I left my ex. Even though he treated me very badly, I never bad mouthed him to the kids and I certainly never expected them to refer to anyone else as dad.

My mother tried this when she married my lovely stepdad. Fortunately, we were all grown-ups when she married him, and he was happy for us to call him by his first name. She also tried to force her grandchildren to call him granddad.

People who lay their whole lives bare on FB are trying a bit too hard to convince themselves and other people how happy they are and how fabulous their new lives are. Your children know who their dad is, so please don't worry about that.

Tell your mother that she must not tell you hurtful things. I can see that she'd be livid on your behalf, but she doesn't have to kick-in-the-gut reaction that you'll have. You have enough to deal with, without hearing things like that.

Your ex-wife is an arse.

God no not a chance in her coming back ! She has changed a lot from the woman I knew. As a poster above said she is all about her appearance now she was never like that before.

She's all set until he meets someone younger and prettier, then she and the kids will be shown the door.

Boltondad - you are an inspirational father to your children and they will realise that. Your ex has obviously lost someone very caring and special.

After this last thing I have said to mum please don't tell me because then it won't hurt. She is just livid for me I think.

Missconduct this is what worries me the most and gives me sleepless nights

Christ, I'm sorry. That was stupid and cruel of your EXW and not at all fair on the kids either. She may want to play happy families, but she can't do that by pretending things aren't the way they are.

You sound like a lovely dad. I'm sorry she's been a dick

@boltondad, it matters not, what it says on the card.
You are their Dad, always have been, always will be, for all time. 🍺🍺
Your ex is a self absorbed, silly woman.
You sound like a great Dad, try not to let her rattle you.

Missconduct this is what worries me the most and gives me sleepless nights

He was engaged to the last one, then threw her out on her arse. It's a bit shocking that your wife hasn't thought about that and what it means for her.