He isn't their Dad !

[boltondad]

Just a bit of background. My ex wife (still married) ended our relationship 18 months ago. She was having an affair with a guy from work. I found it very hard but on the whole have managed to keep things civil. Her and my son and daughter moved out of our family home and in with him after a month. He also had a fiancée who he ended his relationship with and asked to leave the home.
I have my son and daughter every weekend which is fantastic and take them both to their after school clubs each week, although obviously I miss them dearly and wish this hadn't happened. We have a great time together going to football matches and watching movies etc.
My mum is still a Facebook friend of my ex and last week she posted a picture of her new bloke with his birthday cards and gifts from the kids. The card said to a great Dad ! The kids are too young to go shopping alone so I am assuming she picked it out or got them to pick one. I know it is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it's just a huge kick in the teeth. They are my children he is not their Dad !

Oh, and she's focused on her appearance now because she's hoping he won't meet anyone more attractive. There is always someone more attractive.

Misconduct the general gist I get is that she thinks she has been swept off her feet by her soulmate 🤔 obviously she thinks he won't do it again. Hopefully for the kids sake he doesn't ! I hope he thinks of them in all this but who knows

That’s bang out of order.

My parents divorced when I was 7. We lived with mum, who later re-married. My dad was always ‘Dad’ and mum’s second husband was always ‘Tom’.

His former fiance was no doubt his soulmate during her brief tenure. Some men are very good at this - it's called love bombing. For them it's all about the chase and taking the prize, then they get bored and start hunting again. If you were to look into his past I'm quite sure you'd see this pattern happening over and over and over again.

In six months or less she'll be looking for a flat.

Sorry to hear this Boltondad it must be really awful for you. From her current behaviour it sounds like you are well rid of her. Just keep doing what you're doing, being the calm and stable influence in your children's lives and your strength and dignity will see you through. Maybe get your mum to take some screenshots of these comments just in case they are useful when you go to court for custody hearings, I wouldn't put anything passed her at the moment.

You're doing well to rise above it. She should watch out though, as the children might feel they are being steamrollered into a relationship they don't want. That could make her relationship with them very strained in future. Make sure the kids get plenty of support and perhaps neutrally tell them that they don't have to call him dad if they don't want to.

Out of order ! Why do some people do this ?!?!

Your their dad op , always will be . He sounds flakey as fuck she's crazy moving him in that quick !!

Sarf said it. Don't react. Be the calm and stable one. I rankles like fuck but store it away for the future but leave it for now. Long term things change massively. My ex went off with an OW. There was loads of things I wanted to react to but my gut said to not as it would be weaponised. His relationship all fell apart after 18 months as the thrill of being the OW was gone I guess. I couldn't give a tinkers cuss now quite honestly. You will get to tinkers cuss territory OP. It might be a steep and rocky path but you will get there with your pride intact.

Because they work together I obviously know quite a few people from there just from Christmas do's etc. I got quite friendly with a guy a few years ago and we would go for a round of golf. I have kept in touch with him and he is the one who has told me the story of his past exploits so to speak. He is a good guy and doesn't make things up. As far as I know he has had 3 fiancés but never married and no kids. He is well known for having affairs at work. I actually met his last fiancé at a work day out and she was lovely. She got very sick at one point and was in hospital a lot which is when he started the affair with my wife. So I have met him and found him to be fine I always thought he was a bit full of himself but I don't hate the guy. I just worry that I am loosing my kids to him, which is silly we have a great relationship card or no card. Thanks mums for putting me straight it's good to have a woman's perspective as you can imagine a lot of guys think I should have gone round there all guns blazing

@boltondad I have always had a saying that when things like that are posted all over social media advertising how great someone's life is, they're often trying to make up for something else behind the scenes. By posting that kind of stuff to me it always screams "who are you trying to convince us or yourself?!" However this doesn't make it easier for you. Your exw sounds like a right dipshit and you sound great. When my ExH and I split up and I found out about his new girlfriend the first thing he said to me was "oh don't worry she won't replace you as Mum" and I thought no too fucking right she won't. Arsehole. Anyway, as PP have said just keep on keeping on and your kids will know YOU are their dad and realise this other twat may or may not be around for the long haul. Good luck!

