AIBU to have a baby for this reason?

[Brokenhaart]

I'm 25 and been in a happy relationship for five years. We both still live at his DMs with a plan to get a house next year. My DM was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago and was told at the time it was not curable. Her latest results show new cancer growth and been told that there aren't really any options to hold it back any more and she's looking at 14 months left. The thought of getting married and my mum not ever meeting a grand child makes me so upset. Myself and DP would look to have children in two years once we have our own place and have seen more of the world, but part of me thinks do it now so I get to share some of the experience with mum. We have two homes we can live at worst comes to worst and surely we can do it if teenagers manage? We both have stable, full time jobs. AIBU to rush having a baby because of this reason? My head is scrambled at the moment with trying to accept the diagnoses but I can't imagine not sharing these moments with mum.

So sorry to hear about your mum, understandable that your brain is frazzled.

I don't think though that alone, it's a good idea to have a baby. Pregnancies can be unpredictable, as well as the course of a life-limiting illness.

Can you make a memory box with your mum for future grandchildren, photos of her, letters to her grandchildren, or could she buy something for a baby like a pram for the future?

You do realise, and I mean this as kindly as possible, that there is a strong likelihood your mum may not last 14 months? And you may take a while to conceive. What if your mum is really ill and you are struggling during your pregnancy?

You're also not living in your own home yet, so you're expecting his parents to cope with living with a baby as well as the two of you?

Sorry, but while I understand why you're thinking that way, I do think YABU. I would focus on spending time with your mum.

I am so sorry about the situation with your mum - words cannot express the pain you must be feeling.
But, personally, whilst I understand your thinking and emotions, I don't think it's a good idea.
14 months is such a short space of time - you will potentially get to share so little of it with her. Instead you are looking at coping with all the stress and trauma of a newborn whilst dealing with the loss of your mum.

Is it not better simply to try and enjoy and get as much as you can out of the little time you have left with her?
I hope that doesn't sound mean - I really feel for you xx

Personally I would do it, the sheer joy my DM gets from my DS is magical.

I think you’re coming from the best place but personally I don’t think it is a good idea. Your mum needs you and while it would be lovely to have a memory of her meeting your child, the next few months are likely to be very stressful and emotional for you. It will be a lot to cope with while heavily pregnant and then with a v young baby. Nobody can tell you/your partner what to do and if this feels like the right time to have a baby then that is your choice as a couple. Just take a few days/weeks to think this through. Sending you and your family love.

So sorry to hear this, life is so cruel. I would do it too then she can enjoy the pregnancy with you, you are in a stable relationship you just want to bring your plans forward nothing wrong with that.

Personally I would do it, the sheer joy my DM gets from my DS is magical
But the sad reality in this situation is that it is highly probable that her DM will NEVER meet the child.

Also OP, your mother may be doing well despite the cancer at the moment , but that is highly unlike to always be the case.
Sorry again to be so negative.

Oh and I beg you to discuss this properly with your DP not just us MNers. This has to be an equal/joint decision that you are both happy with xx

I can see why you want to do this. I don't think you are being unreasonable specifically, but I think you need to think it through. We lived at my DMs house until DS was 13 months old so that's not a big deal. It's more do you think you can cope with grieving and a newborn? For some people it would be a lot of extra stress, for others it would give them something to get them through the day.
If a baby was already in your near future and you think you could deal with it then go for it. But if you don't think you could then put it on hold. Talk to your OH.

I understand your reasons for doing it, it’s such a sad situation but looking after a newborn and a very sick mother would be too much for most people, your emotions will be running high, I wouldn’t be able to care for a newborn and look after my dying Mum and do the best job I could.

Very sorry about your mum OP. I understand why you might think it would be a good idea to have a baby now but you may not get pregnant straight away. If your mum has 14 months or so left to live you might not have even given birth before she passes away. This would be very hard on you to cope with.

In your shoes I think I would concentrate on making the most of the time left with your mum and making it as lovely as possible for her.

Mum asked if I would move back home when she goes. In my head I thought I could run the house and be at home with a baby at the same time. I know it might seem crazy but I was thinking I could do it all. I don't like to talk about it and haven't actually told any of my friends the latest update. I don't want to upset mum so i'm staying positive and not letting my emotions get to me. I cried four times on Saturday and cried myself to sleep last night. I'm feeling very emotional today (tiredness from terrible sleep isn't helping) and i'm trying to get through work today without crying in the toilets.

Thank you all for your replies, whatever your advice is. Believe me, I do understand it may seem crazy but some how i've rationalized it in my head. I've only had 2 days to try and deal with this. Emotionally, I don't know how dealing with a baby at the same time would be good for anyone and might even cause more worry for DM. I don't feel like I will even be able to get through this, I suppose I was hoping a baby might also be a distraction or that it will give DM something to fight for. Me and DP both have our heads screwed on, he has said if it happened now he would be happy about it but as it was never a plan to do it so soon.

Bless you OP I honestly think it will be too much for you based on your latest posting. And imagine if there were problems and you weren't even able to be with your mum much? Or at all? Imagine how you'd feel then when you say you don't feel you will be able to get through this. Having a baby as "a distraction" really isn't the right decision.

PLEASE, just focus on spending as much time as you can with your mum in these last few months. If you bring a baby into it, you'll have less time with your mum, believe me.

OP, you have my sympathy. You’ve had terrible news and you’re trying to process it. I think it’s lovely that you’re thinking of this to try to give your mum the chance to meet your baby. But - and it’s too early to be logical I know - when you’re thinking a bit more clearly, it might be the case that getting pregnant, having a baby, all at the same time as looking after and saying goodbye to your mum is too much for you.

I’m so sorry about your Mum

I agree with PPs that it’s not the right time to TTC, sorry.

However, it sounds like you and your DP aren’t married yet? Maybe you could get married sooner rather than later so that your mum can be with you on your wedding day? It doesn’t have to be a huge event, it could be small and intimate, or something in between, within the next 6 months or so.

I also suggest that you get some counselling and focus on looking after yourself as much as possible, as you are understandably struggling and would benefit from some support.

So sorry about your mum OP. I was awaiting fertility treatment when my DM was diagnosed and then died.
On one hand the fact my mum never met DC is heartbreaking but on the other hand I wasn’t pregnant or with a newborn when she needed caring for. I helped care for her at home in her final months and weeks and she was glad of this and so was I, I will always be so glad I was able to be there. I couldn’t have been there as much or coped if I had a newborn or was heavily pregnant.
It’s awful to think about but perhaps have a think about what the caring situation will be and that would be the decider for me..
I completely understand the urge to at least have your DM know she will have a grandchild or even just meet them, even if it is sadly briefly though.. If she is likely to go into a hospice it would maybe be more manageable and a baby could bring some light to the situation..
what about bringing your wedding forward to share that joy while she is here? As others have said TTC can be unpredictable and the timeline you have will put a lot of pressure on you.. however only you truly know your circumstances and what you can cope with, so sorry you even have to think about this it’s unbearable I know x

I'm so sorry to hear your news. You are not being unreasonable. Please try and give yourself time to accept the diagnosis. I do wonder if immediately reaching for a baby is a way of pushing reality away or staving off grief/ trying to change the situation you're in at the moment and trying to give something back to your mum?

Honestly, although you are not a teenager you are young and young to lose your mum. I really think that having a baby is a decision best made between just yourself and your partner, with mum out of the equation.

I do feel for your partner, as this plan is a hell of an ask of them. Conception can be a tricky buisness at the best of times and your plan would only be successful if you can concieve quickly.

You've projected an imaginary future based on your having a baby now with your mums involvement. What if you find your mums deteriorating health means the reality is not what you visualised it would be? It is possible that she (understandably) won't have the energy or ability to be as invested as you imagine.

Fully consider if you want to be in a situation where potentially you could be struggling with a newborn and new living situation, putting pressure on your relationship with DP and grieving your mums death. I'm sure your mum loves you and I don't think she would be happy to think about that or thankyou for it.

Thinking of you all OPx

Sorry I missed a few posts while typing and your update OP.. take your time it’s a lot to process x

Maybe the thought of not seeing a granchild grow up would be more anguish for your mum.