I agree with previous PP. There's a type on FB that pretend everything is amazing and over compensate. I never trust #blessed #familytime 🙄

You sound so dignified and your kids will know.

That is a shitty thing to do and it sounds like you are handling the situation with dignity and fantastic awareness of minimising the effect on your kids which is admirable.

People who post the minutiae of their vacuous lives on Facebook are so sad (as in pathetic and attention seeking) and really don't deserve any headspace, they remind me of the kind of people who would get drunk as teenagers and flash their willies/boobs etc to show off, it's just cringey. As for the Dad card - that is way out of line.

I hope you find happiness OP and recognise that for all the hassle, heartbreak and disruption you are better off without a lying, cheating, show off who behaves like that and you are providing a great role model for your children (you sound like my Dad, she sounds like my Mum, trust me even as a middle aged woman with kids of my own I respect and if I'm honest love him more than her who I pity and try not to emulate). Good luck

Your kids know who their real Dad is. and always will.

Ouch, that's out of line.

My husband has raised my DD for three years (she's 5) despite no contact with her dad we have never let him call her dad. We will rethink it when she is mature enough to make that decision.

18 month is far too early anyway and when you still have a good relationship with your children is just being a twat.

I'm sorry.

Isn't there a Shakespearean quote "The lady doth protest too much"? I think others are right that she is saying how wonderful her new life is to convince herself. Lots of people must have told her that she is mad, so this is her way of proving them wrong.
If you originally thought he was ok, and you know someone in common, would it be worth trying to meet up with him, just to say 'no hard feelings, let's keep this above board for the kids'? I bed he's cacking himself at the thought of being a 'dad' actually as he sounds like he's a complete commitment-phobe. I bet they're both thinking 'what the f*ck have we done?!'.

The empty barrel rings the loudest is what comes to mind in relation to her-everyone in Facebook knows how ridiculous she is.
Please carry on being a stable and positive influence in your kids, they will need you more than anything when this comes to an end.

rise abve it.so easier said than done but just keep thinking kids kids kids kids.if they think dad is hurt or angry over it it might mean they don't come to you with thing in fear of upsetting you.so keep doing what your doing and just being there rock there dad.it will always be you they can turn to and fall back on.you will always be there tower of strength.that wont chang I you just keep streamlined focused on being there dad.
your ex is being extremely hurtful and youd think as a parent she wouldn't be so insensitive but there you go.
if you did want to broach it I think youd be within your rights.calmly you don't need to let it spiral into a arguemtn.you could just ask her how shed feel if you had a girlfriend now and referred to her as their mum...leave her to think on that.

That is a kick in the teeth.

Hope you can get all your annoyance out and rise above it.

He isn't their Dad.

I’m so sorry. That’s terribly hurtful. You say you take your children to clubs after school and have them every weekend. Is there any reason you haven’t gone for 50/50 custody?

That's just nasty. Sorry op.

I’d he’s known to have a bit of a otters with women, could she be trying to use the ‘great dad’ thing As a way to emotionally manipulate him into staying with her? Maybe everything is already not rosy and she thinks if he feels responsible for their new ‘family’ he won’t leave/kick her out?

@boltondad... What an utterly crappy thing for her to do. You sound like a great dad, and your kids will know there’s no comparison. You did the right thing asking your mom not to tell you this sort of thing. Self-preservation is important.
I know you loved her once but....what a bitch!

The main reason I haven't gone down the road of joint custody is that so far despite my upset we have been able to work things out between ourselves without involving solicitors and courts. I am happy to pay maintenance to her I didn't want them to be financially worse off . And she has been happy for me to see them, the every weekend and a couple of evenings have worked out well. Obviously I would like them living with me all of the time but I think my daughter especially would find it hard to be away from her mum

Part of me wonders if she has done this more to big him up and make him feel important rather than to put me down. She did lack massively in confidence when we were together due to a few things in childhood that I won't go into on here. So maybe as someone early said it's a kind of self preservation

Thanks to all of you who are saying I'm a great dad ! We do exist but I know on here it is perhaps a bit few and far between