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I did get pregnant and had my baby and it did bring a lot of joy into our family. I'm so glad my mum got to have some time with my daughter.

BUT - I got lucky in a way. DM lived for a lot longer than the doctors had predicted and she died around the same time that my DD turned two. Even that was a great strain juggling looking after a seriously ill DM and dealing with a toddler. I lived about two and a half hours away from her but had other family much more local so had lots of support.

I deliberately didn't get pregnant again until after DM had died because, having gone through pregnancy and the newborn stage, I knew I would really struggle to cope with her dying during that time.

Please don't rush into any decision. Give yourself time to get your head round things, chat to your DP. I'm very sorry you're in this situation. It's really shitty.

I’m afraid that I agree with the majority, and that’s despite doing something almost exactly the same. It worked for us, but we didn’t have such a short amount of time, we were much older, and so wanted to get on with it anyway, and we weren’t living close by. Despite this, i still, in hindsight think it was very rash.

At various points I’ve had miscarriages, pregnancy scares, been very unwell with pregnancy, and cannot imagine how I would’ve felt if that had been during that time. Meanwhile, there are so many ways in which it might not quite go the way you want, and any of it could feel even sadder. What if you find out your pg only a short while after your mum passes away? What if you don’t get pg at all in the next year? What if you do, but then there’s a big issue to deal with?

I know some of this has already been covered, and I’m probably being a bit stark, but you need to know, the chances of you “just” becoming pg, going full term, having the energy, fitness, and mental clarity to deal with all that is to come, is not 100%. The chances are that there will be some kind of hiccup at some point.

Talk to your mum, make plans, include her in your daydreams, take photos, listen to her reminiscences...and keep items and memories for your children to come.

I still have many many moments where I almost feel my breath is taken away by my wish that my DF had met my youngest, and seen both my children at 4,8,12...I am not sure that ever really goes away.

Anyway, sorry, too much, but I hope something among all that was helpful.

sorry to hear about your mum op

i was in denial even when my dm got the termianl diagnins i was sure she would hang on but it never happened

of course doctors can be wrong its not like they know exact times but i dont think giving yourself added stress wil help you -what if its a bad pregnancy that makes u ill then you cant help your dm for instance

Sorry to hear about your mum, OP.

I don't mean to be condescending, but I can only imagine a first-time mum thinking going through pregnancy and having a newborn at a time like this would be a good idea.

Having a newborn is mentally very stressful, and time-consuming too. You think it's not gonna be that difficult before your first, but it is! I would never choose to go through a family death at the same time.

Don't do it OP. Babies are so so exhausting, they take so much time in the early days - it won't be the bliss you dream it will and it may actually be very stressful for your mum (babies cry, they take a lot of time and attention)

My dad said the one thing he wanted before he died was to see me pregnant (i took 4 years to conceive). I actually got pregnant about 3 months after he died. I'm glad. No way could I have been running back and forth to the hospice with a new baby. I got to be with him til the end in a 'good' death and I got to give my baby all they needed in the early days.

Also (and this my own view I know) I'm glad they didn't meet or spend real time together when I knew dad was dying anyway. It was heartbreaking seeing my niece and nephews with broken hearts and their parents had to shut down their own grief to manage their children's. Even now, nearly 3 years later - I've finished grieving and I'm doing well. Because I wasn't a parent I had time to sit about focusing on myself and my loss. My sister didn't, she hasn't healed yet, it's destroying her and I can't make it better because she's locked it up so tightly because initially she HAD to.

Focus on you and your mum

Sorry to hear this OP.

I agree with the majority that ultimately, you are going to make life harder for yourself and your mum by trying to divide your time between her and a pregnancy - you might have terrible morning sickness, you might take a while to conceive, you might have complications, you might have a pregnancy that needs a higher number of hospital appointments - all of these things will keep you from being with your mum.

I get the sentiment of it, I really do. I lost my mum less than a year ago and she did get to meet grandchildren, but in some ways that was even harder. It was more people to be sad about her leaving.

I would urge you to consider bringing your wedding forward instead. That way your mum can be part of the most important and special day of your life to date and you will have memories and photos to treasure always.